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Movie Reviews
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 In short

13 Ghosts  2001 Lifeless, soulless crapfest.  1
 15 Minutes  2001 Same old preachy Hollywood bullshit.  2
 21 2008 Now they have to make Vegas suck for us too? 2
 The 25th Hour 2003 Spike Lee uses his talents for good, not evil 4
28 Weeks Later  2007 Ultimately, just another zombie flick.  3
200 Cigarettes  1999 Dreadful ensemble comedy.  2
3:10 to Yuma  2007 Better than the other 2007 westerns.  4
(500) Days of Summer  2009 Phony fucking baloney. 1
54  1998 Godawful, boring story of Studio 54 1
Adaptation 2002 One great high-wire act, until the guy falls 4
Adventureland 2009 A fine, fine college comedy. 4
Aeon Flux 2005 Fux fux sux fux sux sux sux 1
Affliction  1998 Really sad, Nick Nolte is good and restrained 4
A.I.  2001 A messy, contrived attempt at thoughtfulness 2
All or Nothing  2002 It's not the sadness that makes sad people interesting 2
Almost Famous  2000 Meandering and self-indulgent classic-rock story 2
Alone in the Dark  2005 A new low in "storytelling"? 1
American Beauty  1999 Fine story of suburban angst 4
American Movie  1999 Very funny story of inept moviemaker 3
American Pie  1999  Funny, sloppy teen comedy with tits. 3
American Psycho  2000 Pointless satire(?) of 80's greed 2
The Amityville Horror  2005 No good ideas? How about a remake? 2
Anchorman  2004 Ha ha, people dressed funny in the 70s. 2
Angels and Demons  2009 As if Catholic rituals weren't silly enough already.. 1
Anger Management  2003 More mature fart jokes from Sandler 1
The Animal  2001 One joke(?), eighty minutes 1
The Aristocrats  2005 Filthy fucking comedy. Dirty, dirty, dirty. 3
Art of War  2000  Pretentious, pointless, confusing thriller 1
Attack of the Clones  2002  A middling Star Wars story, and that's an improvement 3
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me  1999 Amusing but overly childish 3
Avatar 2009 Fancy-ass pictures and lame-ass story. 2
The Avengers  1998 A muddled disaster. Tiresome action 2
Babe: Pig in the City  1998 Absolutely wonderful. I should've given it five fingers 4
Bad News Bears 2005 What baseball means to assholes 2
The Bad News Bears 1976 What baseball means to kids 4
The Ballad of Jack and Rose 2005 Who let them make a movie out of an undergraduate liberal arts college short story? 1
The Bank Job 2008 Decent heist flick ruined by being a movie 3
Barnyard 2006 Hate your kids? Show them this. 1
Batman Begins 2005 Just another comic book movie, except not for kids and not for adults. 2
The Beach  2000 Bad story veers into ludicrousness 2
Because I Said So  2007 Made me shit my pants 1
Be Cool  2005 So uncool it hurts my nuts 2
Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo  2010 If it walks like a student film, talks like a student film... 2
Be Kind Rewind  2008 It has its moments 3
Before Sunset  2004 Sweet, but, I don't know, bittersweet. 4
Behind Enemy Lines  2001 Make believe hogwash to encourage patriotism 2
Being John Malkovich  1999 Wildly overrated one-joke (a good one) movie 3
Best in Show  2000 The funniest movie of 2000 4
Best Worst Movie  2010 Just see the movie it talks about. 2
The Big Bounce  2004 Lazy postcard from Hawaii 2
Big Fish  2004 Phoney Baloney 2
Big Momma's House  2000 Jesus, this one sucks 2
The Black Dahlia  2006 Melodrama vs Noir and Melo wins by a knockout! 1
Black Knight  2001 But this one sucks worse 1
Blackhawk Down  2002 War Porn 2
Blade  1999 Better than expected, accidentally starring Stephen Dorff. 3
Blade II  2002 A dreadfully dull rerun 1
Blair Witch Project  1999 Effectively creepy, really cheap 4
Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows  2000 A huge turd, totally worthless. 1
Blood Diamond  2006 More smug, simplistic speechifying by Hollywood 1
Bloodrayne  2006 Uwe Boll craps his pants. 1
Bolt  2008 Animated Disney crap that don't stink much.. 3
Book of Eli  2010 Jesus says kill, kill, kill.. 2
Bounce  2000 Stupid Affleck/ Paltrow drama. Their fans get what they deserve. 2
The Bourne Identity  2002 A well-made genre actioner 3
The Bourne Supremacy  2004 Better than the first, better than most 4
The Bourne Ultimatum  2007 Man, it zips like a good fly 4
Bowfinger  1999 A funny story of moviemaking 3
The Break-up  2006 Kill unfunny yuppies 1
Brick  2006 Film school artsy bullshit 1
Brokeback Mountain  2006 Gay cowboys roping calves. 3
Broken Flowers  2005 A not-quite-cooked bittersweet story 3
Bruno  2009 Watch Borat instead. 2
Burn After Reading  2008 Do you like being insulted? 1
Butterfly Effect  2004 Perfect for 4-year old amateur psychologists 1
Capote  2006 Cold-blooded author writes about killers 4
Cars  2006 Kids homage to Route 66? 3
Casino Royale  2007 The rebirth of the same Bond. 3
Cast Away  2000 Half ad, half movie, half decent 3
Catch Me If You Can 2002 A decent chaser with Spielberg sap 3
Cats and Dogs 2 2010 A terrible thing to make children see 1
Cedar Rapids 2011 Indie film disguised as raunchy comedy 3
Celebrity  1998 Woody Allen's treading water 2
Center Stage  2000 Lame teen ballet movie 1
Changing Lanes  2002 Ben Affleck takes a dump 2
Charlie's Angels  2000 Mindless, but not quite mindless enough 3
Charlotte's Web  2006 Faithful and solid, like a good pig 4
Children of Men  2007 Dystopic and dyspeptic and lovely 4
Christmas with the Kranks  2004 Rips out Santa's heart and shits on it. 1
The Chronicles of Narnia  2005 Rips out children's hearts and glowers at them. 2
Cinderella Man  2005 formulaic boxingmovie that works. 3
City of Ember  2008 Sort of inert and dull for the end of the world. 2
City of God  2003 What happens when everything goes right with an experiment 5
A Civil Action  1998 Another John Travolta as serious actor pile 2
Clay Pigeons  1998 Decent country noir 3
Clerks 2  2006 Blibbidy blabbidy blah poop blah 1
Closer  2004 A fucking fraud 1
Club Dread  2004 A turd so lazy it missed the bowl 2
Cold Souls  2009 Fancy high-brow thinking in search of a story. 2
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind  2003 Uninvolving fantastical bullshit 2
The Constant Gardener 2005 Top-grade thriller. Smart shit. 4
Cop Out 2010 Lazy, retarded and lame. 1
The Corpse Bride 2005 Bad claymation with lots of singing. 2
The Count of Monte Cristo  2002 A lifeless mash of a great story 2
Couples Retreat  2009 Whiny married people rediscover love when we want them to discover a shotgun. 1
Coyote Ugly  2000  Laughably awful movie that should have nudity but doesn't 1
Crank: High Voltage  2009  A celebration of absolute, arrogant stupidity 1
Crash  2005 Hollywood would stop making crap if we loved each other 2
Crazy Heart  2010 Small can be a good thing. 4
Criminal  2004 Complete and total nonsense. 2
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon  2000 Holy fuck is this movie great 5
Cruel Intentions  1999 Dull and retarded telling of Dangerous Liaisons 2
Curse of the Jade Scorpion  2001 A plodding Woody Allen caper 3
Cyrus  2010 Oedpius wants to fuck you rmom. 3
Dan, in Real Life  2007 Crappity, crap, crap with a feminine laxative. 2
The Darjeeling Limited  2007 Look, ma, I'm JD Salinger! 2
Dave Chapelle's Block Party  2006 A long night 3
Dawn of the Dead  2004 Zombies run amok for your pleasure 4
The Day After Tomorrow  2004 Bad fucking Porn, about weather 1
The Day the Earth Stood Still  2008 Boring, preachy, stupid. Sucktastic. 1
Deep Blue Sea  1999 Dumb, dumb, dumb shark movie 1
The Departed  2006 Sylvester Stallone can blow it out his ass! 3
The Descent  2006 Chicks stuck in a spooky cave, in a good way 3
Deuce Bigalow: Retarded Fucking Gigolo  1999 Sets a new low for bad acting and directing 1
The Devil and Daniel Johnston  2006 Hard to love the crazy guy. 3
Diary of a Wimpy Kid  2010 Adolescence for pre-adolescents. 2
Die Another Day 2002 This is what suave is? 2
Dinner for Schmucks 2010 Hollywood preaches while it sins. 1
Divine Secrets of the Blah Blah Blah Blah  2002 More phony meoldrama about cackling women 1
Dogma  1999 Pretentious, misguided, poorly directed 2
Down to Earth

Chris rock's failed attempt to become a romantic lead.

Down to You  2000 Goes below the lows set by Deuce Bigalow. Really lame, labored romantic comedy 1
Drag Me to Hell  2009 Puts the fun back in Hor(fun)ror. 4
Dreamcatcher  2003 What the Fuck? 1
The Dreamers  2004 This is some seriously stinky horseshit. 1

Men loving men, and racing


Drumming should be inthe Olympics

Duets 2000 Exactly what Karaoke fans deserve 2
Dumb and Dumberer 2003 Painful and Painfuler 1
EDtv  1999 Moderately amusing, pretty sappy. 3
An Education  2010 Better to be schooled than get schooled. 4
Election  1999 Funny and nasty comedy about high school elections 4
Eight Legged Freaks  2002 Big spiders mean medium-sized fun 3
8 Mile  2002 Hip Hop crapera 2
Enemy at the Gates  2001 Could have been a good war story if it wasn't so fucking boring.  2
Envy  2004 A mammoth, foul turd. 1
Erin Brockovich 2000 Surprisingly good drama starring my future wife 4
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 2004 Something to think about, and not while you're jerking off. 4
The Ex 2007 Like crapping in your eyeballs 1
Exit Through the Gift Shop 2010 Either art or not, hard to say. 4
The Exorcist 2000 Rerelease of classic that will make you shit your pants 4
Extract 2009 A willfully unfunny comedy. 2
Extraordinary Measures 2010 Made-for-Tv movie at theater prices. 2
Eye of the Beholder 1999 Laughably bad, inconsistent and ridiculous 1
Eyes Wide Shut 1999 Well-directed dumb story 3
Factory Girl 2007 WProbably brought down prices on Warhol's paintings 1
The Faculty 1998 Weak horror. the scariest thing is when that fat fuck Harry Knowles shows up 2
Fahrenheit 9/11 2004 Soothes the liberal's soul, but not much else. 2
The Fast and the Furious 2001 Good racing, dumb everything else. 2
The Fast and the Furious 3 2006 Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. 1
Fellowship of the Ring (Lord of the Rings) 2001 A fan boy's wet dream. 3
Finding Neverland 2005 Keep looking. It ain't here. 2
Final Destination 2 2003 Gory shit, like a bloody stool 1
Fired Up 2009 Toothless, titless bad comedy 1
Forces of Nature 1999 A big fuck you from Hollywood 1
Friday Night Lights 2004 A movie about the evil of high school sports, with lots of sports 3
Forgetting Sarah Marshall 2008 Love hurts, obsession hurts more 3
The Forty Year Old Virgin 2005 Man loses virginity, after a while 4
Four Christmases 2008 Someone took a dump under the tree, again. 1
From Hell 2001 Horror misguided as London travelogue 2
From The Incredible Hulk to Kelly 2003 The singingest, dancingest monster movie ever! 2
Full Frontal 2002 Hollywood celerities should get shrinks because we sure as hell can't help them 1
Funny People 2009 Oh, man, I feel so sorry for the rich comedians 2
G-Force 2009 Just fucking dreadful. Don't make your kids watch it, 1
Galaxy Quest 1999 Funny Star Trek movie. Better to see at home where you don't have Trekkies sitting near you. 3
Get Low 2010 Get bored. 2
Get Smart 2008 Get bent. 1
Ghost Town 2008 Romantic comedy that doesn't totally suck. 3
Ghost World 2001 A funny, sad and nearly perfect tale of alienation and disenfranchisement. 4
Gigli 2003 Mind-bendingly, and nut-shootingly awful. 1
Gladiator 2000 Maybe the most expensive gay gladiator movie ever 3
Glitter 2001 The movie all Mariah Carey Fans truly deserve 5
Go 1999 A fantastic, furious story 4
Godzilla 2000 2000 The best Godzilla movie ever 5
Gone in Sixty Seconds 2000 a fucking waste of time, only one good chase scene 2
Goodbye, Lover 1999 Totally inept attempt at noir. Patricia Arquette stinks up the screen. 1
The Good Girl 2002 A boring movie about boring people. 2
Greenberg 2010 Whining, pouting, moping and bitching. Waaa waaa waaa. 2
The Green Hornet 2011 Wishes it were different, but doesn't have the balls or brains. 2
Green Zone 2010 Lame politics, lame movie. 2
Hamlet 2 2008 A boring movie about boring people. 2
Hancock 2008 Too fat, sloppy and pathetic to be funny 2
The Hangover 2009 Looks like a good time. 4

A woefully disappointing sequel, dumbed down but trying to look smart.

Happiness 1999 Too much shock for shock's value 3
Happy, Texas 1999 One joke that goes on too long 3
Hardball 2001 Baseball for shut-in viewers of the Lifetime Channel 1
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle 2001 Stoners amusing only stoners. 1
Harold and Kumar 2 2003 Dude, I was sooo wasted.  
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 2010 A tiresome slog with no end. 2
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone 2001 A slavish adaptation of a book with potential 3
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 2004 Don't let the kids see it 4
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 2007 Great book. Enough said. 3
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince 2009 Then, like magic, they're in love. 4
Hart's War 2002 A solid stalag drama until the last 20 minutes. 2
Head Over Heels

Another shitty performance in another shitty movie for Freddie Prinze, Jr.

The Heartbreak Kid

Break your legs instead. You'll laugh more.


Jesus Christ, just gouge out my eyes already. A dreadful "black comedy" with Love Hewitt posing as a grifter.


Masturbatory Fanboy horseshit that excludes regular people


Boring, thoughtless afterlife nonsense.

Hi-Lo Country 1999 Bad country from a Limey. Warning: stars Woody Harrelson 2
High Fidelity 2000 Good comedy about record store owner 3
A History of Violence 2005 Yep, it's violent all right. 3
The Hitcher 2007 Bad photocopy of a pile of shit 1
The Hoax 2007 Con men con suckers 4
Hot Fuzz 2007 An awesome cop action flick 3
The Hours 2003 Sour women making sour faces. 2
The House on Haunted Hill 1999 Terrible plot and dialogue, good scares 3
The House of D 2005 Fucking dreadful retard dramedy 1
How the Grinch Stole Christmas 2000 Fucking hateful pice of shit 1
How to Eat Fried Worms 2006 It's right there in the title. 4
How to Train Your Dragon 2010 Seriously, I didn't learn anything about training. 3
Hustle and Flow 2005 Pretty Memphis travelogue 3
I Am Legend 2007 Worst zombie movie ever. 1
I Heart Huckabees 2004 Bad fucking, pretentious, incomprehensible movie 1
Ice Age 2002 Great effects, stupid story 2
Ice Age 2 2006 Okay effects, hack story 2
Ice Princess 2005 The fantasy of every home-schooled teen girl come true 2
Igby Goes Down 2002 Passable Salinger ripoff 3
II Love You, Man 2009 Funny despite itself. 3
The In-laws 2001 As funny as hysterical children (which is who probably made it) 1
The Incredibles 2004 It's fucking art, man. Fun art, not the bad kind. 5
The Informant! 2009 Wacky, wacky, wacky music and spies!. 2
In Good Company 2005 Go ahead, call me a softie. 4
Inside Deep Throat 2005 Glitzy, empty documentary about porn 2
Insomnia 2002 A fantastic sleepy-time noir 4
Instinct 1999 Dumb monkeys posing as provocative drama 1
Iron Man 2008 Intelligent, for a turd. 2
Iron Man 2 2010 Very loud, considering there's nothing there.. 2
In the Land of Women 2007 Turdity-turd turd 1
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 2008 Older, slower, weirder 3
I Spy 2002 I spy a turd! 1
The Italian Job 2003 Soulless, bland and action-packed! 2
It's Kind of a Funny Story 2010 Not the way they tell it, it isn't. 2
Jackass 2 2006 Stupid stunts that say so much. 3
Jeepers Creepers 2001 Powerful bad horror movie(?) 1
Jersey Girl 2004 Robots with vaginas. 1
Joy Ride

Better than average psycho-after-teens-in-old-car movie

 John Carpenter's Vampires 1998 Even cheesier than intended 2
Josie and the Pussycats

A tedious, unfunny insult to girl power

Journey to the Center of the Earth

Avoid, especially if you don't get 3-D glasses at the door


Man, I thought I disliked teenage girls, bt compared to this...

Jurassic Park 3 2001 the best in the series, which ain't saying a lot 3
Kill Bill, Volume 2 2004 Smug shit for people who say they love movies, but mostly love saying they do. 2
King Kong 2005 Too God damn much. 3
The King of Kong


A funny as hell documentary about stuff that matters. 5
The King of California


Dullest treasure hunt ever. 2
Kinsey 2004 Boring movie sort of about sex but mostly about Oscar 2
Kissing Jessica Stein 2002 Sexual identity as an NBC sitcom. 2
The Kid Stays in the Picture

A brilliant documentary about the assholes who make movies

A Knight's Tale

If you're dumb and a teenaged girl, you'll love it.

Knocked Up

Wathicng babies get born was never so funny (but it's been hotter)

Kung Fu Hustle

If you don't mind sitting by nouthbreathers, it may be worth seeing

Land of the Dead

Pretty enjoyable flesh-eater

The Last House on the Left

Snuff without the snuff.

The Legend of Bagger Vance 2000 Long-ass movie about angels and golf 2
The Life Aquatic 2005 Pretty, clever, wasted potential 3
Little Miss Sunshine 2006 Road comedy taken over by the NPR crowd. 2
Little Nicky 2000 Yet another turd in Adam Sandler's oeuvre 1
Lord of War 2005 Self-righteous horseshit. 1
The Losers 2010 Frat boy wet dreams splatter the screen. 1
The Low Down 2001 Bored Limeys have the decency not to complain 3
Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

A good Tarantino rip off

MacGruber 2010 SNL takes another dump on us. 2
Madagascar 2005 Shit flinging lemurs 2
Magnolia 2000 An amazing ensemble drama about chance 5
The Man 2005 Jesus Fucking Christ. 1
Maid in Manhattan

As crappy as the crappy title

The Majestic 2001 Watch Jim Carrey barf up horseshit speeches 1
Mamma Mia 2008 Less killing, more singing! 2
Man on the Moon 1999 Figure it out, Carrey, you're not a good actor 3
The Man Who Wasn't There 2001 As good a replica of noir as you'll find 4
The Matador 2006 No blood, some tears, fair comedy 3
Match Point 2006 Solid, boring infidelity drama. 2
The Matrix 1999 Enough to make an action-figure collector weep with joy *
Meet Joe Black 1998 Really long and boring, but okay 3
Meet The Parents 2000 Funny, but ignores women 3
Meet The Robinsons 2007 3-D never looked so irrelevant (except for in real life) 2
Meet The Spartans 2008 Like vomiting up shit 1

Interesting, different, but also a little shallow

Men in Black II

A rote sequel, just good enough to cash in.

Message in a Bottle 1999 Lame weepy for the Lifetime Channel lover 2
Mickey Blue Eyes 1999 Completely formulaic bullshit 1
Midsummer Night's Dream 1999 Hatchet job on Shakepseare 2
A Mighty Wind 2003 Funny because it's almost true 4
Million Dollar Baby 2005 Chicks fight, but it ain't hot 3
The Minority Report 2002 This is what passes for dark in Spielberg's world? 2
Mission: Impossible 2 2000 Fucking awful, Tom Cruise sucks pits 2
Mission to Mars 2000 One of 2000's worst, featuring weeping aliens 1

A lame, confusing animation/live-action mix.

Monsters vs. Aliens

Sci-fi monsters revived, barely.

Morvern Callar

Boring ass kids mope around all day.

Moulin Rouge

Over the top, and then still keeps going

Mr. 3000

If you thought baseball was boring...

Mulholland Drive

Like a good bad dream that stays with you

The Mummy Returns

Lots of special effects, and that's all.

Mumford 1999 Misguided new-agey nonsense 2
Murder By Numbers 2002 A bad 90s Psychological Thriller for the new millennium 1
The Muse 1999 Albert Brooks fucks up. It's just not funny 2
My Bloody Valentine 2009 Terrible if not in 3D. Bad if in. 2
Mystery Men 1999 A great idea completely wasted 2
The Negotiator 1998 The same story told over and over 2
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist 2008 Cute people do cute things, but don't die. 2
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 Ugly people do ugly things, and die. 1
Nim's Island 2008 No movie for children, or adults, or animals 2
No Country for Old Men 2007 No movie for children 4
Notting Hill 1999 Funny, cute, terrible ending 3
Nurse Betty 2000 Weird subversion of Hollywood standards 4
The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps 2000 Bad, crude, tired and overly loud 2
O Brother, Where Art Thou 2001 If you love PBS, you might like it 2
Obsessed 2009 Mechanical like a pencil, but not as interesting 1
Ocean's 11 2001 Good, but not cool 3
Ocean's 12 2004 Pray there's no 13 2
Ocean's 13 2007 Pray there's no 14 2
Office Space 1999 Very funny, weird paced office comedy 3
Old School 2003 Immaturity ain't so bad 3
Open Water 2004 Sharks aren't as scary as yuppies. 2
Orange County 2002 So lazy they didn't even bother to visit the county they write about 2
The Orphanage 2008 Boogedy boogedy boogedy 3
The Other Guys 2010 Too much stuff, too little funny. 2
Outside Providence 1999 Not funny but very sappy 2
Over the Hedge 2006 Hypocritical kids' movie 2
Panic Room 2002 Dreary, overblown Hitchock ripoff 2
Pan's Labyrinth 2007 The bloodiest child fantasy ever 4
The Passion of the Christ 2004 Jesus must be pissed 2
Pay it Forward 2000 Hollywood pandering at its second worst 1
Pearl Harbor 2001 Rah-rah, America makes great wars and shitty movies 1
Pecker 1998 Funny and actually touching Jon Waters 4
The Perfect Storm 2000 Big waves, hammy acting 2
Permanent Midnight 1998 Lame, self-indulgent drug tale 2
Persepolis 2008 People can be boring even in hard times 2
Peter Pan 2004 Bipolar rendition both genuine and fake 3
Phone Booth 2003 Really long at 80 minutes. 2
Pineapple Express 2008 Really long at 100 minutes. 2
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 2006 Cut the grease and 60 minutes. 2
Pirates of the Caribbean 3 2007 More of the same bloated shit. 2
Planet of the Apes 2001 I'd rather be on Planet of the ape shit 1
Planet 51 2010 IA big "Fuck you, may I have your money?" 2
Pooh's Heffalump Movie 2005 Something for the little Filthy in your life. 3
Poseidon 2006 Unpleasant, loud remake of an unpleasant, long movie 1
The Prestige 2006 You like magic? Seek help. 2
Princess Diaries 2 2004 Horrificaly violent and pointless sequel to original 1
Proof of Life 2000 Half-good thriller, half-bad love story. Meg Ryan is in the bad half 3
Psycho 1998 Totally pointless remake of a great story 3
Punch Drunk Love 2002 A nearly successful romantic experiment. 3
Pushing Tin 1999 Bullshit for the sensitive male. John Cusack at his smug worst. 2
Queen of the Damned 2002 A fucking awful pile of shit about hipster vampires 1
The Quiet American 2003 Beautiful and sad thriller 4
Quills 2000 Watered down and overacted Marquis 2
R V 2006 Lifeless load of retread crap 1
Rachel Getting Married 2008 Oh, those poor old rich people are so sad. Boo hoo. 2
Raising Victor Vargas 2003 Genuinely sweet. I swear to God. 4
Ratatouille 2007 Rat cooks, audience yawns. 2
RED 2010 Ancient old people shoot guns a lot. 2
Red Dragon 2002 At least Hannibal's good 3
Reign Over Me 2007 As long as they make movies about 9/11, they might as well be as shitty as the others. 2
Reindeer Games 2000 Bad, very bad caper movie with Ben Affleck sucking ass 2
The Replacements 2000 A shitty football comedy for people who don't watch football 1
Return to Me 2000 Overly sentimental pap 1
Revenge of the Sith 2005 Darth Vader is a bad, bad man 3
Riding the Bus with my Sister 2005 Made for TV Rosie O'Donnell retard movie 2
The Ring 2002 If this is what passes for scary, kid's today are pussies. 2
The Road 2002 Not as fun a road trip movie as I expected. 2
Road to Perdition 2009 It works as a furniture catalog, with the actors as furniture 3
Rock Star 2001 Hair Metal Shakespearean Tragedy. What could be worse? 1
Rocket Science 2007 Fucking garbage for the pretentious set. 1
Romeo Must Die 2000 Martial arts meets hip-hop and nobody survives 2
The Royal Tenenbaums 2001 As tasty a mess as Mrs. Filthy's cornflake casseroles 3
Rules of Attraction 2002 It fucking blows 1
Run, Lola, Run 1999 A great, fast moving story with bad music 4
Rush Hour 2 2001 Offensive, stale, humorless tripe. 1
Rushmore 2000 The greatest story ever told, or close to it 5
Sahara 2005 Holy shit is this thing loud. 2
Saw 2004 The bloodiest turd I've seen since a week at cancer summer camp 1
Scary Movie 2000 One thousand dirty jokes, ten work 2
Scary Movie 2

A brutal crime against humanity

The Science of Sleep

It's all so fucking pretty.

The Score

Marlon Brando is fat.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

A comic book movie that looks like a comic book.


Secret Window

Secret Window, not so secret crappiness.


A very good love story that also happens to be about bondage


Will Ferrell's gotta give up this schtick, please


Yuppies in love, or their interpretation of it

A Serious Man

A shallow, bitter examination of something profound.

Sex and the City 2

It was great to see these women brutally killed.

Sex Drive

Lame, mushy and not nearly enough nudity

Shadow of the Vampire

More entertaining than creepy, but enjoyable.

Shaft 2000 A decent Shaft movie, but no nudity and no sex. Fuck that shit. 3
The Shaggy Dog 2006 Shitty remake bound to dredge up bad memories 1
Shallow Hal 2001 Fat girls are okay too, says Hollywood, but we won't hire them. 2
The Shape of Things 2003 Boring, pretentious, annoying. And awful too. 1
Shaun of the Dead 2004 Zombies can be funny, and sexy too. 3
Sideways 2004 Losers, but mostly lovable. 4
A Simple Plan 1998 A great, simply told thriller about four men and $4 million. 4
The Simpsons Movie 2007 God damn I love the Simpsons 4
Simone 2002 A muddled, fraudulent "comedy" about Hollywood 2
Slacker 1991 A beautiful film about going nowhere. 5
Slackers 2002 The horrible result of an 8-year old with a dirty mind. 1
SLC Punk! 1999 A total injustice to punks, made by people who don't get it 2
Sleepy Hollow 1999 A good, creepy gothic story 3
Slumdog Millionaire 2008 Indian kid wins a million, gets hot chick. 3
The Slums of Beverly Hills 1999 Occasionally labored, often funny coming of age 3
Small Time Crooks 2000 Woody Allen fails to recapture old glory 2
Smoke Signals 1998 A small, sweet movie that's about real Indians, not make believe "spirits" 4
Snatch 2001 Overhyped movie about stupid men 2
The Social Network 2010 Something about a web site that gets you laid. 3
Sleep-inducing, but pretty to look at
Son of Rambow
Phony indie crap
Self-serving Hollywood horseshit
Speed Racer
True to the TV series' crappiness
Spiderman 2002 Decent but just like every other superhero movie 3
The Spiderwick Chronicles 2008 Too much like every other kids' fantasy 2
Star Treks: The Movie: 2 2009 Super-duper-duper awesome Star Treks *
Star Wars: The Clone Wars 2008 Cash grab, crap ass. 2
Starsky and Hutch 2004 Just another crappy cheap shot at the 70s 2
State and Main 2000 Unfunny and sloppy "satire" 2
Stay 2005 Psycho-thriller--suuuuuuucks 1
Step Brothers 2008 Growing up su-ucks. 3
The Stepfather 2009 Barely even qualifies as a movie. 1
Stir of Echoes 1999 A decent horror flick.. Even Kevin Bacon isn't bad 3
Storytelling 2002 Self-indulgence blocks a good idea 2
The Straight Story 1999 Richard Farnsworth, David Lynch and a great story of personal triumph 4
Stuart Little 1999 Leaden chidren's comedy that assumes kids are retarded 2
Summer of Sam 1999 A complete mess 2
Superbad 2007 If only there were boobs 3
Supersize Me 2004 More artsy choir preaching 2
Superstar 1999 Another awful SNL skit 1
Surrogates 2009 Oooo, robots, oooo. 1
Sweet and Lowdown 1999 Woody Allen succeeds in recapturing old glory 4
Swimfan 2002 A contrived and unoriginal teen "thriller" as welcome as drowning. 1
Swimming Pool 2003 A flick that's honest-to-god sexy. I love boobs. 3
Tadpole 2002 The kind of show-offy shit that gives arthouses a bad name 2
The Tailor of Panama

Middle-aged spies and liars story in Panama


Mindless and retarded action for the truly dim-witted

Taking Woodstock

Dirty, sweaty hippies love.

The Talented Mr. Ripley 1999 Overly arty, long psycho-drama 2
Tarzan 1999 More of the same Disney shit with the added insult of Rosie O'Donnell 2
Team America 2004 Butt, wiener, repeat. 2
The Terminal 2004 Horseshit sprinkled with saccharine. 1
Terminator 3 2003 A fine fucking action movie 4
Terminator Salvation 2009 Lifeless, humorless techno snore 2
There Will be Blood 2008 Hi, Charles Foster 2
There's Something About Mary 1998 A crass comedy done right 3
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada 2006 Tommy Lee Jones masturbatory politicizing 2
Three Kings 1999 Well-made, overly preachy comedy with lots of war 3
The Time Machine 2002 Super silly and corny but it thinks it's serious 2
Tomb Raider

Almost bearable ripoff actioner.


A particularly inept attempt at gross-out comedy



Touch of Evil 1958 Dirty, sleazy noir masterfully made by Orson Welles 4
The Tourist 2010 Who knew big old piles of turd could be so boring? 1
Toy Story 2 1999 A terrific movie for kids and adults. Treats everyone intelligently 4
Toy Story 3 2010 Everyone's getting a bit long in the tooth. 3
Traffic 2001 Good, occasionally obvious drug drama 3
Transsiberian 2008 Cold, boring, lame 2
The Triplets of Belleville 2004 Tiresome animation 2
Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story 2006 Fucking funny adaptation of an unfilmable novel 4
Tron: Legacy 2010 Fat fucking fanboys love their poop. 1
True Grit 2011 Faithful adaptation of a great book. 3
Tully 2003 Fair, sometimes corny and fake rural drama 3
Turistas 2006 Derivative, low-boobage horror crap 2
The Two Towers 2002 Eye-popping boredom 2
U-571 2000 A better-than-expected submarine war story 3
Unbreakable 2000 Silly comic book story treated like War and Peace 2
Undercover Brother 2002 Bad fucking mojo, man 1
Unfaithful 2002 Well made but empty morality tale 3
Up 2009 Good but not best Pixar. 4
Up in the Air 2009 Sometimes it's good to be alone. 3

Why would anyone make such a lame, cliched horror movie?

Van Helsing

Bad, bad, really fucking bad

Vanilla Sky

Hollywood tries to get profound, and fails

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Woody gets wood, and is funny again.

Waking Life 2001 A somewhat disappointing experiment with fabulous animation 3
Walk Hard 2008 Walk is the key word. Walk slow and sort of lame. 2
Wall-E 2008 Some brilliant riffing on the fat and lazy. 4
Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit 2005 It's sincerely good 4
Wall Street 2: You're Gonna Sleep 2010 Preachy, snoozy, belabored and no fun. 2
Waltz with Bashir 2009 A brilliant and humble exploration of memory. 4
War of the Worlds 2005 Well, at least it's loud 2
Watchmen 2009 Jimmy Critic loves it. *
The Waterboy 1998 Not quite as funny as chopping off one of your own fingers 1
Welcome to Mooseport 2004 Coulda been good comedy if they made it funny. 2
Wedding Crashers 2005 If you want to pay $9 to see a flash of tits, go for it. 2
Wedding Date 2005 Perfectly bland for people with very weak hearts and not sex lives. 2
What Planet Are You From? 2000 Not great, but pretty funny for the first half 3
Where the Heart Is 2000 Hollywood pandering at its worst 1
Whipped 2000 Totally offensive, unfunny comedy about unlikable, mean, childish people 1
The Whole Nine Yards 2000 About as funny as its inexplicable Montreal setting 1
Wicker Park 2004 A loved poem to stalking as romantic pasttime. 1
Willard 2003 Fucking dreadful "hip" remake of a fucking dreadful horror movie 1
White Noise 2005 Worthless piece of horseshit horror nonsense 1
The Wrestler 2009 Good performances, corny plot. 3
X-Men 2000 Too many characters too little excitement 2
X-Men 2 2003 See above. 2
XXX 2002 The end of extreme sports popularity 1
Year One

As limp and lame as a drunk man's dick.

You Can Count On Me

A wonderfully funny and moving story about a fuck up brother. My sisters should see it.

You Don't Get Shit on by the Zohan

Why don't you kill yourself first.

You Kill Me

A load of cutesy horseshit.

You Me and Dupree

So bad your bones will ache with sadness.

Your Friends and Neighbors 1999 Too many yuppies acting like assholes without being funny 2
Youth in Revolt 2010 Hipsters can't overcome triteness of coming of age. 2
You've Got Mail 1998 Warmed over horseshit that even the actors and director don't believe 1
Y Tu Mamá También 2002 The saddest teen road comedy with the most explicit sex. Something for everyone. 3
Zodiac 2007 Serial killers are creepy. 4
Zombieland 2009 Zombies inspire good flicks.. 4

Did you know male models are stupid? And so are the makers of this crap.


See who won the 2001 Filthies
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See who won the 1999 Filthies
See Who Won the 1998 Filthies