|
Movie
|
Year |
In short
|
Fingers
|
| 13 Ghosts |
2001 |
Lifeless,
soulless crapfest. |
1 |
| 15 Minutes |
2001 |
Same
old preachy Hollywood bullshit. |
2 |
| 21 |
2008 |
Now
they have to make Vegas suck for us too? |
2 |
| The 25th Hour |
2003 |
Spike
Lee uses his talents for good, not evil |
4 |
| 28 Weeks Later |
2007 |
Ultimately,
just another zombie flick. |
3 |
| 200 Cigarettes |
1999 |
Dreadful
ensemble comedy. |
2 |
| 3:10 to Yuma |
2007 |
Better
than the other 2007 westerns. |
4 |
| (500) Days of Summer |
2009 |
Phony
fucking baloney. |
1 |
| 54 |
1998 |
Godawful,
boring story of Studio 54 |
1 |
| Adaptation |
2002 |
One
great high-wire act, until the guy falls |
4 |
| Adventureland |
2009 |
A
fine, fine college comedy. |
4 |
| Aeon Flux |
2005 |
Fux
fux sux fux sux sux sux |
1 |
| Affliction |
1998 |
Really
sad, Nick Nolte is good and restrained |
4 |
| A.I. |
2001 |
A
messy, contrived attempt at thoughtfulness |
2 |
| All or Nothing |
2002 |
It's
not the sadness that makes sad people interesting |
2 |
| Almost Famous |
2000 |
Meandering
and self-indulgent classic-rock story |
2 |
| Alone in the Dark |
2005 |
A
new low in "storytelling"? |
1 |
| American Beauty |
1999 |
Fine
story of suburban angst |
4 |
| American Movie |
1999 |
Very
funny story of inept moviemaker |
3 |
| American Pie |
1999 |
Funny,
sloppy teen comedy with tits. |
3 |
| American Psycho |
2000 |
Pointless
satire(?) of 80's greed |
2 |
| The Amityville Horror |
2005 |
No
good ideas? How about a remake? |
2 |
| Anchorman |
2004 |
Ha
ha, people dressed funny in the 70s. |
2 |
| Angels and Demons |
2009 |
As
if Catholic rituals weren't silly enough already.. |
1 |
| Anger Management |
2003 |
More
mature fart jokes from Sandler |
1 |
| The Animal |
2001 |
One
joke(?), eighty minutes |
1 |
| The Aristocrats |
2005 |
Filthy
fucking comedy. Dirty, dirty, dirty. |
3 |
| Art of War |
2000 |
Pretentious,
pointless, confusing thriller |
1 |
| Attack of the Clones |
2002 |
A
middling Star Wars story, and that's an improvement |
3 |
| Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me |
1999 |
Amusing
but overly childish |
3 |
| Avatar |
2009 |
Fancy-ass pictures and lame-ass story. |
2 |
| The Avengers |
1998 |
A
muddled disaster. Tiresome action |
2 |
| Babe: Pig in the City |
1998 |
Absolutely
wonderful. I should've given it five fingers |
4 |
| Bad News Bears |
2005 |
What
baseball means to assholes |
2 |
| The Bad News Bears |
1976 |
What
baseball means to kids |
4 |
| The Ballad of Jack and Rose |
2005 |
Who
let them make a movie out of an undergraduate liberal arts college
short story? |
1 |
| The Bank Job |
2008 |
Decent
heist flick ruined by being a movie |
3 |
| Barnyard |
2006 |
Hate
your kids? Show them this. |
1 |
| Batman Begins |
2005 |
Just
another comic book movie, except not for kids and not for adults. |
2 |
| The Beach |
2000 |
Bad
story veers into ludicrousness |
2 |
| Because I Said So |
2007 |
Made
me shit my pants |
1 |
| Be Cool |
2005 |
So
uncool it hurts my nuts |
2 |
| Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo |
2010 |
If
it walks like a student film, talks like a student film... |
2 |
| Be Kind Rewind |
2008 |
It
has its moments |
3 |
| Before Sunset |
2004 |
Sweet,
but, I don't know, bittersweet. |
4 |
| Behind Enemy Lines |
2001 |
Make
believe hogwash to encourage patriotism |
2 |
| Being John Malkovich |
1999 |
Wildly
overrated one-joke (a good one) movie |
3 |
| Best in Show |
2000 |
The
funniest movie of 2000 |
4 |
| Best Worst Movie |
2010 |
Just
see the movie it talks about. |
2 |
| The Big Bounce |
2004 |
Lazy
postcard from Hawaii |
2 |
| Big Fish |
2004 |
Phoney
Baloney |
2 |
| Big Momma's House |
2000 |
Jesus,
this one sucks |
2 |
| The Black Dahlia |
2006 |
Melodrama
vs Noir and Melo wins by a knockout! |
1 |
| Black Knight |
2001 |
But
this one sucks worse |
1 |
| Blackhawk Down |
2002 |
War
Porn |
2 |
| Blade |
1999 |
Better
than expected, accidentally starring Stephen Dorff. |
3 |
| Blade II |
2002 |
A
dreadfully dull rerun |
1 |
| Blair Witch Project |
1999 |
Effectively
creepy, really cheap |
4 |
| Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows |
2000 |
A
huge turd, totally worthless. |
1 |
| Blood Diamond |
2006 |
More
smug, simplistic speechifying by Hollywood |
1 |
| Bloodrayne |
2006 |
Uwe
Boll craps his pants. |
1 |
| Bolt |
2008 |
Animated
Disney crap that don't stink much.. |
3 |
| Book of Eli |
2010 |
Jesus
says kill, kill, kill.. |
2 |
| Bounce |
2000 |
Stupid
Affleck/ Paltrow drama. Their fans get what they deserve. |
2 |
| The Bourne Identity |
2002 |
A
well-made genre actioner |
3 |
| The Bourne Supremacy |
2004 |
Better
than the first, better than most |
4 |
| The Bourne Ultimatum |
2007 |
Man,
it zips like a good fly |
4 |
| Bowfinger |
1999 |
A
funny story of moviemaking |
3 |
| The
Break-up |
2006 |
Kill
unfunny yuppies |
1 |
| Brick |
2006 |
Film
school artsy bullshit |
1 |
| Brokeback Mountain |
2006 |
Gay
cowboys roping calves. |
3 |
| Broken Flowers |
2005 |
A
not-quite-cooked bittersweet story |
3 |
| Bruno |
2009 |
Watch
Borat instead. |
2 |
| Burn After Reading |
2008 |
Do
you like being insulted? |
1 |
| Butterfly Effect |
2004 |
Perfect
for 4-year old amateur psychologists |
1 |
| Capote |
2006 |
Cold-blooded
author writes about killers |
4 |
| Cars |
2006 |
Kids
homage to Route 66? |
3 |
| Casino Royale |
2007 |
The
rebirth of the same Bond. |
3 |
| Cast Away |
2000 |
Half
ad, half movie, half decent |
3 |
| Catch Me If You Can |
2002 |
A
decent chaser with Spielberg sap |
3 |
| Cats and Dogs 2 |
2010 |
A
terrible thing to make children see |
1 |
| Cedar Rapids |
2011 |
Indie
film disguised as raunchy comedy |
3 |
| Celebrity |
1998 |
Woody
Allen's treading water |
2 |
| Center Stage |
2000 |
Lame
teen ballet movie |
1 |
| Changing Lanes |
2002 |
Ben
Affleck takes a dump |
2 |
| Charlie's Angels |
2000 |
Mindless,
but not quite mindless enough |
3 |
| Charlotte's Web |
2006 |
Faithful
and solid, like a good pig |
4 |
| Children of Men |
2007 |
Dystopic
and dyspeptic and lovely |
4 |
| Christmas with the Kranks |
2004 |
Rips
out Santa's heart and shits on it. |
1 |
| The Chronicles of Narnia |
2005 |
Rips
out children's hearts and glowers at them. |
2 |
| Cinderella Man |
2005 |
formulaic
boxingmovie that works. |
3 |
| City of Ember |
2008 |
Sort
of inert and dull for the end of the world. |
2 |
| City of God |
2003 |
What
happens when everything goes right with an experiment |
5 |
| A Civil Action |
1998 |
Another
John Travolta as serious actor pile |
2 |
| Clay Pigeons |
1998 |
Decent
country noir |
3 |
| Clerks 2 |
2006 |
Blibbidy
blabbidy blah poop blah |
1 |
| Closer |
2004 |
A
fucking fraud |
1 |
| Club Dread |
2004 |
A
turd so lazy it missed the bowl |
2 |
| Cold Souls |
2009 |
Fancy
high-brow thinking in search of a story. |
2 |
| Confessions of a Dangerous
Mind |
2003 |
Uninvolving
fantastical bullshit |
2 |
| The Constant Gardener |
2005 |
Top-grade
thriller. Smart shit. |
4 |
| Cop Out |
2010 |
Lazy,
retarded and lame. |
1 |
| The Corpse Bride |
2005 |
Bad
claymation with lots of singing. |
2 |
| The Count of Monte Cristo |
2002 |
A
lifeless mash of a great story |
2 |
| Couples Retreat |
2009 |
Whiny
married people rediscover love when we want them to discover a shotgun. |
1 |
| Coyote Ugly |
2000 |
Laughably
awful movie that should have nudity but doesn't |
1 |
| Crank: High Voltage |
2009 |
A
celebration of absolute, arrogant stupidity |
1 |
| Crash |
2005 |
Hollywood
would stop making crap if we loved each other |
2 |
| Crazy Heart |
2010 |
Small
can be a good thing. |
4 |
| Criminal |
2004 |
Complete
and total nonsense. |
2 |
| Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon |
2000 |
Holy
fuck is this movie great |
5 |
| Cruel Intentions |
1999 |
Dull
and retarded telling of Dangerous Liaisons |
2 |
| Curse of the Jade Scorpion |
2001 |
A
plodding Woody Allen caper |
3 |
| Cyrus |
2010 |
Oedpius
wants to fuck you rmom. |
3 |
| Dan, in Real Life |
2007 |
Crappity,
crap, crap with a feminine laxative. |
2 |
| The Darjeeling Limited |
2007 |
Look,
ma, I'm JD Salinger! |
2 |
| Dave Chapelle's Block Party |
2006 |
A
long night |
3 |
| Dawn of the Dead |
2004 |
Zombies
run amok for your pleasure |
4 |
| The Day After Tomorrow |
2004 |
Bad
fucking Porn, about weather |
1 |
| The Day the Earth Stood Still |
2008 |
Boring,
preachy, stupid. Sucktastic. |
1 |
| Deep Blue Sea |
1999 |
Dumb,
dumb, dumb shark movie |
1 |
| The
Departed |
2006 |
Sylvester
Stallone can blow it out his ass! |
3 |
| The
Descent |
2006 |
Chicks
stuck in a spooky cave, in a good way |
3 |
| Deuce Bigalow: Retarded Fucking Gigolo |
1999 |
Sets
a new low for bad acting and directing |
1 |
| The Devil and Daniel Johnston |
2006 |
Hard
to love the crazy guy. |
3 |
| Diary of a Wimpy Kid |
2010 |
Adolescence
for pre-adolescents. |
2 |
| Die Another Day |
2002 |
This
is what suave is? |
2 |
| Dinner for Schmucks |
2010 |
Hollywood
preaches while it sins. |
1 |
| Divine Secrets of the Blah Blah Blah Blah |
2002 |
More
phony meoldrama about cackling women |
1 |
| Dogma |
1999 |
Pretentious,
misguided, poorly directed |
2 |
| Down to Earth |
2001
|
Chris
rock's failed attempt to become a romantic lead. |
1
|
| Down to You |
2000 |
Goes
below the lows set by Deuce Bigalow. Really lame, labored romantic
comedy |
1 |
| Drag Me to Hell |
2009 |
Puts
the fun back in Hor(fun)ror. |
4 |
| Dreamcatcher |
2003 |
What
the Fuck? |
1 |
| The Dreamers |
2004 |
This
is some seriously stinky horseshit. |
1 |
| Driven |
2001
|
Men
loving men, and racing |
2
|
| Drumline |
2002
|
Drumming
should be inthe Olympics |
2
|
| Duets |
2000 |
Exactly
what Karaoke fans deserve |
2 |
| Dumb and Dumberer |
2003 |
Painful
and Painfuler |
1 |
| EDtv |
1999 |
Moderately
amusing, pretty sappy. |
3 |
| An Education |
2010 |
Better
to be schooled than get schooled. |
4 |
| Election |
1999 |
Funny
and nasty comedy about high school elections |
4 |
| Eight Legged Freaks |
2002 |
Big
spiders mean medium-sized fun |
3 |
| 8 Mile |
2002 |
Hip
Hop crapera |
2 |
| Enemy at the Gates |
2001 |
Could
have been a good war story if it wasn't so fucking boring. |
2 |
| Envy |
2004 |
A
mammoth, foul turd. |
1 |
| Erin Brockovich |
2000 |
Surprisingly
good drama starring my future wife |
4 |
| Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind |
2004 |
Something
to think about, and not while you're jerking off. |
4 |
| The Ex |
2007 |
Like
crapping in your eyeballs |
1 |
| Exit Through the Gift Shop |
2010 |
Either
art or not, hard to say. |
4 |
| The Exorcist |
2000 |
Rerelease
of classic that will make you shit your pants |
4 |
| Extract |
2009 |
A
willfully unfunny comedy. |
2 |
| Extraordinary Measures |
2010 |
Made-for-Tv
movie at theater prices. |
2 |
| Eye of the Beholder |
1999 |
Laughably
bad, inconsistent and ridiculous |
1 |
| Eyes Wide Shut |
1999 |
Well-directed
dumb story |
3 |
| Factory Girl |
2007 |
WProbably
brought down prices on Warhol's paintings |
1 |
| The Faculty |
1998 |
Weak
horror. the scariest thing is when that fat fuck Harry Knowles shows
up |
2 |
| Fahrenheit 9/11 |
2004 |
Soothes
the liberal's soul, but not much else. |
2 |
| The Fast and the Furious |
2001 |
Good
racing, dumb everything else. |
2 |
| The Fast and the Furious 3 |
2006 |
Dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. |
1 |
| Fellowship of the Ring (Lord of the Rings) |
2001 |
A
fan boy's wet dream. |
3 |
| Finding Neverland |
2005 |
Keep
looking. It ain't here. |
2 |
| Final Destination 2 |
2003 |
Gory
shit, like a bloody stool |
1 |
| Fired Up |
2009 |
Toothless,
titless bad comedy |
1 |
| Forces of Nature |
1999 |
A
big fuck you from Hollywood |
1 |
| Friday Night Lights |
2004 |
A
movie about the evil of high school sports, with lots of sports |
3 |
| Forgetting
Sarah Marshall |
2008 |
Love
hurts, obsession hurts more |
3 |
| The Forty Year Old Virgin |
2005 |
Man
loses virginity, after a while |
4 |
| Four Christmases |
2008 |
Someone
took a dump under the tree, again. |
1 |
| From Hell |
2001 |
Horror
misguided as London travelogue |
2 |
| From The Incredible Hulk to Kelly |
2003 |
The
singingest, dancingest monster movie ever! |
2 |
| Full Frontal |
2002 |
Hollywood
celerities should get shrinks because we sure as hell can't help
them |
1 |
| Funny People |
2009 |
Oh,
man, I feel so sorry for the rich comedians |
2 |
| G-Force |
2009 |
Just
fucking dreadful. Don't make your kids watch it, |
1 |
| Galaxy Quest |
1999 |
Funny
Star Trek movie. Better to see at home where you don't have Trekkies
sitting near you. |
3 |
| Get Low |
2010 |
Get
bored. |
2 |
| Get Smart |
2008 |
Get
bent. |
1 |
| Ghost Town |
2008 |
Romantic
comedy that doesn't totally suck. |
3 |
| Ghost World |
2001 |
A
funny, sad and nearly perfect tale of alienation and disenfranchisement. |
4 |
| Gigli |
2003 |
Mind-bendingly,
and nut-shootingly awful. |
1 |
| Gladiator |
2000 |
Maybe
the most expensive gay gladiator movie ever |
3 |
| Glitter |
2001 |
The
movie all Mariah Carey Fans truly deserve |
5 |
| Go |
1999 |
A
fantastic, furious story |
4 |
| Godzilla 2000 |
2000 |
The
best Godzilla movie ever |
5 |
| Gone in Sixty Seconds |
2000 |
a
fucking waste of time, only one good chase scene |
2 |
| Goodbye, Lover |
1999 |
Totally
inept attempt at noir. Patricia Arquette stinks up the screen. |
1 |
| The Good Girl |
2002 |
A
boring movie about boring people. |
2 |
| Greenberg |
2010 |
Whining,
pouting, moping and bitching. Waaa waaa waaa. |
2 |
| The Green Hornet |
2011 |
Wishes
it were different, but doesn't have the balls or brains. |
2 |
| Green Zone |
2010 |
Lame
politics, lame movie. |
2 |
| Hamlet 2 |
2008 |
A
boring movie about boring people. |
2 |
| Hancock |
2008 |
Too
fat, sloppy and pathetic to be funny |
2 |
| The Hangover |
2009 |
Looks
like a good time. |
4 |
| Hannibal |
2001
|
A
woefully disappointing sequel, dumbed down but trying to look smart. |
2
|
| Happiness |
1999 |
Too
much shock for shock's value |
3 |
| Happy, Texas |
1999 |
One
joke that goes on too long |
3 |
| Hardball |
2001 |
Baseball
for shut-in viewers of the Lifetime Channel |
1 |
| Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle |
2001 |
Stoners
amusing only stoners. |
1 |
| Harold and Kumar 2 |
2003 |
Dude,
I was sooo wasted. |
|
| Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part
1 |
2010 |
A
tiresome slog with no end. |
2 |
| Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone |
2001 |
A
slavish adaptation of a book with potential |
3 |
| Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban |
2004 |
Don't
let the kids see it |
4 |
| Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix |
2007 |
Great
book. Enough said. |
3 |
| Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince |
2009 |
Then,
like magic, they're in love. |
4 |
| Hart's War |
2002 |
A
solid stalag drama until the last 20 minutes. |
2 |
| Head Over Heels |
2001
|
Another
shitty performance in another shitty movie for Freddie Prinze, Jr. |
1
|
| The Heartbreak Kid |
2007
|
Break
your legs instead. You'll laugh more. |
1
|
| Heartbreakers |
2001
|
Jesus
Christ, just gouge out my eyes already. A dreadful "black comedy"
with Love Hewitt posing as a grifter. |
2
|
| Hellboy |
2004
|
Masturbatory
Fanboy horseshit that excludes regular people |
2
|
| Hereafter |
2010
|
Boring,
thoughtless afterlife nonsense. |
2
|
| Hi-Lo Country |
1999 |
Bad
country from a Limey. Warning: stars Woody Harrelson |
2 |
| High Fidelity |
2000 |
Good
comedy about record store owner |
3 |
| A History of Violence |
2005 |
Yep,
it's violent all right. |
3 |
| The Hitcher |
2007 |
Bad
photocopy of a pile of shit |
1 |
| The Hoax |
2007 |
Con
men con suckers |
4 |
| Hot Fuzz |
2007 |
An
awesome cop action flick |
3 |
| The Hours |
2003 |
Sour
women making sour faces. |
2 |
| The House on Haunted Hill |
1999 |
Terrible
plot and dialogue, good scares |
3 |
| The House of D |
2005 |
Fucking
dreadful retard dramedy |
1 |
| How the Grinch Stole Christmas |
2000 |
Fucking
hateful pice of shit |
1 |
| How to Eat Fried Worms |
2006 |
It's
right there in the title. |
4 |
| How to Train Your Dragon |
2010 |
Seriously,
I didn't learn anything about training. |
3 |
| Hustle and Flow |
2005 |
Pretty
Memphis travelogue |
3 |
| I Am Legend |
2007 |
Worst
zombie movie ever. |
1 |
| I Heart Huckabees |
2004 |
Bad
fucking, pretentious, incomprehensible movie |
1 |
| Ice Age |
2002 |
Great
effects, stupid story |
2 |
| Ice Age 2 |
2006 |
Okay
effects, hack story |
2 |
| Ice Princess |
2005 |
The
fantasy of every home-schooled teen girl come true |
2 |
| Igby Goes Down |
2002 |
Passable
Salinger ripoff |
3 |
| II Love You, Man |
2009 |
Funny
despite itself. |
3 |
| The In-laws |
2001 |
As
funny as hysterical children (which is who probably made it) |
1 |
| The Incredibles |
2004 |
It's
fucking art, man. Fun art, not the bad kind. |
5 |
| The Informant! |
2009 |
Wacky,
wacky, wacky music and spies!. |
2 |
| In Good Company |
2005 |
Go
ahead, call me a softie. |
4 |
| Inside Deep Throat |
2005 |
Glitzy,
empty documentary about porn |
2 |
| Insomnia |
2002 |
A
fantastic sleepy-time noir |
4 |
| Instinct |
1999 |
Dumb
monkeys posing as provocative drama |
1 |
| Iron Man |
2008 |
Intelligent,
for a turd. |
2 |
| Iron Man 2 |
2010 |
Very
loud, considering there's nothing there.. |
2 |
| In the Land of Women |
2007 |
Turdity-turd
turd |
1 |
| Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal
Skull |
2008 |
Older,
slower, weirder |
3 |
| I Spy |
2002 |
I
spy a turd! |
1 |
| The Italian Job |
2003 |
Soulless,
bland and action-packed! |
2 |
| It's Kind of a Funny Story |
2010 |
Not
the way they tell it, it isn't. |
2 |
| Jackass 2 |
2006 |
Stupid
stunts that say so much. |
3 |
| Jeepers Creepers |
2001 |
Powerful
bad horror movie(?) |
1 |
| Jersey Girl |
2004 |
Robots
with vaginas. |
1 |
| Joy Ride |
2001
|
Better
than average psycho-after-teens-in-old-car movie |
3
|
| John Carpenter's Vampires |
1998 |
Even
cheesier than intended |
2 |
| Josie and the Pussycats |
2001
|
A
tedious, unfunny insult to girl power |
1
|
| Journey to the Center of the Earth |
2008
|
Avoid,
especially if you don't get 3-D glasses at the door |
2
|
| Juno |
2008
|
Man,
I thought I disliked teenage girls, bt compared to this... |
2
|
| Jurassic Park 3 |
2001 |
the
best in the series, which ain't saying a lot |
3 |
| Kill Bill, Volume 2 |
2004 |
Smug
shit for people who say they love movies, but mostly love saying
they do. |
2 |
| King Kong |
2005 |
Too
God damn much. |
3 |
| The King of Kong |
2007 |
A
funny as hell documentary about stuff that matters. |
5 |
| The King of California |
2007 |
Dullest
treasure hunt ever. |
2 |
| Kinsey |
2004 |
Boring
movie sort of about sex but mostly about Oscar |
2 |
| Kissing Jessica Stein |
2002 |
Sexual
identity as an NBC sitcom. |
2 |
| The Kid Stays in the Picture |
2002
|
A
brilliant documentary about the assholes who make movies |
4
|
| A Knight's Tale |
2001
|
If
you're dumb and a teenaged girl, you'll love it. |
2
|
| Knocked Up |
2007
|
Wathicng
babies get born was never so funny (but it's been hotter) |
4
|
| Kung Fu Hustle |
2005
|
If
you don't mind sitting by nouthbreathers, it may be worth seeing |
3
|
| Land of the Dead |
2005
|
Pretty
enjoyable flesh-eater |
3
|
| The Last House on the Left |
2009
|
Snuff
without the snuff. |
2
|
| The Legend of Bagger Vance |
2000 |
Long-ass
movie about angels and golf |
2 |
| The Life Aquatic |
2005 |
Pretty,
clever, wasted potential |
3 |
| Little Miss Sunshine |
2006 |
Road
comedy taken over by the NPR crowd. |
2 |
| Little Nicky |
2000 |
Yet
another turd in Adam Sandler's oeuvre |
1 |
| Lord of War |
2005 |
Self-righteous
horseshit. |
1 |
| The Losers |
2010 |
Frat
boy wet dreams splatter the screen. |
1 |
| The Low Down |
2001 |
Bored
Limeys have the decency not to complain |
3 |
| Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels |
1998
|
A
good Tarantino rip off |
3
|
| MacGruber |
2010 |
SNL
takes another dump on us. |
2 |
| Madagascar |
2005 |
Shit
flinging lemurs |
2 |
| Magnolia |
2000 |
An
amazing ensemble drama about chance |
5 |
| The Man |
2005 |
Jesus
Fucking Christ. |
1 |
| Maid in Manhattan |
2002
|
As
crappy as the crappy title |
1
|
| The Majestic |
2001 |
Watch
Jim Carrey barf up horseshit speeches |
1 |
| Mamma Mia |
2008 |
Less
killing, more singing! |
2 |
| Man on the Moon |
1999 |
Figure
it out, Carrey, you're not a good actor |
3 |
| The Man Who Wasn't There |
2001 |
As
good a replica of noir as you'll find |
4 |
| The Matador |
2006 |
No
blood, some tears, fair comedy |
3 |
| Match Point |
2006 |
Solid,
boring infidelity drama. |
2 |
| The Matrix |
1999 |
Enough
to make an action-figure collector weep with joy |
* |
| Meet Joe Black |
1998 |
Really
long and boring, but okay |
3 |
| Meet The Parents |
2000 |
Funny,
but ignores women |
3 |
| Meet The Robinsons |
2007 |
3-D
never looked so irrelevant (except for in real life) |
2 |
| Meet The Spartans |
2008 |
Like
vomiting up shit |
1 |
| Memento |
2001
|
Interesting,
different, but also a little shallow |
3
|
| Men in Black II |
2002
|
A
rote sequel, just good enough to cash in. |
2
|
| Message in a Bottle |
1999 |
Lame
weepy for the Lifetime Channel lover |
2 |
| Mickey Blue Eyes |
1999 |
Completely
formulaic bullshit |
1 |
| Midsummer Night's Dream |
1999 |
Hatchet
job on Shakepseare |
2 |
| A Mighty Wind |
2003 |
Funny
because it's almost true |
4 |
| Million Dollar Baby |
2005 |
Chicks
fight, but it ain't hot |
3 |
| The Minority Report |
2002 |
This
is what passes for dark in Spielberg's world? |
2 |
| Mission: Impossible 2 |
2000 |
Fucking
awful, Tom Cruise sucks pits |
2 |
| Mission to Mars |
2000 |
One
of 2000's worst, featuring weeping aliens |
1 |
| Monkeybone |
2001
|
A
lame, confusing animation/live-action mix. |
2
|
| Monsters vs. Aliens |
2009
|
Sci-fi
monsters revived, barely. |
2
|
| Morvern Callar |
2003
|
Boring
ass kids mope around all day. |
2
|
| Moulin Rouge |
2001
|
Over
the top, and then still keeps going |
2
|
| Mr. 3000 |
2004
|
If
you thought baseball was boring... |
1
|
| Mulholland Drive |
2001
|
Like
a good bad dream that stays with you |
5
|
| The Mummy Returns |
2001
|
Lots
of special effects, and that's all. |
2
|
| Mumford |
1999 |
Misguided
new-agey nonsense |
2 |
| Murder By Numbers |
2002 |
A
bad 90s Psychological Thriller for the new millennium |
1 |
| The Muse |
1999 |
Albert
Brooks fucks up. It's just not funny |
2 |
| My Bloody Valentine |
2009 |
Terrible
if not in 3D. Bad if in. |
2 |
| Mystery Men |
1999 |
A
great idea completely wasted |
2 |
| The Negotiator |
1998 |
The
same story told over and over |
2 |
| Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist |
2008 |
Cute
people do cute things, but don't die. |
2 |
| A Nightmare on Elm Street |
2010 |
Ugly
people do ugly things, and die. |
1 |
| Nim's Island |
2008 |
No
movie for children, or adults, or animals |
2 |
| No Country for Old Men |
2007 |
No
movie for children |
4 |
| Notting Hill |
1999 |
Funny,
cute, terrible ending |
3 |
| Nurse Betty |
2000 |
Weird
subversion of Hollywood standards |
4 |
| The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps |
2000 |
Bad,
crude, tired and overly loud |
2 |
| O Brother, Where Art Thou |
2001 |
If
you love PBS, you might like it |
2 |
| Obsessed |
2009 |
Mechanical
like a pencil, but not as interesting |
1 |
| Ocean's 11 |
2001 |
Good,
but not cool |
3 |
| Ocean's 12 |
2004 |
Pray
there's no 13 |
2 |
| Ocean's 13 |
2007 |
Pray
there's no 14 |
2 |
| Office Space |
1999 |
Very
funny, weird paced office comedy |
3 |
| Old School |
2003 |
Immaturity
ain't so bad |
3 |
| Open Water |
2004 |
Sharks
aren't as scary as yuppies. |
2 |
| Orange County |
2002 |
So
lazy they didn't even bother to visit the county they write about |
2 |
| The Orphanage |
2008 |
Boogedy
boogedy boogedy |
3 |
| The Other Guys |
2010 |
Too
much stuff, too little funny. |
2 |
| Outside Providence |
1999 |
Not
funny but very sappy |
2 |
| Over the Hedge |
2006 |
Hypocritical
kids' movie |
2 |
| Panic Room |
2002 |
Dreary,
overblown Hitchock ripoff |
2 |
| Pan's Labyrinth |
2007 |
The
bloodiest child fantasy ever |
4 |
| The Passion of the Christ |
2004 |
Jesus
must be pissed |
2 |
| Pay it Forward |
2000 |
Hollywood
pandering at its second worst |
1 |
| Pearl Harbor |
2001 |
Rah-rah,
America makes great wars and shitty movies |
1 |
| Pecker |
1998 |
Funny
and actually touching Jon Waters |
4 |
| The Perfect Storm |
2000 |
Big
waves, hammy acting |
2 |
| Permanent Midnight |
1998 |
Lame,
self-indulgent drug tale |
2 |
| Persepolis |
2008 |
People
can be boring even in hard times |
2 |
| Peter Pan |
2004 |
Bipolar
rendition both genuine and fake |
3 |
| Phone Booth |
2003 |
Really
long at 80 minutes. |
2 |
| Pineapple Express |
2008 |
Really
long at 100 minutes. |
2 |
| Pirates of the Caribbean 2 |
2006 |
Cut
the grease and 60 minutes. |
2 |
| Pirates of the Caribbean 3 |
2007 |
More
of the same bloated shit. |
2 |
| Planet of the Apes |
2001 |
I'd
rather be on Planet of the ape shit |
1 |
| Planet 51 |
2010 |
IA
big "Fuck you, may I have your money?" |
2 |
| Pooh's
Heffalump Movie |
2005 |
Something
for the little Filthy in your life. |
3 |
| Poseidon |
2006 |
Unpleasant,
loud remake of an unpleasant, long movie |
1 |
| The Prestige |
2006 |
You
like magic? Seek help. |
2 |
| Princess Diaries 2 |
2004 |
Horrificaly
violent and pointless sequel to original |
1 |
| Proof of Life |
2000 |
Half-good
thriller, half-bad love story. Meg Ryan is in the bad half |
3 |
| Psycho |
1998 |
Totally
pointless remake of a great story |
3 |
| Punch Drunk Love |
2002 |
A
nearly successful romantic experiment. |
3 |
| Pushing Tin |
1999 |
Bullshit
for the sensitive male. John Cusack at his smug worst. |
2 |
| Queen of the Damned |
2002 |
A
fucking awful pile of shit about hipster vampires |
1 |
| The Quiet American |
2003 |
Beautiful
and sad thriller |
4 |
| Quills |
2000 |
Watered
down and overacted Marquis |
2 |
| R V |
2006 |
Lifeless
load of retread crap |
1 |
| Rachel Getting Married |
2008 |
Oh,
those poor old rich people are so sad. Boo hoo. |
2 |
| Raising Victor Vargas |
2003 |
Genuinely
sweet. I swear to God. |
4 |
| Ratatouille |
2007 |
Rat
cooks, audience yawns. |
2 |
| RED |
2010 |
Ancient
old people shoot guns a lot. |
2 |
| Red Dragon |
2002 |
At
least Hannibal's good |
3 |
| Reign Over Me |
2007 |
As
long as they make movies about 9/11, they might as well be as shitty
as the others. |
2 |
| Reindeer Games |
2000 |
Bad,
very bad caper movie with Ben Affleck sucking ass |
2 |
| The Replacements |
2000 |
A
shitty football comedy for people who don't watch football |
1 |
| Return to Me |
2000 |
Overly
sentimental pap |
1 |
| Revenge of the Sith |
2005 |
Darth
Vader is a bad, bad man |
3 |
| Riding the Bus with my Sister |
2005 |
Made
for TV Rosie O'Donnell retard movie |
2 |
| The Ring |
2002 |
If
this is what passes for scary, kid's today are pussies. |
2 |
| The Road |
2002 |
Not
as fun a road trip movie as I expected. |
2 |
| Road to Perdition |
2009 |
It
works as a furniture catalog, with the actors as furniture |
3 |
| Rock Star |
2001 |
Hair
Metal Shakespearean Tragedy. What could be worse? |
1 |
| Rocket Science |
2007 |
Fucking
garbage for the pretentious set. |
1 |
| Romeo Must Die |
2000 |
Martial
arts meets hip-hop and nobody survives |
2 |
| The Royal Tenenbaums |
2001 |
As
tasty a mess as Mrs. Filthy's cornflake casseroles |
3 |
| Rules of Attraction |
2002 |
It
fucking blows |
1 |
| Run, Lola, Run |
1999 |
A
great, fast moving story with bad music |
4 |
| Rush Hour 2 |
2001 |
Offensive,
stale, humorless tripe. |
1 |
| Rushmore |
2000 |
The
greatest story ever told, or close to it |
5 |
| Sahara |
2005 |
Holy
shit is this thing loud. |
2 |
| Saw |
2004 |
The
bloodiest turd I've seen since a week at cancer summer camp |
1 |
| Scary Movie |
2000 |
One
thousand dirty jokes, ten work |
2 |
| Scary Movie 2 |
2001
|
A
brutal crime against humanity |
1
|
| The Science of Sleep |
2006
|
It's
all so fucking pretty. |
5
|
| The Score |
2001
|
Marlon
Brando is fat. |
2
|
| Scott
Pilgrim Vs. The World |
2010
|
A
comic book movie that looks like a comic book. |
3
|
| Seabiscuit |
2003
|
| Secret Window |
2004
|
Secret
Window, not so secret crappiness. |
2
|
| Secretary |
2002
|
A
very good love story that also happens to be about bondage |
4
|
| Semi-Pro |
2008
|
Will
Ferrell's gotta give up this schtick, please |
1
|
| Serendipity |
2001
|
Yuppies
in love, or their interpretation of it |
2
|
| A Serious Man |
2009
|
A
shallow, bitter examination of something profound. |
2
|
| Sex and the City 2 |
2010
|
It
was great to see these women brutally killed. |
4
|
| Sex Drive |
2008
|
Lame,
mushy and not nearly enough nudity |
2
|
| Shadow of the Vampire |
2001
|
More
entertaining than creepy, but enjoyable. |
3
|
| Shaft |
2000 |
A
decent Shaft movie, but no nudity and no sex. Fuck that shit. |
3 |
| The Shaggy Dog |
2006 |
Shitty
remake bound to dredge up bad memories |
1 |
| Shallow Hal |
2001 |
Fat
girls are okay too, says Hollywood, but we won't hire them. |
2 |
| The Shape of Things |
2003 |
Boring,
pretentious, annoying. And awful too. |
1 |
| Shaun of the Dead |
2004 |
Zombies
can be funny, and sexy too. |
3 |
| Sideways |
2004 |
Losers,
but mostly lovable. |
4 |
| A Simple Plan |
1998 |
A
great, simply told thriller about four men and $4 million. |
4 |
| The Simpsons Movie |
2007 |
God
damn I love the Simpsons |
4 |
| Simone |
2002 |
A
muddled, fraudulent "comedy" about Hollywood |
2 |
| Slacker |
1991 |
A
beautiful film about going nowhere. |
5 |
| Slackers |
2002 |
The
horrible result of an 8-year old with a dirty mind. |
1 |
| SLC Punk! |
1999 |
A
total injustice to punks, made by people who don't get it |
2 |
| Sleepy Hollow |
1999 |
A
good, creepy gothic story |
3 |
| Slumdog Millionaire |
2008 |
Indian
kid wins a million, gets hot chick. |
3 |
| The Slums of Beverly Hills |
1999 |
Occasionally
labored, often funny coming of age |
3 |
| Small Time Crooks |
2000 |
Woody
Allen fails to recapture old glory |
2 |
| Smoke Signals |
1998 |
A
small, sweet movie that's about real Indians, not make believe "spirits" |
4 |
| Snatch |
2001 |
Overhyped
movie about stupid men |
2 |
| The Social Network |
2010 |
Something
about a web site that gets you laid. |
3 |
| Solaris |
2002 |
Sleep-inducing,
but pretty to look at |
3 |
| Son
of Rambow |
2008 |
Phony
indie crap |
2 |
| Spanglish |
2004 |
Self-serving
Hollywood horseshit |
1 |
| Speed
Racer |
2008 |
True
to the TV series' crappiness |
2 |
| Spiderman |
2002 |
Decent
but just like every other superhero movie |
3 |
| The Spiderwick Chronicles |
2008 |
Too
much like every other kids' fantasy |
2 |
| Star Treks: The Movie: 2 |
2009 |
Super-duper-duper
awesome Star Treks |
* |
| Star Wars: The Clone Wars |
2008 |
Cash
grab, crap ass. |
2 |
| Starsky and Hutch |
2004 |
Just
another crappy cheap shot at the 70s |
2 |
| State and Main |
2000 |
Unfunny
and sloppy "satire" |
2 |
| Stay |
2005 |
Psycho-thriller--suuuuuuucks |
1 |
| Step Brothers |
2008 |
Growing
up su-ucks. |
3 |
| The Stepfather |
2009 |
Barely
even qualifies as a movie. |
1 |
| Stir of Echoes |
1999 |
A
decent horror flick.. Even Kevin Bacon isn't bad |
3 |
| Storytelling |
2002 |
Self-indulgence
blocks a good idea |
2 |
| The Straight Story |
1999 |
Richard
Farnsworth, David Lynch and a great story of personal triumph |
4 |
| Stuart Little |
1999 |
Leaden
chidren's comedy that assumes kids are retarded |
2 |
| Summer of Sam |
1999 |
A
complete mess |
2 |
| Superbad |
2007 |
If
only there were boobs |
3 |
| Supersize Me |
2004 |
More
artsy choir preaching |
2 |
| Superstar |
1999 |
Another
awful SNL skit |
1 |
| Surrogates |
2009 |
Oooo,
robots, oooo. |
1 |
| Sweet and Lowdown |
1999 |
Woody
Allen succeeds in recapturing old glory |
4 |
| Swimfan |
2002 |
A
contrived and unoriginal teen "thriller" as welcome as
drowning. |
1 |
| Swimming Pool |
2003 |
A
flick that's honest-to-god sexy. I love boobs. |
3 |
| Tadpole |
2002 |
The
kind of show-offy shit that gives arthouses a bad name |
2 |
| The Tailor of Panama |
2001
|
Middle-aged
spies and liars story in Panama |
3
|
| Taken |
2009
|
Mindless
and retarded action for the truly dim-witted |
1
|
| Taking Woodstock |
2009
|
Dirty,
sweaty hippies love. |
2
|
| The Talented Mr. Ripley |
1999 |
Overly
arty, long psycho-drama |
2 |
| Tarzan |
1999 |
More
of the same Disney shit with the added insult of Rosie O'Donnell |
2 |
| Team America |
2004 |
Butt,
wiener, repeat. |
2 |
| The Terminal |
2004 |
Horseshit
sprinkled with saccharine. |
1 |
| Terminator 3 |
2003 |
A
fine fucking action movie |
4 |
| Terminator Salvation |
2009 |
Lifeless,
humorless techno snore |
2 |
| There Will be Blood |
2008 |
Hi,
Charles Foster |
2 |
| There's Something About Mary |
1998 |
A
crass comedy done right |
3 |
| The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada |
2006 |
Tommy
Lee Jones masturbatory politicizing |
2 |
| Three Kings |
1999 |
Well-made,
overly preachy comedy with lots of war |
3 |
| The Time Machine |
2002 |
Super
silly and corny but it thinks it's serious |
2 |
| Tomb Raider |
2001
|
Almost
bearable ripoff actioner. |
2
|
| Tomcats |
2001
|
A
particularly inept attempt at gross-out comedy |
1
|
| Torque |
2004
|
Dorque. |
1
|
| Touch of Evil |
1958 |
Dirty,
sleazy noir masterfully made by Orson Welles |
4 |
| The Tourist |
2010 |
Who
knew big old piles of turd could be so boring? |
1 |
| Toy Story 2 |
1999 |
A
terrific movie for kids and adults. Treats everyone intelligently |
4 |
| Toy Story 3 |
2010 |
Everyone's
getting a bit long in the tooth. |
3 |
| Traffic |
2001 |
Good,
occasionally obvious drug drama |
3 |
| Transsiberian |
2008 |
Cold,
boring, lame |
2 |
| The Triplets of Belleville |
2004 |
Tiresome
animation |
2 |
| Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
|
2006 |
Fucking
funny adaptation of an unfilmable novel |
4 |
| Tron: Legacy |
2010 |
Fat
fucking fanboys love their poop. |
1 |
| True Grit |
2011 |
Faithful
adaptation of a great book. |
3 |
| Tully |
2003 |
Fair,
sometimes corny and fake rural drama |
3 |
| Turistas |
2006 |
Derivative,
low-boobage horror crap |
2 |
| The Two Towers |
2002 |
Eye-popping
boredom |
2 |
| U-571 |
2000 |
A
better-than-expected submarine war story |
3 |
| Unbreakable |
2000 |
Silly
comic book story treated like War and Peace |
2 |
| Undercover Brother |
2002 |
Bad
fucking mojo, man |
1 |
| Unfaithful |
2002 |
Well
made but empty morality tale |
3 |
| Up |
2009 |
Good
but not best Pixar. |
4 |
| Up in the Air |
2009 |
Sometimes
it's good to be alone. |
3 |
| Valentine |
2001
|
Why
would anyone make such a lame, cliched horror movie? |
1
|
| Van Helsing |
2004
|
Bad,
bad, really fucking bad |
1
|
| Vanilla Sky |
2001
|
Hollywood
tries to get profound, and fails |
1
|
| Vicky Cristina Barcelona |
2001
|
Woody
gets wood, and is funny again. |
4
|
| Waking
Life |
2001 |
A
somewhat disappointing experiment with fabulous animation |
3 |
| Walk
Hard |
2008 |
Walk
is the key word. Walk slow and sort of lame. |
2 |
| Wall-E |
2008 |
Some
brilliant riffing on the fat and lazy. |
4 |
| Wallace
and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit |
2005 |
It's
sincerely good |
4 |
| Wall
Street 2: You're Gonna Sleep |
2010 |
Preachy,
snoozy, belabored and no fun. |
2 |
| Waltz
with Bashir |
2009 |
A
brilliant and humble exploration of memory. |
4 |
| War
of the Worlds |
2005 |
Well,
at least it's loud |
2 |
| Watchmen |
2009 |
Jimmy
Critic loves it. |
* |
| The Waterboy |
1998 |
Not
quite as funny as chopping off one of your own fingers |
1 |
| Welcome
to Mooseport |
2004 |
Coulda
been good comedy if they made it funny. |
2 |
| Wedding
Crashers |
2005 |
If
you want to pay $9 to see a flash of tits, go for it. |
2 |
| Wedding
Date |
2005 |
Perfectly
bland for people with very weak hearts and not sex lives. |
2 |
| What Planet Are You From? |
2000 |
Not
great, but pretty funny for the first half |
3 |
| Where the Heart Is |
2000 |
Hollywood
pandering at its worst |
1 |
| Whipped |
2000 |
Totally
offensive, unfunny comedy about unlikable, mean, childish people |
1 |
| The Whole Nine Yards |
2000 |
About
as funny as its inexplicable Montreal setting |
1 |
| Wicker Park |
2004 |
A
loved poem to stalking as romantic pasttime. |
1 |
| Willard |
2003 |
Fucking
dreadful "hip" remake of a fucking dreadful horror movie |
1 |
| White Noise |
2005 |
Worthless
piece of horseshit horror nonsense |
1 |
| The Wrestler |
2009 |
Good
performances, corny plot. |
3 |
| X-Men |
2000 |
Too
many characters too little excitement |
2 |
| X-Men 2 |
2003 |
See
above. |
2 |
| XXX |
2002 |
The
end of extreme sports popularity |
1 |
| Year One |
2009
|
As
limp and lame as a drunk man's dick. |
1
|
| You Can Count On Me |
2001
|
A
wonderfully funny and moving story about a fuck up brother. My sisters
should see it. |
4
|
| You Don't Get Shit on by the Zohan |
2008
|
Why
don't you kill yourself first. |
1
|
| You Kill Me |
2007
|
A
load of cutesy horseshit. |
1
|
| You Me and Dupree |
2006
|
So
bad your bones will ache with sadness. |
1
|
| Your Friends and Neighbors |
1999 |
Too
many yuppies acting like assholes without being funny |
2 |
| Youth in Revolt |
2010 |
Hipsters
can't overcome triteness of coming of age. |
2 |
| You've Got Mail |
1998 |
Warmed
over horseshit that even the actors and director don't believe |
1 |
| Y Tu Mamá También |
2002 |
The
saddest teen road comedy with the most explicit sex. Something for
everyone. |
3 |
| Zodiac |
2007 |
Serial
killers are creepy. |
4 |
| Zombieland |
2009 |
Zombies
inspire good flicks.. |
4 |
| Zoolander |
2001
|
Did
you know male models are stupid? And so are the makers of this crap. |
2
|