It's time for the fourth
annual Filthies, Arvada's biggest event; bigger than the Harvest
Day Parade and even bigger than the "Punks Bust Up Everyone's
Windshields" night we have once a year. This year, I turned
down an offer to move the festivities to the Dorothy Chandler
Pavilion in Los Angeles for security reasons. People are much
safer at the Arvada Tavern. If any terrorists tried to go monkey
on folks' asses, the Harelip would beat the holy hell out of them.
Besides, that Chandler lady always bugged the shit out of me.
I sent out hundreds of handwritten invitations to Hollywood's
elite. Worm is really fucking good at writing pretty, like calligraphy
stuff, so he addressed the envelopes, and we put their names on
the return address so we didn't have to use postage. I only told
the people we really hated that it cost $1000 to attend. Shit,
we thought we'd get rich, but the only people who showed up were
Barbra Streisand and Mr. Barbra Streisand. We didn't even invite
them. Not after they wolfed down all the Vienna Sausage last time.
Well, the joke was on Babs, because I didn't buy any weiners this
year. All I had was some ribbon candy left over from when I worked
at the Dollar Store. This year, there were more than 2200 votes
and about 400 pages of comments, which still means more than 90%
of you fuckers were too lazy to fill out a simple form. Still,
it's a hell of a lot better than last year.
Because the celebrities
couldn't make it, I will mail the plaque and $5 Wendy's gift certificate
to any winner who e-mails
me to claim his or her prize. Don't be a fucking jerk
and pretend to be someone you're not just to score a few free
Quarter-pound Double Stacks, though. There will be a verification
But enough of me yammering.
Let's get right to the big winners.
This year's hottest
competition was for the tile of worst actor. It was a crowded
field full of shit performances in shit films. One reader equated
picking a winner to "picking a winner in a smelliest fart
contest." Really, this category was like a philosophy test:
there were no wrong answers, just different. Here's what you guys
said about the choices:
(Lawrence) act like a moron in Black Knight made me want
to ask for my ticket money back, even though I was seeing the
movie on a free pass."
- "Martin won
because he was in that fucking lame-ass TV show." And
that reminds me of a question: did anyone ever actually enjoy
- "I can't for
the life of me figure out why or how actors (as they
like to call themselves) like Rob Schneider, Martin Lawrence,
and Freddie Prinze, Jr. are allowed to make craptacular movies
that nobody asked to be made in the first place. When I see
ads for crappy movies by any of these idiots, my belief that
Hollywood is run by monkeys and retards is reaffirmed."
- Chris Tucker is
simply the worst actor acting. Freddie Prinze Jr. should contract
HIV and then fuck Chris Klein in the ass to give it to him,
thereby ridding the world of the two shittiest actors in all
of filmland." Ah, but at least Klein will always have
Election going for him.
- "Freddy Prinze
jr. is the fucking worst. Even Martin Lawrence can actually
act, but Prinze jr. just flat out sucks. The scene that bugs
the shit out of me is from one of his movies where he's supposed
to be punching someone. He punches toward the camera and his
wrist is all limp....he'd have broken it off at the forearm
if he actually landed it. What a fucking knob."
- "Matthew Lillard
has got to be fucking some producer in order to get that many
jobs with such little talent." Or perhaps, in exchange
for stardom, he is not fucking them.
It should also be noted
that Ben Affleck (Ass-lick or Assfuck are also acceptable spellings)
and Jim Carrey got a shitload of write-in votes. I guess America's
love affair with the non-acting party-time frat boy are over.
I hope so.
And the winner is:
Lawrence (Black Knight)
- Freddie Prinze,
Jr. (Head Over Heels, Summer Catch)
- Chris Tucker (Rush
- Sylvester Stallone
- Jerry O'Connell
- Matthew Lillard
(13 Ghosts, Summer Catch)
- Ben Affleck (Pearl
Filthy's Pick: Martin
Lawrence. Really, people should see Black Knight just
to see how little love can be put into a movie. Remember how harmless
Lawrence seemed in House Party all those years ago? Well,
he was like a baby alligator given as a gift when it was still
tiny and cute. Now he's getting bigger, more problematic and someone
better flush him down the toilet before he kills.
Less hotly contested
than shittiest actor was shittiest actress. Maybe this is because
my predominantly male readership is scared to death of girls and
their vaginas. This seems quite likely based on the number who
liked Lord of the Rings, but the low number of responses
is also because Hollywood rarely even gives women a chance to
act. Usually they are some sort of eye candy off to the side.
I'm not complaining about the eye candy, but I like it up front,
center, topless and with issues. Here's what the folks who voted
- "Gina Gershon
is just fucking crappy enough to poison and pollute even the
best movies. Seriously, if she's not filling the role of "SKANKY
WHORE" she doesn't belong in films. Fuck her and the casting
director she rode in on!"
- "Estella Warren:
I have to wonder if she's even a real person."
- "Estella Warren:
she can't act, but she sure looks good in Planet of The Apes.
Too bad humans hadn't forgotten how to make clothes.
- "The fact that
(Warren) was in *both* Driven and Planet of the Apes
makes her an unmitigated piece of shit."
- "Shannon Elizabeth
should focus on porn. Even if she was 600 pounds, her total
lack of acting skills immediately identify her as a budding
- "I would rather
pay $8.50 to watch a cat piss for 2 hours, then watch ANY Julia
- "Helen Hunt
- She's just a face on the screen. I don't think she should
really qualify as an actress at all, all she does is mechanically
regurgitate lines. She's not attractive and her voice is annoying.
I have no idea what the hell she has going for her."
Julia Roberts was the
number one write-in candidate. Can't say I agree. Yeah, she's
slipping faster than a monkey in the rain, but my guess is that
those write-in votes were from women who want to debone me like
a 49-cent fryer and are jealous of how much Roberts wants my pants-candy.
And the winner is:
Warren (Planet of the Apes, Driven)
- Helen Hunt (Curse
of the Jade Scorpion)
- Denise Richards
- Shannon Elisabeth
- Gina Gershon (Driven)
- Julia Roberts (America's
Sweethearts, Ocean's 11)
- Jason Biggs (American
Pie 2) (Wow, is there anything worse than ranking for shittiest
actor in the opposite sex category)
Filthy's Pick: Estella
Warren . Don't hate her because she's beautiful. Hate her
because she's as dumb as a box of busted bricks. Oh, Christ, she's
so bad it hurts to watch her up there trying to remember her lines.
She gives off nothing more than the odor of an idiot trying too
hard. But maybe she's better off acting than moving to Wyoming
where she would surely get caught in the headlights and hit by
This was a year with
a lot of good performances, in a few movies. The ladies were tag-teaming
in the only flicks giving them decent characters. The guys were
mostly acting macho, but there were some gems. Here's what you
- "How Buscemi
ever made it into movies with his face is a mystery, but he
always seems to give his all. Maybe getting the shit kicked
out of you your whole childhood builds character, or at least
- "Steve Buscemi
is fucking great. Even in small roles in shitty movies he usually
- "It was very
difficult to pick between Gene Hackman and Steve Buscemi, but
Hackman put it away when he thanked Danny Glover for calling
him a Son of a Bitch instead of an Asshole."
- "Sir Ian McKellen
-- his "death" scene, where he warded off the giant
monster on the bridge, was the most powerful performance in
years. It was so fantastic that I rate that death scene even
higher than Kirk's death scene in Star Trek: Generations.
Holy shit, is this serious? Yeah, I think they're still using
that Kirk death scene at Juliard. They dumped Olivier's Hamlet
because Shatner is just so much fucking better.
Ian McKellen got the
most write-in votes, but it was a pain in the ass for me to sort
out all the interesting spellings you guys unintentionally devised
for his name. And, you were not required to call him "Sir"
on the ballot form. He wasn't going to read them, you know, and
I couldn't care less if he's the Pope of England. The winner is:
Buscemi (Ghost World)
- Benicio Del Toro
- Gene Hackman (Royal
- Willem Dafoe (Shadow
of the Vampire)
- Billy Bob Thornton
(The Man Who Wasn't There, Monster's Ball)
- Mark Ruffalo (You
Can Count on Me)
- Monty Montgomery
Filthy's Pick: Steve
Buscemi gets the nod from me. The guy is the perfect sad sack,
and selfless enough to make movies that aren't about him being
an actor. He seems to know that people come to see the story.
Billy Bob would be my second choice. He's some shitty movies,
but the guy can act. How does a guy stand out so much by trying
to fade away, like The Man Who Wasn't There?
A lot of the Filthy
Readers hate women, and all I can say to them is: fuck you. You're
going to have to fuck yourself because if you're this afraid of
women , they sure as hell have no incentive to have sex with you,
or to hang out with you, or sleep in your bed or grow old with
you. Like my readers, a lot of Hollywood's executives are scared
shitless by women who are more than cardboard cutouts. Thank God
for people like David Lynch and Terry Zwigoff, who aren't afraid
of showing us that ladies are hotter when they have problems,
too. Here are your thoughts on the Best Acting Ladies:
- "Audrey Tautou
is a cutey."
- "If I ever
meet anyone I wanna make babies with as much as I do with Thora
Birch, my brain's gonna fall out of my ass." Than maybe
you shouldn't store it there.
- "I developed
a crush on Thora Birch after Ghost World, mainly because
she played her character so well, but Laura Linney is just too
damn pretty for an older woman and made me want to save her."
- "I voted for
Naomi Watts for Best Actress because I want to encourage all
those young starlets to do more lesbian scenes. That's what
Hollywood needs." Amen.
- "Naomi Watts
shined as the fresh-faced ingenue through the first half of
Mulholland Drive, and dragged us all down with her for
the desperate masturbation scene in the second half. She was
brilliant and is totally underused in Hollywood."
Audrey Tatou got the
most write-in votes, although most of you called her "That
French chick from that movie." The winner is:
Birch (Ghost World)
- Naomi Watts (Mulholland
- Laura Linney (You
Can Count on Me)
- Scarlett Johansson
- Audrey Tatou (Amelíe)
- Nicole Kidman (Moulin
Rouge, The Others)
Filthy's Pick: Naomi
Watts. Watts blows your God damn mind in Mulholland Drive,
not in any particular scene (although the audition is pretty damn
great) but for the range, from fuckable sweetheart in a tight
sweater to fuckable slut in a crappy apartment. And lets not forget
the lesbian sex. Oh man, if someone gives me that DVD, I'm going
to stuff it down my pants. Audrey Tatou was hot in that scene
where she puts on the Zorro mask and hat. Don't know what it was
about that scene, but I liked it.
Where do you begin
to select the worst influence in Hollywood? It's a hard job because
maybe all these shitty ideas are coming from one well-connected
barrista at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Or maybe it's all that
smog and all these celebrities are asphyxiating. Here were your
thoughts on the worst influences in cinema:
- "THANK GOD
there is someone out there who hates Adam sandler and moulin
rouge as much as I do!" Except that I didn't hate Moulin
Rouge. I just didn't like it.
- "Jerry Bruckheimer:
Let me guess...you've got a little dick, you're bald, and you
didn't even get to touch a girl's tits until you were 28. "
- "My fears came
true. I feared Spielberg would take Kubrick's very promising
project and flush it down the toilet - and the fucker did".
- "I still think
you misunderstand Adam Sandler. At least his movies don't pretend
to be something they aren't. They are not supposed to have a
plot, and not much serious character development. They are supposed
to be fucked-up movies you'd write with your friends at 3 am
in the morning while high and after watching Blazing Saddles.
And there's a demographic for that." Wow, you make a
very convincing argument for why his movies suck ass. I understand
all that completely. What you don't understand is that I hate
movies that are about nothing, have no character development
and sound like they were written by stoned assholes in a hurry
and stealing old jokes. And my reviews are about what I like
and dislike, not yours. You go ahead and love his shit all you
want but I ain't getting in that bed.
- "Ben Affleck
is the antichrist of film."
- "That little
ass tick, Steven Spielberg really needs to hang it up. The pretentious
little fuck still feels that he is a beloved and innovative
moviemaker, when all he is is a self involved, pretentious little
George Lucas got a
lot of write-in votes, mostly people are all worked up about N'Sync
being in the next Star Wars. Listen, fanboys, breath in
and out slowly and this might not kill you. The final tally:
Bruckheimer running away with it (Pearl Harbor)
- Ben Asslick (Pearl
- Jim Carrey (The
- Adam Sandler (No
new releases, just lingering resentment)
- Steven Spielberg
- Martin Lawrence
Filthy's Pick: Jerry
Bruckheimer. I don't know a single person that looks forward
to a "Jerry Bruckheimer movie." Yet, he keeps making
them and they keep drawing huge crowds until word of mouth kills
them deader than Chris Farley. He's a marketer, not a moviemaker,
and we need more people who actually give a shit about quality,
It's the eternal struggle
of good versus evil for the hearts of the young. Bruckheimer wins
and our film schools will fill with little cocksuckers out to
make a fast buck. The following people win, and movies return
to the hands of people who want to tell their stories. We can
only pray that the good side wins, but the best influences will
keep plugging away regardless. Here are the comments on the best
influences in movies:
- "Filthy, stop
sucking David Lynch's dry and crusted noodled cock. Do you have
a copy of Eraserhead you can lend me?" Nope,
because I don't like it. By the way, how come you know so much
about Lynch's Dick?
- "Making me
choose between Wes Anderson and the Coen brothers wasn't fair;
between the three of them, I've seen most of the finest films
in my life."
- "David Lynch.
He doesn't care if you get it. He doesn't even care if it's
possible to get it. He is the exact opposite of focus group
- "Give the Coens
a break. Oh Brother where art though wasn't that bad!"
To me it was. It was damn near unbearable, but I sure as
hell like every other film they made (except the equally indulgent
- "I'll go for
Wes Anderson for trying to make innovative film. At least I
can distinguish his movies in the first ten seconds of a trailer
from the normal anonymous shit Hollywood doles out."
Peter Jackson got a
lot of votes, even one from someone voting for "Peter Fucking
Jackson" which probably took a long time to type with one
hand wrapped around a Frodo action figure. The final tally:
Coen Brothers (The Man Who Wasn't There)
- David Lynch (Mulholland
- Wes Anderson (The
- Christopher Nolan
- Peter "Fucking"
Jackson (The Lord of the Rings)
- Richard Linklater
(Waking Life, Tape)
Filthy's Pick: Wes
Anderson. Here's how I figure it: Anderson inspires other
writers and filmmakers to pursue their own ideas. Put your trust
in your story and stop asking, "will this sell?" His
movies are full of the ideas he loves, and it's pretty fucking
great to get such a personal vision. Even a misfire like Royal
Tenenbaums is still a good movie. I'm not so sure filmmakers
should be inspired by Lynch. His movies are always personal and
original, but they're also a crapshoot. It may come from some
corner of his brain that's fascinating (Mulholland Drive),
or somewhere too fucked up to watch (Lost Highway). Besides,
people like him seem to spring from the earth, fully-formed. Nobody
should try to culture himself into a Lynchian figure because he'll
just end up a God damn phony.
Once again some of
you greedy bastards tried voting for more than one person to screw.
Some wanted bisexual three-ways and some just wanted a couple
of the same sex. Look, I'm not telling you what to do in your
head, but on my page you have to choose just one man's cock or
one lady's pussy. Here's what you guys and gals are saying about
the naked men:
- "Brad Pitt
is just one suave motherfucker."
- "Benicio Del
Toro has, what my mother used to call, bedroom eyes. That and
the rest of him can grace my movie screen anytime."
- "I was going
to put Russell Crowe as the most fuckable, but I know for a
fact that the man has a micropenis. I'd bet Benecio is pretty
teeny too, if I'm any guess of cocksmanship. Maybe I shoulda
voted for Guzman."
In general, the ladies
and gay men are much more demure in explaining who they want to
fuck. The most fuckable guys are:
- Russell Crowe (A
- Benicio Del Toro
- George Clooney (Ocean's
- Taye Diggs (The
- Luis Guzman (Traffic)
Filthy's Pick: Luis
Guzman . I think he'd feel as awkward and uncomfortable having
sex with a man as I would. Although, if I were a girl, I would
probably like skinny, effeminate guys like Brad Pitt. If I wanted
to fuck George Clooney, I could get the same effect by sacking
the top salesman at any Circuit City.
Well, the gentlemen
didn't have much to say about fucking. But I don't have any gentleman
readers and the dirty fuckers had a ton. Seems like if certain
actresses are in a movie, there's not a dry pair of pants in the
house. The winner won by a mile, but here's what the randy lesbians,
latent homosexual men and pervs said:
- "I'm a girl,
but Haring definitely turned me on."
- "Jennifer Connelly
riding a mechanical horse in Career Opportunities. Fucking
genius. Unfortunately, a crap movie surrounded this sublime
moment. In retrospect, though, it was worth enduring because
I will always carry that image of Jennifer Connelly's gorgeous
breasts straining against her white tank top as she gyrates
up and down on that horse." I think I might rent this.
- "If the category
were 'most attractive female' I would have definitely picked
Zhang Ziyi, but since your category was 'best female fuck' I
had to go with Angelina Jolie. Sure, she's hot, but that look
in her eyes says she's nastier and kinkier than Silvia Saint."
- "I think Ms.
Haring would be best in bed, but that's not to say I'd rather
have her over Mss. Cruz and Connelly."
- "Jennifer Connelly
is truly the most beautiful woman in Hollywood today."
- "Zhang Ziyi,
could I use your ass like a hat? She didn't have much to do
in Rush Hour 2, but check out the scene from Crouching
Tiger where the guy has his hand down her pants. Yummy!"
Well, folks, some of
you wrote to me with the desperation of people who thought I was
actually going to grant your wishes. If I could do that you'd
have to get in line behind me. A few people wrote in Liv Tyler,
but they only wanted to screw her while she wore her elf ears
and with Frodo's hairy feet tickling their balls. Anyway, the
most fuckable ladies are:
Ziyi (Rush Hour 2)
- Angelina Jolie (Tomb
- Jennifer Connelly
(A Beautiful Mind)
- Penelope Cruz (Vanilla
Sky, Captain Corelli's Mandolin)
- Laura Elena Haring
- Thora Birch (Ghost
Filthy's Pick: Laura
Elena Haring. She looks like a very nice,slow fuck and those
tits are fantastic. Also, I like the women a little on the voluptuous
side, especially if they look they like they can shake it. Mrs.
Filthy is voluptuous and when she starts shaking you'd swear it
was fall in Maine.
The overrated and underrated
categories seemed to confuse people. Some thought it was that
they were supposed to vote for what I over or underrated, but
who really gives a fuck about me? We're talking about the media
and public in general. This category is about what movie was lavished
with more praise than it deserved. What movie will be looked at
in 20 years with "ehh" rather than "wow"?
Here are the readers' thoughts:
of the Ring was at least good to watch. Peter Jackson makes
great movies and this was the same, but it wasn't brilliant."
Rouge was the biggest fucking waste of my time ever, and
I actually ran from the theater half-way through the movie before
it stained my shoes.
Rouge...eh. Visually schweeeet, but a little too sickeningly
sweet whilst doing so. Hannibal was a barrel full of cabbage
- "I really
hated The Majestic, and I'm even starting to doubt whether
it was worth taking a girl to it to try and get laid (she wanted
to see it, I swear!)."
- "I did see
Planet of the Apes, but I pretty much got what I expected
out of it, loud sound effects, and bad acting. Tim Burton sure
- "I think just
about anyone who read the ("Lord of the Rings" ) books
would love the movie. For those who haven't, I'd say the movie's
okay but certainly not great. It's long, slow, violent, many
characters get poorly developed - and it's got those tired 20-second
shots moving through reams of models and computer animation
which finally end up focusing on a live actor, even if he is
Of course, some of
these movies are people's all-time favorites. Okay, not Pearl
Harbor, but the others are truly beloved to someone. The most
overrated movies are:
of the Apes
- A. I.
- Pearl Harbor
- Moulin Rouge
- Lord of the Rings
- The Majestic
Filthy's Pick: Moulin
Rouge. Man, it seems like everyone involved is getting more
credit than they deserve. I hated the music, I didn't like the
way the movie looked. I thought the plot was ridiculously simple.
And for God's sake, it has John Leguizamo in it, doing another
of his fucking awful ham jobs. And yet people keep piling on the
bandwagon. I just don't get it.
It's a God damn shame
crappy movies get the press and great movies get the boot. Jesus,
we get so few good movies to begin with, and then to have them
overlooked just sucks tail. So, here was your chance to tip the
scales and point out a movie that was criminally neglected. These
ain't necessarily the greatest, just the ones that didn't get
what they deserved. It seemed like everyone had one movie on their
minds, and who can blame them:
- "This was a
year that included such masterpieces as Tomcats, Glitter,
Joe Dirt, and too many Freddy Prinze Jr. movies. Hell,
this year even saw the revival of the western, with the excellent
American Outlaws. This movie could have only been better
if Freddy Prinze Jr. played Jesse James, and Freddy's butt buddy
Matthew Lillard played his annoying side kick, complete with
goggles to see dead Indians."
can't wait to see Glitter, I heard Mariah likes dolphins."
- "Best Movie:
Glitter filled me with a new hope for living, I stopped
mainlining drugs, beating my wife, and selling myself for money
after seeing this movie..."
- "My selection
of Glitter is not a reflection of its quality as a movie,
but the fact that it is the one movie I would love everyone
else to see."
Of course, the above
comments will be as lost on some readers as my original review.
So, as painful as it is to do, I am forced to point out that these
comments and my original review of Glitter are sarcastic.
Not even subtly so, and yet many of you were completely oblivious.
But, having sarcasm pointed out to you just makes you feel stupid,
not amused, I guess. And that's how many of you should feel. Other
than Mariah's superb vehicle, the other underrated flicks are:
- Ghost World
- The Man Who Wasn't
- Moulin Rouge
- Waking Life
- Joy Ride
- Waking Life
Filthy's Pick: The
Man Who Wasn't There. It wasn't my favorite movie, but it
sure was neglected. It's a damn fine film, especially for a noir
lover and it was nice to see Of course, I agree that Glitter
should be part of any elementary school curriculum. I think Memento
was far from underrated. Christ, that movie got a shitload of
press and buzz. It has nothing to do with whether you think it
was good or not, is there anyone who actually thought people weren't
appreciating it and talking about it enough? My second choice
would be Joy Ride, the victim of not enough viewers or
buzz. It's easily the best B-movie of the last year, but it came
on the heels of the unbelievably shitty and similar Jeepers
This year was bad,
like 12 months of the runs. Not as gut-wrenchingly awful as 2000,
though. The valleys weren't as low, the peaks weren't as high
either. Still, Hollywood magically kept making more. There was
more than enough for Jesus to give a little out with all the fish
and loaves and still have some left over:
- "I really fucking
hated Pearl Harbor. I would have walked out but I was
trapped because I rode to the theater with a friend who didn't
want to walk out. Fucking asshole. We don't really hang out
- "Black Knight-
Planet of the Apes was bad, but not this bad."
- "I'd rather
lick the semen off of the towel that my dog humps every night
than watch Planet of the Apes again."
- "I have seen
about 30 minutes of the Animal, so I count that painful
enough to vote for!"
- "I didn't actually
see Black Knight but the very fact that it was produced
and given national release makes me weep with shame and disgust
for our country."
- "I'd rather
gnaw off a leg than watch Pearl Harbor again."
Creepers was sort of like a maggot feasting on your rotting
flesh right before your eyes then snuggling its way to your
There was one person
who declared Black Knight "a lot of fun" but
then digressed into a string of gibberish about radio receivers
in his teeth. Otherwise, there were 17 movies vying for the title
of crappiest, and I bet we could have named another dozen easily.
Conveniently, almost everyone forgot Freddy Got Fingered.
I imagine we're all just suppressing the memory and the movie
will make a lot of therapists really fucking rich in ten years.
This year's worst of the worst were:
- Planet of the Apes
- Black Knight
- Josie and the Pussycat
(by the way, the 113 people who voted for it are everyone who
actually saw it in theaters)
- Jeepers Creepers
- The Majessuck
Filthy's Pick: Black
Knight. Jeepers Creepers is a pretty distant second,
but both of them were like nails driven through your shins. Martin
Lawrence's opus ends up on top for the sheer indifference, cheapness,
humorlessness, pointlessness, meanness, racism, violence, hamminess,
sloppiness and ineptitude of the entire production. You could
not write, cast or film a worse movie if you tried. With Jeepers
Creepers you could. It would be Black Knight.
Thank God for the good
movies. One good flick will nourish me through a dozen stinkers.
And this year, that was about the ratio for me. I missed a lot
of good movies, too, because I live in a white-trash suburb and
most of the good movies only play at the fancy-ass Mayan downtown.
I'm 6'6" and my knees are seriously fucked by that theater.
It was once a beauty, but the greedy fucks at Landmark Cinema
chopped the balcony into the two most uncomfortable, tiny theaters
ever made. Some people rave about the Mayan, but the pretentious
goatfuckers (goateed guys) in their work boots and the underpadded
seats make it miserable and stuffy. I'd rather see good movies
at the AMC, if they'd ever book them. Ah, but that's a rant for
another time. Let's get back to movies that make the discomfort
worthwhile. The readers said:
Drive It was good, but not as good as everyone seems to
say it is rather than admit they didn't get it. News flash:
There's nothing to get! Still, the cowboy may be the greatest
movie character ever, and those two broads were so hot together."
and You Can Count on Me are pretty damn good films."
- "I REALLY LOVED
Memento. And I liked Guy Pearce in LA Confidential.
But, wasn't he too over-the-top COOL? This guy can talk normally
on the phone while giving himself tattoos, and calmly asks "What
the fuck?" when a gun is pointed at him! He's an insurance
investigator, people! (This did not stop me from choosing it
as my best movie, however)."
- "I must say
the most fun and excitement I had was Fellowship of the Ring,
but I can't say that it was groundbreaking film, deserving of
Best Picture, although, geeks like me do appreciate the superb
detail and precise characterizations in Fellowship. "
could just as easily have been sloshed away in the most overrated
category, but it was a movie that I walked out of feeling like
the world was a better place for it. 'Course I also felt that
way about Anal Intruder II. It's a great world, they
- "I really loved
Fellowship of the Rings. And I disagree with Filthy where
you said that this movie has clear cut good and evil as black
and white. The movie portrays that there is a pure black. a
pure evil. but then everything else is shades of gray that work
back from that. Nothing is pure white in this one. Each character
is truly flawed. Even the ones who had been promoted as being
purely good face their own flaws in the presence of the ring."
Drive was a surprise to me. I expected the movie to be done
well, but it was a masterpiece regardless of its few flaws."
Many people who loved
Lord of the Rings made an extra effort to tell me they
weren't fanboys or fangirls. No, not yet, but this movie is a
gateway drug. Within a couple years you'll be reenacting scenes
with pewter figurines, drinking Mountain Dew and joining your
friends' when they quote dialog from Monty Python and the Holy
Grail. This movie is to fantasy what the Watchtower is to
Jehovah's Witnesses. Please be very careful. And, a lot of Rings
fans berated me for only liking it, not loving it. Fuck, your
obsessiveness is what gives the fantasy genre a bad name. It's
okay to love it, but it's also okay not to. Give people a little
breathing room. Fucking fanboy freaks. I'm not talking about the
majority of you who are not geeks and still loved it. The best
pictures of 2001 are:
of the Rings
- Mulholland Drive
- Ghost World
- The Royal Tenenbaums
- Harry Potter and
the Sorceror's Stone
Filthy's Pick: Glitter.
Well, duh, what else even comes close? I suppose if I had to choose
another, it would be Mulholland Drive. Maybe I'm so fucking
stupid I thought I got something where there is nothing. Really,
though, I think the assholes that say there is nothing to get
got nothing and rather than recognize that it is possible for
others to enjoy it, they insist we're all wrong, stupid and faking
it. Yeah, we're all so fucking stupid we're only pretending to
get it. All of us. Every single one of us. Mulholland Drive
is the only movie I went back to see three times in theaters and
I want to see it again. It's a seamless, boozy dream, part Sunset
Boulevard, part porn, and part the reality of Hollywood. Glitter,
on the other hand, is all porn all the time.
If I have this category
again, I am going to make people vote for movies that are at least
five years old. That's so as many four-year olds won't vote. Folks,
please see some older movies, or at least wait at least a week
before declaring something you just saw as your all-time favorite,
because it's sure to be replaced by the next Police Academy
that comes out. Let something stand the test of a little time
before declaring it your favorite. If it really is, it can wait
a few years. Hell, go see some Alfred Hitchcock, John Huston and
John Ford movies. They are all sorely underrepresented here. A
few people wrote "This is a stupid question." Bullshit.
So, is everyone who has a favorite stupid? Are they not allowed
to have a favorite? Many others said they didn't have a single
favorite and that's a completely acceptable answer. But fuck the
people who say none of us can have one. Here is an alphabetic
list of the most frequently mentioned favorites:
- American Beauty
- Apocalypse Now
- Army of Darkness
- The Big Lebowski
- Big Trouble in Little
- Blade Runner
- Blue Velvet
- Bottle Rocket
- Citizen Kane
- A Clockwork Orange
- Crouching Tiger,
- Dr. Strangelove
- The Empire Strikes
- Fellowship of the
- Fight Club
- Godfather II
- Godfather III: Basic
Training (just kidding)
- The Matrix
- Miller's Crossing
- The Princess Bride
- Pulp Fiction
- Raiders of the Lost
- Requiem for a Dream
- The Seventh Samurai
- Shawshank Redemption
- Star Wars
- Taxi Driver
- The Usual Suspects
Filthy's Picks: Well,
right now, it's Treasure of the Sierra Madre, but others
include North by Northwest, Wings of Desire, Raiders
of the Lost Ark, Blue Velvet, The Maltese Falcon,
The Sweet Smell of Success, Babe: Pig in the City,
Rushmore and Midnight Cowboy. Please, kids, do yourself
a favor and rent some Alfred Hitchcock movies.
Next week, I will put
up all the comments that weren't about me or my hygiene. I'll
also post the list of foulmouth ideas minus the racist, homophobic
and misogynistic ones. I want to thank everyone who participated
and say a big fuck you to the losers who had the chance to vote
but didn't. Also, a big thank you to--excuse me a moment. Get
your fucking hand out of the pickle jar, Mrs. Streisand!
to tell Filthy Something?
from the Quote Whore Hall of Fame, and Wireless Magazine, says:
Were Soldiers is "A modern day classic. Truly magnificent
and absolutely unforgettable. Mel Gibson's most stunning and mesmerizing
performance to date."
makers of Bridget Jones's Diary and notting Hill have
done it again!" Forty Days and Forty Nights is "a
sexy, fresh and wildly hip comedy!"
by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All fucking rights Reserved