It's time for the fourth annual Filthies, Arvada's biggest event; bigger than the Harvest Day Parade and even bigger than the "Punks Bust Up Everyone's Windshields" night we have once a year. This year, I turned down an offer to move the festivities to the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles for security reasons. People are much safer at the Arvada Tavern. If any terrorists tried to go monkey on folks' asses, the Harelip would beat the holy hell out of them. Besides, that Chandler lady always bugged the shit out of me. I sent out hundreds of handwritten invitations to Hollywood's elite. Worm is really fucking good at writing pretty, like calligraphy stuff, so he addressed the envelopes, and we put their names on the return address so we didn't have to use postage. I only told the people we really hated that it cost $1000 to attend. Shit, we thought we'd get rich, but the only people who showed up were Barbra Streisand and Mr. Barbra Streisand. We didn't even invite them. Not after they wolfed down all the Vienna Sausage last time. Well, the joke was on Babs, because I didn't buy any weiners this year. All I had was some ribbon candy left over from when I worked at the Dollar Store. This year, there were more than 2200 votes and about 400 pages of comments, which still means more than 90% of you fuckers were too lazy to fill out a simple form. Still, it's a hell of a lot better than last year.

Because the celebrities couldn't make it, I will mail the plaque and $5 Wendy's gift certificate to any winner who e-mails me to claim his or her prize. Don't be a fucking jerk and pretend to be someone you're not just to score a few free Quarter-pound Double Stacks, though. There will be a verification process.

But enough of me yammering. Let's get right to the big winners.

This year's hottest competition was for the tile of worst actor. It was a crowded field full of shit performances in shit films. One reader equated picking a winner to "picking a winner in a smelliest fart contest." Really, this category was like a philosophy test: there were no wrong answers, just different. Here's what you guys said about the choices:

  • "Watching (Lawrence) act like a moron in Black Knight made me want to ask for my ticket money back, even though I was seeing the movie on a free pass."
  • "Martin won because he was in that fucking lame-ass TV show." And that reminds me of a question: did anyone ever actually enjoy "Martin?"
  • "I can't for the life of me figure out why or how actors (as they like to call themselves) like Rob Schneider, Martin Lawrence, and Freddie Prinze, Jr. are allowed to make craptacular movies that nobody asked to be made in the first place. When I see ads for crappy movies by any of these idiots, my belief that Hollywood is run by monkeys and retards is reaffirmed."
  • Chris Tucker is simply the worst actor acting. Freddie Prinze Jr. should contract HIV and then fuck Chris Klein in the ass to give it to him, thereby ridding the world of the two shittiest actors in all of filmland." Ah, but at least Klein will always have Election going for him.
  • "Freddy Prinze jr. is the fucking worst. Even Martin Lawrence can actually act, but Prinze jr. just flat out sucks. The scene that bugs the shit out of me is from one of his movies where he's supposed to be punching someone. He punches toward the camera and his wrist is all limp....he'd have broken it off at the forearm if he actually landed it. What a fucking knob."
  • "Matthew Lillard has got to be fucking some producer in order to get that many jobs with such little talent." Or perhaps, in exchange for stardom, he is not fucking them.

It should also be noted that Ben Affleck (Ass-lick or Assfuck are also acceptable spellings) and Jim Carrey got a shitload of write-in votes. I guess America's love affair with the non-acting party-time frat boy are over. I hope so.

And the winner is:

  1. Martin Lawrence (Black Knight)
  2. Freddie Prinze, Jr. (Head Over Heels, Summer Catch)
  3. Chris Tucker (Rush Hour 2)
  4. Sylvester Stallone (Driven)
  5. Jerry O'Connell (Tomcats)
  6. Matthew Lillard (13 Ghosts, Summer Catch)
  7. Ben Affleck (Pearl Harbor, Bounce)

Filthy's Pick: Martin Lawrence. Really, people should see Black Knight just to see how little love can be put into a movie. Remember how harmless Lawrence seemed in House Party all those years ago? Well, he was like a baby alligator given as a gift when it was still tiny and cute. Now he's getting bigger, more problematic and someone better flush him down the toilet before he kills.

Less hotly contested than shittiest actor was shittiest actress. Maybe this is because my predominantly male readership is scared to death of girls and their vaginas. This seems quite likely based on the number who liked Lord of the Rings, but the low number of responses is also because Hollywood rarely even gives women a chance to act. Usually they are some sort of eye candy off to the side. I'm not complaining about the eye candy, but I like it up front, center, topless and with issues. Here's what the folks who voted said:

  • "Gina Gershon is just fucking crappy enough to poison and pollute even the best movies. Seriously, if she's not filling the role of "SKANKY WHORE" she doesn't belong in films. Fuck her and the casting director she rode in on!"
  • "Estella Warren: I have to wonder if she's even a real person."
  • "Estella Warren: she can't act, but she sure looks good in Planet of The Apes. Too bad humans hadn't forgotten how to make clothes.
  • "The fact that (Warren) was in *both* Driven and Planet of the Apes makes her an unmitigated piece of shit."
  • "Shannon Elizabeth should focus on porn. Even if she was 600 pounds, her total lack of acting skills immediately identify her as a budding gruntstar."
  • "I would rather pay $8.50 to watch a cat piss for 2 hours, then watch ANY Julia Roberts movie."
  • "Helen Hunt - She's just a face on the screen. I don't think she should really qualify as an actress at all, all she does is mechanically regurgitate lines. She's not attractive and her voice is annoying. I have no idea what the hell she has going for her."

Julia Roberts was the number one write-in candidate. Can't say I agree. Yeah, she's slipping faster than a monkey in the rain, but my guess is that those write-in votes were from women who want to debone me like a 49-cent fryer and are jealous of how much Roberts wants my pants-candy.

And the winner is:

  1. Estella Warren (Planet of the Apes, Driven)
  2. Helen Hunt (Curse of the Jade Scorpion)
  3. Denise Richards (Valentine)
  4. Shannon Elisabeth (Tomcats)
  5. Gina Gershon (Driven)
  6. Julia Roberts (America's Sweethearts, Ocean's 11)
  7. Jason Biggs (American Pie 2) (Wow, is there anything worse than ranking for shittiest actor in the opposite sex category)

Filthy's Pick: Estella Warren . Don't hate her because she's beautiful. Hate her because she's as dumb as a box of busted bricks. Oh, Christ, she's so bad it hurts to watch her up there trying to remember her lines. She gives off nothing more than the odor of an idiot trying too hard. But maybe she's better off acting than moving to Wyoming where she would surely get caught in the headlights and hit by a truck.

This was a year with a lot of good performances, in a few movies. The ladies were tag-teaming in the only flicks giving them decent characters. The guys were mostly acting macho, but there were some gems. Here's what you guys thought:

  • "How Buscemi ever made it into movies with his face is a mystery, but he always seems to give his all. Maybe getting the shit kicked out of you your whole childhood builds character, or at least play them."
  • "Steve Buscemi is fucking great. Even in small roles in shitty movies he usually stands out."
  • "It was very difficult to pick between Gene Hackman and Steve Buscemi, but Hackman put it away when he thanked Danny Glover for calling him a Son of a Bitch instead of an Asshole."
  • "Sir Ian McKellen -- his "death" scene, where he warded off the giant monster on the bridge, was the most powerful performance in years. It was so fantastic that I rate that death scene even higher than Kirk's death scene in Star Trek: Generations. Holy shit, is this serious? Yeah, I think they're still using that Kirk death scene at Juliard. They dumped Olivier's Hamlet because Shatner is just so much fucking better.

Ian McKellen got the most write-in votes, but it was a pain in the ass for me to sort out all the interesting spellings you guys unintentionally devised for his name. And, you were not required to call him "Sir" on the ballot form. He wasn't going to read them, you know, and I couldn't care less if he's the Pope of England. The winner is:

  1. Steve Buscemi (Ghost World)
  2. Benicio Del Toro (Traffic)
  3. Gene Hackman (Royal Tenenbaums)
  4. Willem Dafoe (Shadow of the Vampire)
  5. Billy Bob Thornton (The Man Who Wasn't There, Monster's Ball)
  6. Mark Ruffalo (You Can Count on Me)
  7. Monty Montgomery (Mulholland Drive)

Filthy's Pick: Steve Buscemi gets the nod from me. The guy is the perfect sad sack, and selfless enough to make movies that aren't about him being an actor. He seems to know that people come to see the story. Billy Bob would be my second choice. He's some shitty movies, but the guy can act. How does a guy stand out so much by trying to fade away, like The Man Who Wasn't There?

A lot of the Filthy Readers hate women, and all I can say to them is: fuck you. You're going to have to fuck yourself because if you're this afraid of women , they sure as hell have no incentive to have sex with you, or to hang out with you, or sleep in your bed or grow old with you. Like my readers, a lot of Hollywood's executives are scared shitless by women who are more than cardboard cutouts. Thank God for people like David Lynch and Terry Zwigoff, who aren't afraid of showing us that ladies are hotter when they have problems, too. Here are your thoughts on the Best Acting Ladies:

  • "Audrey Tautou is a cutey."
  • "If I ever meet anyone I wanna make babies with as much as I do with Thora Birch, my brain's gonna fall out of my ass." Than maybe you shouldn't store it there.
  • "I developed a crush on Thora Birch after Ghost World, mainly because she played her character so well, but Laura Linney is just too damn pretty for an older woman and made me want to save her."
  • "I voted for Naomi Watts for Best Actress because I want to encourage all those young starlets to do more lesbian scenes. That's what Hollywood needs." Amen.
  • "Naomi Watts shined as the fresh-faced ingenue through the first half of Mulholland Drive, and dragged us all down with her for the desperate masturbation scene in the second half. She was brilliant and is totally underused in Hollywood."

Audrey Tatou got the most write-in votes, although most of you called her "That French chick from that movie." The winner is:

  1. Thora Birch (Ghost World)
  2. Naomi Watts (Mulholland Drive)
  3. Laura Linney (You Can Count on Me)
  4. Scarlett Johansson (Ghost World)
  5. Audrey Tatou (Amelíe)
  6. Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge, The Others)

Filthy's Pick: Naomi Watts. Watts blows your God damn mind in Mulholland Drive, not in any particular scene (although the audition is pretty damn great) but for the range, from fuckable sweetheart in a tight sweater to fuckable slut in a crappy apartment. And lets not forget the lesbian sex. Oh man, if someone gives me that DVD, I'm going to stuff it down my pants. Audrey Tatou was hot in that scene where she puts on the Zorro mask and hat. Don't know what it was about that scene, but I liked it.

Where do you begin to select the worst influence in Hollywood? It's a hard job because maybe all these shitty ideas are coming from one well-connected barrista at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Or maybe it's all that smog and all these celebrities are asphyxiating. Here were your thoughts on the worst influences in cinema:

  • "THANK GOD there is someone out there who hates Adam sandler and moulin rouge as much as I do!" Except that I didn't hate Moulin Rouge. I just didn't like it.
  • "Jerry Bruckheimer: Let me guess...you've got a little dick, you're bald, and you didn't even get to touch a girl's tits until you were 28. "
  • "My fears came true. I feared Spielberg would take Kubrick's very promising project and flush it down the toilet - and the fucker did".
  • "I still think you misunderstand Adam Sandler. At least his movies don't pretend to be something they aren't. They are not supposed to have a plot, and not much serious character development. They are supposed to be fucked-up movies you'd write with your friends at 3 am in the morning while high and after watching Blazing Saddles. And there's a demographic for that." Wow, you make a very convincing argument for why his movies suck ass. I understand all that completely. What you don't understand is that I hate movies that are about nothing, have no character development and sound like they were written by stoned assholes in a hurry and stealing old jokes. And my reviews are about what I like and dislike, not yours. You go ahead and love his shit all you want but I ain't getting in that bed.
  • "Ben Affleck is the antichrist of film."
  • "That little ass tick, Steven Spielberg really needs to hang it up. The pretentious little fuck still feels that he is a beloved and innovative moviemaker, when all he is is a self involved, pretentious little fuck."

George Lucas got a lot of write-in votes, mostly people are all worked up about N'Sync being in the next Star Wars. Listen, fanboys, breath in and out slowly and this might not kill you. The final tally:

  1. Jerry Bruckheimer running away with it (Pearl Harbor)
  2. Ben Asslick (Pearl Harbor)
  3. Jim Carrey (The Majesuck)
  4. Adam Sandler (No new releases, just lingering resentment)
  5. Steven Spielberg (A.I.)
  6. Martin Lawrence (Black Knight)

Filthy's Pick: Jerry Bruckheimer. I don't know a single person that looks forward to a "Jerry Bruckheimer movie." Yet, he keeps making them and they keep drawing huge crowds until word of mouth kills them deader than Chris Farley. He's a marketer, not a moviemaker, and we need more people who actually give a shit about quality, not quantity.

It's the eternal struggle of good versus evil for the hearts of the young. Bruckheimer wins and our film schools will fill with little cocksuckers out to make a fast buck. The following people win, and movies return to the hands of people who want to tell their stories. We can only pray that the good side wins, but the best influences will keep plugging away regardless. Here are the comments on the best influences in movies:

  • "Filthy, stop sucking David Lynch's dry and crusted noodled cock. Do you have a copy of Eraserhead you can lend me?" Nope, because I don't like it. By the way, how come you know so much about Lynch's Dick?
  • "Making me choose between Wes Anderson and the Coen brothers wasn't fair; between the three of them, I've seen most of the finest films in my life."
  • "David Lynch. He doesn't care if you get it. He doesn't even care if it's possible to get it. He is the exact opposite of focus group obsessed Hollywood."
  • "Give the Coens a break. Oh Brother where art though wasn't that bad!" To me it was. It was damn near unbearable, but I sure as hell like every other film they made (except the equally indulgent Big Lebowski).
  • "I'll go for Wes Anderson for trying to make innovative film. At least I can distinguish his movies in the first ten seconds of a trailer from the normal anonymous shit Hollywood doles out."

Peter Jackson got a lot of votes, even one from someone voting for "Peter Fucking Jackson" which probably took a long time to type with one hand wrapped around a Frodo action figure. The final tally:

  1. The Coen Brothers (The Man Who Wasn't There)
  2. David Lynch (Mulholland Drive)
  3. Wes Anderson (The Royal Tenenbaums)
  4. Christopher Nolan (Memento)
  5. Peter "Fucking" Jackson (The Lord of the Rings)
  6. Richard Linklater (Waking Life, Tape)

Filthy's Pick: Wes Anderson. Here's how I figure it: Anderson inspires other writers and filmmakers to pursue their own ideas. Put your trust in your story and stop asking, "will this sell?" His movies are full of the ideas he loves, and it's pretty fucking great to get such a personal vision. Even a misfire like Royal Tenenbaums is still a good movie. I'm not so sure filmmakers should be inspired by Lynch. His movies are always personal and original, but they're also a crapshoot. It may come from some corner of his brain that's fascinating (Mulholland Drive), or somewhere too fucked up to watch (Lost Highway). Besides, people like him seem to spring from the earth, fully-formed. Nobody should try to culture himself into a Lynchian figure because he'll just end up a God damn phony.

Once again some of you greedy bastards tried voting for more than one person to screw. Some wanted bisexual three-ways and some just wanted a couple of the same sex. Look, I'm not telling you what to do in your head, but on my page you have to choose just one man's cock or one lady's pussy. Here's what you guys and gals are saying about the naked men:

  • "Brad Pitt is just one suave motherfucker."
  • "Benicio Del Toro has, what my mother used to call, bedroom eyes. That and the rest of him can grace my movie screen anytime."
  • "I was going to put Russell Crowe as the most fuckable, but I know for a fact that the man has a micropenis. I'd bet Benecio is pretty teeny too, if I'm any guess of cocksmanship. Maybe I shoulda voted for Guzman."

In general, the ladies and gay men are much more demure in explaining who they want to fuck. The most fuckable guys are:

  1. Brad Pitt (Snatch)
  2. Russell Crowe (A Beautiful Mind)
  3. Benicio Del Toro (Traffic, Snatch)
  4. George Clooney (Ocean's 11)
  5. Taye Diggs (The Woods)
  6. Luis Guzman (Traffic)

Filthy's Pick: Luis Guzman . I think he'd feel as awkward and uncomfortable having sex with a man as I would. Although, if I were a girl, I would probably like skinny, effeminate guys like Brad Pitt. If I wanted to fuck George Clooney, I could get the same effect by sacking the top salesman at any Circuit City.

Well, the gentlemen didn't have much to say about fucking. But I don't have any gentleman readers and the dirty fuckers had a ton. Seems like if certain actresses are in a movie, there's not a dry pair of pants in the house. The winner won by a mile, but here's what the randy lesbians, latent homosexual men and pervs said:

  • "I'm a girl, but Haring definitely turned me on."
  • "Jennifer Connelly riding a mechanical horse in Career Opportunities. Fucking genius. Unfortunately, a crap movie surrounded this sublime moment. In retrospect, though, it was worth enduring because I will always carry that image of Jennifer Connelly's gorgeous breasts straining against her white tank top as she gyrates up and down on that horse." I think I might rent this.
  • "If the category were 'most attractive female' I would have definitely picked Zhang Ziyi, but since your category was 'best female fuck' I had to go with Angelina Jolie. Sure, she's hot, but that look in her eyes says she's nastier and kinkier than Silvia Saint."
  • "I think Ms. Haring would be best in bed, but that's not to say I'd rather have her over Mss. Cruz and Connelly."
  • "Jennifer Connelly is truly the most beautiful woman in Hollywood today."
  • "Zhang Ziyi, could I use your ass like a hat? She didn't have much to do in Rush Hour 2, but check out the scene from Crouching Tiger where the guy has his hand down her pants. Yummy!"

Well, folks, some of you wrote to me with the desperation of people who thought I was actually going to grant your wishes. If I could do that you'd have to get in line behind me. A few people wrote in Liv Tyler, but they only wanted to screw her while she wore her elf ears and with Frodo's hairy feet tickling their balls. Anyway, the most fuckable ladies are:

  1. Zhang Ziyi (Rush Hour 2)
  2. Angelina Jolie (Tomb Raider)
  3. Jennifer Connelly (A Beautiful Mind)
  4. Penelope Cruz (Vanilla Sky, Captain Corelli's Mandolin)
  5. Laura Elena Haring (Mulholland Drive)
  6. Thora Birch (Ghost World)

Filthy's Pick: Laura Elena Haring. She looks like a very nice,slow fuck and those tits are fantastic. Also, I like the women a little on the voluptuous side, especially if they look they like they can shake it. Mrs. Filthy is voluptuous and when she starts shaking you'd swear it was fall in Maine.

The overrated and underrated categories seemed to confuse people. Some thought it was that they were supposed to vote for what I over or underrated, but who really gives a fuck about me? We're talking about the media and public in general. This category is about what movie was lavished with more praise than it deserved. What movie will be looked at in 20 years with "ehh" rather than "wow"? Here are the readers' thoughts:

  • "Fellowship of the Ring was at least good to watch. Peter Jackson makes great movies and this was the same, but it wasn't brilliant."
  • "Moulin Rouge was the biggest fucking waste of my time ever, and I actually ran from the theater half-way through the movie before it stained my shoes.
  • "Moulin Rouge...eh. Visually schweeeet, but a little too sickeningly sweet whilst doing so. Hannibal was a barrel full of cabbage farts."
  • "I really hated The Majestic, and I'm even starting to doubt whether it was worth taking a girl to it to try and get laid (she wanted to see it, I swear!)."
  • "I did see Planet of the Apes, but I pretty much got what I expected out of it, loud sound effects, and bad acting. Tim Burton sure did disappoint."
  • "I think just about anyone who read the ("Lord of the Rings" ) books would love the movie. For those who haven't, I'd say the movie's okay but certainly not great. It's long, slow, violent, many characters get poorly developed - and it's got those tired 20-second shots moving through reams of models and computer animation which finally end up focusing on a live actor, even if he is Christopher Lee."

Of course, some of these movies are people's all-time favorites. Okay, not Pearl Harbor, but the others are truly beloved to someone. The most overrated movies are:

  1. Planet of the Apes
  2. A. I.
  3. Pearl Harbor
  4. Moulin Rouge
  5. Hannibal
  6. Lord of the Rings
  7. The Majestic

Filthy's Pick: Moulin Rouge. Man, it seems like everyone involved is getting more credit than they deserve. I hated the music, I didn't like the way the movie looked. I thought the plot was ridiculously simple. And for God's sake, it has John Leguizamo in it, doing another of his fucking awful ham jobs. And yet people keep piling on the bandwagon. I just don't get it.

It's a God damn shame crappy movies get the press and great movies get the boot. Jesus, we get so few good movies to begin with, and then to have them overlooked just sucks tail. So, here was your chance to tip the scales and point out a movie that was criminally neglected. These ain't necessarily the greatest, just the ones that didn't get what they deserved. It seemed like everyone had one movie on their minds, and who can blame them:

  • "This was a year that included such masterpieces as Tomcats, Glitter, Joe Dirt, and too many Freddy Prinze Jr. movies. Hell, this year even saw the revival of the western, with the excellent American Outlaws. This movie could have only been better if Freddy Prinze Jr. played Jesse James, and Freddy's butt buddy Matthew Lillard played his annoying side kick, complete with goggles to see dead Indians."
  • "I can't wait to see Glitter, I heard Mariah likes dolphins."
  • "Best Movie: Glitter filled me with a new hope for living, I stopped mainlining drugs, beating my wife, and selling myself for money after seeing this movie..."
  • "My selection of Glitter is not a reflection of its quality as a movie, but the fact that it is the one movie I would love everyone else to see."

Of course, the above comments will be as lost on some readers as my original review. So, as painful as it is to do, I am forced to point out that these comments and my original review of Glitter are sarcastic. Not even subtly so, and yet many of you were completely oblivious. But, having sarcasm pointed out to you just makes you feel stupid, not amused, I guess. And that's how many of you should feel. Other than Mariah's superb vehicle, the other underrated flicks are:

  1. Memento
  2. Ghost World
  3. The Man Who Wasn't There
  4. Moulin Rouge
  5. Waking Life
  6. Joy Ride
  7. Waking Life

Filthy's Pick: The Man Who Wasn't There. It wasn't my favorite movie, but it sure was neglected. It's a damn fine film, especially for a noir lover and it was nice to see Of course, I agree that Glitter should be part of any elementary school curriculum. I think Memento was far from underrated. Christ, that movie got a shitload of press and buzz. It has nothing to do with whether you think it was good or not, is there anyone who actually thought people weren't appreciating it and talking about it enough? My second choice would be Joy Ride, the victim of not enough viewers or buzz. It's easily the best B-movie of the last year, but it came on the heels of the unbelievably shitty and similar Jeepers Creepers.

This year was bad, like 12 months of the runs. Not as gut-wrenchingly awful as 2000, though. The valleys weren't as low, the peaks weren't as high either. Still, Hollywood magically kept making more. There was more than enough for Jesus to give a little out with all the fish and loaves and still have some left over:

  • "I really fucking hated Pearl Harbor. I would have walked out but I was trapped because I rode to the theater with a friend who didn't want to walk out. Fucking asshole. We don't really hang out anymore."
  • "Black Knight- Planet of the Apes was bad, but not this bad."
  • "I'd rather lick the semen off of the towel that my dog humps every night than watch Planet of the Apes again."
  • "I have seen about 30 minutes of the Animal, so I count that painful enough to vote for!"
  • "I didn't actually see Black Knight but the very fact that it was produced and given national release makes me weep with shame and disgust for our country."
  • "I'd rather gnaw off a leg than watch Pearl Harbor again."
  • "Jeepers Creepers was sort of like a maggot feasting on your rotting flesh right before your eyes then snuggling its way to your internal organs."

There was one person who declared Black Knight "a lot of fun" but then digressed into a string of gibberish about radio receivers in his teeth. Otherwise, there were 17 movies vying for the title of crappiest, and I bet we could have named another dozen easily. Conveniently, almost everyone forgot Freddy Got Fingered. I imagine we're all just suppressing the memory and the movie will make a lot of therapists really fucking rich in ten years. This year's worst of the worst were:

  1. Pearl Harbor
  2. Planet of the Apes
  3. Black Knight
  4. Josie and the Pussycat (by the way, the 113 people who voted for it are everyone who actually saw it in theaters)
  5. Tomcats
  6. Jeepers Creepers
  7. The Majessuck

Filthy's Pick: Black Knight. Jeepers Creepers is a pretty distant second, but both of them were like nails driven through your shins. Martin Lawrence's opus ends up on top for the sheer indifference, cheapness, humorlessness, pointlessness, meanness, racism, violence, hamminess, sloppiness and ineptitude of the entire production. You could not write, cast or film a worse movie if you tried. With Jeepers Creepers you could. It would be Black Knight.

Thank God for the good movies. One good flick will nourish me through a dozen stinkers. And this year, that was about the ratio for me. I missed a lot of good movies, too, because I live in a white-trash suburb and most of the good movies only play at the fancy-ass Mayan downtown. I'm 6'6" and my knees are seriously fucked by that theater. It was once a beauty, but the greedy fucks at Landmark Cinema chopped the balcony into the two most uncomfortable, tiny theaters ever made. Some people rave about the Mayan, but the pretentious goatfuckers (goateed guys) in their work boots and the underpadded seats make it miserable and stuffy. I'd rather see good movies at the AMC, if they'd ever book them. Ah, but that's a rant for another time. Let's get back to movies that make the discomfort worthwhile. The readers said:

  • "Mulholland Drive It was good, but not as good as everyone seems to say it is rather than admit they didn't get it. News flash: There's nothing to get! Still, the cowboy may be the greatest movie character ever, and those two broads were so hot together."
  • "Amelie and You Can Count on Me are pretty damn good films."
  • "I REALLY LOVED Memento. And I liked Guy Pearce in LA Confidential. But, wasn't he too over-the-top COOL? This guy can talk normally on the phone while giving himself tattoos, and calmly asks "What the fuck?" when a gun is pointed at him! He's an insurance investigator, people! (This did not stop me from choosing it as my best movie, however)."
  • "I must say the most fun and excitement I had was Fellowship of the Ring, but I can't say that it was groundbreaking film, deserving of Best Picture, although, geeks like me do appreciate the superb detail and precise characterizations in Fellowship. "
  • "Amelie could just as easily have been sloshed away in the most overrated category, but it was a movie that I walked out of feeling like the world was a better place for it. 'Course I also felt that way about Anal Intruder II. It's a great world, they both belong."
  • "I really loved Fellowship of the Rings. And I disagree with Filthy where you said that this movie has clear cut good and evil as black and white. The movie portrays that there is a pure black. a pure evil. but then everything else is shades of gray that work back from that. Nothing is pure white in this one. Each character is truly flawed. Even the ones who had been promoted as being purely good face their own flaws in the presence of the ring."
  • "Mulholland Drive was a surprise to me. I expected the movie to be done well, but it was a masterpiece regardless of its few flaws."

Many people who loved Lord of the Rings made an extra effort to tell me they weren't fanboys or fangirls. No, not yet, but this movie is a gateway drug. Within a couple years you'll be reenacting scenes with pewter figurines, drinking Mountain Dew and joining your friends' when they quote dialog from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This movie is to fantasy what the Watchtower is to Jehovah's Witnesses. Please be very careful. And, a lot of Rings fans berated me for only liking it, not loving it. Fuck, your obsessiveness is what gives the fantasy genre a bad name. It's okay to love it, but it's also okay not to. Give people a little breathing room. Fucking fanboy freaks. I'm not talking about the majority of you who are not geeks and still loved it. The best pictures of 2001 are:

  1. Lord of the Rings
  2. Memento
  3. Mulholland Drive
  4. Amelie
  5. Ghost World
  6. The Royal Tenenbaums
  7. Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone
  8. Glitter

Filthy's Pick: Glitter. Well, duh, what else even comes close? I suppose if I had to choose another, it would be Mulholland Drive. Maybe I'm so fucking stupid I thought I got something where there is nothing. Really, though, I think the assholes that say there is nothing to get got nothing and rather than recognize that it is possible for others to enjoy it, they insist we're all wrong, stupid and faking it. Yeah, we're all so fucking stupid we're only pretending to get it. All of us. Every single one of us. Mulholland Drive is the only movie I went back to see three times in theaters and I want to see it again. It's a seamless, boozy dream, part Sunset Boulevard, part porn, and part the reality of Hollywood. Glitter, on the other hand, is all porn all the time.

If I have this category again, I am going to make people vote for movies that are at least five years old. That's so as many four-year olds won't vote. Folks, please see some older movies, or at least wait at least a week before declaring something you just saw as your all-time favorite, because it's sure to be replaced by the next Police Academy that comes out. Let something stand the test of a little time before declaring it your favorite. If it really is, it can wait a few years. Hell, go see some Alfred Hitchcock, John Huston and John Ford movies. They are all sorely underrepresented here. A few people wrote "This is a stupid question." Bullshit. So, is everyone who has a favorite stupid? Are they not allowed to have a favorite? Many others said they didn't have a single favorite and that's a completely acceptable answer. But fuck the people who say none of us can have one. Here is an alphabetic list of the most frequently mentioned favorites:

  • 2001
  • Amadeus
  • American Beauty
  • Apocalypse Now
  • Army of Darkness
  • The Big Lebowski
  • Big Trouble in Little China
  • Blade Runner
  • Blue Velvet
  • Bottle Rocket
  • Braveheart
  • Brazil
  • Casablanca
  • Citizen Kane
  • A Clockwork Orange
  • Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
  • Dr. Strangelove
  • The Empire Strikes Back
  • Fellowship of the Rings
  • Fight Club
  • Godfather
  • Godfather II
  • Godfather III: Basic Training (just kidding)
  • Magnolia
  • The Matrix
  • Miller's Crossing
  • The Princess Bride
  • Pulp Fiction
  • Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • Requiem for a Dream
  • Rushmore
  • The Seventh Samurai
  • Shawshank Redemption
  • Star Wars
  • Taxi Driver
  • The Usual Suspects

Filthy's Picks: Well, right now, it's Treasure of the Sierra Madre, but others include North by Northwest, Wings of Desire, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Blue Velvet, The Maltese Falcon, The Sweet Smell of Success, Babe: Pig in the City, Rushmore and Midnight Cowboy. Please, kids, do yourself a favor and rent some Alfred Hitchcock movies.

Next week, I will put up all the comments that weren't about me or my hygiene. I'll also post the list of foulmouth ideas minus the racist, homophobic and misogynistic ones. I want to thank everyone who participated and say a big fuck you to the losers who had the chance to vote but didn't. Also, a big thank you to--excuse me a moment. Get your fucking hand out of the pickle jar, Mrs. Streisand!

Want to tell Filthy Something?

Filthy's Reading
Rivethead by Ben Hamper

Filthy's Listening to
Elvis Costello, This Year's Model

Filthy's Watching
Barry Lyndon

Earl Dittman from the Quote Whore Hall of Fame, and Wireless Magazine, says:

We Were Soldiers is "A modern day classic. Truly magnificent and absolutely unforgettable. Mel Gibson's most stunning and mesmerizing performance to date."

"The makers of Bridget Jones's Diary and notting Hill have done it again!" Forty Days and Forty Nights is "a sexy, fresh and wildly hip comedy!"

©2002 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All fucking rights Reserved


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