May 14, 2007

Heather Forney and Adam Steele

Last time, I was a mite over-exuberant, mes amis, I admit it. The flowers, the smiling guests, the delicious cake all made me believe that to be wed was the most blissful state possible. I believe that I even may have written something to the effect that if I were not already married, I would find a reason to have a wedding presently

Well, darlings, it is clear that I am not the only one who feels that way. Perhaps nuptials are contagious, much like smallpox. People get married for all sorts of reasons. In the olden days, weddings were largely a means to consolidate power and property. Nowadays men and women might get hitched because they're lonely and bored, or because their families harass them, or even because they are deeply in love. In these days, when weddings are so invested with status, someone might even get married so that they too might wear the glamorous dress and be surrounded by flowers and music and tasty desserts and limousines for one day. Of course, then one must return to the canned tuna and the Yugo.

Oui, I am still suffering from the disillusionment of last week. To have a wedding that I (moi!) covered end up as it did is disconcerting to say the least. I understand that a wedding column is not necessarily the best place to editorialize, but it wouldn't be honest of me to gush about a non-gush-worthy wedding, either. If the pendulum has swung too far to the other side, I do apologize, my pets. I suppose I am only trying to peel the bridal veil from my eyes before I commit such an embarrassing error again.

Here are the facts about this week's wedding. Heather Forney and Adam Steele recently graduated from Arvada High. Ms. Forney, a tall, boisterous girl, works as an administrative assistant for a local construction firm. She is not directly related to the Forneys of museum fame, although she has seen the "Risky Business" car. Mr. Steele drives a UPS truck, but aims to somehow make his fortune with the short films he and his friends make. These short films are of a humorous nature. "The one with Adam rolled up in the carpet is so hilarious," says Ms. Forney. "I threw up after filming that one," admits Mr. Steele.

So, these young people are not so different from many others. They want a fulfilling life, and if that involves pukeworthy stunts on MySpace, then so be it. Or, if a fulfilling life includes a pull-out-all-the-stops wedding, then that works, too. "Josh and Amber got married, and everyone made, like, such a big deal about it. It was nice and all, but this wedding is really my dream," says Ms. Forney. "The guys at the site always teased me about my bridal magazines, but look at this," and she holds up an elaborate centerpiece of pink rosebuds and framed family photos. "This comes from having a dream. Everyone ought to have a dream."

Mr. Steele added, "I let Heather decide all that sort of stuff. Sometimes, I still can't believe that we're married. We had sorta drifted apart these last few months- me with my movies and Heather with her stuff. Then Josh and Amber got married, and we were right back on track." Mr. Steele's puppyish brown eyes look downcast for a breath; then he says, "I didn't think I'd get married until I was old, but Heather seems to know what she's doing. I couldn't really jump off the train, if you get me."

"I got the table setting idea from Modern Bride and the cake recipe from Martha Stewart. My dress comes from Paloma here in Arvada; I showed her a picture, and she just sewed it up." When asked about her favorite aspect of being married to Mr. Steele, she fiddles a bit with her coiffure, then smiles. "I couldn't really imagine being married to anyone else, really. He just matches with all this," she gestures around the hall.

I waited for something suspicious to happen, a stuffed elk in the washroom, the squeaking old men, but there was nothing. The best man did try to cart the groom off in a trash can, but Heather put a stop to that right quick. So the wedding happened, and now two more people are married. I suppose that's all there is to it.

Except, I just know that there are suspicious happenings in Arvada these days. This wedding was an exception; perhaps it was not worthy of attention. But, in the near future, I predict that I will be able to discern another link in the chain. Olde Town is not as innocent as we like to think, my pets.

This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne