Archives Ratings Mrs. Filthy Gooden Worsted

American Pie

Filthy says:
"It's not so
fucking bad."

Ladies, this week I am talking to the boys only, so please read no further. Thank you.

Guys, now that the ladies have shut off their monitors, I'd like to talk to you a little about the birds and bees. This movie "American Pie" has given me the perfect chance to say I know that you masturbate and it's okay with me. Teen boys, I know you do it about half of your waking hours, and that's fine, too. This movie will help you understand you are not alone. You will also get to see a very pretty girl's boobs. Let it serve as the introduction to sex your father never gave you. It's definitely more entertaining.

If I were still a stupid teenager all hopped on model glue "American Pie" would be the only movie I'd need. It would be my everything, my "Treasure of the Sierra Madre," "Star Wars" and "Sorority Sluts" all rolled into one. I'm well past my teen years, though. So, while I understood and appreciated "American Pie," I had to sit on the sideline feeling sorry for myself while you Goddamn undeserving teenagers had a ball. It's for you, boys. Enjoy.

The teen boys I saw this flick with were creaming the fuck out of their jeans. It's because this is a sacred story passed down through the generations. Now it's time for a new generation to learn it. A little history: The legend in "American Pie" has been around in different variations since the cavemen stopped jacking-off and started telling stories. The Greek poet Homer told this tale as part of the "Iliad," but with Ulysses losing his cherry to a giant wooden goat. And the story was finally perfected in the 1980s in "The Last American Virgin," "Porky's" and "The Sure Thing."

Four high school buddies make a pact to lose their virginity before they graduate. Not with each other, of course, but with the little mousy girls surrounding them. One keeps having his parents finding him masturbating; one tries to infiltrate the lee Club and fuck some of those squeaky chicks but ends up falling in love; one finally screws his commitment-minded sweetheart; and the last guy fucks his best-friend's mom. All along the way, they all talk a hell of a lot about their need to screw chicks.

Guys, if you got a girl, take her to this movie because you're sure to get some poon-tang afterward. It's not the typical date movie where the girl will bawl her fucking eyes out because Mel Gibson or Brad Pitt dies, and then you comfort her and she lets you stick it in. Hell, those movies aren't so hot anyway because the girls want you to be romantic later and that can be a royal pain in the ass. Instead, this movie makes teenaged boys look like a dorks and your girl will either give you a sympathy fuck, or she'll think that you're a sweet dorky guy and she'll ride you into the sunset.

See, the guys in "American Pie" are losers and they seem human. They are likable and a girl you take to it may confuse you with them. They will think, "It's normal for him to want to screw me all the time. It's his hormones. I should let him because really he loves me, he just can't say it."

It's a funny movie. Hell, I haven't seen such a brutally honest portrayal of teenaged masturbation since I looked in the mirror a dozen years ago. They show a kid shellac his Pinto into a sock, and they have a kid whack-a-mole into a pie. I guess "Portnoy's Complaint" already covered beating a piece of liver, so the pie was the only direction to go.

The guys and girls aren't exactly believable teenagers because they speak in complete sentences instead of talking into their shoulders and saying "I dunno, I guess." But, they do express the thoughts that you guys would express if you got halfway decent educations in our public shithouse schools. And, the chick who plays the foreign exchange student is no teenager. Hell, she's a fine hottie with a body that makes the phrase "ripe melons" easily roll off the tongue. Yes, guys, you get to see her tits, and you get to see them plenty. She also looks at dirty girlie magazines (which an ex-girlfriend of mine did and it always gave me a boner), and she diddles her clitoris (you do not see our hooded little pal).

Eugene Levy plays Jim, the masturbation maniac's father. It is a humorous role, but I'm really pissed at how underutilized this guy is in the movies. Eugene Levy is a fucking comic god. He created Bobby Bittman and Rockin' Mel Slurrup. on "SCTV". They should stop giving him these roles as a goofy father and let him star in a movie. In fact, he should be the biggest, oldest and hairiest of the virgin teens.

The ending of this movie is too predictable and drawn out. Guys, what you want from your raunchy sex comedies, but this one stops being raunchy and it stops being sexy. We know they will all get their sex. We're supposed to like them too much to want to see them get hurt, so instead we have to watch them fall in love, or whatever the directors thought would justify teenagers fucking in a lake house. Really, the only way to make the ending better would be to have people throwing up and girls boobs flopping out of their blouses.

Okay, I'm glad we've had this talk, boys. Now, go out and see "American Pie. It's five fingers for teenaged boys. It's three fingers for girls, and three fingers for bitter old men like myself who can no longer be a part of the lifestyle it portrays.

 Enter an e-mail address and send this page to a friend:

 Want to tell the Filthy Critic something?

 Big Empire  Post-it Theater  Las Vegas  The Gift ElectroniquÈ  Big Empire Buddies


©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights fucking reserved.