Ladies, this week I am talking to the boys only,
so please read no further. Thank you.
"It's not so
Guys, now that the ladies have shut off their monitors, I'd
like to talk to you a little about the birds and bees. This movie
"American Pie" has given me the perfect chance to say
I know that you masturbate and it's okay with me. Teen boys,
I know you do it about half of your waking hours, and that's
fine, too. This movie will help you understand you are not alone.
You will also get to see a very pretty girl's boobs. Let it serve
as the introduction to sex your father never gave you. It's definitely
If I were still a stupid teenager all hopped on model glue
"American Pie" would be the only movie I'd need. It
would be my everything, my "Treasure of the Sierra Madre,"
"Star Wars" and "Sorority Sluts" all rolled
into one. I'm well past my teen years, though. So, while I understood
and appreciated "American Pie," I had to sit on the
sideline feeling sorry for myself while you Goddamn undeserving
teenagers had a ball. It's for you, boys. Enjoy.
The teen boys I saw this flick with were creaming the fuck
out of their jeans. It's because this is a sacred story passed
down through the generations. Now it's time for a new generation
to learn it. A little history: The legend in "American Pie"
has been around in different variations since the cavemen stopped
jacking-off and started telling stories. The Greek poet Homer
told this tale as part of the "Iliad," but with Ulysses
losing his cherry to a giant wooden goat. And the story was finally
perfected in the 1980s in "The Last American Virgin,"
"Porky's" and "The Sure Thing."
Four high school buddies make a pact to lose their virginity
before they graduate. Not with each other, of course, but with
the little mousy girls surrounding them. One keeps having his
parents finding him masturbating; one tries to infiltrate the
lee Club and fuck some of those squeaky chicks but ends up falling
in love; one finally screws his commitment-minded sweetheart;
and the last guy fucks his best-friend's mom. All along the way,
they all talk a hell of a lot about their need to screw chicks.
Guys, if you got a girl, take her to this movie because you're
sure to get some poon-tang afterward. It's not the typical date
movie where the girl will bawl her fucking eyes out because Mel
Gibson or Brad Pitt dies, and then you comfort her and she lets
you stick it in. Hell, those movies aren't so hot anyway because
the girls want you to be romantic later and that can be a royal
pain in the ass. Instead, this movie makes teenaged boys look
like a dorks and your girl will either give you a sympathy fuck,
or she'll think that you're a sweet dorky guy and she'll ride
you into the sunset.
See, the guys in "American Pie" are losers and they
seem human. They are likable and a girl you take to it may confuse
you with them. They will think, "It's normal for him to
want to screw me all the time. It's his hormones. I should let
him because really he loves me, he just can't say it."
It's a funny movie. Hell, I haven't seen such a brutally honest
portrayal of teenaged masturbation since I looked in the mirror
a dozen years ago. They show a kid shellac his Pinto into a sock,
and they have a kid whack-a-mole into a pie. I guess "Portnoy's
Complaint" already covered beating a piece of liver, so
the pie was the only direction to go.
The guys and girls aren't exactly believable teenagers because
they speak in complete sentences instead of talking into their
shoulders and saying "I dunno, I guess." But, they
do express the thoughts that you guys would express if you got
halfway decent educations in our public shithouse schools. And,
the chick who plays the foreign exchange student is no teenager.
Hell, she's a fine hottie with a body that makes the phrase "ripe
melons" easily roll off the tongue. Yes, guys, you get to
see her tits, and you get to see them plenty. She also looks
at dirty girlie magazines (which an ex-girlfriend of mine did
and it always gave me a boner), and she diddles her clitoris
(you do not see our hooded little pal).
Eugene Levy plays Jim, the masturbation maniac's father. It
is a humorous role, but I'm really pissed at how underutilized
this guy is in the movies. Eugene Levy is a fucking comic god.
He created Bobby Bittman and Rockin' Mel Slurrup. on "SCTV".
They should stop giving him these roles as a goofy father and
let him star in a movie. In fact, he should be the biggest, oldest
and hairiest of the virgin teens.
The ending of this movie is too predictable and drawn out.
Guys, what you want from your raunchy sex comedies, but this
one stops being raunchy and it stops being sexy. We know they
will all get their sex. We're supposed to like them too much
to want to see them get hurt, so instead we have to watch them
fall in love, or whatever the directors thought would justify
teenagers fucking in a lake house. Really, the only way to make
the ending better would be to have people throwing up and girls
boobs flopping out of their blouses.
Okay, I'm glad we've had this talk, boys. Now, go out and
see "American Pie. It's five fingers for teenaged boys.
It's three fingers for girls, and three fingers for bitter
old men like myself who can no longer be a part of the lifestyle