Here's how The Ex was made: someone took
a big shit. Someone else ate the shit, and then barfed it up.
Then it sat until maggots infested it. It's at this point that
some Hollywood grassfucker found it in a dumpster and thought
it'd make a great movie. So he smeared it all over paper, and
a whole other group of grassfuckers either read it and liked
it, or didn't bother and just said they did.
When it comes to comedy, the difference between
the dipshits in L.A. who read a script and those who don't is
zero. That city is infested with more humorless, screw-up-their-ass,
self-interested half-witted dimfucks than the hookers by the
railroad tracks are with crabs. At least the crabs are small
and quiet. The movie parasites scurry around sucking off host
projects, draining the life from original ideas, and clamping
onto any project with a pulse. The Ex must have looked
to them like a 500-pound man with vast forests of pubic hair
as tall as the redwoods would to pubic lice.
This movie has all the hallmarks of hackneyed,
worthless, idle, greedy fuckwads with laptops. There is not
a single fresh idea here, and it forgets to put punchlines on
its setups. Instead, it's a sloppy assemblage of cruelty posing
as humor, and premise as joke.
Zach Braff and Amanda Peet play a pair of uninteresting,
self-absorbed yuppies about to have a baby and completely unaware
that this little "miracle" happens to millions of folks, not
just them. It amazes me that screenwriters and directors who
want you to give a shit about their characters can only come
up with shallow, unpleasant, impetuous assholes who don't even
have interesting jobs or hobbies. I guess they are secretly
hoping that we care about people like them.
Well, when Zach loses his job as a cook, the
couple has to move to Ohio from New York City. Supposedly, Braff
really loves NYC and this move is a big sacrifice, but the movie
doesn't bother showing us that. They just tell us and expect
us to fill in the blanks. Before childbirth, of course, Peet
is some sort of social-working lawyer. That's the shitty cliche
the movie uses to tell us she's a good person. We're also supposed
to like Braff because his coworkers say he's the only guy who
will stand up to a prick boss, despite the fact the rest of
the movie is about what a big fucking selfish coward and weenie
he is. Never mind that for the rest of the movie, neither of
them does a single good or decent thing. Braff looks out for
himself and Peet just pouts.
Anyway, Braff becomes an ad executive at some
ad agency that is supposed to be humorously new-agey. I suppose
having some jokes after the set up of it being new-agey would
have helped it be funny, but come on, you can't expect the dicks
in Hollywood to do all the work, can you?
After it fails to set up the workplace gags
and fails to capitalize on the "wacky" cast of coworkers and
the father-in-law who thinks Braff's a failure, The Ex
piles on handicap-guy jokes. Jason Bateman plays a dude in a
wheelchair who once dated Peet and is now Braff's boss. He still
wants her, and in yet another unfortunate attempt at humor,
they make him a dick who can really walk. Hey asshole filmmakers:
that was funny for Guy Caballero, but it ain't funny here. Bateman
eventually gets hit by a bus, thereby really crippling him.
Oh man, any time your big scene is a guy getting hit by a bus,
you have to want to kill yourself for being such a schmuck.
But The Ex has no clue. Not about feelings,
jokes, what an audience will root for or care about. We're supposed
to think Braff and Peet's marriage is in jeopardy. She moves
out on him, she tells him he's a jerk. And then at the end she
says she would never leave him. Oh, I see. She'd just move out
and call him an asshole. But leave him? Never. Braff beats the
shit out of Bateman. It's squirm-inducing and powerfully unfunny
for the very reason the hacks behind this shit think it is:
because making fun of handicap people is taboo. Well, it's taboo
for a reason: because it's so fucking unfunny. At what point
during the scene that Bateman falls down a flight of stairs
was I supposed to laugh? Remember, we don't know he's faking
it yet, but we do know that Braff is an asshole.
Ultimately, Braff and Peet move back to New
York because, I guess, his heart is there, and Ohio was so unbearable.
Again, neither of these ideas is every substantiated by the
script, so I don't understand why I should be so fucking glad
for the miserable couple.
I fucking hate movies that think just putting
in new-agey people is as funny as making good and original jokes
about new-ageism. Or that wacky workplaces are funny, even if
nothing funny ever happens at them. Or to give the main characters
such shallow aspirations and superficial personalities. You've
got to be a total hack to write such lame premises and than
not even be able to think of a gag about them. But, that's the
shit that gets made, because Hollywood's grassfuckers are even
less creative than the worst writers. And the more obvious the
setup, the more likely it is that they'll get it. One Finger
for the godawful The Ex.