is a fucking disaster. It's shitty in as many different ways
as the port-a-potties at a multi-cultural festival. I mean,
on the surface this is a technically competent movie. There
is nothing obviously wrong with it, like a snuff scene in
the middle, or Rob Schneider in his underwear. But it's such
bad storytelling and so self-serving that I wouldn't recommend
it to anyone except people whose political activism goes no
farther than a "Free Tibet" bumper sticker.
Lord of War is like hearing a know-it-all at a party
tell you he read a "fascinating" article about weapons traders
in Harper's. First, the asshole wants you to know he
reads Harper's. Second, he acts like a fucking authority
on the subject because he read one story once. Third, he can't
remember any of the specifics that made the story "fascinating".
All he really remembers is that he read the article, had some
sense of outrage at the moral corruption of men who sell weapons,
and now wants you to know he was outraged. He didn't want
to do anything about it. He just wanted you to admire how
mad he was that poor people are dying.
guy is an asshole. So are the writer, director, stars and
producers of the self-serving hot-shit sandwich titled Lord
of War. This is the most didactic, boring-ass self-serving
piles of horseshit the Hollywood grassfuckers have put out
in a long time. The entire thing reeks of more vanity and
fake morality than the Crystal Cathedral. And it assumes the
audience is so fucking ignorant that we aren't aware of the
gun trade. Well, no shit there are people supplying weapons
to war-torn nations and brutal dictators. Before he made this,
did Niccol think they were making guns out of mud? Did he
think the people selling the guns were sweethearts? What has
he added to the discussion besides factoids?
movie, in its stupidity, thinks the way to make its obvious
lecture palatable is to star Nicolas Cage and make pathetic
attempts at the occasional comic moment. What a fucking atonal
mess. It's a lecture! No, it's a comedy! Either way it's overly
simplistic and geared to people inclined to feel the same
fake outrage as the makers.
is miscast as a Ukrainian-born arms dealer from Brighton Beach.
They never specifically say he's a vampire, but that's the
only way his character could possibly span the story's twenty
years of the story without ever aging. Fuck, nobody in this
story ages. The movie glosses over what would be the most
interesting part. That is, how does a good kid become a world
class arms dealer and lose his soul? Cage just does. And throughout
the whole fucking movie he narrates a cavalcade of know-it-all
factoids and plot points in tiresome voice-over that only
illustrate how much better all of this probably was in Harper's.
I mean, every fucking scene has him saying stupid-ass shit
over it. The sort of stuff that a full-of-shit writer/director
Andrew Niccol fall in love because he thinks it makes him
look smart, like "Every man has his price. But it doesn't
mean he'll get it." That kind of nonsense that sounds real
smart and clever, but really isn't. It's just there to please
the assholes who made this turd. Get over yourselves, fucker,
and entertain us. If you've got a message, sneak it in there.
Don't overwhelm us with your phony sense of morality.
Cage travels the world selling guns, tanks and aircraft to
both sides of every illegal war. The point of Lord of War
is not to tell a story, but rather to lecture us about the
evils of gun runners and how battles are supplied. Maybe that's
an interesting story, but not here. Especially told with this
much self-righteous indignation and obviousness. And from
the point of view of a lead character who is supposed to amuse
us with his glibness at the same time we're supposed to be
appalled by his, well, glibness. Like I said, it's like hearing
some of the facts from a know-it-all asshole who can't remember
the good details, and tells it more to show off than anything
is a half-assed plot somewhere in there about a trophy wife
in New York whom he keeps his arms dealing a secret from,
and whom he claims to love despite fucking women in every
foreign country. And Ethan Hawke plays a bad-toothed Interpol
agent hot on his trail. None of this amounts to anything,
and mostly gets in the way of the voice-overs and fetishized
scenes of gunpiles.
movie's morality is totally undermined by Niccol's own showiness.
I think back to The Constant Gardener, which had a
genuine empathy for the poor in Africa and a real sense of
the cost of lives. In that movie, when the camera focused
on the poor it was to remind us that they were the real victims,
not the movie stars carrying the story. Here, when the camera
focuses on the poor, it's a fucking fraud. Niccol thinks they
are simply props for his big fake lecture. There is no compassion
or pity there. Just a director getting his nuts off.
he gets his nuts off with the same guns and explosions he
is lecturing us about. What a fucking solipsistic Hollywood
asshole. Honestly, a movie like this makes me think that those
grassfuckers don't even realize that the other 99.9% of the
world isn't a huge set. This is shit. Lord of War gets
One Finger for its self-serving cynical bullshit. Fuck