This being the digital age and everything goes
fast, it took only a couple years before studios dumbed their
new toy digital animation down to the Hanna-Barbera level. That
is, shitty, schlocky, and lazy as a Texan stripper in August.
As long as Pixar makes buttloads of cash with their movies, there
will be some dumbass in some shitty studio thinking anyone with
a computer can do the same. They figure it's not the writing or
directing, or the time and care put into the details that makes
good movies profitable. Hell, no. It's talking animals. Animals
that act like people are way the fuck better than a good script.
is a low point for digital animation, and an even lower one for
anthropomorphosis. That's saying a lot because every unimaginative
grassfucker is dying to make a shitty movie with talking goats,
not for the sake of storytelling, but for the sake of lunchboxes,
Happy Meals and pillowcases. This is one bad, bad, bad fucking
didn't want to see Barnyard, but it was the only thing
playing at the 88 Drive In and Worm asked me to tag along as the
third wheel on his blind date. After meeting a Filipino lady on
the Internet and arranging to meet her for real, he got sort of
skeeved about her Samoan boyfriend. I guess I was supposed to
be the muscle in case the shit hit the fan. To be honest, though,
I would have been out of the bed of his pickup faster than a greyhound
if any big, scary guys came around. I was just there for a free
movie, an Alien Glowpop and to try to score a free look if things
got hot and heavy between Worm and his new lady friend.
wish they had screwed instead of fighting the whole time about
the porn Worm keeps in his glovebox. That would have been so much
more entertaining. And creepy, too. Instead, it was them in the
cab, and me in the back with a burlap sack to keep off the mosquitos,
watching a shitty, shitty, shitty movie.
writer/director Steve Oedekirk is responsible. He's made such
hot drippers as Kung Pow: Enter the Fist and a bunch of
unfunny bad parodies starring his thumb. He can suck the life
and soul out of anything with his generic gags. What he does very
well is write jokes that look like jokes to people who don't know
the difference between funny and unfunny. Which describes most
of the grassfuckers in Hollywood. They don't know comedy from
what falls out of their asses, explaining why we so often see
what falls out of their asses. All they recognize is the formula.
"Oh, yeah, I see. That's a joke, right?" A bad writer then tells
them, with conviction, "Yeah! And it's superfunny!"
don't see any other way Barnyard got made because there
isn't a single moment of genuine, original comedy in it. There
isn't even an original plot. It's a dumbed-down version of The
Lion King which was already a pretty stupid version of Joseph
Campbell's reluctant hero horseshit. It's the sort of script writtenand
produced by people who don't really understand story, or comedy,
or pathos, but just really want to make money.
a boy cow Otis, with an udder, wants to party all the time, but
whose father tells him he needs to watch after the farm and protect
it from coyotes. "I don't want to, Dad. That's not me." Of course,
the coyotes kills his father, who also has an udder, and whose
death is oddly bloodless for someone devoured by five mangy canines.
That death turns the lightbulb on in Otis's head, along with some
vague love interest in a pregnant girl cow, with an udder, who
isn't as fat as him, so I have no idea how we're supposed to be
able to tell which is which.
movie doesn't evolve or develop, really. The plot turns on schmaltz
and cornpone. Lazy, lazy storytelling that expects the viewer
to buy into it because they've seen someone already do the same
thing better. There is an overlong gag where Otis protects the
farm from a fat, rude kid and--haha--drives a car. Then of, course,
a showdown with the coyotes where Otis tries to be brave and then
is helped by the rest of the farm animals. Finally, he unites
with the pregnant cow. It all happens on a schedule, not naturally.
story exists for the gags. And the gags suck. They are old and
tired, but they were born that way. Obvious, dumb and crass. It's
shit like a nosy neighbor who gets her comeuppance, and the fat,
rude kid who gets his, and 2,000 examples of animals acting like
people. They play dice, and dance and sing. They golf and sit
in lounge chairs, and when Otis jumps into a pond he yells "Manabunga!"
Get it? Wasn't that not funny?
animation is as uninspired as a Barbara Cartland novel. Especially
all the ones she's written since she died. Everything is flat
and lacks detail. The animals are generically cartoonish. Most
have no personality, and those that do are stereotypes. Some are
unidentifiable, like a yellowish weasel(?) who keeps imagining
the hens as fried chickens (clever!). The setting comes from the
people whose knowledge of agriculture came from the Berenstain
is a pile of shit. Top to bottom, lazy, unoriginal horseshit,
pigshit and bullshit. I'm not just saying that because the back
or Worm's truck is uncomfortable and filthy, or because the mosquitos
got me. I'm saying that because I fucking hate greedy assholes
who put this shit out there expecting kids to be stupid enough
to consume it just because it vaguely resembles something good.
Hell, even I'm not that stupid. One Lousy Finger. I wish
I could give it two, just so I could jam them in Oedekirk's eyes.
Want to tell Filthy Something?