much more to say. Writer-director James L Brooks made a movie
of such stupendous self-absorption, shallowness, and of interest
to so few that it hardly needs discussing. Rich, stupid Californian
sitcom characters (like a sassy mother-in-law and a ball-busting
clueless mother) discover goodness through the eyes of a hot,
saintly Mexican maid. Paz Vegas is really fucking hot. It's a
story that will appeal only to wealthy assholes in LA with guilt
complexes about their immigrant servants, and who think that deifying
them is better than giving them Christmas bonuses. Just Hollywood's
idea of charity--the kind that only helps themselves. The characters
are too broad and their problems are too fucking foreign to any
normal person. The Mexicans are portrayed so politically-correct
and simplistically I can't imagine any Mexican wanting to see
it. Just dreadful that any fuck in Hollywood could think he's
making the world better with this crap on a doily. And the whole
damn, disorganized and rambling story is framed as the maid's
daughter's girl's corny Princeton application essay. Lame.
right, that's short, but that's all I got to say about that piece
of crap. Really, I need to use this space to announce an exciting
new opportunity for all of you. No, it's not Amway this time,
although I still have about 200 cases of Nature's Path Organic
Crispy Rice Bars if anyone wants them. Those fuckers said that
shit would sell itself.
time I'm selling something far more exciting: me. I saw where
the old George Bush, the more competent and honest one, is making
hundreds of thousands of dollars giving speeches to rich assholes
eating bad catered food at corporate events. Apparently these
fat cats will pay money to hobnob with even the most mediocre
celebrities. And I figure if I can line up enough of these things,
I can be recognized as a mediocre celebrity, too. I'd be more
fun than Norman Schwarzkopf, that's for sure. Besides, I need
the Goddamn money. So, if you're a corporate planner, looking
for wedding entertainment, or want something fun for your youth
center stop trying to contact Huey Lewis's manager. I work cheaper
and bluer. How about a Bar Mitzvah? Thirteen-year-old boys love
me. Listen to all you get when you hire me:
will give everyone a night they will always remember.
will show up drunk.
will remain drunk (alcohol provided by you).
I pass out during the event, I still get paid for the entire
don't really want to talk to people wearing suits at corporate
events, so don't ask me to.
will not shake hands with anyone, or sign autographs or take
will fistfight with children (I will not fight with adults
unless they are in wheelchairs or otherwise almost certain
I do get the shit beat out of me by adults, I get a 20% bonus.
will show up within an agreed upon three-hour window or possibly
call if I'm going to be really late.
food manufacturers, I will eat any free samples you send in
advance and then tell you what I think of them.
will not drink motor oil again.
cannot vomit at will, so don't ask. If I could, you'd be paying
twice as much.
parole reasons I can no longer bring a pistol and shoot wildly
into the air.
will provide me with a limousine for transportation. No, just
kidding, but just make sure there's good bus service wherever
I'm supposed to go.
know for a fact that the speakers at these things are given
nice hotel rooms, so don't tell me I have to sleep in the
conference room kitchen. I know that now, okay? So don't even
will no longer appear at the same motivational events with:
Deepak Chopra, Dr. Tom Forston of Promise Keepers, Anthony
Robbins and Senator Orrin Hatch.
will not make balloon animals, but if someone else is making
some that would be awesome if I could have a bear and an elephant
that fits on my head.
will not plan to strip off my clothes and hump the buffet
table, but if I do, I get an extra fifty bucks.
will not speak into a microphone or make a speech of any kind.
you wanted some sort of motivational speaker who fires up
your sales crew, you should have thought of that before you
hired me because I think salesmen are assholes.
will not perform at funerals because they're creepy and what
if I fall into the grave. Who is responsible then?
there will be people at this event who are easily offended
by foul language, introduce them to me and I can make them
cry. Trust me, this is fun for everyone.
will comport myself as a gentlemen at all times.
far, I've gotten a job doing a grand opening of a new Safeway.
I'm gonna stand near the tangerines and yell slurs at passersby.
And I'm doing magic at the Englewood Senior Center's "Vaudeville
Night". I'd like to do some beach volleyball events, and anything
for big corporations with more money than brains. Everything I
said I will not do on the above list is negotiable. Except the
vomiting. I'd like to do speeches for Rotary Clubs and Optimists
groups, too, but not breakfast meetings. And if you own a major
casino and want me to hang around the front door asking for handouts
and blowing my snot into the ashtrays, give me a call. I think
that'd bring in a lot of new business. Finally, you know, if you're
having a fancy dinner and you just need a warm body to sit at
the end of the table across from someone's fat, unpleasant sister,
give me a call. I work as cheap as twenty bucks.
yeah, and One Finger for Spanglish.
Filthy || Want to tell Filthy