you're like me, you spend a lot of time tossing and turning late
at night, awake with the horror that you could somehow be mistaken
for a very pretty girl with luscious. long blonde hair. Night
after night, you imagine being wrongly accused of a crime and
thrown into the hottest, sweatiest maximum security women's prison
in the world. This is a penitentiary for women so vile and disgusting
they have to be locked away for life. And the heat in this fetid
jail is so unbearable that the inmates go naked. The showers are
like a viper pit, just a writhing, roiling tangle of sweaty limbs
and boobs. Everywhere you look, these vicious women's hard bodies
glisten with sweat, their homemade tattoos rippling over taut
biceps. And when they see a scrawny, helpless guy like me (who
looks like a helpless, hot lingerie model), they attack, violating
my every orifice, holding me down and forcing me to do shameful
things until I begin to like it.
for sure, and yet for some reason I return to these images every
night. I'm sure most of us do. Except, that is, those of you who
really are lingerie models. Anyway, I've been haunted by these
horrible images, but try as I might I could never make the sensations
that come with being overrun by violent, horrible prison chicks
become real. That is, until now.
a Barry Levinson Movie, has given me a graphical taste of what
it's like to be thrown down onto hard concrete and be forced to
eat shit and take a rake up the ass. It's exactly like my nightmares,
expect that I didn't end up enjoying it at all.
is billed as a comedy, and maybe it is. Maybe it's some new brand
of comedy that has no jokes or humor or, I don't know, any reason
to exist. This thing is one of the most carefully and patiently
made turds I've seen since some asshole told my retard cousin
Larry that shit-sculpture would be in this year's Special Olympics.
I wish I could express to you how fucking awful Envy, but
it takes more than words. It takes puppets, and the proper costumes,
and a hell of a lot of lighter fluid.
and Jack Black play frumpy middle-class best friends stuck in
dead-end jobs. The difference between them is that Black is a
dreamer who finally hits upon a big idea. He invents an aerosol
spray that makes dogshit disappear. Stiller thinks he's crazy
and that the invention won't work so he refuses to go in partners
with Black. When "Va-poo-rizer" works, Black becomes enormously
wealthy and Stiller is left in his dead-end job, filled with envy.
I'm not sure
if the movie meant for this set-up to lead into hilarity or mind-numbing
tedium. If the former, the movie fails worse than me taking a
urine test. If the latter, well, bravo! Mission accomplished.
But why? For God's sake, why?
I won't get
into all the absolutely arbitrary and worthless twists the movie
takes on its path to pointlessness, but I'll tell you most every
plot twist is based on sitcom-caliber cliches, and Christopher
Walken stars as a weird, creepy guy who entangles himself in Stiller's
life. Hey, now that's original. Sure, Walken has played the weird
interloper in about 74 movies before, but this is the first time
it's being done for the 75th time!
mostly follows Stiller and Walken as they try to dig up and hide
a dead horse. I swear to God. There are also subplots about Black's
wife running for state senate against an incumbent who demands
to know where all the disappeared shit goes to (Answer: who the
fuck knows? The movie never says), Walken also tries to blackmail
Stiller, Stiller's wife leaves him, Black's wife leaves him, Black
and Stiller ham it up in Rome, and many other tiresome contrivances
that are jokelessly drawn out with the pacing of the wheelchair
Not a single
character in Envy is likable. Who the fuck are we supposed
to care about: the whiny Stiller who doesn't like his job and
pouts about it? His greedy wife who wants money more than anything?
Black, the obnoxious infomercial asshole, or his dimwitted wife?
Maybe it's Walken's asshole, whacked out bum we're supposed to
like? Director Levinson and screenwriter Steve Adams obviously
don't like them, so why should we? Why should we hope they turn
out all right when their creators only want to make them stupid
enough to push the story on.
The plot is
pure arbitrary horseshit. It's hard to care where a movie's going
when a director and writer jerk it around like a misbehaving three-year
old at K-Mart. I suppose it's meant to be a cautionary tale, but
for whom? Retarded assholes?
tacked together without rhyme or reason. By the time the movie
concluded, it had veered so far from its original intent that
I had to think back to the beginning to make sure I hadn't fallen
asleep and caught the end of some other, and equally shitty movie.
problem is its complete lack of punchlines. Everyone acts like
they are tied down with a straitjacket, unable to crack a smile
or joke. I wondered if this were supposed to be a comedy. If it's
supposed to be serious, it's an ass-reaming. If it's a comedy,
what the fuck? How about doing something funny? How about someone
giving Stiller and Black some No-Doz so they can stop moping their
way through it?
It's a rare
movie that can look both cheap and costly at the same time. Envy
looks like someone spent a shitload of money, but it also looks
like the money was wasted. Most of the money was spent making
the suburbs really look like suburbs. There are also cheapout
continuity problems like this: once Black becomes rich, he builds
a mansion right in the suburb where he always lived. This results
in a lot of belabored camera work so that we never see the mansion
in the neighborhood. We see the other houses, then a shot of his,
back and forth.
One of the
problems with movie like Envy is that they're based on
us believing that the invention is a great one. But if this invention
were feasible or great, why doesn't it exist? Is the fact that
poo disappears supposed to be wacky, and not taken seriously?
If so, why is the movie trying to damn hard to be boring? Why
have a wacky plot and strap it to such dead-eyed performances
and directing? I guess because the moviemakers are fucking idiots.
And so are
we for paying for this shit. Don't see Envy. Don't even
see it to find out if it's really as bad as everyone says. You'll
only encourage those fuckers. One Filthy Finger for Envy.
It's late, I'm tired and I hear there's going to be a jailbreak
in my dreams tonight.
Filthy || Want to tell Filthy