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This week:

A Knight's Tale

Filthy says:
"Fan-fucking-tastic for dippy ten girls."

The Filthy Critic is unavailable this week due to an accident involving beer and some steep stairs. The next most foul-mouthed person available, the Arvada Tavern Harelip, will fill in.

I don't ever get to go to the movies even though it's walking distance from the Tavern. Nobody ever wants to fucking go with me because all the assholes who used to be my friends stopped hanging around with me. Ladies, all it takes is fucking your best friend's husband once and your so-called friends show their true colors. To hell with them. Just for your information, Cindy, it didn't take much persuading or beer to get Lloyd to stick his knobby little dick in me out by the grease bin. Anyway, I hate going to the movies by myself because everyone looks at you like you're some sort of loser without friends. And maybe I don't have any right now, but I could get some pretty fucking quick if I want. I buy two pitchers at the Tavern and I have more friends than I know what to do with. So fuck all the people who feel sorry for me, they should feel sorry for themselves for being such prudes.

I agreed to see A Knight's Tale because Filthy fucked up his elbows falling down the stairs and because Merry Olde England is something I know a lot about. First, I have a killer collection of pewter dragons holding crystal balls. Every time I get a little tip money saved up, I go down to Glee's Hallmark and they have this entire case full of them. They are so fucking classy, like real art. Some of the dragons are playful, some are angry, but they are all hand-fucking-crafted by loving Malaysians, and each and every one has a certificate of authenticity. They better, they cost like $30 dollars apiece because they are real pewter and real crystal, not that cheap shit. They're going to be worth some serious money one day. I lost some of my certificates when I got this bad crystal meth and freaked out once, though. Second, I started reading this set of books from Harlequin Romance about prehistoric England, and they were real fancy with people speaking all old-like and shit and getting it on in dungeons. Except, those books don't really say that people get it on. They always say they start touching each other, people's tits start heaving and his "magic fingers" were all over her, and then they jump to the next chapter with the Goddamn villain is mad about something. I got bored and didn't read all of the books, but I have a good sense what it was about. Anyway, my point is, I got a bit of a pedigree when it comes to this shit about knights and dragons and castles and virgin maidens who want to lick the king's velvety manroot.

A Knight's Tale was pretty lame. It's like some watered down romance shit with a bunch of stupid fighting thrown in. No thank you. Either have the people get it on or have them beat each other's brains out. In other words, this movie is more like happy hour at TGI Friday's than closing time at the Arvada Tavern.

Heath Ledger is fucking hot, though. I would give up half my dragons to have him smother his face in my pussy juice. In A Knight's Tale, Ledger is a commoner who wants nobility so he can compete in jousting contests. With the help of his sidekicks, he poses as a Sir and magically becomes the best jouster in all of England. One of his sidekicks is named Geoffrey Chaucer and the movie has a great fucking time making fun of people who don't know who he was. Ha ha, it's Geoffrey Chaucer. Ha ha. Well, you didn't fucking fool me. I might be a drunk, but I remember going to high school and I remember that asshole's stupid poems about farting nuns.

Anyway, Ledger meets this skinny, flat-chested princess with a smushed in face (Shannon Sossamon) and he wants to debone her like a Chicken McNugget. But, see, she's royalty and she's betrothed to Adhemar (Rufus Sewell), this pouty, dark-haired old villain who is also the reigning jousting champion. This is the exact same broke-dick plot as in 14 of the "Olde England" series Harlequin Romances, according to their back covers. So, anyway, to win this broad's heart, Ledger must not only beat the sour-puss Sewell, he must also confront his commoner past and overcome it.

There's something that freaked the piss out of me about this movie. It's the fucking classic rock soundtrack. First, how clever was it to load a soundtrack with the same music you can hear on The Fox, Denver's Classic Rock for free? It's annoying to hear "We Will Rock You," "Golden Years" and other music I hear enough at the county fairs, sporting events and jet-ski parties. It's lazy, too. It's a lazy-ass way to pick music and a cheap way to avoid acknowledging that the middle-ages were probably boring as hell. They didn't have rock music, and they didn't have good booze or food either. The movie is an insult to the world suggested of my pewter dragons. But what really freaked me was that this music is by the same bands they had at last year's "FoxRock Weekend" at Fiddler's Green. The only memory I have of that concert is getting screwed in a smelly porta-potty by a bastard who left me the gift that keeps on giving while BTO played "Taking Care of Business."

And A Knight's Tale is longer than the lines for the ladies room at the dragster nationals. It's pretty hard for me to go more than a couple hours outside the Tavern without getting the shakes, but this thing's got more padding than that bitch Cindy's bra. I mean, this Ledger kid's hot and all, but he never even loses. He decides he wants a to be a knight, so he becomes a knight. Then, with a couple weeks training, he wins every fucking fight and the girl goes all drooly for him. He never encounters a single obstacle, until the end where his "nobility" is questioned. But even that is resolved without much problem. If the plot's going to be right out of a Harlequin Romance, at least come up with some twist (and I mean other than that shitty classic rock). Surprise us somehow, at least give Ledger some obstacles to overcome, and preferably ones where his clothes get torn off.

Ledger is hot-looking, but he's got a flat, dull personality that's only going to turn on retarded teenage girls. There were a shitload of them in the theater, too. Who knew so many parents took Thalidamide in the 80s?These girls laughed at all the stale jokes, and swooned and mushy sexless relationship. When they get older and smarter, and learn a bit more about history, and collect pewter dragons. They'll know that a guy needs more than looks. He needs to be able to talk dirty and dance like Fred Astaire. The other actors in the movie are cardboard. Sewell could be hot if he wasn't pouting all the time. And Sossamon is the kind of broad that teenaged girls wish was their friend because they know she's only porcelain pretty, and if they really wanted to steal her boyfriend all they'd have to do is suck his dick.

In Filthy's absence, I give A Knight's Tale Two Fingers, and I have a good idea of what to do with them while thinking about Ledger.

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