how's the whoring?
One Night at
McCool's is "The
smartest and funniest comedy of the year!"
Time and Tide is "a 112-minute Soloflex
Workout-the moviest movie of the year!" What the fuck does
Guest Columnist, the Harelip, recommends
The National Enquirer
Carole King - Tapestry
Maybe Heath Ledger can
take some lessons on how a real man acts from Patrick Sayze.
Nice jeans, Pat!
Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights fucking reserved.
A Knight's Tale
"Fan-fucking-tastic for dippy ten girls."
The Filthy Critic is unavailable this week due to an accident
involving beer and some steep stairs. The next most foul-mouthed
person available, the Arvada Tavern Harelip, will fill in.
I don't ever get to go to the movies even though it's walking
distance from the Tavern. Nobody ever wants to fucking go with
me because all the assholes who used to be my friends stopped
hanging around with me. Ladies, all it takes is fucking your
best friend's husband once and your so-called friends show their
true colors. To hell with them. Just for your information, Cindy,
it didn't take much persuading or beer to get Lloyd to stick
his knobby little dick in me out by the grease bin. Anyway, I
hate going to the movies by myself because everyone looks at
you like you're some sort of loser without friends. And maybe
I don't have any right now, but I could get some pretty fucking
quick if I want. I buy two pitchers at the Tavern and I have
more friends than I know what to do with. So fuck all the people
who feel sorry for me, they should feel sorry for themselves
for being such prudes.
I agreed to see A Knight's Tale because Filthy fucked
up his elbows falling down the stairs and because Merry Olde
England is something I know a lot about. First, I have a killer
collection of pewter dragons holding crystal balls. Every time
I get a little tip money saved up, I go down to Glee's Hallmark
and they have this entire case full of them. They are so fucking
classy, like real art. Some of the dragons are playful, some
are angry, but they are all hand-fucking-crafted by loving Malaysians,
and each and every one has a certificate of authenticity. They
better, they cost like $30 dollars apiece because they are real
pewter and real crystal, not that cheap shit. They're going to
be worth some serious money one day. I lost some of my certificates
when I got this bad crystal meth and freaked out once, though.
Second, I started reading this set of books from Harlequin Romance
about prehistoric England, and they were real fancy with people
speaking all old-like and shit and getting it on in dungeons.
Except, those books don't really say that people get it on. They
always say they start touching each other, people's tits start
heaving and his "magic fingers" were all over her,
and then they jump to the next chapter with the Goddamn villain
is mad about something. I got bored and didn't read all of the
books, but I have a good sense what it was about. Anyway, my
point is, I got a bit of a pedigree when it comes to this shit
about knights and dragons and castles and virgin maidens who
want to lick the king's velvety manroot.
A Knight's Tale was pretty lame. It's like some watered
down romance shit with a bunch of stupid fighting thrown in.
No thank you. Either have the people get it on or have them beat
each other's brains out. In other words, this movie is more like
happy hour at TGI Friday's than closing time at the Arvada Tavern.
Heath Ledger is fucking hot, though. I would give up half
my dragons to have him smother his face in my pussy juice. In
A Knight's Tale, Ledger is a commoner who wants nobility
so he can compete in jousting contests. With the help of his
sidekicks, he poses as a Sir and magically becomes the best jouster
in all of England. One of his sidekicks is named Geoffrey Chaucer
and the movie has a great fucking time making fun of people who
don't know who he was. Ha ha, it's Geoffrey Chaucer. Ha ha. Well,
you didn't fucking fool me. I might be a drunk, but I remember
going to high school and I remember that asshole's stupid poems
about farting nuns.
Anyway, Ledger meets this skinny, flat-chested princess with
a smushed in face (Shannon Sossamon) and he wants to debone her
like a Chicken McNugget. But, see, she's royalty and she's betrothed
to Adhemar (Rufus Sewell), this pouty, dark-haired old villain
who is also the reigning jousting champion. This is the exact
same broke-dick plot as in 14 of the "Olde England"
series Harlequin Romances, according to their back covers. So,
anyway, to win this broad's heart, Ledger must not only beat
the sour-puss Sewell, he must also confront his commoner past
and overcome it.
There's something that freaked the piss out of me about this
movie. It's the fucking classic rock soundtrack. First, how clever
was it to load a soundtrack with the same music you can hear
on The Fox, Denver's Classic Rock for free? It's annoying to
hear "We Will Rock You," "Golden Years" and
other music I hear enough at the county fairs, sporting events
and jet-ski parties. It's lazy, too. It's a lazy-ass way to pick
music and a cheap way to avoid acknowledging that the middle-ages
were probably boring as hell. They didn't have rock music, and
they didn't have good booze or food either. The movie is an insult
to the world suggested of my pewter dragons. But what really
freaked me was that this music is by the same bands they had
at last year's "FoxRock Weekend" at Fiddler's Green.
The only memory I have of that concert is getting screwed in
a smelly porta-potty by a bastard who left me the gift that keeps
on giving while BTO played "Taking Care of Business."
And A Knight's Tale is longer than the lines for the
ladies room at the dragster nationals. It's pretty hard for me
to go more than a couple hours outside the Tavern without getting
the shakes, but this thing's got more padding than that bitch
Cindy's bra. I mean, this Ledger kid's hot and all, but he never
even loses. He decides he wants a to be a knight, so he becomes
a knight. Then, with a couple weeks training, he wins every fucking
fight and the girl goes all drooly for him. He never encounters
a single obstacle, until the end where his "nobility"
is questioned. But even that is resolved without much problem.
If the plot's going to be right out of a Harlequin Romance, at
least come up with some twist (and I mean other than that shitty
classic rock). Surprise us somehow, at least give Ledger some
obstacles to overcome, and preferably ones where his clothes
get torn off.
Ledger is hot-looking, but he's got a flat, dull personality
that's only going to turn on retarded teenage girls. There were
a shitload of them in the theater, too. Who knew so many parents
took Thalidamide in the 80s?These girls laughed at all the stale
jokes, and swooned and mushy sexless relationship. When they
get older and smarter, and learn a bit more about history, and
collect pewter dragons. They'll know that a guy needs more than
looks. He needs to be able to talk dirty and dance like Fred
Astaire. The other actors in the movie are cardboard. Sewell
could be hot if he wasn't pouting all the time. And Sossamon
is the kind of broad that teenaged girls wish was their friend
because they know she's only porcelain pretty, and if they really
wanted to steal her boyfriend all they'd have to do is suck his
In Filthy's absence, I give A Knight's Tale Two
Fingers, and I have a good idea of what to do with them while
thinking about Ledger.
to tell Filthy something?