The Descent is
the story of six women of varying hotness getting lost in some
southern caverns. But this review isn't really about the movie.
It never is. It's about me. My reviews are always about me, because
it's always about the Harelip and never about me at the Tavern.
I fall asleep face first in a urinal, big deal. The Harelip just
ate two buttons off the jukebox machine.
review is about how women become increasingly attractive to me
as their situation became more dire and hopeless. Show me a girl
with a bandage on her forehead and I'm in love. Find me a girl
with a club foot being chased by bears and I get hard.
does that say about me? Am I the protective type who wants to
help and heal? Am I drawn to women who need me to save them from
their own choices? Does it make me feel better about myself to
know there are people who do more harm to themselves than I do
to myself with homemade cough syrup? Or, is it more specific than
that; I am drawn to women who need a man to yell at their images
from a half-filled movie theater after they have poorly planned
a spelunking trip?
don't think so. I feel for women in bad spots, whether it's a
teen pregnancy, an infected tongue piercing or an unfortunate
choice in halter tops that reveals a poochy tummy. But I'm pragmatic
enough to know I don't have the life skills (hey, I watched fifteen
minutes of "Dr. Phil" on Tuesday) to help myself, let alone others.
Hell, I walked around for two days with my hand stuck in a pickle
jar while Mrs. Filthy visited her mother, so how the fuck could
I help anyone else? Unless, they need to be hit over the head
with a pickle jar. And I can only think of about four scenarios
like that, only two of which are even likely. The last time a
woman took my advice, she bought a pellet gun to take care of
a neighbor's barking dog and shot herself in the hand. I didn't
tell her to get the gun; Worm did. I told her to aim at her hand.
I drawn to women who are trapped and doomed? Maybe. For some of
us, there is hope in the phrase "last man on earth." Holy shit,
wouldn't that be sweet to be the last man on earth? If there were
still a lot of ladies around, I mean. It would suck if I were
both the last man and last human. Or the last man, but everyone
else was a sixth grade boy. I would kill myself in that case.
But if I were the only dude with a ton of hot girls? I'd get so
much sex that sometimes I wouldn't even have to cry to get it.
Even if all the ladies were lesbians, it would still be pretty
awesome because they'd totally want the last man on Earth to watch
them get it on while masturbating and then sobbing and sucking
I don't know why I am attracted to women in peril, but I do know
I became increasingly aroused as I watched The Descent.
Six women who apparently enjoy the sports in Mountain Dew commercials
meet somewhere in the South to explore a cave and rekindle friendships
gone stale after Sarah (Shauna MacDonald) lost her husband and
daughter in a car crash following their last adventure, a whitewater
rafting trip. Their memory and unanswered questions about her
husband's relationship with Juno (Natalie Mendoza) cloud her interest
in this latest trip. Juno has planned it, and unbeknownst to her
friends, has chosen an unknown cave rather than the well-mapped
one she tells her friends they'll explore.
first half of the movie establishes the relationships among the
six ladies and builds a very tense, claustrophobic vibe as they
get deeper into an unknown cave and discover that, as their supplies
dwindle, that they may be trapped. The second half gets a bit
sillier, with boogeymen in the deep who want to eat them, and
are pretty damn successful. The movie devolves from a pretty tight
adventure with sharp characters feeding into the sense of dread
into a pretty fucking typical slasher movie with plenty of screaming,
running around scared shitless, and improbable escapes.
isn't to say the second half is shitty; it's just average horror
crap. That's a letdown from the setup, because I thought the movie
would be smart all the way through, and clever enough not to end
up splattered in blood through a series of nonsensical clashes.
boogeymen are silly. How could they not be? Outside of Alien
how many unseen monsters live up to the billing once they finally
make an appearance? Of course, that's all the more argument for
keeping them in the shadows, more threatening than actually murderous.
In The Descent, they look like a hybrid of the Weekly World
News's Bet Boy and Siegfried and Roy's white tigers. And they
fight like fucking girls. No, wait, worse than girls, since they
mostly get the shit kicked out of them on their home turf by,
well, girls. They are, apparently, humans who have been in the
cave so long they've evolved into blind predators, but with a
very weak sense of smell or hearing. They normally come to the
surface for food, but I have no fucking clue how they are able
to catch large animals who can see them when they have so much
trouble catching slow-moving women who can't see them.
far the best part of the movie is how writer/director Neil Marshall
portrays the six women. Even at the end i couldn't remember which
were which, but it was damn dark in the cave, and I was loaded
with enough Pabst Blue Ribbon to drown a pig. When it was light
out, Marshall gave them distinctive personalities that were neither
obvious nor convenient. They played off each other well, and their
differences generated the movie's non-supernatural tension, such
as when the other women discover that Mendoza has tossed the guidebook
out and taken them on a much riskier trip than they had expected.
To his credit, but my disappointment, Marshall never lowers himself
to getting his cast out of their tops or panties. As much as I
wish he had, and as much as badly as I hoped he had thought of
a way for the girls to have to rub their tits together to make
fire, he rises above.
enough is made of the tension Marshall sets up between Mendoza
and MacDonald. When MacDonald finally figures out Mendoza was
porking her husband, the conflict is too late to be meaningful,
and brought up so obviously that you wonder how fucking stupid
MacDonald was to not see it before. Also, the revenge she exacts
is petty and out of character.
Descent ain't a bad movie, it's half of a good one. The thing
is, I still don't know what draws me to women in danger. All I
learned from this movie is that women who die aren't that big
a turn on anymore. Three Fingers.
Want to tell Filthy Something?