Alone in the Dark is so fucking bad
I not only asked for my money back, but the money of the only
other person in the theater. And they gave it to me. I spent that
$14 on a 30-case of Busch Light, blacked out at some point, woke
I fell out of a tree and broke my arm, was taken to an Urgent
Care center where they put me in a cast, into which I accidentally
vomited (as opposed to the time I purposely vomited into a cast),
which made a tremendous stink and a horrible itch I can't scratch.
And still, the thing I'm pissed about is Alone in the Dark.
There are no words in English to describe how fucking awful it
is except, perhaps, in the songs of Cannibal Corpse.
how many people pass on a script before it gets to Christian Slater,
Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff. There is no casting director in the
world who shouts into his Motorola "Get me Slater!"
That is, unless theyíre just emerging from a 15-year coma, and
even then they yell "Get me Lou Diamond Phillips!" first.
of the actors who passed on the script for Alone in the Dark
smelled this heap of shit while it was still in the mail truck
down the street. But Slater, Reid and Dorff either didn't smell
it or thought it had the pleasing odor of their own farts. Iím
wondering, if they had turned it down would "director" Uwe Boll
have used puppets? Itís not like he could scrape any farther down
in the barrel of desperate actors with no self-respect. The point,
though, is that everyone else you can ever remember being in a
movie, living or dead, turned down the chance to be in Alone
in the Dark. Bogart? Turned it down. Divine? Said no. Brando?
Considered it, but wanted it shot near his apartment in purgatory.
Even the biggest modern hacks and grassfuckers in Hollywood all
recognized how dick-in-the-zipper bad this movie would be; and
they're famous for their bad taste.
bad because it opens with four long, small-font paragraphs of
scrolling text that is also read aloud to prepare us for the next
90 minutes staring up at Uwe Boll's ass and watching the hair-filled
shit trickle down. It's bad because those four paragraphs are
supposed to provide a remotely believable background about an
advanced North American Indian culture that was vaguely violent
and one day simply vanished. But by the time the four paragraphs
are over Alone in the Dark has already introduced such
tired bits as rogue government experiments and abandoned mineshafts.
How fucking lousy is a movie that bores you before the characters
even show up?
bad because Tara Reid plays an archaeologist (I swear to God)
who reads some of her lines phonetically, and mispronounces at
least one simple word. It's bad because when Slater and Reid have
their obligatory, awkward, poorly-edited fuck scene, the loud
soundtrack is an anti-racism song about how people don't notice
the color of a newborn's skin. What the fuck? It's bad because
it makes no sense and I still have no fucking clue why there are
zombies in only one scene, monsters made from Lego-brand Bionicles
in others, a mad scientist, a renegade secret-government agency,
and a rural abandoned mineshaft that apparently winds up right
under a major city. Because Reid punches Slater in the face the
first time she sees him and says "I thought you were dead," and
this is how we're supposed to know they're in love. Because the
most frequently used special effects are shattering glass and
lights that flicker on and off.
hammer-to-the-shin terrible because of the huge gaps in continuity
(in one scene, Slater and Reid pass by the same display cabinet
at least twice while supposedly exploring a darkened museum).
It sucks because it clearly was filmed for cheap overseas but
is supposed to look American. It looks vaguely like Prague or
some other cinematic sweatshop with a few exterior scenes in the
US to trick us. It sucks the nuts out of donkey sacs because every
scene first shows us what is going on and then has a character
explain it again, using dialog that sounds like it has been translated
from English to some primitive tongue and back again. It features
dreadfully long and boring "action" sequences comprised mostly
of repeating footage of men firing pistols in the dark. If you
have a muzzle-flash fetish, this is low-grade masturbation material.
You'd be better of with Candy Bottoms' Tits Blazing series,
in the Dark is not a comeback vehicle; it's a cry for help.
A desperate wail. I don't know what sort of demons and monkeys
Reid, Slater and Dorff need to feed. Maybe heroin, meth, crack
or actual monkeys, but there's no reason other than money to make
a movie this fucking bad. And there can't possibly have been much
offered. Even then, if your acting resume were underwear, this
is the sort of shit-stain you get after too much coffee, beets
and gin that never washes out, so everyone sees it out on the
wash line. It's got to be the acting equivalent of the time I
tried doing ventriloquism with a zebra puppet for my entire grade
school: something so horrible you awake from your sleep for years
shivering and sobbing with regret.
this dungheap cost 20-million bones to make, but it looks a hell
of a lot cheaper than that. It's filmed in dim light, not for
style, but to hide the cheapness. The dialog is so routine that
I could have predicted every single line after seeing Sci-Fi Channel
Originals like Boa Vs. Python and Sabretooth, or
the one about squids that can instant-message submarines. Other
movies this reminded me of are the appalling Arizona Werewolf
in which an Eastern European playing an American says in her best
phonetic English "You and Dr. Noel is only in it for fame and
forchoooon," and an old Golan-Globus disaster called Treasure
of the Four Crowns that at least was in 3-D. All of these
movies are notably lousy, but better than Alone in the Dark.
Uwe Boll not only directed but also produced this thing. I guess
that way he could bilk the production. This fucker also directed
the lousy House of the Dead and the upcoming craptacular
Bloodrayne. All are Z-movies based on C-grade video games.
Boll has no soul, no talent and no vision. He must be stopped.
Finger for Alone in the Dark. Do not pay to see it,
but holy shit, sneak in. Everyone needs to see for himself how
fucking bad a movie can be. In retrospect, please add one finger
to every other review I've ever done, because none deserve as
low a rating as this.
Filthy || Want to tell Filthy