I don't care how many
orifices you have, Cop Out will fuck you in all of them.
Your ass, mouth, nostrils, between your toes. You got pierced
ears? Expect to find director Kevin Smith's dick in them before
you get out of the theater. Doing that requires a shitload more
accuracy and effort than he put into this monumentally lazy,
bowel-voiding turd of a movie. Don't pay money to see it. Treat
it as my first-grade teacher had the other students treat me
when I wet my pants in class: put it in the corner, ignore it
and denigrate it until it goes away in shame.
Cop Out is
fucking abysmal and a violation of many international laws so
long as you consider the audience as prisoners. And they are.
At its core it's an unoriginal retread of the cop-buddy formula
that wore out its welcome a decade or so ago. Smith calls this
an "homage" to the flicks of his youth, but that's a pantload.
First, an homage should be flattering and respectful. Second,
an homage should be a way to shine a light on the best of what's
come before, not an excuse to recycle the most overused elements
without putting any effort into updating or reinventing them.
Smith's idea of homage is to beat the material like a teen boy's
dick until it can no loner stand up.
In Cop Out,
Bruce Willis is the white cop, Tracy Morgan is the black one.
They get suspended from the force for being renegades on a drug
case and must then solve it on their own. Yes, they are suspended
by a hard-ass supervisor who demands their guns and badges.
That's not because of homage, it's because nobody involved in
making this flick bothered to come up with a new way to show
it. That would have taken effort. The suspension comes right
before Willis's daughter is about to get married and he needs
to work to pay for the lavish ceremony she wants. Paying is
his way of showing her how much he cares. It's also his way
of sticking it to his ex-wife's rich new husband. To make up
the shortfall caused by the suspension, Willis must sell an
old baseball card that has schmaltzy sentimental value. Except,
Ho! Ho!, the card is stolen by a crazy thief (Seann William
Scott) who then trades it to the same drug thief they were already
trying to catch. Isn't that clever. There's a shit load of other
details that neither make sense nor add to the story, including
a Mexican cartel kingpin's mistress in the trunk of a car, the
frequent, unamusing reappearances of Scott, and a pointless
side plot about Morgan suspecting his wife's cheating on him.
While there is nothing
original or clever in Cop Out what separates it from
other unbearably shitty flicks is just how little care and effort
went into making it. I'll break my bitching into two pieces.
The first will focus on the sloppy bits of moviemaking. The
second will detail the lazy and trite bits.
Toward the end of
the movie there is a shootout at a bad guy's house that is,
apparently taking place at night. Or so it would seem from the
outside. Yet, inside, the bad guy is terrorizing a woman while
sunlight streams through a window behind him. That sort of gaffe
is almost understandable, though, since Cop Out has no
sense of time. A scene during the day suddenly turns to night,
or vice versa, a couple of times without a dusk or dawn or any
indication of the time of day. In a motel room scene where it
looks like Bruce Willis is trying to escape the movie, he stands
by the door for a long time. The latch behind him magically
goes from closed to open back to closed. This isn't a fucking
Ed Wood movie. This is a piece of shit Warner Brothers expects
us to pay $10 a head to see. Yet nobody could fix shit like
this? Or, rather, no editor, director or producer cared to?
Fuck all of them.
When Willis and Morgan
are suspended from the force, they turn in their shit. Yet,
for no apparent reason, they keep the police car, which they
drive around for the rest of the movie. Why the fuck is that?
Later, the two, while on suspension, arrest Scott for, it appears,
excessive flop sweat. He's thrown in jail. What Cop Out
never explains is how two suspended cops can handcuff a guy,
torture him, then have him jailed without any civil liberty
lawyers--or the police department itself--declaring bullshit.
It's left strictly to us in the audience to do it.
is supposed to be comic relief, but I can't figure out how.
He is loud and crass, and mimics Morgan. He doesn't do anything
more than an obnoxious third-grader. Thank God, third graders
grow up. The character is written to sound clever but appears
phenomenally retarded and capable of making decisions that only
really shitty moviemakers in a hurry would. He is a thief who
does a daylight robbery of a shop. Next, he cat burgles a house,
that for some reason willis and Morgan are tipped off to. How?
God only knows. Scott's an expert at Parkour, but also a hardcore
drug addict who trades the valuable baseball card for extreme
narcotics, which we never see and never see him use. Nor do
we ever seen him in need of them, or reacting to them.
characterizations and plotting are as sloppy as a fat girl sleepover
in an ice cream factory. The entire plot pivots on Willis' needing
to quickly raise $50,000 for his daughter's wedding because
he has been suspended from the force for 30 days. Is Cop
Out telling us is that New York cops make $600,000 a year?
Or is it telling us that Smith and his writers didn't fucking
bother to reconcile its lazy attempts at characterizing Willis?
I'd say the latter since beyond that the movie doesn't bother
to give that lousy actor any personality beyond a bunch of ham-handed
smirking. Hey, Bruce, you're an old fucking man, you're no longer
cool and you're not some fraternity prick hoping to date rape
an insecure freshman.
Morgan is zany, and
that's about it. He's outsized, loud and expected to perform
on demand. He has his useless side plot in which he suspects
his wife, Rashida Jones, is cheating on him. Of course, she
isn't. She certainly would be justified, though, since Morgan
spends about two minutes of screen time with her. The movie
never establishes that their marriage is worth saving, or that
he is remotely a good husband. He gets much more pleasure for
nickels and Willis's smirks. Worse, it fails to integrate this
story into the larger plot. His story feels like the bad writers'
lazy stab at giving Morgan characterization beyond being the
sassy black guy, and failing.
One of the hallmarks
of cop-buddy movies is that the cops don't like each other at
the start. For some reason Cop Out doesn't bother with
this. Willis and Morgan have been partners for nine years and
get along fine. I'd give credit to Smith and the monkeys-wirth-typewriters
team of Robb and Mark Cullen if they replaced that usual source
of conflict with something else. They don't. They follow convention
to a "T" and rely heavily on hackery for their plot. Yet, for
some fucking reason skip the main source of conflict in the
movies they are ripping off. Hell, as long as you're making
a shitty, hack movie, you might as well make a shitty movie
with some element of tension.
trotted out for the cheapest of laughs are a foulmouthed, gun-toting
mother and a foulmouthed ten-year-old who steals cars. In the
case of the latter, the potty-talking kid happens to show up
right where they look for him and have the information Willis
and Morgan need to find a stolen car. No, the kid didn't steal
it, but according to Cop Out, all the car thieves in
New York discuss their latest heists with each other. Good fucking
Lord, that sort of easy presumption is what makes shitty screenwriters
so fucking shitty. Crap like that is so much easier than thinking
up something plausible. The movie's gang of bad guys is as lifeless
and stereotypical as a CW sitcom. The leader, conveniently,
collects baseball memorabilia--oh, and hits his victims with
batted balls. I could see that crap in a direct-to-foreign-video-cocaine-era
Jean Claude Van Damme, but it's really fucking weak for a major
studio release. Nobody involved bothered to flesh anything out.
Overall, the plotting
of Cop Out feels about as authentic as a Mentos commercial,
but without the excitement. The pacing is slack, the action
scenes flat-out incompetent. Characters come and go by convenience,
not logic. There is a scramble to find a stolen Mercedes (which
is easy to do, apparently). Willis and Morgan get it, but it's
not the car people are after. See, there is a beautiful woman
in the trunk. Yet, it's not the woman anyone's after either.
It's a thumb drive she carries. The girl and the car are just
imbecilic red herrings, as though they are how anyone with half
a brain would try to smuggle a tiny flash memory card. There
are multiple shootouts where, despite many shots fired, nobody
gets hurt. That is, until the climactic one when, all the sudden,
Willis and Morgan become crackerjacks. Their every shot not
only hits the target, but instantaneously kills it. Fucking
lazy moviemaking assholes.
The attempts at comedy,
when not tedious and based on what cracks up stoners and eight-year-olds,
is uncomfortably inappropriate. There are two points where someone
dies and that's the punchline. A guy smacks his head on a concrete
wall and dies. High comedy. A gag like that is humor as understood
by people who tortured cats as kids and would do it to humans
now, if they ever got the courage to leave their mother's basements.
Other jokes are nowhere near as funny as they could have been
with more polish, effort and restraint.
I could go on and
on about the shitty laziness and incompetence of Cop Out:
the by-the-single-digit-numbers direction; the awkward pauses;
the gaffes; and the labored, drawn-out dialog. Hopefully, though,
you get the point. That is, this is one fucking shitty piece
of crap that needs to be ignored and shamed until it goes away.
I can only hope it puts the final nail in the crummy career
of the fat-ass, under-talented and over-persistent hack Kevin
Smith. He's a fucking blight. One Finger.
to tell Filthy Something?