that pretty much sucked.
and the animation in Star Wars: The Clone Wars are as
stiff as a teenage boy with his first copy of Swank.
And sitting through it is like feeling the guilt and sadness
that follows perusing a Swank without all the fun.
the movie is supposed to be for kids; the traditional crawl
of boring text at the beginning was replaced by a montage, the
whole thing is written to the attention span and intelligence
of a six-year old. Well, a six-year old with an unusual interest
in mundane conspiracies and backroom deals.
Wars: The Clone Wars, Jabba the Hutt's son has been kidnapped
by Count Dooku and his separatists, who tell Jabba that Jedis
did it. That way, when the Jedis rescue the kid, Dooku can frame
them and make it look like they've had him all along. And when
the Jedis try to return him, the separatists will kill it and
blame Obi Wan and Anakin. This will, apparently, cause Jabba
to fight the Jedis and help Dooku and the Emperor. I'm sure
I got the details wrong, but I really don't give a goat's dick
or the milk it makes. Even if goat dick cheese is pretty tasty.
No matter, the details of this movie are important only to very
lonely men. The the children, what matters is really cool shit
they can buy from a Lego's catalog.
movie, Anakin takes on a young, bandeau-topped Jedi trainee
named Ahsoka. It's a platonic relationship, and his real girlfriend
makes an appearance later in the movie. That won't stop the
Star Wars fan fiction freaks. I just hope it just doesn't
mean a drop in Matlock stories again. Anyway, Anakin
is supposed to be her trainer, but does very little of that.
At first he's even more surly and whiny to have a girl tagging
along. Shortly, though, they respect each other to make really
fucking tragically bad jokes; puns and shit, and right in the
middle of life-threatening situations. It's pretty damn hard
to laugh at jokes this bad, or sympathize with a character who
makes them. It's even harder when the character is derelict
in battle just to try out his new talent-show-at-the-youth-center
have the most personality. The other characters are a bone-hard
drag. The dialog is pure crap, big steaming piles of spot-on
exposition that lets nobody grow up or change, just explains
where someone else is or what needs to be done. The stiff, cheap
animation doesn't help, either, because faces barely move and
hair never does. When people walk, they sort of float over the
ground as though the background and figures aren't in sync.
Mouths don't move with the dialog, either, giving the flick
the feel of a My Little Pony straight-to-video, but with
way more shooting and explosions. Except of course, My Little
Pony: Assault on Doom Island. That flick would fucking rock
even without the horse orgies.
this thing feels more like a cheap DVD in the bin by the registers
at Wal-Mart than something for theaters. Some long shots look
okay. For the most part, though, a hell of a lot more interest
and attention has been paid to weapons and spaceships than to
people, or aliens.
Hutt, Jabba's uncle, is easily lamer than Jar Jar Binks. If
you thought you'd kick Jar Jar in the balls if you ran into
him at the Twelve-Volt Tavern, you'll want to eviscerate Zero
with Jar Jar's dick. I swear to God, it's a fat fucking frog
doing a bad, flaming Truman Capote impression. Every time that
piece of shit was on screen, I both wanted to shit my pants
in sorrow for whoever thought it was a good idea, and beat the
crap out of someone. Which is a bad idea at a kids' movie where
the person sitting next to you is seven, and using a breathing
device, so you have a 50-50 chance of actually winning the fight.
Plus, with little kids, you can always lie and say they started
it. Most folks will believe you unless you reek of cherry wine.
On top of
mostly sucking, Star Wars: Clone Wars is pretty fucking
pointless. It takes place between the second and third Star
Wars movies, so we already know what happens afterward.
And we know Anakin and Obi Wan aren't going to be hurt. Ahsoka
is peripheral. She's featured here, but totally irrelevant in
the grand scheme. So, who gives a shit about her? Besides, I
mean, those who can't wait to whip up a scene where Anakin butt
fucks her while under droid attack.
Wars: the Clone Wars is crap. Maybe little kids like it,
and maybe it'll keep them busy while the parents kill a fifth
of Jack Daniels upstairs. Probably it will spawn a another shitload
of toys to clog the toy aisles at K-Mart, thus preventing them
from expanding their selection of Members Only jackets. But
it's a soulless, cheapass cash grab, and a Two Finger
one at that.
to tell Filthy Something?