|What a retarded
movie. Holy shit, what a retarded fucking movie. I mean that in
a flattering way, because making this movie is clearly a lofty achievement
for a group of retards. That's who made Fast and The Furious
3, right? Normally intelligent people couldn't have made this,
could they? As my cousin Larry would say, this shit sets off my
"Retar-dar" like nobody's business.
So, kudos to Director Justin Lin and writer Chris
Morgan for saying "Fuck you" to the Special Olympics and creating
their own challenges in life.
The Fast and The Furious 3: Tokyo Drift
is as stupid and senseless as a 3 a.m. drunk puking in some stranger's
convertible. Believe me, I know. I meet plenty of them when I
drive the Falcon to the Tavern. Anyone with a third-grade or better
education would have to suppress logic like Candy Bottoms can
suppress her gag reflex to write, direct or act in such low-level,
idiotic crap. You know you're at the center of a shitstorm when
the villain, who is standing three inches away, says to the hero,
"You and I, we aren't so different." That a retarded person such
as Chris Morgan was able to learn to use a a computer and
scriptwriting software is a monumental accomplishment, though.
It is beside the point that it all makes not one lick of sense.
Retards made a movie!
Lucas Black, an actor who made me think the original
Fast and the Furious's Paul Walker is nearly Marlon Brando,
plays the lead, a tragic child trapped in a 30-year-old's body.
The movie says he's in high school, but some horrible aging disease
has caused him to look old enough to get a discount on his meals
From watching the Lifetime Movie Network, I know
these sorts of diseases send their victims to an early grave,
and Lucas' character clearly knows it. He acts out in violent
and unhealthy ways. In particular, he has an unhealthy obsession
with racing cars, despite the fact he shows no particular skill
at it, and nearly kills some classmates in a boneheaded lap around
a housing development. That's on top of the two previous arrests
and threats of jail time for similar, ill-conceived races.
He is ordered by the local police, while his hoochie
mother humps an officer with her eyes, to leave town or get locked
up. Well, obviously, here's a hero to root for. His moral compass
points absolutely nowhere. When he sees a nerd getting beat up
by thugs, he does nothing. When a girl he barely knows offers
herself as the prize in a race, he says "Let's do it." It's hard
not to want this guy to be a success in life or, at the very least,
to keep racing until he learns how not to kill people doing it.
Off to Japan Black goes, to live with his estranged
Army father in a tiny apartment, and attend a Japanese-language-only
school. I guess the campus on the military base for the children
of soldiers won't take the ones with aging diseases. No matter,
Black learns fluent Japanese in a few days. Not by attending school;
he mostly ditches that to help small-time thugs collect debts
and run illegal merchandise. God damn, such a nice boy. We need
more movies where the hero shows no intelligence, aptitude, moral
bearing, or personality... made by retards.
In no time, and for no good reason, Black finds
himself in the "drift" culture. Drifting is a racing maneuver
where the driver oversteers and uses torque to slide through turns.
It eats up a lot of tires. In drifting, the baddie's smirky girlfriend
(Nathalie Kelly) takes an interest in Black that is directly proportional
to how good he is at drifting. Well, fuck, what else is there
to like about him? The mutual attraction between the two bland
fuckwits creates tension that can only be resolved by lots and
lots of racing. Sometimes they do it in garages and sometimes
on streets where, for our delight, innocent bystanders get killed,
and others nearly do.
The story devolves into some horseshit about the
man Black considers his mentor being a thug and also stealing
from the Yakuza. The bad guy is also a thug but doesn't steal
from the Yakuza. The only way for Black to defend the "honor"
of his thieving, conniving mentor is drifting. The only way to
save himself from certain death at the hands of the Yakuza is,
well, drifting. The only way to win the heart of Kelly is, you
guessed it, drifting. The only thing to do on a first date is
drifting. The way to make small talk with her is to ask her why
she isn't out... drifting. The time you'll want to walk out of
this movie is when they're--wait for it-- drifting. There is lots
and lots of drifting. More drifting than there is anal in Candy
Bottoms' Fargo Gangbang 3000. So much drifting that I went
from thinking it was sort of cool to knowing I wanted to punch
the next asshole I saw in a chopped Honda Civic. If there were
no drifting , the movie would be 20 minutes long. As it is, I
figure Morgan's script is 20 pages of chunks of brutally expository
and trite dialogue punctuated by:
EXT. TOKYO - BITCHIN' NIGHT
Cars drift. Then drift some more. Cars then
drift in an extra cool way. Drifting continues.
What I find
most depressing about Fast and the Furious 3 is that it
appears to be exactly what it set out to be. Its awfulness isn't
because it failed. It succeeded because it wants to suck. It wants
to be dimwitted, obvious and loud. Nobody involved had any desire
to make more than the wet dream of a poorly socialized 13-year-old
boy. And when has it ever been a good idea to those little shits
what they want? Who thought it was entertainment to reinforce
gawky teen fantasies about how easy it would be for them later
to get dates? Do we want them thinking girls are impressed into
cocksucking simply because they have dicks?
Fuck, I don't.
I want 13-year-old boys to think they have to work their asses
off for everything they ever get, and that girls hate them now
and will hate them more in the future if they don't stop acting
like a band of braying donkeys.
Not a single
woman in this movie, including the poor mother, get out with their
dignity intact. To its credit, the story is innovative in its
objectification of women by having one sister doing it for herself.
She volunteers to let two boys have their cockfight with her as
the prize. She doesn't need a man to turn her into a piece of
meat, thank you!
do I hate movies where girls who are supposed to be hot strut
around like they're 38 years old and looking back on how hot they
were twenty years earlier. No teenage girl I have ever met has
this much confidence about herself, except as a cover for the
sort of insecurity that will lead her into porn or stripping.
It's not the actress's fault; it's the retarded director and screenwriter
who have no real-world, three-dimensional concept of what a woman
is like. To be fair, the women of The Fast and the Furious
have marginally more life to them than blow-up dolls, so at least
Lin and Morgan's imaginations filled in some blanks.
What a fucking
mess. I can tell you The Fast and the Furious 3 is a One
Finger turdball and know I won't hurt the director or writer's
feelings because, well, they don't read so good.
Want to tell Filthy Something?