is Sahara loud. That's not a compliment, but it's one
of the nicer things I can say about the frat-boy buddy bombast
of this piece of crap. In other words, it uses obnoxious and
loud as generously as--and for the same reasons--a North Las
Vegas whore uses makeup. There's some messed up shit underneath.
is sort of like seeing a lady pacing on a corner, wearing her
underwear outside her pants, banging pots and screaming. From
a distance, she looks like something interesting; maybe marriage
material. But when you get closer, you find out she's yelling
about this morning's "Cathy" comic strip and how much she loves
isn't smart enough to actually make you think of Indiana Jones
and James Bond, so it blatantly tries to link itself to them.
The lousy soundtrack has tons of Bond brass on it, and the script
tries really damn hard to ape the easy-going humor of Jones,
only succeeding to feel like an Alan Quartermain movie.
McConaughey is Dirk Pitt, some sort of conveniently supersmart
treasure hunter who believes an American Civil War ship is buried
under sand in the middle of a war-torn country in the Sahara
desert. It's a stupid gimmick that isn't worth the unbelievability.
He convinces his cigar-chomping boss (William H. Macy) to let
him and his wacky sidekick (Steve Zahn) go look for it. On their
way, the two adventurers meet with Penelope Cruz, the world's
most unlikely World Health Organization worker, unless they
choose to hire me. She needs to get to the same area to investigate
an outbreak of disease. This is one of the things that really
torqued me: we're supposed to believe Cruz is a physician, but
they don't even have the courtesy to make her the kind who takes
her top off a lot. Some spectacular tits go a long way to helping
me agree to stupid casting decisions. And I've seen enough porn
to know that doctors get naked...a lot.
For no good
or plausible reason, Cruz and McConaughey's missions are intertwined.
What follows is a mix of absurd coincidence and the kind of
bullshit that comes from laziness. The moviemakers assume we're
too fucking stupid to know better, but I got news for them:
yeah, we're stupid, but we save it for our own work. we expect
better from others.
remember the last movie with so many repetitive fights, explosions
and shit that goes fast for no good reason. I swear to God that
the director was afraid of going 30 seconds without something
blowing up. Among the relentless violence are plot points predicated
on things like Cruz and McConaughey happening upon the exact
same abandoned town in the middle of the nowhere at the exact
same time, and McConaughey's character being right about every
fucking thing. The plot makes no sense, but someone was hoping
we wouldn't notice.
What a shitty
hero this Dirk Pitt is. Who gives a fuck about a guy who is
always right? If people did, nobody'd ever listen to me because,
honestly, I'm more entertaining when I'm wrong. That's when
I'm likely to eat gravel or lose my shoes betting on who can
punch himself harder. But Sahara is all about McConaughey
making the right decision every fucking time. The audience viewer
isn't left with any suspense because we know that no matter
how big the explosions are, McConaughey will figure a way out.
McConaughey doesn't ever figure anything clever out. He usually
comes up with a solution that kills a lot of people, makes a
lot of noise and is so unlikely that it makes my nuts rise up
into the body cavity. But hey, we're just the audience and we
should shut the fuck up and enjoy all the shiny objects and
didn't have to ever second guess the hero, I had plenty of time
to consider the absolute bullshit that substituted for logic
and plotting. The plot reversals of this movie are so rote and
predictable that there's never a surprise. The buddy relationship
of Zahn and McConaugher is so textbook and based on our understanding
of buddy-movie cliches that the skip straight to the painful
one-liners. Cruz and McConaughey develop a romantic relationship
so quickly it feels like someone edited out about a half hour
of the movie.
war battleship that McConaughey is going after is called "Ship
of Death" by the locals, and apparently suffered some plague.
This is brought up and never explored. The bad guys are so predictably
bad they make Bond bad guys look subtle. In fact, like Bond
movies and the old "Batman" TV show, this one relies heavily
on bad guys who could easily solve their problems by killing
the heros. Unlike in Bond or Batman,though, this movie isn't
clever enough to make a joke out of the situation, though. In
Sahara it's just shitty scriptwriting that they're hoping
they can mask with a bomb or shootout.
To its credit,
sahara is pretty cool looking for the first half. They
moviemakers blow up shit on the Niger River, in Mali and across
the Saharan desert. There are people and places normally not
shown in movies, and it's pretty cool to see.
is pretty damn uninteresting as an actor. He sort of mugs his
way through the movie with the conviction that he's spectacular.
He's not. Zahn is saddled with nothing but one-liners as the
typical action-hero buddy who is as gay as a frat guy will admit.
He must be in love with McConaughey, or else why would he spend
all his fucking time with him, never have a girl and have no
life beyond him?
why the fuck a writer would put his name on this sort of crap?
He can't be proud. The author of the source novel, Clive Cussler,
put his name on the books because he's a shitty hack who is
worse at character development than the robotic Tom Clancy.
And because there are enough sweaty fat guys who go on vacations
to make crap novels like his profitable.
really. So much time, money and energy for something that'll
never be anyone's favorite. Not anyone you want to know, anyway.
Two Fingers for Sahara. One to stick in each ear.