The decision to make
Tron: Legacy came way before the script or any motivations
that didn't have to do with buttloads of cash. There was no
compelling artistic reason to make this movie, and it wasn't
given a green light by people who thought there was a story
to tell. This, more than most other movies, is the product of
the unholy alliance of Hollywood and fanboys. It's the baby
that a syphilitic whore and an obese asocial mouth-breather
made when they got together and fucked us all.
The fat fucking fanboys
decided there would be a new Tron long before they knew
what it was. The fat fucking fanboys slobbered and jizzed all
over their keyboards in their sad little studio and basement
apartments, or back home in the bedrooms they grew up in, where
their weight now makes the bunkbed groan as they tuck themselves
into their star Trek sheets every night. They demanded
this movie get made, they swore their allegiance to it, they
squealed over the wires about how awesome it would be, nevermind
there was no product, no concept and the original sucked purple
nurples. They are why this movie was made. Not because it deserved
it, not because the story had to be told and not because some
suffering genius had something to say.
The fat fucking fanboys
wanted Tron: Legacy purely because Disney made a shitty
movie called Tron 28 years ago that was about computers.
Fanboys love computers because they connect to the Internet,
because they don't ask questions or laugh at you. The 1982 Tron
was an awful, boring movie with a preposterous story and some
cool-for-the-time computer graphics. To the fat fucking fanboys,
a remake, or continuation of that shitty movie, further validates
their conviction that it's okay to never grow up, that the shit
they loved when they were ten was and is the best stuff ever
to be created. For the fat fucking fanboys, it is easier to
perpetuate that conviction than to try to understand the adult
world around them.
Rather than mature
and acquire grownup tastes of nuance, subtlety and intellectual
discourse, the fat fucking fanboys haul their childhoods everywhere
they go in Radio Flyers. They cling to Star Wars and
comic books, they pretend to be knights at Renaissance Faires,
and they learn to speak Klingon. They care more about Call
of Duty than world peace. They insist The Dark Knight
is literature because claiming that is easier than understanding
actual literature, what with all those words.
Not growing up isn't
such a bad thing, although, it was ultimately sad for Peter
Pan, and he actually got out of the house and did stuff. It's
only sad because the fat fucking fanboys, now adults, have provided
nothing to society except more dreck for fat fucking fanboys
to consume. Now that they're adults, they have more disposable
income and time to whine and moan. The Internet and their dollars
give them ways to demand that the world pretend their childhood
obsessions are acceptable for adults to indulge in. They want
us all to think that Superman, Spiderman, Batman and all of
their other childhood fantasies are all grown up, too. They
aren't just men in tights anymore, they are dark brooding characters
with rich backstories. Hollywood let's them believe they're
right because it's incredibly popular. Real grown ups don't
stand up to them because they have lives and shit to do, and
the hue of Daredevil's hotpants just isn't important.
Comparing the fat
fucking fanboys' make-believe heroes with anything in the real
adult world is superficial and convenient. Nietzsche is Nietzsche,
Batman is not. Tron is not an elegant essay on the role
of technology in our lives. It may pretend to be at a surface
level, but that's just cynical marketing. Any look past the
surface reveals that it has nothing to say. It's about computers
and people, but not in any profound way, and with nothing to
say about how they affect our human condition. It's cheap, pointless,
shitty entertainment brought to you on demand by fat fucking
I'm sure Disney was
more than happy to resurrect a dead product for the fat fucking
fanboys digging deeper into the toyboxes of their youth for
entertainment, rather than look for something age-appropriate.
Hell, if crack were legal, Disney would be happy to sell that
to them, too. It's not, though, so Tron: Legacy will
have to do.
Jeff Bridges reprises
his role in Tron as a software engineer who gets trapped
in "The Grid", which is either one computer, or one application,
or every computer and all software. Through contrived bullshit,
Bridges can't return from the ethereal Grid and leaves a young
son behind. When the son (Garrett Hedlund) grows up, he enters
the Grid to find his father, and the two of them must race to
get out. The ticking timebomb of a closing portal to the outside
world is arbitrary. The way into the Grid is arbitrary. The
bad guys and most of the action inside the Grid is silly and,
wait for it, arbitrary. There are no rules that create boundaries
for the movie, so it does whatever the fuck it pleases. The
result is that the audience doesn't know the limits of what
may and may not happen, so we're stuck watching and waiting
for it to end without a sense of tension.
Inside the Grid,
Bridges is held captive by a younger version of himself named
Klu. Klu is the program he created years ago. It doesn't age
while he does, so the movie uses that creepy Robert Zemeckis
motion-capture shit to make an animated younger Bridges. It's
supposed to dazzle us, but the cartoon dude looks fake, with
very little movement is his smooth skin and such dead eyes that
it gave me the willies to watch. It's distracting as fuck, too.
plot is the standard "we must escape before the portal closes"
horseshit. The older Bridges has what is supposed to be a hot
sidekick, a chick played by Olivia Wilde, who gives furtive
glances but doesn't really have much to do other than look hot.
Michael Sheen does a long, cheesy, horrific impersonation of
Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange. I don't know
why, and I wish he hadn't.
As in the original,
there are light cycles playing Snafu, disc warriors and light
planes that shoot laser beam machine guns. The action sequences
are doled out sparingly, and separated by too many boring people
talking about nonsense with too much seriousness. Even though
Tron: Legacy is supremely silly, nobody in it except
Bridges seems to recognize that, or have the skill to express
that. They all think this is really fucking important shit.
The fat fucking fanboys
will tell you it's not about the plot, though. What matters
to them is that it got made because they wanted it to. They
are predetermined to love it, to demand a sequel, and to ascribe
all sorts of significance to it, just as they have with their
other childhood toys. They'll also rave about how fucking cool
It doesn't look cool.
Tron: Legacy looks as good as computers and a lack of
imagination can make it look. Actually, I thought it mostly
looked like kids at a rave party with a blacklight: strips of
neon and bright colors in a sea of black. For contrast, there
are a few blindingly white scenes, as though an iMac circa 2003
threw up. While the movie is loaded with special effects, the
design is slavishly based on Tron. There is little artistic
invention, and no new spectacle, just the same old shit, only
now rendered by better computers and in 3D (for the rich fucks
or the fat fucking fanboys who can afford it because they don't
pay rent to their parents).
You can thank the
fat fucking fanboys for the lack of originality. They don't
want original because that takes imagination, which they don't
have. They want it to be just the same as what they saw as a
kid, so they can compare and revel in detail, and they can be
vindicated that their childhoods deserve to endure. Disney is
only too happy to do that for them. Something new is a risk,
but the same old shit is money in the bank.
The point of Tron:
Legacy was never to make a good movie, though. It was to
make what the fanboys wanted. They wanted a ten-pound sack of
shit, and that's what they got. Had it been a movie, they'd
have been pissed. They want what the want, and Disney delivers.One
to tell Filthy Something?