people get pretty fucking excited and nutso when they think they've
discovered something. I remember calling National Geographic
when I discovered this concrete shaft near Lake Rhoda that I believe
was never known to man until I found it. I mean, how fucking cool
folks at National Geographic wanted nothing to do with
the story of the Filthy Shaft; something about needing space for
a pictorial on naked African chicks. Still, I told everyone I
knew about the shaft, and bragged how it has been there for centuries,
maybe millenniums, as an unknown treasure. And did the Dorito
bag and Mountain Dew can at the bottom of this previously unknown
treasure mean that our civilization was created in the distant
past by space aliens geek programmers? Good question for archeologists
to answer, although I have to confess that the discovery site
has been defaced. A man's gotta go some place to take a shit when
he feels unwanted at home and ate too many bean and cheese burritos
from the 7-Eleven.
think people go into low-budget movies with the same attitude,
thinking that because it's small and poorly made that it is their
discovery, and they take pride in it and cut it some slack. It's
like the Olympics, where some assholes get a swelled head because
of the actions of some stranger, just because you're from the
same country, or because you paid nine bucks to see their movie.
gotta be what's going on with this crap-ass, whiny independent
movie Open Water. Man, there just ain't much there, and
still a lot of people talk it up. It's because it was made cheap,
so it feels like some sort of discovery. While big budget often
means lousy script and too many hacks spending the money, low-budget
doesn't automatically mean quality. Some people think so, but
they are usually the pretentious sorts of assholes who see their
movies in theaters where cappuccino and brie are served.
sure as hell don't have to be smart or have a good idea to have
no money. Look at me. Any jackass with no money can make a movie,
and do a shitty job. So I ain't cutting no slack for a movie that
was made cheap, because I still have to pay nine boners to see
it. Look, I'm not asking for fancy special effects or big stars.
I'll settle for decent dialogue, a good story and some tits. Open
Water has a flash of tits, five minutes of good story, and
no good dialogue whatsoever.
on a true story that'd make a good cocktail party anecdote, Open
Water is the tale of two whiny yuppies who get left behind
by their diving boat in shark-infested waters. Perhaps the story
would be more interesting if you didn't know the couple dies in
the end. But now we all know that. The movie's objective, then,
is to pad out 79 minutes between its start and its inevitable
Water pads out its playing time with brutally boring shots
of people packing, unpacking, lying in bed, almost fucking, whining
and bickering with passive-aggressiveness, and finally bobbing
around in the water saying "What's that?", "I felt something!"
and "Don't look! Don't look!" The repetition gets tiresome faster
riding a bicycle while smoking unfiltered Lucky Strikes.
think the point is to show us an average couple stuck in extraordinary
circumstances, but these people aren't average enough to be worth
giving a shit about. Actually, maybe they're average for the people
you'd find drinking at the bar in an Applebee's. But I don't drink
at Applebee's for that reason. I hate whiny, pushy, career-obsessed
stereotypes more than I hate soft-core porn. The movie makes a
few clumsy stabs at defining the couple's relationship, showing
they are tired of the tedium and bored with each other. The movie
goes for a low-budget feel of realness, but for that I can watch
moms slapping their kids around at K-Mart. Reality is fine, but
I want a more interesting reality that reveals more than this
from my movies.
fuck if this isn't one cheap-ass looking movie. It wears its cheapness
like a badge of honor, but low-budget should only be something
to be proud of when you don't spend the whole God damn time in
the theater thinking about how cheap it looks. The cinematography
is B-grade repetition of the same images. It's close-up of the
struggling couple, followed by a medium shot of water and sky,
then back again. The sharks thrashing about even get to be pretty
redundant. The continuity is appalling with the sky changing from
light to dark and back and cloudy to sunny without much consistency.
The water takes on different colors from shot to shot. And the
picture quality is worse than an eight-millimeter film I once
saw of a woman fucking an elk and then being trampled by it. Well,
it was either that or a high-school driver's training film. Like
I said, the picture quality sucked. Either way, man, did that
movie give me a hard-on. The digital video images are flat, blurry
and better suited to a television than a movie screen.
Open Water is a pretty bad fucking movie. Probably the
better story is how it was made using real sharks, but I didn't
pay to see that. Two Fingers for Open Water.
Filthy || Want to tell Filthy