by Jimmy Critic
the last place to go." I dare you to tell me that little line
from Star Trek doesn't send a chill up your spine. That
is, if you are still alive. If you are a member of the undead,
it probably doesn't. Sadly, I am still alive. I am James P.
Critic, formerly Necron, formerly Jimmy Critic, world's biggest
Star Treks fan. I am going to legally change my name
as a tribute to the great Starship Commander, James P. Kirk.
And I have returned to discuss what my Uncle Filthy is too weak
and craven to speak of with knowledge. That is, the "very last
place to go," as they say in all things Star Treks.
Star Treks fans and then there are true, dyed-in-the-wool
Star Treks fans, those of us who refer to each other
Trekiacs. The "fans" are the people who don't have the pajamas
or the collector cups from 7-11, or know that Colonel James
P. Kirk once made love to the moon. The "fans" don't
even care about the little details, all they want are space
battles and intergalactic romance. On the other hand, the dedicated,
lifelong Trekiacs like myself know all, memorize all, and live
life the Trek way. That means that we journey to the
žlast place to goÓ of fandom. Ask me any Star Treks question
and I know the answer.
Take a look around
you, no matter where you are. Who's the coolest guy you see?
That's right, it's the guy with the pair of Dr. Spock ears on.
Unless you're at Game Fortress on 64th Avenue right now. Then
it's me. I'm wearing two pairs. Second place goes to the Eastern
European lady sitting on the floor. I am fluent in Klingon:
"Plok Ding Dong Ding Dong." That means, "Greetings from the
future, where I am your warrior ruler."
I was in line five days early so I could be in the audience
of the very first screening of the new Star Treks: The Movie:
2. All the cool people were. In other words, just me.Most
people but Trekiacs don't know this, but there was a previous
Star Treks movie and spawned a very popular TV show of
the same name, that often had guest stars like the Harlem Globetrotters
and Redd Foxx as guest space aliens. I have seen the original
movie about a kajillion times on TV, mostly a half hour at a
time. In the old one, Boll Weevils ate Mr. Roarke's ears and
James P. Kirk won a new starship in a lottery. And then they
go to San Francisco and have tacos.
In the new Star
Treks: The Movie: 2, we get what those in the know call
an origin story. How did James P. Kirk become a starship commander
for the Enterprise Group? And when did Dr. Spock stop writing
baby books and become a Vulgan? Well, the second question doesn't
get answered, but the Dr. Spock totally meets himself as an
old guy who got taller and different looking. It's super-awesome!
The first question, though, does get answered.
James P. Kirk's dad,
starship commander Jean Luc Godard, dies in childbirth and little
baby Kirk gets shuttled to earth. Since he has no father and
he grows up in Kansas, he is crazy and gets in a lot of fights
right near one of the spaceships that grows in the corn fields.
Because he fights all the time and his dad was a great starfighter,
James P. Kirk is invited to be a space captain. He agrees and
gets to fly the biggest starship ever. Except, Dr. Spock doesn't
like him. See, he is Mormon, so he never gets really mad and
doesn't drink soda. Plus, I heard they wear magic underwear.
Kirk is a hothead, probably an Episcopalean because they're
really moody. So he must prove to Dr. Spock that his hotheadedness
is just as good as being calm, cool and emotionless.
Secretly, Dr. Spock
has a lot of emotion. They don't come right out and say it,
but I think he is hot for his own mom. When she gets destroyed
by this gang of tattooed bikers traveling through space inside
a giant, mechanical squid, Dr. Spock wants to get revenge but
he needs James P. Kirk to help him.
And he needs his
future self to help out. Or, rather, James P. Kirk meets Dr.
Spock's future self, who explains to him that it's okay to help
young Dr. Spock because they will be friends later. So, James
P. Kirk helps Dr. Spock and they blow up the giant squid. In
the process, they free this other guy who is a starship commander.
I don't know who he is. He seemed sort of boring, though.
Is Star Treks:
The Movie: 2 awesome? No. It is super-duper-awesome. Probably
the best movie ever. Is it perfect? No. Only because they want
to make more Star Treks movies. There is a lot missing.
For one, there is no Bork. That is an amorphous entity that
metes out conservative justice in space. It was a big part of
the TV show. Similarly, there are no klingons. That kind of
sucked, because if there were, I would have translated what
they said for the people sitting around me. No Seven of Nine,
a set of sexy septuplets I heard were played by real septuplets.
There is also no Captain Jane Goodall. She was this sort of
chunky lady that commanded a spaceship on TV. I later saw her
selling cookies at the mall. Neither was there a Wesley Wheaton
nor a Beep-Beep, my favorite character. He was played a pasty-skinned
droid-like guy who knew a lot of stuff. Sort of like Ken Jennings.
He would walk around going žBeep! Beep!Ó and everyone loved
As I watched the
movie, I also didn't like how all the old people from the original
movie and the TV movie it spawned were not in this movie. During
the movie, I kept expecting to see the old, fat James P. Kirk
pop up, or maybe instead of that weaselly -looking guy that
plays Dutchie in this version, they would have gotten the old,
fat guy who was him in the original series. And there is no
gay Japanese guy, or the girl who used to wear Ugg boots in
Turns out, all the
old people are in the movie. I read on the Internet that there
is a bonus scene after the credits. All the old people are in
it, even the dead ones. So, stay to see that. It's like, thirty
minutes after the credits, so you really have to wait for it,
and if people start coming in for the next screening, just yell
at them to wait outside. You'll be glad you did.
Treks gets my second highest rating. One infinity minus
one. I am deducting one so I have a score to give the sequel.
This is James P. Critic, signing off from my Star Diary, date
zero-four-zero-thirteen. Space is the very last place to go.
As the Vulgans say: žLive a long and proper lifeÓ
to join my face at Facebook.
to tell Filthy Something?