the thing that sucks about going to kids' movies: kids. They're
everywhere, and if you haven't already noticed, kids are, like,
retarded. Honest to God, they just aren't that smart. Have you
ever heard six-year olds talk about where babies come from?
Some people think it's cute and shit, but, come on, they don't
even mention Candy Bottoms or the integral role porn plays in
be the one to explain that to them. Trust me on that, okay?
I went to
see Nim's Island this weekend. It's a kid flick about
a girl who lives on a remote island and loves the stories an
adventure writer who turns out to be very different than the
character in the books. Pretty standard, sweet, icky stuff,
except for the fucking brat in the seat next to me.
Island, Jodie Foster plays the world's most annoying writer.
She's an agoraphobe with obsessive-compulsive behavior who writes
action-adventure novels starring a swashbuckling man with her
name, Alex Rover. To amplify how annoying she is, her adventurer
comes to life and she speaks to him (Gerard Butler).
On a remote
island, Abigail Breslin lives with her fat-faced marine biologist
father (Gerard Butler, again). She is home-schooled and sleeps
in a treehouse with a farty sea lion, which I'm sure is a living
condition banned by the Geneva Convention. Her other friends
are a bearded dragon and pelican, whom she names and thinks
talk to her.
for a moment the movie's dubious assumption that a child raised
in solitude is going to be in any way normal. If we learned
anything from Candy Bottoms' 1984 sociological classic "The
Lonely Cuntress", it's that when lone savages from remote islands
(or some big backyard in the San Fernando Valley) are introduced
to society they go crazy, cannot speak, and express themselves
solely through depraved sexual acts. That doesn't happen in
Nim's Island, thank God, since it's just her and her
father (although, the deserted island reminds me of another
Candy Bottoms' classic, the anal adventure Poo Lagoon).
The point is, Breslin is supposed to be a cute, precocious eleven-year
old, and she's not. She's just mildly creepy, and so is her
leaves her to go hunting protozoa on the open sea, Breslin is
alone on the island. A monsoon rips through the island, tearing
up the treehouse. It also knocks out the satellite equipment
on Butler's boat, and tears up the ship. To make matters worse,
their private island has been discovered by a cruise ship whose
crew plans to turn its pristine shores into a resort for fat
In her father's
absence absence, Breslin falls down the side of a volcano and
gives herself a nasty cut. Her idol, Alex Rover (Foster) coincidentally
e-mails to ask her father for some help with the details of
her new book. That begins a penpal relationship between the
girl and woman, where both have a misconception of the other.
Breslin's increasingly desperate pleas for help make Foster
realize she's dealing with a kid, and draw the agoraphobe out
of her house and halfway around the world to help Breslin.
does help. She gets to the island after the girl has already
fought off the threats. Foster does, however, get there in time
for Butler to return from being lost at sea just so the movie
can suggest that maybe there will be a little sex in the future.
Of course, it's a kid's movie, so they don't really say it,
but if there's romance, there's going to be penises entering
set some new mark for unlikable heroines. She is so fucking
annoying I wished the movie were in 3-D so I could wring her
neck. She's so Goddamn corny as she hops around and acts neurotic
about her fear of going outside, or slathering her hands in
Purell (an obnoxious product plug). It's not rooted in any reality,
just the over-the-top bullshit of an unfunny person trying to
to make laughs out of an trite character. Every time she was
onscreen, the scene went as limp and dead as zombie dick. I
have no idea why the movie thinks we give a shit about Foster
overcoming her fear of the outdoors, but it's the only reward
the audience gets for watching her go for a Special Olympics
Oscar for ninety minutes. She doesn't help the girl and she
doesn't experience any real excitement.
no better. Her character has almost no personality. Well, she's
plucky and resourceful, but only as much as the story requires,
and never in any clever way. That's overwhelmed with treacly
bullshit like her dancing with a sea lion or crying for her
father, who seems to do nothing while lost at sea except yell
at the heavens "I'll be back. I swear I'll come home!" That's
the way of Nim's Island, though, nothing clever or exciting.
Not even a lot of noise.
is also heavy with bad computer graphics. The pelican, lizard
and sea lion, as well as some sharks that predictably circle
the father's boat, look cheap and fake. Especially when they
open their mouths to squawk communications, or haul tool belts
across the ocean. Bad animation sucks, but it sucks even harder
when it wasn't necessary to begin with.
annoying kid in the theater. I would guess he was about six
and he leans over to me early in the movie and says, "Alex Rover
is real." It took a minute to figure out whether the little
shit meant really real, or real as in not a figment of Foster's
imagination. He meant the latter. I politely told him, "Don't
be stupid." He insisted he was real. Then his mother gave me
a dirty look.
it was pretty damn obvious, even to little, tiny babies, that
the adventurer wasn't real, I nudged the kid and asked, "Still
think he's real?" The kid frowned so I asked him, "Say it. Say
it, punk, say it." And he did.
I'm an adult,
in case you didn't know, so I reacted like an adult. I gently
leapt from my seat and yelled, "In your face, you stupid little
twerp!" That's when the ushers came.
Stupid movie. Two Fingers for Nim's Island.
to tell Filthy Something?