Archives Ratings Mrs. Filthy Gooden Worsted

Ladies and Gentlemen,

For those of you who didn't fill out a survey for the Filthy Fucking Readers' Choices, I have a simple message: Go to fucking hell, you Mrs. Butterworth-guzzling cunt-nappers. You fuckers don't deserve to be reading the hard work of your colleagues. In fact, if I could, I would pop out of your screen and gash your eyeballs open right now.

Alas, I have no control, so you lazy jerk-offs better thank those who voted for doing a hell of a job. Voters, I salute you, and with more than one finger, too. I also salute the AOL users who tried to submit polls, but they came in blank. I don't know why that happened but I probably fucked up somewhere.

Without further ado, I present to you, the Filthy Fucking Readers' Choices for 1999.

1. Shitstain on the Underwear of Cinema - Worst Acting
The actor and actress who sucked the worst during 1999 receive this award. The readers voted for more than 50 different men and women receiving at least one vote. You know what? You were all right. All the fucking actors and actresses you nominated sucked the pus out of a filthy whore's armpits. There's no question about that. Even though 1999 was a pretty good year for flicks, there was no shortage of shitty acting.
Among the male actors, Adam Sandler was deemed the biggest shitstain on what must be a truly filthy pair of underwear. Readers were mostly too pissed off about Sandler and his girlfriend Rob Schneider to say anything, but they sure as hell open the floodgates on poor old hairy hunchback Robin Williams. "Robin's back-and-forth pandering, simpering 'Give me an Oscar' performances and moronic hyped on crystal meth shtick stopped being funny about 15 years ago." Another reader demanded to know "Why the fuck is Robin Williams obsessed with us loving him? If he makes any more sappy vanity projects I may have to decapitate him, poke his eyes out and urinate in his skull." Another writer, who claimed I would take credit for his or her work said that "Ben Affleck is Hitler." I disagree. I think Ben Affleck is one of Hitler's stinky shits that floats in the bowl.

Among the ladies, I am pleased to report that star-fucker Gwyneth Paltrow got her comeuppance. What an annoying, unhealthy manipulator she is. Heather Graham tied her, but I bet the ladies did that to piss off us men. Well, hell, as one reader said "Heather Graham only gets negative points for being such a hopelessly shitty actress. (But) any time she wants to come over and ride my big boy, she's more than welcome." I agree, however in my case it is an "Olympic-sized cock." You people have no idea how badly how I want to play with her tits. About America's least favorite sea-hag, Ms. Courtney Love, a sharp-eyed reader said "I can't say filthy words because I''m a lady, not an out of control, look-I-fucked-Ed-Norton-so-I-can-act, beastly piece of ass like Courtney Love." Well, really, who is? I personally doubt Courtney Love is anything more than a national hallucination.

2. I'm Glad You Were a Big Enough Loser to Take Up Acting
The flipside to all that shitty overacting is the occasional brilliant performance. Hell, we were treated to some fine acting this year. Not enough to make up for Sandler and Paltrow, but enough to deserve our gratitude.
This was the biggest winner of the awards. Kevin Spacey wonit with more than three times the next highest number of votes. It's hard to argue wih that, so instead I will pick a bone with the fucks who voted for Ben Affleck. For what? "Forces of Nature?" Give me a fucking break. Actually, I will cut you pricks some slack, because I bet you did that just to piss me off. And I'm all for pissing off me. JOhn Malkovich is a legit choice. he was the best thing about his movie in the opinion of yours truly. And, it was nice to see John C. Reilly get some votes. Fuck, that guy seems to be flying under most everyone else's radar for his work in "Magnolia." Oops, I forgot. Some of you numbnuts didn't like that movie. Also, one lonely soul voted for Keanu Reeves, but she put "hee-hee" next to her vote. That means she doesn't think he can act. She just hoped he would somehow know she voted for him and come over and give her a tongue bath. Sorry, lady, I ain't passing your name on no matter how much Keanu begs.

Hats off to you, readers! You guys actually voted for Reese Witherspoon, something those inbred pud-pullers in the Academy won't do. You know why? Because "Election" wasn't an "important" movie like "The Other Sister." Fuck 'em. They're too busy sucking Tom Hanks' cornhole. However, as one reader said, ""Witherspoon only gets kudos for Election, not for the other crap she's put out." None of you voted for her because of "Cruel Intentions," did you? I didn't think so. Anette Bening and Hilary Swank also get high praise, although I wasn't so enamored with Bening. I suppose you readers have a right to be wrong. And Winona Ryder? Did she take off her top in something and I missed it? Special note to the guy who said "Julianne Moore makes me shoot my wad, you asshole." Good for you, you can have that craggy redhead to yourself. I'll just keep playing with Heather Graham's tits.

3. Snot-Sucking Bullshit - Worst Movie
Oh boy, if you put together all the money we were suckered into paying for some of this shit, we could have bought a highly-qualified thug to clip off Rob Schneider's tiny dick. Next year, let's coordinate a little better.
No fuckin' shit. Superstar and Deuce Bigalow were fucking awful, but those talentless hacks at Saturday Night Live have more embarrassing disasters headed our way in 2000. I ask you, by now is it rational to argue that Slobodan Milosevic should be hunted when we could more easily kill Lorne Michaels and end just as much intolerable suffering? One reader admitted "I didn't actually see that Mary Catherine Gallagher movie, but the commercials were so painful I voted for it anyway. Feel free to discount my vote if you want." No, sir, your vote gets full value in my world. I was surprised so many people hated "Phantom Menace." I bet you were pissed that it sucked compared to what you expected because, really, you won't convince me it was worse than Deuce Fucking Bigalow. Said one reader, "I am not really a Star Wars nut (uh-huh, sure)... but the sheer incompetence of the film, particularly when you figure that this guy had all the time in the world, all the wealth, all the technical talent at hand that he could have given us something really special and simultaneously told Hollywood to go blow it out their asses and he fucking lets his ego get the better of him." A strong argument with poor grammar. That's acceptable to the Filthy Critic! A "Bone Collector" hater said, "My ass still hurts from the savage reaming I received at the hands of Philip Noyce and Jeremy Iacone... After they took my money, Denzel and Anjelina took turns pissing on my face during the two hour rectal invasion." I couldn't have said it better myself. Honestly. But let's not forget "Forces of Nature," "Mod Squad," "The Bachelor," "Wild Wild West" and Fight Club." By the way, "Fight Club was the only movie I walked out of during 1999.

4. That Movie Was so Great I Want to Fuck the Director - Best Movie
You guys have some pretty good taste. Not a single person voted for "The Bachelor" for best movie. For that you deserve honorary free admission to all Wes Anderson movies. But, I have no control over that, so don't fucking ask.
It's no fucking surprise that American Beauty won. But, I was more pleased to see some ignored movies get votes. "Rushmore," "Magnolia" and "Election" all fared well with you, the highly intelligent eaders. And to the reader who said "Magnolia? What the fuck were you thinking?" I was thinking of coming over while you were sleeping and crapping in your mouth, you ungrateful motherfucker. Magnolia kicked my ass, but I didn't see it until 2000. That reader also said Magnolia "cribbed the frog scene from the 'Encyclopedia Brown Book of Amazing Facts.'" Oh, really? Well then, smart guy, how come I didn't see Bugs Meany anywhere? For you "Sixth Sense" fans, I ask, "What the fuck" I sat through that overrated hogwash while stranded in a snowstorm in Billings, Montana. I would have rather already been at my father-in-law's, being told how worthless I am and to stop drinking his Goddamn beer. Did you people fail to notice that Bruce Willis was in it?

5. Fuck You, Ben Affleck
And now the "Lack of Lifetime Achievement Award." If this were the Oscars we'd have Whoopi Goldberg hand it out, that's how shitty it is. Meanwhile, you guys had no problem pointing fingers at the assholes who screwed you worst in 1999.
It makes sense that most of you didn't select Ben Affleck. I mean, hell, that fucker has to live with himself every day, and that's worse than anything we can say. Again, George Lucas was your target. Come on, folks, you gotta admit that Jar Jar was pretty fucking cute. and Jake Lloyd? The next Brando! Robin Williams tied for first and received more hateful comments than anyone else. Someone asked for a special "Fuck you, John Travolta, you Goddamn fat Scientology mutha fucka." But if I did that I would probably be killed by Scientology goons. Besides, there will be plenty of time to make fun of that tub of lard when his "Battlefield Earth" comes out this year. Another reader shared my sentiment when he or she wrote, "Kevin Smith doesn't have the talent that a gerbil up Richard Gere's butt-hole has up its butt-hole." That's got to be one small and smelly gerbil.

6. What About Filthy?
In the year 2000, more than 50% of the readers said I should "way more filthy," while another 12% said "more filthy." For the seven people who said I should be "way less filthy," this was a trick question. There's no fucking way I will be less filthy, unless that's what Heather Graham wants. For the rest of you: Who's your daddy? Who's your filthy fucking, foul-mouthed, couch-humping daddy? It's me.

You folks also said overwhelmingly that I should "Keep on keepin' on." I'm sure trying, but I got to tell you the job search is going slow. I thought I had a job at the new Conoco, but then I cussed at the cashier on my way out. So, the cash is getting low and there ain't no credit card company that's gonna give me one of their fancy cards. If you know of a gas station in Arvada, Colorado that needs a full-service pump jockey, let me know. I want to be able to buy the finer things in life for Mrs. Filthy. I know I joke about Heather Graham, but Mrs. Filthy's stuck by me through the hard times and she's really making her fabric store paycheck stretch a long ways these days. I'd just love to take her on a shopping spree at Spencer Gifts some day to show her how special she is.

A whopping 82.5% of you said you would join me for the Academy Awards. You guys better not fucking stand me up because I ain't gonna sit in a chat room all night by myself. As the night of those horseshit awards gets closer, I'll give you more info. In the meantime - do any of you folks know how to set up a chat thing? I sure as hell don't. E-mail me if you do.

7. Your Foul Mouths
This is where your dirty little pricks shined brightest. I asked for your filthiest phrases, and Good God, did you let rip. Here are my favorite Filthy phrases (by the way, I'll be using them this year in my reviews).

Eat smeg. fuckhead!
Bite my ass
It was so good my syphlitic-ridden hard-on ripped straight through my pants!!!
teabagging rim-jobbers
Fuck the skull of Freddie Prinze Jr.
Cum-belching road-whore
I'm the best, and this is my dog. And you can suck HIS dick.
Pissing battery acid
Greasy pigfucker
Slack-jawed. jizz-gurgling. come-drunk faggot
Cunt Nappin' Bitch
Sperm burping gutter slut (for Sandra Bullock)
(Insert film, actor, actress) sucked big. fat. hairy. lice-infested donkey sacs.
Watching this was almost as fun as decompacting my Great-Grandmother with my tongue.
I've had more fun fucking a dead pig than seeing _____.
Fuck you, you cancer eating mutherfucker!
Cock sucking cum-bucket
Get your dick outta the peanut butter, 'cause you're fuckin' nuts!
Dildo-humping donkey-fucker
Ass-fisting good!
Jesus fucking Mary on the couch Christ!
You motherfucking shit-eating cockmaster
The only thing this flick is worth is jack shit...and Jack just left the building.
What the hell were they doing when they made this movie....Finger Fucking each other?
That was worse than ass on a stick!
It sucked scissors
Those Hollywood ass worshipping rim jobbers
David Spade can lick crusty deodorant from my armpits if he ever has the audacity to act in a romantic lead again.

Okay, kids, that's it. I know I promised the Filthies this week, too, but more of you little shits voted than I expected, and I ain't so good at making charts and stuff. So, next week we'll have the Filthies. And yes, I will tell you what all the celebrities wear to the ceremony. I hope to God Barbra Streisand doesn't show up and eat all the Vienna Sausages again. As usual, if you got something you want to tell me, just fucking do it.

By the way, thank you to those who filled out the survey. It was cool.

©2000 Big Empire Industries. All Fucking Rights Reserved.

 Big Empire  Post-it Theater  Las Vegas  The Gift ElectroniquÈ  Big Empire Buddies