Ladies and Gentlemen,
For those of you who didn't fill out a
survey for the Filthy Fucking Readers' Choices, I have
a simple message: Go to fucking hell, you Mrs. Butterworth-guzzling
cunt-nappers. You fuckers don't deserve to be reading the hard
work of your colleagues. In fact, if I could, I would pop out
of your screen and gash your eyeballs open right now.
Alas, I have no control, so you lazy jerk-offs
better thank those who voted for doing a hell of a job. Voters,
I salute you, and with more than one finger, too. I also salute
the AOL users who tried to submit polls, but they came in blank.
I don't know why that happened but I probably fucked up somewhere.
Without further ado, I present to you,
the Filthy Fucking Readers' Choices for 1999.
1. Shitstain on the Underwear of
Cinema - Worst Acting
The actor and actress who sucked the worst during 1999 receive
this award. The readers voted for more than 50 different men
and women receiving at least one vote. You know what? You were
all right. All the fucking actors and actresses you nominated
sucked the pus out of a filthy whore's armpits. There's no question
about that. Even though 1999 was a pretty good year for flicks,
there was no shortage of shitty acting.
the male actors, Adam Sandler was deemed the biggest shitstain
on what must be a truly filthy pair of underwear. Readers were
mostly too pissed off about Sandler and his girlfriend Rob Schneider
to say anything, but they sure as hell open the floodgates on
poor old hairy hunchback Robin Williams. "Robin's back-and-forth
pandering, simpering 'Give me an Oscar' performances and moronic
hyped on crystal meth shtick stopped being funny about 15 years
ago." Another reader demanded to know "Why the fuck
is Robin Williams obsessed with us loving him? If he makes any
more sappy vanity projects I may have to decapitate him, poke
his eyes out and urinate in his skull." Another writer,
who claimed I would take credit for his or her work said that
"Ben Affleck is Hitler." I disagree. I think Ben Affleck
is one of Hitler's stinky shits that floats in the bowl.
|Among the ladies, I am pleased to report that star-fucker
Gwyneth Paltrow got her comeuppance. What an annoying,
unhealthy manipulator she is. Heather Graham tied her,
but I bet the ladies did that to piss off us men. Well, hell,
as one reader said "Heather Graham only gets negative points
for being such a hopelessly shitty actress. (But) any time she
wants to come over and ride my big boy, she's more than welcome."
I agree, however in my case it is an "Olympic-sized cock."
You people have no idea how badly how I want to play with her
tits. About America's least favorite sea-hag, Ms. Courtney Love,
a sharp-eyed reader said "I can't say filthy words because
I''m a lady, not an out of control, look-I-fucked-Ed-Norton-so-I-can-act,
beastly piece of ass like Courtney Love." Well, really,
who is? I personally doubt Courtney Love is anything more than
a national hallucination.
2. I'm Glad You Were a Big Enough
Loser to Take Up Acting
The flipside to all that shitty overacting is the occasional
brilliant performance. Hell, we were treated to some fine acting
this year. Not enough to make up for Sandler and Paltrow, but
enough to deserve our gratitude.
|This was the biggest winner of the awards. Kevin
Spacey wonit with more than three times the next highest
number of votes. It's hard to argue wih that, so instead I will
pick a bone with the fucks who voted for Ben Affleck. For what?
"Forces of Nature?" Give me a fucking break. Actually,
I will cut you pricks some slack, because I bet you did that
just to piss me off. And I'm all for pissing off me. JOhn Malkovich
is a legit choice. he was the best thing about his movie in the
opinion of yours truly. And, it was nice to see John C. Reilly
get some votes. Fuck, that guy seems to be flying under most
everyone else's radar for his work in "Magnolia." Oops,
I forgot. Some of you numbnuts didn't like that movie. Also,
one lonely soul voted for Keanu Reeves, but she put "hee-hee"
next to her vote. That means she doesn't think he can act. She
just hoped he would somehow know she voted for him and come over
and give her a tongue bath. Sorry, lady, I ain't passing your
name on no matter how much Keanu begs.
|Hats off to you, readers! You guys actually voted
for Reese Witherspoon, something those inbred pud-pullers
in the Academy won't do. You know why? Because "Election"
wasn't an "important" movie like "The Other Sister."
Fuck 'em. They're too busy sucking Tom Hanks' cornhole. However,
as one reader said, ""Witherspoon only gets kudos for
Election, not for the other crap she's put out." None of
you voted for her because of "Cruel Intentions," did
you? I didn't think so. Anette Bening and Hilary Swank also get
high praise, although I wasn't so enamored with Bening. I suppose
you readers have a right to be wrong. And Winona Ryder? Did she
take off her top in something and I missed it? Special note to
the guy who said "Julianne Moore makes me shoot my wad,
you asshole." Good for you, you can have that craggy redhead
to yourself. I'll just keep playing with Heather Graham's tits.
3. Snot-Sucking Bullshit - Worst
Oh boy, if you put together all the money we were suckered into
paying for some of this shit, we could have bought a highly-qualified
thug to clip off Rob Schneider's tiny dick. Next year, let's
coordinate a little better.
|No fuckin' shit. Superstar and Deuce
Bigalow were fucking awful, but those talentless hacks at
Saturday Night Live have more embarrassing disasters headed our
way in 2000. I ask you, by now is it rational to argue that Slobodan
Milosevic should be hunted when we could more easily kill Lorne
Michaels and end just as much intolerable suffering? One reader
admitted "I didn't actually see that Mary Catherine Gallagher
movie, but the commercials were so painful I voted for it anyway.
Feel free to discount my vote if you want." No, sir, your
vote gets full value in my world. I was surprised so many people
hated "Phantom Menace." I bet you were pissed that
it sucked compared to what you expected because, really, you
won't convince me it was worse than Deuce Fucking Bigalow. Said
one reader, "I am not really a Star Wars nut (uh-huh, sure)...
but the sheer incompetence of the film, particularly when you
figure that this guy had all the time in the world, all the wealth,
all the technical talent at hand that he could have given us
something really special and simultaneously told Hollywood to
go blow it out their asses and he fucking lets his ego get the
better of him." A strong argument with poor grammar. That's
acceptable to the Filthy Critic! A "Bone Collector"
hater said, "My ass still hurts from the savage reaming
I received at the hands of Philip Noyce and Jeremy Iacone...
After they took my money, Denzel and Anjelina took turns pissing
on my face during the two hour rectal invasion." I couldn't
have said it better myself. Honestly. But let's not forget "Forces
of Nature," "Mod Squad," "The Bachelor,"
"Wild Wild West" and Fight Club." By the way,
"Fight Club was the only movie I walked out of during 1999.
4. That Movie Was so Great I Want
to Fuck the Director - Best Movie
You guys have some pretty good taste. Not a single person voted
for "The Bachelor" for best movie. For that you deserve
honorary free admission to all Wes Anderson movies. But, I have
no control over that, so don't fucking ask.
|It's no fucking surprise that American Beauty
won. But, I was more pleased to see some ignored movies get votes.
"Rushmore," "Magnolia" and "Election"
all fared well with you, the highly intelligent eaders. And to
the reader who said "Magnolia? What the fuck were you thinking?"
I was thinking of coming over while you were sleeping and crapping
in your mouth, you ungrateful motherfucker. Magnolia kicked my
ass, but I didn't see it until 2000. That reader also said Magnolia
"cribbed the frog scene from the 'Encyclopedia Brown Book
of Amazing Facts.'" Oh, really? Well then, smart guy, how
come I didn't see Bugs Meany anywhere? For you "Sixth Sense"
fans, I ask, "What the fuck" I sat through that overrated
hogwash while stranded in a snowstorm in Billings, Montana. I
would have rather already been at my father-in-law's, being told
how worthless I am and to stop drinking his Goddamn beer. Did
you people fail to notice that Bruce Willis was in it?
5. Fuck You, Ben Affleck
And now the "Lack of Lifetime Achievement Award." If
this were the Oscars we'd have Whoopi Goldberg hand it out, that's
how shitty it is. Meanwhile, you guys had no problem pointing
fingers at the assholes who screwed you worst in 1999.
|It makes sense that most of you didn't select Ben
Affleck. I mean, hell, that fucker has to live with himself every
day, and that's worse than anything we can say. Again, George
Lucas was your target. Come on, folks, you gotta admit that
Jar Jar was pretty fucking cute. and Jake Lloyd? The next Brando!
Robin Williams tied for first and received more hateful
comments than anyone else. Someone asked for a special "Fuck
you, John Travolta, you Goddamn fat Scientology mutha fucka."
But if I did that I would probably be killed by Scientology goons.
Besides, there will be plenty of time to make fun of that tub
of lard when his "Battlefield Earth" comes out this
year. Another reader shared my sentiment when he or she wrote,
"Kevin Smith doesn't have the talent that a gerbil up Richard
Gere's butt-hole has up its butt-hole." That's got to be
one small and smelly gerbil.
6. What About Filthy?
In the year 2000, more than 50% of the readers said I should
"way more filthy," while another 12% said "more
filthy." For the seven people who said I should be "way
less filthy," this was a trick question. There's no fucking
way I will be less filthy, unless that's what Heather Graham
wants. For the rest of you: Who's your daddy? Who's your filthy
fucking, foul-mouthed, couch-humping daddy? It's me.
You folks also said overwhelmingly that
I should "Keep on keepin' on." I'm sure trying,
but I got to tell you the job search is going slow. I thought
I had a job at the new Conoco, but then I cussed at the cashier
on my way out. So, the cash is getting low and there ain't no
credit card company that's gonna give me one of their fancy cards.
If you know of a gas station in Arvada, Colorado that needs a
full-service pump jockey, let me know. I want to be able to buy
the finer things in life for Mrs. Filthy. I know I joke about
Heather Graham, but Mrs. Filthy's stuck by me through the hard
times and she's really making her fabric store paycheck stretch
a long ways these days. I'd just love to take her on a shopping
spree at Spencer Gifts some day to show her how special she is.
A whopping 82.5% of you said you would
join me for the Academy Awards. You guys better not fucking
stand me up because I ain't gonna sit in a chat room all night
by myself. As the night of those horseshit awards gets closer,
I'll give you more info. In the meantime - do any of you folks
know how to set up a chat thing? I sure as hell don't. E-mail me if you do.
7. Your Foul Mouths
This is where your dirty little pricks shined brightest. I asked
for your filthiest phrases, and Good God, did you let rip. Here
are my favorite Filthy phrases (by the way, I'll be using them
this year in my reviews).
|Eat smeg. fuckhead!
|Bite my ass
|It was so good my syphlitic-ridden
hard-on ripped straight through my pants!!!
|Fuck the skull of Freddie Prinze
|I'm the best, and this is my dog.
And you can suck HIS dick.
|Pissing battery acid
|Slack-jawed. jizz-gurgling. come-drunk
|Cunt Nappin' Bitch
|Sperm burping gutter slut (for
|(Insert film, actor, actress)
sucked big. fat. hairy. lice-infested donkey sacs.
|Watching this was almost as fun
as decompacting my Great-Grandmother with my tongue.
|I've had more fun fucking a dead
pig than seeing _____.
|Fuck you, you cancer eating mutherfucker!
|Cock sucking cum-bucket
|Get your dick outta the peanut
butter, 'cause you're fuckin' nuts!
|Jesus fucking Mary on the couch
|You motherfucking shit-eating
|The only thing this flick is worth
is jack shit...and Jack just left the building.
|What the hell were they doing
when they made this movie....Finger Fucking each other?
|That was worse than ass on a stick!
|It sucked scissors
|Those Hollywood ass worshipping
|David Spade can lick crusty deodorant
from my armpits if he ever has the audacity to act in a romantic
Okay, kids, that's it. I know I promised
the Filthies this week, too, but more of you little shits voted
than I expected, and I ain't so good at making charts and stuff.
So, next week we'll have the Filthies. And yes, I will tell you
what all the celebrities wear to the ceremony. I hope to God
Barbra Streisand doesn't show up and eat all the Vienna Sausages
again. As usual, if you
got something you want to tell me, just fucking do it.
By the way, thank you to those who filled
out the survey. It was cool.
©2000 Big Empire Industries.
All Fucking Rights Reserved.