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The Waterboy |
The Filthy
Critic says:
"Give me my
God-damned
Money Back!"
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Of course, we already knew "The Waterboy" would
stink like week-old vomit. But I'm pissed off as to why.
I'll tell you right now what movies get one finger from me.
They're the kind where the makers try to pull a fast one on us.
They know they're selling dogshit, but they hope we're so stupid
that we go back twice. If I thought for a minute that anyone
involved with "The Waterboy" wanted to entertain me,
and not just do the minimum to get a paycheck, I would rate it
higher. It's the "Big Mac" of movies: churned out on
an assembly line with that McDonald's teenage cook attitude of
"That's good enough" that results in hundreds of food
poisonings every year.
Telling the people that made "The Waterboy" that
it sucks like an anus-obsessed nymphomaniac is pointless, because
they know that and they don't give a flying fuck. No, it is better
to physically hurt them. Only through negative reinforcement
will the studios stop hiring Adam Sandler, or making comedies
this braindead. Is it wrong for me to go slug moviemakers in
the guts? No more wrong than it was for them to sell this pisswater
to the public as something worth their time and money.
The first half is a "comedy," I think. The second
half is laughless, candy-coated claptrap during which we are
supposed to root for Sandler to overcome his fears and beat the
bad guys. It's obvious that nobody involved in making this bullshit
believes that, so why should we?
Adam Sandler is the self-appointed waterboy for the University
of Louisiana's football team. Nobody on the team likes Adam Sandler
because he's a little slow in the head. They make fun of him,
knock him over, and spill his water. The mean old coach fires
him because his stupidity distracts his players. Desperate to
find another team to give water to, he applies at lowly Southern
Central Louisiana State College. There, doofus coach Henry Winkler
discovers that Sandler is the most amazing tackler in the game's
history. Sandler is promoted from waterboy to star on the team.
He leads the team to the Bourbon Bowl, where they play his old
waterees, the University of Louisiana. Sandler and his team win
at the last second, thanks to Sandler's heroics. The biggest
surprise is that Sandler didn't score the winning touchdown.
He passes for it.
You know what? "Gus, the Field Goal Kicking Mule"
has a more likable star and is a more entertaining movie on the
same theme.
The writers of this bomb, Tim Herlihy and Adam "I'm an
insecure fuck who wants to be cool so badly" Sandler, got
hold of a juvenile sports video like "Bad News Bears,"
"Air Bud," "Mighty ducks," and on and on.
They followed the formula to a "T" because they're
too fucking stupid and lazy to even attempt a twist. Personally,
I would be embarassed if I cribbed so blatantly from Disney's
fat-kid summer camp movie "Heavyweights," but they
don't mind because all they were after was a paycheck. If I had
the world's stage, I'd try to do something, anything, to be funny
in a new way or do something that people haven't seen a hundred
times already.
Our retarded hero goes from abused loser to big winner, and
along the way we learn he's not so stupid after all. Or, that's
what we're supposed to learn. We only know that because that's
how these movies always work, and not because Herlihy and Sandler
do much to make us believe it. They threw in a few hints and
said, "Aw, fuck, this is hard work. That's good enough."
Of course, Sandler finds love. Not that we are convinced,
but it's the way these movies work. So, the moviemakers throw
in a bad-skinned (and kind of scary looking) Fairuza Balk as
the wholly unconvincing love interest. They don't give her anything
to do, but she shows Sandler her tits. Had she showed the audience
her tits, the movie might have gotten two fingers.
Sandler, as the star, gives the most annoying, and least talented,
performance in movie history. He actually thinks having the same
"funny face" for two hours is acting. He refuses to
actually let us think he is his character, all along he letting
us know he's acting - because he thinks he's too fucking cool
to stoop to the level of a retard. He really thinks we'll think
he is retarded if he invests himself in the role (yes, he's that
stupid). And, he thinks that if he gets kicked around enough,
an audience will cheer for him to fight back. No, I won't, because
he deserves to have his ass kicked for being an asshole that
doesn't care, for using that whiny, baby, super-annoying voice,
for not even trying, and for coasting on what he thinks is charm,
but what I call bloody stools. Mr. Sandler, show some class like
Chris Farley and die of a drug overdose already.
Or maybe everyone really is trying, but that's even more sad.
It is possible to make a funny stupid comedy, like "The
Jerk" where Steve Martin goes for the laugh all the way
through, and sacrifices his self-image to do it. Or "The
Naked Gun" and "Airplane." These movies try. "The
Waterboy" is an embarassment because nobody cared. This
movie gets one finger, and when I see Adam Sandler I am
going to punch him in the face.
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