There are no words
to illustrate how fucking boring The Tourist is. There
are movies, specifically one called The Tourist, but
there is no verbal description that does justice. The word filibuster
is more interesting. The minutes from town hall meetings regarding
trash pickup scheduling are more exciting. Home movies from
your grandmother's funeral are way better. Especially if some
guy pops out from under the casket table and screams "Rrrraaarrrrgggghh!"
to lighten the mood. Except, I couldn't shoot the video and
pop out and nobody else was smart enough to bring a camera,
so there is no tape of that. My point is, The Tourist
sucks like a tranny on ecstasy. It's as boring as dryhumping
bedsheets. Although, the sheets have more charm. Hell, the director's
name, Florian Henckel von Donnersmark, has more intrigue than
this stillborn turd.
wants to be the Cary Grant/Grace Kelly/Hitchcock classic To
Catch a Thief, or Grant/Eva Marie Saint/Hitchcock's North
by Northwest or the Grant/Audrey Hepburn masterpiece Charade.
I want a bigger dick, and kindergartners want Christmas once
a week. Just because we want something doesn't mean we get it,
no matter how many times we've ordered supplements through unsolicited
e-mails and subsequently had our credit card numbers stolen
by Russian mobs.
There are two huge
problems with The Tourist that keep it form matching
its role models. First is the wooden, dull direction and charm-free
performances by Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. Second is the
miserable plot, as stiff and smelly as a dead mouse found in
the bread box you never use. I would rather be raped by a tiger
than see this movie again.
Jolie plays a woman
on her way to Venice under direction from her boyfriend, who
has embezzled billions of dollars from a mobster and is now
being hunted by both Interpol and the aggrieved thug. To distract
the police, the unseen boyfriend instructs her to sit near someone
who looks like him on the train. She chooses Johnny Depp. She
has dinner with him, flirts with him, lets him stay in her spectacular
suite on the canals, worries over him and then lets the bad
guys mistake him for the embezzler.
Why she lets him
stay in the suite isn't explained. Why she takes a liking to
him isn't either. The movie depends on us believing that they
could fall in love, but there isn't a fucking moment in the
movie that suggests any reason why they. Why he would accept
her advances isn't explained either. I don't mean it's explained
poorly. I mean, it's just not explained. This fucking piece
of shit thinks that star power is more important than logic,
that showing us pretty people standing around in pretty places
is a solid surrogate for story. That we are supposed to immediately
identify with two attractive people in a beautiful city and
understand why they fall in love.
You see, Depp's character
is a dullard. He isn't meant to be, exactly. He is meant to
be a dumb tourist, and there are a couple of lame, overused
jokes about how dumb Americans are when traveling in Europe.
He is also supposed to be interesting enough for Jolie to fall
in love with. But he has been given zero clever lines and schleps
through the story like a bellhop at a Bismarck Holiday Inn,
almost mumbling and almost never changing his expression. It's
painful to watch. He isn't given anything clever to say. The
opposite, actually. When he isn't saying boring shit, he's saying
asinine crap. Every attempt at humor in The Tourist is
lame. For example, the movie has him speak Spanish to the Italians,
like "Gracias," instead of "Grazie," because, see, he's so dorky.
Tee hee. Most embarrassingly, someone thought it was good comedy
for him to say "Bon Jovi" instead of "Buongiorno." Yeah, Depp
in long hair and wild beard totally makes sense as a math teacher
isn't any more interesting. Unless you think mannequins are
great conversationalists. To be fair, there are some pretty
awesome things you can do with a mannequin, especially if they
have a kung-fu grip, but talking to them isn't one. Jolie says
hardly anything, and what she does say is as lightweight as
a two-dollar wrench from Harbor Freight. She spends the first
fifteen minutes gliding across the screen with what's supposed
to be an enigmatic smile. To me it looked more like she had
eaten a bunch of Corn Nuts and was now constipated. She is in
Venice to meet her boyfriend, but she falls pretty fast and
hard for the character Depp plays. So, she's easily unfaithful,
has no moral qualms about dating a thief, and is supposed to
be someone we're rooting for.
The plot, a mistaken-identify
pile of horseshit that is like if North by Northwest
had been written as a 30-second watch commercial with the emphasis
on the watch, might have been interesting if it made more sense
and there were more to it. Stretched to 103 minutes, though,
it's like a tapeworm pulled from your ass; way longer than you'd
ever want it to be. Florian Henckel von Donnersmark pads the
Tourist with eye candy like the Venetian skyline dominated
by the tower at St. Mark's Square and boats in the canals. The
action scenes are few, far between and paced slowly. They're
also absurd and improbable. As directed, they are awkward and
don't even have the common decency of having tension or surprise.
Every twist is predictable
and telegraphed. Be forewarned, I am about to reveal the "spoilers,"
as fucking movie crybabies call them. This is a public service
to convince those of you who have even the slightest interest
in this movie to avoid it. Consider it my way of farting on
the Waldorf salad at the Christmas dinner. Jolie turns out to
be a secret agent. I expected that because that's how these
movies always work, and Kim Novak was a secret agent in North
by Northwest. The reveal is no surprise and is handled with
the elegance of a pair of children's underwear. Johnny Depp
turns out not to be a bumbling math professor (never mind that
he never looked like one). I expected that too. At the end of
The Tourst, the movie drags on and on until he finally
reveals he has been the thief all along, but he got plastic
surgery. Why, he even fools Jolie, who is, I guess, much stupider
than the audience. And yet, he isn't pissed she fell in love
with this "tourist" so easily. Florian Henckel von Donnersmark
sits there staring at Jolie and Depp for so damn long that by
the time he finally reveals this big "shocker", even two-year-olds
have it puzzled out.
It's all so fucking
obvious. It's all so fucking trite. It's all so fucking stiff
and dull. It all depends so much on us being overwhelmed with
star power that we don't notice there are no plot, no interesting
characters and no plausibility. In other words, it's the kind
of substandard horseshit that Hollywood thinks they can sucker
us into. The Tourist is the most disgusting turd I've
seen this year, and I've eaten from the dumpster behind the
Korean produce store many times. One Finger. Just go
rent a Hitchcock movie and be satisfied.
to tell Filthy Something?