here's my problem with nostalgia. It's fucking lame and pathetic.
Why the fuck do people get all misty-eyed about shit from their
childhoods that sucked stained ass? I don't understand why people
would rather relive a crappy past than go out and find new stuff
that, at least, isn't worse. I see it in music with all these
bad radio stations playing oldies or "Jack" or "classic rock".
All these terms for "old shit instead of new shit".
I can understand
missing really great stuff. But why the fuck would an adult
miss or want to relive Speed Racer?
reason for Speed Racer is nostalgia. It sure as hell
isn't because the old TV show was so good or powerful that someone
felt a new generation needed to be told the tale of the boy
who raced a lot and mostly won. That's probably because it was
a really stupid tale.
cartoon was fucking dreadful. Bad animation, lame, repetitive
jokes, stale characters and some of the shittiest dialog outside
of German industrial films. Anyone who tells you otherwise is
deluded by some sad notion that his childhood was idyllic. Probably,
he's not even thinking that the show was great, just that his
life was better back then. Back then his mother bought his sugared
cereal and did his laundry and he had yet to be rejected by
women. None of that had anything to do with Speed Racer,
but nostalgia is all about associating objects with some vague
feeling that you once had a good time in life, and you are no
longer capable of doing that. It's like having the same damn
conversation at the Tavern with Worm about the time he took
a dump in the town square drinking fountain. It gets sort of
sad when you realize the poor bastard doesn't have any newer
or better moments to relive.
nostalgia is for chumps. My question is, why would the chumps
let the grassfuckers in Hollywood serve it to them? Why would
anyone want something that was shitty the first time around
regurgitated to them by soulless hacks in search of easy profits?
How bad must your life be today to be that desperate for reminders
that you were once just a loser-to-be? If you want to be nostalgic,
why not just go back and see the original cartoon rather than
pay a bunch of assholes to soup it up with computers?
If the reason
for Speed Racer is to introduce a new generation to the
boy racer: why? Why start from such shitty source material when
you can start from scratch and do so much better? I'm sure the
answer is because Hollywood is full of lazy fuckers who are
scared to death with taking chances. They know at least with
Speed they can screw the nostalgia chumps.
know the answer. What I do know is that Speed Racer the
movie almost nothing to fundamentally improve the source material.
It's as colorful as the innards of a rich kid's stomach after
the circus. It looks a hell of a lot like Tron with human
faces slotted into wild computer-generated backgrounds. It's
about as much like a cartoon as a movie can be.
plays Speed Racer. Yes, that's his name. He's a young man with
only one interest: racing. This is supposed to make him interesting.
It doesn't. Hirsch is part of the Racer family, which builds
race cars and lives auto racing. All except his brother Rex,
who mysteriously died years earlier.
Racer a billionaire tries to lure Hirsch to join his fancy
racing team, but the boy chooses to stay with his family, angering
the rich dude. The rich dude then tries to destroy Hirsch's
racing career. Guess what? Hirsch is just too fucking good to
lose, though. And by winning, he destroys the billionaire.
there is very little else to the plot. Well, there is that Rex
Racer, played by Matthew Fox, didn't really die and is now the
mysterious Racer X. He helps Hirsch. Just like in the old cartoon.
is divided into two distinct pieces. The first is painfully
long, unbearably boring deserts of dialog that the bad actors
have to trek across. Characters talk intensely and too much
about the stock market, old races and racers, corporate buyouts
and industrial manufacturing. The story is too detailed, and
yet simplistic and retarded. Pushing Speed Racer is that
old hollywood chestnut about how big business is evil and the
little independent has spunk and nobility. That horseshit always
means so much more when it's told to us by a bigass studio in
a mega-budgeted action flick milking a tired franchise for more
than it's worth.
To be fair,
people wear crazy suits and have colorful houses. I suppose
those are supposed to make us forget how lame the plot is. They
didn't, though; they just help bloat the two-plus-hour movie
the way a 95-pound tumor bloats a 110-pound girl.
half of the movie is the racing. The races are supposed to be
extremely fast and dangerous. They are definitely colorful and
cartoonish. The best parts of Speed Racer are in them,
like villains who try to launch beehives at other cars, or slice
off tires with retractable blades. There is also a racer named
Snake Oiler (same as the cartoon) that is supposedly a bad guy.
He has a car straight out of Death Race 2000, covered
in snakeskin and with a giant golden cobra for a shift handle.
That sort of silliness could be pretty entertaining if the directing
Wachowski Brothers didn't zip past it in their need to use every
color every damn second.
you still have to trudge through all that plot to get to it.
And even when you get to the races, you're supposed to be rooting
for a driver who is one-dimensional, mostly humorless and not
really worth rooting for. Why the fuck should I want a guy to
win just because he's obsessed with racing? That's like wishing
teen boys could have sex because it's all they think of.
When I was
a kid Speed Racer the cartoon was on just before Kimba
the White Lion and Little Rascals every afternoon.
It was a great way to kill an afternoon. And I had a lot of
those to kill as a latchkey kid. But, I was supposed to grow
up and expect more, and have a life without as much time to
waste on really shitty and mind-numbing entertainment. If I
had kids, I was supposed to raise them better, too. Hollywood,
and the nostalgia chumps, I guess, have other plans for us.
Two Fingers for Speed Racer.
to tell Filthy Something?