Movies that don't
have endings are a ripoff. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
- Part One, aka Harry Potter 7a, has no ending. It
just cuts off, like it's commercial time and you're about to
see ads for the kind of Christmas crap you're supposed to buy
for the people you don't know, don't want to know, and don't
want to ask what they like. Like Snuggies, shaving kits, golf
towels, low-quality jewelry and sweaters with cute animals on
them. Then, the movie will come back on and show us the proper
ending. Harry Potter doesn't come back. So instead of
having commercials, it is one, for the next flick.
I understand this
is the first half of two parts, but that's a lousy fucking excuse
to just cut the shit off mid-story. It means the fuckers that
made it assume we're all coming back next year to pony up for
the second half. No moviemaker should ever assume that. Every
movie should be entertaining and complete on its own. Sure,
it can be part of a larger story, but the grassfuckers should
at least give it an ending that lets it standalone for that
one kid who only has enough money in his life for one movie,
and he chose to spend it on this one. To leave that kid hanging
is to tell him, "Fuck you, pal. Go rob a bank if you want satisfaction."
They shouldn't assume we're all coming back. They're screwing
the fans who will die in car crashes between now and next year,
the ones who will be murdered, commit suicide, get hit with
giant boulders and become comatose, and those that will get
strung out on meth and no longer have interest in or money for
movies. In other words, most everyone I know.
Any movie that's
two-and-a-half hours long has to have a proper ending. I can't
go 150 minutes of anything without some kind of payoff. This
isn't tantric sex. Hell, it's not even Candy Bottom's porn remake
of Shoah. Harry Potter 7a is a big-ass budget,
Hollywood movie operating largely on the Hollywood formula.
Except it just cuts off. I know the Harry Potter books
have endings. They tell a larger story, but they each manage
to end. Prior to this cum-guzzler of a flick, Warner Brothers
managed to compact each book into a single movie.
I guess, though,
that they now see the tail end of this cash cow heading into
the charnel house, and they want to get as much meat out of
it as they can. Stretch it out, make it last. Harry Potter
7a is the hot dog of Potter flicks.
soldiers on as Harry Potter. Rupert Grint bravely grows up to
be an unattractive young man in the role of Ron Weasley, and
Emma Watson is the pointy-chinned, smartest of the lot Hermione
Granger. They're still wizards, only they no longer go to Hogwarts
boarding school, but begin the story in terror that the evil
Lord Voldemort (Ralphie Fiennes) plans to use all his powers
and his army of death-eaters to kill this Potter kid. See, Potter
is now firmly established as the only hope for goodness to conquer
The story then revolves
around Radcliffe trying to collect artifacts that, if they fall
into Fiennes hands, will make the villain invincible. Then everyone
will be screwed. Like if John Boehner got the plans and parts
to make his own tanning machine. Radcliffe, Grint and Watson
go on camping trips, have close calls and solve puzzles to figure
out where the artifacts are and how to destroy them. Except
they don't get far in their quest in this movie. They destroy
one. They destroyed two others earlier. They have four more
to smash up in the last movie, Harry Potter 7b. Plus
now they also have to also collect three new items called the
Deathly Hallows before Fiennes gets them, because with them
he will be the master of death. Let's see, one out of five are
captured in 7a, so the other four plus three new artifacts
to be gotten in 7b. Nice pacing, you idiots.
Harry Potter 7a
looks fine. It's expensive and the director understands the
trick of making the magic a part of the world in which it takes
place, not the focal point. The special effects are very god,
except for the elves and goblins. They look fucking lame. The
main characters are teenagers, so it's expected that they be
moody little shits who whine like the power steering belt on
a Ford Windstar. The settings and the production values are
pretty fucking great. Alan Rickman returns as the sneering Professor
Snape, which is always welcome to me.
The problem with
Harry Potter 7a is that it takes so fucking long to go
halfway. There ain't enough story in this flick to justify its
epic tone and length, or its sweeping score. It's like someone
forgot to make the movie fun and just canonized it instead.
It spends a lot of time in a tent with the three teenagers puzzling
out details. There are long windswept shots of probably every
square inch of wilderness in England. There's a greatest hits
of good guys and bad guys in the Potter world making cameos.
Not enough Rickman, but the movie also has Helena Bonham Carter
as Bellatrix Lestrange, Bill Nighy as Rufus Scrimgeour, Timothy
Spall as Wormtail, and on and on. Some of the characters have
a purpose, and some don't. It's sort of like Cannonball Run
2 in that sense, only longer, and with fewer cars.
There isn't much
action, as you'd expect when you leave 88% of it for another
movie. The makers don't have much going on for 150 minutes.
Everything interesting that happens here could have been done
in an hour or less. Like my sex life: why the fuck would I spend
a half hour when I can be finished in five minutes? And I get
a real ending, too, packed with emotion and regret, that leaves
me tired and hollow for an hour.
Harry Potter 7a
looks expensive and feels cheap. It's lips and assholes. Maybe
the people who made it convinced themselves they needed two
parts, that they could make their artistic statement with a
bigger canvas, or some such shit. They were wrong. This wasn't
the place to do it. They made an unfun movie and left that poor,
poor child who could afford only one movie in his life fucked
up the ass. Two Fingers.
Here are the results
of NaNoWriMo, for those who weren't pussies and went for it.
For those who tried to write a novel of 50,000 words or more
in one month.A big congratulations to those who finished. A
small congratulations to those who tried. Nothing but derision
for the pussies who did nothing.
||The bubblegum Protocol
||The King of Saturday Night
||Before You Were Born
Van de Poel
||The Mortal Compacts
||As Yet Untitled
||Alice and Sacred John the Sparrow
||Grey Hair and Creaky Joints: I did plenty of Livin'
||The Best Days of Your Life
||The Norton Project
to tell Filthy Something?