shit is The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement violent.
Somewhere between the escalating body count and the buckets of
blood I realized that we weren't in the same magical, make-believe
kingdom of the first film. And God damn if it didn't make me want
to break a skull, maybe even my own. I was already pissed off
because the Olde Town Cinema put in these stupid digital signboards
to tell you what theater your movie's playing in, but mostly all
they say is "Theater 6". Like they need a fancy sign for that.
For God's sake, you jackasses, put some money into fixing the
ratty-ass armrests before buying fancy toys that barely work.
I'm smart enough to figure out where my movie's playing. I feel
sorry for the retards that wander into Brown Bunny after
buying tickets for Yu-Gi-Oh. I was still pissed, though,
and then shocked out of my drunken stupor by the blood-curdling
screams of A Royal Engagement.
the first Princess Diaries, Ann Hathaway played a nerdy
teen who discovered she's a real-life princess of Genovia. Don't
look for Genovia; it's a made-up place. Trust me, even if the
travel agent takes the $1000 your wife had hidden away she still
can't get you there. Anyway, Hathaway's estranged grandmother
is Julie Andrews who insists on lovingly transforming Hathaway
from gawky teen into beautiful royalty. It's every teen girl's
fantasy, and mine too. But really, what undereducated, overdrunk
man doesn't dream of waking up some day in a castle in a foreign
country wearing a decadent taffeta dress and tiara as the coronation
begins? None that I know.
was curious how director Garry Marshall would follow up the original
story--one that was sweet and tender enough to appeal to the two
most important movie-going markets: preteen girls and me--without
turning it into a cynical exercise in milking the cash cow. It's
not like the first movie was begging for a sequel. Yet, here is
one and it has nothing to do with the first, save for the return
of Hathaway and Andrews. The title Royal Engagement suggests
we'll see romance for the little princess, and maybe she'll blossom
right before our eyes.
ThePrincess Diaries 2, she partakes in bloodsport. This
is a horrific, unnecessary sequel about a battle for supremacy
between aliens in a long-lost pyramid 2000 feet below Antarctica.
Young Hathaway plays an alien from another planet seeking out
an enemy comatant, while Julie Andrews plays pretty much the same
character she did in The Sound of Music: a screeching,
slimy monster imprisoned and forced to procreate in the bowels
of a pyramid.
is hardly recognizable as a hulking dark-green space alien. I
know puberty can be tough on kids, but good fucking God. This
girl wasn't just hit with an ugly stick, she had it rammed up
her ass until it came out her eyesockets. Gone is the innocence
and sweetness, and in its place is a cold-blooded killing machine.
Ms. Hathaway, please, get rid of those silly dreadlocks, learn
how to walk like a lady, and for God's sake, see a dentist. You're
a movie star, not a fucking monster.
movie begins with a benevolent billionaire hiring a crack team
of explorers and archeologists to explore a pyramid he's discovered
deep below the ice of Antarctica. After arriving, the explorer
team discovers that the pyramid is the cradle of civilization,
containing symbolism and |Hieroglyphics from Cambodian, Egyptian
and Aztec buildings. There's some horseshit mumbo-jumbo about
this being the first ever pyramid. What this has to do with a
gangly teen falling in love and assuming the throne of Genovia
is anybody's guess. But you know the way those grassfucking cornholes
in Hollywood think: Ka-ching!
long, we meet up with the queen, played with grating annoyance
by Julie Andrews. She is an acid-spewing monster chained down
and forced to pump out eggs that can only reach maturity after
incubating in the chest of humans. Most of the expendable humans
are killed this way. The rest are killed by Hathaway shortly after
she makes her appearance. I expected to see her maybe kiss a handsome
prince, or maybe dance in her underwear with her grandmother while
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" blasts from the palace sound system.
I did not expect to see her impaling monsters, snapping the necks
of innocents and practicing ritualistic self-mutilation. Neither
did the six-year old twins beside me. They bawled their eyes out
the entire movie, especially at the end when Andrews and Hathaway
beat the shit out of each other.
can almost buy the premise of the movie where Andrews and Hathaway
just went about killing the boring-as-shit, no-name hacks playing
explorers. I think everyone wanted that. But when they turned
on each other and were gouging, gutting, spitting and squealing,
it stripped the magic of their special relationship. Ladies, act
like royalty, not a couple of Tavern whores with your heads full
of meth and fists full of welfare checks.
more important, if you want to be hideous, disgusting monsters
be interesting. Don't bore the holy snot out of the audience.
Don't spend the first two-thirds of the movie with people wandering
down dark halls waiting for something to go bump. Don't weight
every character down with dialog as lame and thudding as a paraplegic
falling from a barstool. Although I feel that ancient history
and archeology have no place in a Princess Diaries movie,
if you're going to put them in there, at least sound smart enough
to fool people. The science in this movie is the sort of simpleton
shit made up by a third grader the morning their big paper on
South America is due.
if Hathaway and Andrews are playing royalty it's no excuse to
make everyone a lame cliche. It's pretty fucking hard to care
if someone dies when his whose lack of personality can only mean
was an awful movie. A horrible surprise, like when your pee comes
out in clumps, or finding your grandfather's wedding ring in your
underwear. One Finger for The Princess Diaries: Royal
Engagement. Fuck it, I should have seen Alien vs. Predator.
I heard that was cool.
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