I don't know how heavily this story is being
covered in the national news, but the Arvada Library is moving.
It's a pretty big story around here; bigger than when the trash
truck plowed through the community theater during a matinee of
"Nunsense" and suffocated 14 senior citizens in chicken bones
and coffee grounds. Plus, the library is slightly better news.
new library is going to be way bigger and the carpet probably
won't smell so funky. Maybe they will get some more comfortable
chairs and some blinders at the tables so other people can't see
me reading back issues of Cosmopolitan to learn 17 super
sexy bedroom secrets. Actually, it's 17 every month, which is,
what, 204 secrets a month. Although, they had that same finger
trick in the March and December issues.
the cool thing about the new library was going to be the new teen
area, called the Attitude Lounge. That is also the name of Arvada's
scariest bar, in the industrial zone on Lamar. So, I guess the
librarians didn't recognize my handwriting on all those entries
in the "Name the Teen Room" contest.
least, I thought the new library's Attitude Lounge was going to
be a cool thing. It's turned into a nightmare, though. First,
I discovered that even though they say the room is a teen room,
they're gonna let twelve-year-olds in. That fucking sucks. Anyone
whose ever taken a math class knows twelve is not a teen. And
twelve-year-olds are so totally immature. They're sixth graders
and they have nothing in common with the kids who are 13, 14,
15 and me. When I'm chilling with the teens, lounging on overstuffed
pillows and giving them my insight into the Judy Blume oeuvre,
chatting about the latest variant of Mountain Dew, the last thing
I want is a snotty little pre-teen pissing about his dirty diaper
or some long division problem. I believe the Attitude Lounge should
be for teenagers 13 and up, to my age. It would suck if they let,
like middle-aged fatsos in there. But, us teen sand teenish people,
we need our own space.
leads me to the second half of my nightmare: The twelve-year-olds
will be welcome, but I won't. How fucked is that? What part of
thirtysomething suddenly makes a guy unwelcome in the teen room?
The library teens love hanging out with me, and I love hanging
out with them. The kind who smoke behind the Conoco station love
to beat the shit out of me. All adults berate me. I need a place,
too, to chill when Mrs. Filthy's on my jock about something stupid
like missing the bowl when I take a dump, or breaking her kitten
figurines when I'm playing animal-army war, or going to Hancock
Fabric while she's working and crawling under the cutting table
to cry when I'm sad.
don't they make the Attitude Lounge all about maturity, not something
as superficial as age? What I mean is, don't let the twelve-year-olds
in because they are all super-duper immature. Some of the real
teens, though, are ultra-massive mature, like me. Like, way more
mature than any adults I know. Plus, they think I know a lot of
shit. Or, the library should give me my own room. And put a TV
and a Dig-Dug game in it, because I get bored with books. It could
be the Filthy Lounge, and nobody would be allowed unless I say
be exactly like Mensa, except that I can be in it. And it will
be way cooler. Plus, I won't let those choosy Mensa jerks in no
matter how many times they ask.
I sound sort of cranky, now you know why. And if there weren't
a light at the end of the tunnel, I'd be seriously planning a
protest march at the library, and buying a lot of Skittles so
kids will show up for it. The light is that Drive-In Season has
opened. Twelve bucks a carload, which would be a great deal if
anyone would go with me.
get a lot of weird looks when you go to the drive-in alone. Especially
when you ride your bike. Who gives a shit about weird looks, though?
I get them already; at the grocery store, or digging through the
St. Vincent DePaul bin; even doing something as innocent as getting
a hand caught in the Coke machine at the Safeway. I just live
my life and let the weird looks roll off, unless it's someone
I'm trying to impress, like the teens at the library. I'm glad
they weren't at the Cinderella Twin Friday night.
trip to the drive-in transcends the mediocrity of a movie. That's
not to say I loved Ice Age 2 just because I saw it in the
great outdoors. I'm just saying that if you're faced with a raft
of shitty movie choices, pick one but see it at the drive-in and
you'll be less likely to hate yourself. Actually, this Ice
Age is better than the last, which isn't saying much. This
one is funnier and faster-paced, but you're still stuck spending
an hour and a half with some boring ass characters and the human
enema, John Leguizamo. Holy fuck, that guy annoys me.
time, the Mammoth (Ray Romano), Sabre-tooth Tiger (Dennis Leary)
and sloth (Leguizamo) are back. In the original, the story was
some sappy bullshit about them returning a lost baby to his caveman
family. Now, the ice age is ending and a dam is about to burst
and flood the valley where the animals live. They all must evacuate
to higher ground. Along the way, they encounter predators and
other problems. Basically, it's the same premise as one of the
shitty Land Before Time movies. Along the way, Romano finds
a girl mammoth (the female John Lequizamo, Queen Latifah) and
falls begrudgingly in love. Of course, before the story's over,
he must rescue her from danger.
stock nonsense. I can't think of a character or situation in Ice
Age 2 that anyone over twelve hasn't seen a dozen times. The
sidekicks are wacky; the danger is mild; the hero is whiny, the
outcome is never in doubt. A couple of gags were funny, but fleetingly
so since I can't remember them now. The animation, which was the
main point of the first one, is pretty damn run of the mill now.
There are a few nice-looking scenes. By now, however, this kind
of computer animation is only going to make the eyes fall out
of Amazonian tribesmen. Oh, and stupid pre-teens who shouldn't
be allowed in the Attitude Lounge.
problem with the movie is the same as the first: a shitload of
money was spent making something with nearly no soul. Why dump
all this money into a movie if it doesn't feel like anyone who
made it even cared? It's a commodity, like a damn can of Pringles;
something to feed it to kids to shut them up. Except movies are
supposed to make you feel something, and are supposed to be made
by people with something to say.
Age 2 is hollow. I'm sure it's just fine for twelve-year-olds.
But for those of us supermature enough for the Attitude Lounge,
you gotta do more. We need shit to talk about in our private space.
And we're going to use dirty words when we do it, too. Two
Want to tell Filthy Something?