It's trendy to claim you were a loser in high
school. That is, so long as you think you're now really fucking
cool. Then, you can talk a lot of shit about how you a) were
actually the coolest kid in school but misunderstood, b) pulled
yourself up by the hipster bootstrap and turned your geeky ass
into a cool person, or c) you were ahead of your time; you haven't
changed, but everyone else has caught up to them.
When anyone says "I was such a geek in high
school" what they mean is, "Look how fucking awesome I am now."
In reality, most kids were just part of the madding crowd. Their
classmates didn't spend much time thinking about them. Some
of the biggest freaks, the ones known campus-wide for eating
earwax, shitting their shorts during PE class or always wearing
something with Betty Boop on it, never even though about their
position in the pecking order, and still don't. And they still
chow-down on crap they find in their ears. Other freaks thought
they were really popular. They had no idea that even the other
losers made fun of their epileptic seizures or their poetry
about falling in love with robots.
The truly popular kids in high school now either
sell major appliances and used jet-skis, or they're celebrities.
You'll never catch the ones who sell shit talking about how
they used to be a geek. No, they spend every fucking night,
drunk in shitty bars, telling reminding themselves and the people
around them that they were once king of the world, and they
plan to re-ascend to their thrones. They cling to it like The
well-liked kids who became celebrities are the ones most likely
to be full of shit and claim they were once unpopular or losers.
Partially, it's bragging about who they are now, but it's also
partially them wanting you to think that they had to struggle
to become famous; it didn't just fall into their lap.
In most cases, it did fall into their lap. Usually
because they look ridiculously attractive. Sure, they worked
hard to be recognized, but only because they knew they were
so fucking pretty. Mostly because they were always so God damn
popular that they never got beat down by rejection and failure.
They're celebrities because they wanted to be and they were
so popular nobody bothered to tell them they couldn't be. Maybe
the reason movies about high school losers always feel so fucking
fake is because the people making them don't have a clue what
they're talking about.
I'm not going to tell you where I fit into the
hierarchy, partially because I'm not sure since I didn't exactly
get a diploma from high school. I got mine from the School of
Hard Liquor, Underpass at I-76 and Wadsworth campus. Popularity
wasn't an issue there. Being able to get old cans of spray paint,
cough syrup and model glue was. When I did attend traditional
classes, though, kids would piss through the vents of my gym
locker and soil my clothes, I almost got expelled for stealing
library books, I once ate a bottle of salt on a dare and vomited
all the way across campus. Plus, I wanted to have sex with my
English teacher, but all she'd give me was a blowjob.
Superbad is pretty fucking funny, and
part of the reason is because the kids who are supposed to be
outcast geeks really look like them. I expect that from Judd
Apatow and his friends. One of the stars and writers of this
movie was on Freaks and Geeks, and that show pretty much
nailed nerdiness like Studs Jerkel did Candy Bottoms in Balls
to the Wall 7, but not so much in Balls to the Wall 8.
He was back to quality banging in Balls to the Wall 9.
Sorry for the trip down memory lane, there.
That was a great cinematic series, though.
The stars of Superbad, Michael Cera and
Jonah Hill, will be graduating from high school soon and both
are virgins. We heard this plot about a million times twenty
times, right? In the course of of a single day, the best friends
scheme to win the hearts of the girls of their dreams and have
sex with them. In addition to this, they are facing the future
separately because more-slackerish Hill is going to a state
school while Cera got into Dartmouth. You know, the name Darmouth
has always sounded like something you could get from cunnilingus
with a hooker than a university. Apparently its a pretty good
and expensive one, though.
By chance, Hill gets teamed with his dream girl
(Emma Stone) in home-ec, and Cera runs into his boner-maker
(Martha MacIsaac) in the halls and pomises to buy her booze
for a big party. He can do that because their even nerdier friend
Fogell (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) has scored a fake ID.
What follows plays a hell of a lot like Weird
Science, actually. Well, without all the lame fantasy shit
about a woman coming to life. But, the comedy of errors about
the trial and tribulation of wanting to impress a girl only
to discover she actually like the guy just for himself. Followed
by nobody actually having sex, but creating a more real bond.
Why the girls like Hill and Cera is a complete
fucking mystery to me. These are nice guys, for the most part,
but popular high school girls are rarely looking for sweet,
naive or innocent. In fact, that's exactly what they are trying
to show they've outgrown the first few times they have sex.
And, girls, just like guys, give a shit what others think of
them, so they aren't likely to want to be seen dating the biggest
dork on campus. It isn't until much later that your layers of
self esteem have been peeled away like onion skins by all the
hateful comments, sneering, ridicule and shame that life dishes
out. I'd say most people don't give up until they are 25 or
so, and then start walking around outside in their underwear,
eating Bugles for breakfast and shooting snot rockets into the
neighbors' decorative crockery.
What distinguishes Superbad from every
other coming-of-age teen comedy are two things: First, Cera
and Hill really look like high school nerds. Neither looks like
a movie star whose hair they pomaded and then stuck on some
thick glasses to replicate a nerd. They have the clothes, body
shapes and style of losers, Basically, they look like they went
to the mall with their moms, said "Yeah, whatever" to the shit
was pulled off the clearance rack, and bolted for the arcade
to play "Dragon's Lair". Cera is the shyer and less aggressive
of the two. He seems to have a more realistic sense of his place
in the high school caste system. Hill is more aggressive and
talks a bigger game. He thinks that the difference between he
and the popular kids is just how hard they try and how loud
Second, and more important, is that Superbad
has a genuine sweetness. The ending, with its predictable boy-gets-girl
shit still takes a moment to let Cera and Hill acknowledge that
it's time to grow up. They can no longer cling to each other
like a security blanket, pretending that bragging about all
the chicks they're going to fuck is equal to actually having
sex. Now it's time to actually talk to a girl in real life instead
of in their one-sided fantasy world.
Superbad is a pretty funny fucking movie.
It stumbles over the same problems as other teen sex comedies,
but for the most part it works. And it's nice to see geeks make
a movie that's not latently gay and about a man in tights. Three