I didn't make it all the way through Be
Cool, because after an hour I started wondering what might
come in the mail. I wasn't expecting anything, but the mystery
of that day's mail still held my attention more than this hot
load of crap. So I left before the end just to see what I got.
I rarely do this, but I was just so fucking sick of the desperate
neediness of Be Cool that the possibility of a Val-Pak
was more exciting.
last time I saw such a sad collection of washed-up actors trying
to remind you of their glory days was my only experience watching
"mature" porn. That movie was made by a bunch of senior citizens,
and ended badly. After an hour of these old folks talking about
how much they love fucking, the lead couldn't get a boner and
ended up sobbing for a few minutes before taking his medications
and watching the evening news with the volume turned way up. Naked.
Cool is sadder. This is as cool as a Members Only jacket.
It's the moment that a whole range of A-list aspirers like James
Woods, John Travolta, Uma Thurman and Harvey Keitel kiss all hopes
of real coolness goodbye.
this Elmore Leonard (the most overrated noir writer in the world)
novel sequel, Travolta plays Chili Palmer, a somewhat fat and
immobile former mob loan shark turned movie producer who doesn't
do his job for one fucking second of this movie. After an "ironic"
discussion with Woods (or a side of weathered bacon--I couldn't
tell) about how movie sequels suck, he sees Woods get shot and
killed by Russian mobsters. I say "ironic" because we're supposed
to laugh about people in a sequel talking about how sequels suck.
In the ultimate twist, though,Be Cool really does suck.
Hard, like a ten-dollar whore late for her shift at Wal-Mart.
Give director F. Gary Gray credit for proving his point about
sequels. Sure the movie is an unbearable mess, but you can't say
he didn't warn us.
unless he included that monologue because he was cocky that he
would rise above the accepted wisdom about sequels. Nah, someone
would have edited it out after seeing a rough cut, wouldn't they?
was a record producer, and now Travolta somehow inherits his hottest
prospect, a run-of-the-mill pretty singer songwriter (Christina
Milian) in the mold of Ashanti, Aaliyah, Beyonce and Alicia Keys.
Like them, she's black, blandly pretty and boring as a tit in
a sawmill. The problem in Be Cool is that she's under contract
to another record label, so Travolta can't break her without causing
trouble. I have no fucking clue why she was dealing with Woods
in the first place. But, this is the source of the movie's limp
clothes line. Mostly, Be Cool just drapes weak cameos over
the this plot. Along with Woods' widow, record label co-owner
Uma Thurman, Travolta magically gets his unknown, unproduced star
to open for Aerosmith (which this piece of shit thinks is the
pinnacle of "cool" and also the best place to break a young black
not if Milian's former managers, Vince Vaughn and Harvey Keitel
can overact him to death. God knows they try. Oh yeah, and The
Rock is here as a gay bodyguard. He really has nothing to do,
but he's probably the best actor in the movie. What does that
have no idea how it all turns out since I left. But I sure hope
it involved someone pulling the rod out of Travolta's ass, giving
Thurman her anti-epilepsy medication and shooting Harvey Keitel
in the mouth. It must, because I didn't see anything in the paper
about an audience burning down a movie theater.
can't remember how Cedric the Entertainer and Andre 3000 got involved
as "hilarious" gangsta rappers who are stereotypes despite all
the strenuous jokes about rap stereotypes. Or all the details
of Robert Pastorelli's performance as a wacky hitman who is always
eating because I was too busy wondering if my Val-Pak would have
a coupon for kitchen refinishing in it. They do try to add humor
by mocking the broad stereotypes they are playing and being very
loud. Yeah, that's fucking funny when a screenwriter makes fun
of cliches he can't even rise above. This Andre 3000 is a shitty
actor. The damn kid looks uncomfortable up there, like he's about
to glance offstage for reassurance from someone.
the most part, the movie is made up of unfunny sketches that are
barely linked together, hardly make sense and even if they did,
are nowhere as cool as everyone involved hopes they are. Aerosmith
cool? Maybe to 50-year olds with bad taste. "Sweet Emotion" the
best rock song ever? Yeah, probably if it's the only one you ever
heard, or forgot 90% of AC/DC, Metallica, Led Zeppelin, Guns'n'Roses,
and about 10,000 others. The are loads of B-list cameos, but even
they feel sad, as thought he actors think they're A-list and their
mere presence is gonna boost the movie. I see from IMDB that Gene
Simmons, Fred Durst, Seth Green and Joe Perry are in it. Maybe
they were in the part I saw. I wouldn't know because I wouldn't
recognize them. But they aren't cool. They're hoping getting in
this movie will make them so. Bad news, losers.
Twelve sucked because all the assholes in it thought they
were cool and didn't give a fuck what we thought. They just wanted
to watch themselves strut around like fey peacocks. Be Cool
sucks worse and in a sadder way. It's populated by assholes who
don't even have a clue what's cool, suspect as much, and still
try really hard to convince us they are. This is the Hollywood
equivalent of a group of seventh grade honor students who perform
an abstinence rap during pep rally in the gym. Only the teachers
who bob their head and pretend they like it will think this shit
is cool. And they'll say, "Normally, I don't like rap, but those
kids had a positive message."
are constant, self-conscious references to better movies in Be
Cool. I think these nods are supposed to be cute. But this
fucking movie is like a three year old who cracks his parents
up when he says "fart" and then keeps saying it until you realize
it wasn't even funny the first time. Then he says it some more.
Give it a fucking rest, kid; we were only laughing to humor you.
Thurman and Travolta dance, just like they did in Pulp Fiction.
There is that shitty discussion of sequels. Steven Tyler says
he has never appeared in a movie. There is a discussion in the
movie abut how you can only say "fuck" once in a movie before
it loses its PG-13 rating. And guess what? That's this movie's
only reference to it! Oh, tee hee. It's a cowardly PG-13 turd
and it knows it. If only there were real jokes where this self-referential
get the distinct feeling that screenwriter Peter Steinfeld has
never written something genuinely funny in his lifetime. he has
bad taste and he apes what he sees, only too deliberately. He'll
keep trying, though, because there's another pep rally next week
and maybe a few gags will make the kids more comfortable talking
Thurman puts in her worst acting performance since, oh, pretending
she could stand Ethan Hawke. In one scene, she walks into a youth
center where some black kids appear to be rehearsing for Electric
Boogaloo 3 and she immediately begins bobbing her head like,
"Yeah, I'm down with the kids." It looks as uncomfortable as a
proctologist with a patient who just dined at Country Buffet.
But it's representative of this entire piece of shit's fake desperate
attempts at cool. Other than her, the acting is almost all bad,
caricaturish. It all belongs to the "It'll be funny if it's louder"
Fingers for Be Cool. It probably would have gotten
one if I had bothered to stick around for it all. By the way,
there were coupons for resurfacing kitchen counters in my Val-Pak.
Anyone interested, let me know.
Filthy || Want to tell Filthy