is pretty lame, I think. I'm not sure, I can't remember all of
what I sat through. It's as forgettable and disposable as a diaper,
and loaded with the same shit. I piss and moan a lot about how
indifferent the Hollywood grassfuckers are to making our entertainment
entertaining, and I'm gonna piss and moan some more. Partially
because this asswipe of a movie illustrates my point so fucking
well. Partially, though, it's because I've got something in my
urethra that's hard and crunchy, about the size of a broken marble,
and it makes me moan when I piss. The cool part is my urine is
orange. I've never seen that before and I'm all about trying new
things, except for Indian food.
There ain't a Goddamn original thought or idea in A Nightmare
on Elm Street and there isn't any indication that any were
even considered. That's pretty fucking sad since it's a remake
of the original and relatively boring Nightmare. Yeah,
I know people are gonna claim it's a classic because: 1) they
like it as a kid and they believe every piece of shit they liked
as a kid should be in a museum somewhere; 2) they think that
if they liked it, then it must be fucking great; 3) they haven't
bothered watching it in a long time. To me, it was a clever
idea that didn't get any good until the third movie in the series.
My point is, though, that if you're remaking something, shouldn't
you make some effort to improve on the original? Because if
the original is so fucking perfect, why remake it?
Anyway, twenty-six years later and nobody involved in this
turd used the interim coming up with a way to remake it better.
Someone could, I'm sure, but that would be taking a risk. A
Nightmare on Elm Street is like tin foil is to crack: the
cheapest, easiest way to deliver a toxic thrill.
The dreams of a group of homely, hobbyless teenagers are haunted
by a patty-melt-faced slasher. If he gets to them while they
sleep, they're dead in real life. The teens soon realize they
are having the same dreams with the same villain. They learn
he was the child-molesting gardener at their pre-school, who
was burned to death by their parents because the cops in their
town were too busy pulling over Mexicans and asking for papers.
Although the parents never told the teens they had been molested,
it's obvious they were affected by the diddling because they've
all grown up to be boring-ass whiners. To stay alive, the kids
must stay awake. But because A Nightmare on Elm Street
is as timid as a Japanese exchange student, they only use legal
and prescribed methods to do it. Fuck it, if ever there were
a time to use meth, this would be it.
What a lousy bunch of kids to spend an hour-and-a-half with.
I would rather hang out with the hoodlums who think it's a good
time to shit on the floor of the library bathroom and terrorize
toddlers in the town square with their BMX bikes and puberty
Freddy Krueger is played by Hollywood's latest feel-good reclamation
project Jackie Earle Haley. Those bumfucks love it when they
can think they're doing some dude a favor by reviving his dead
career. Then they give the guy shit roles like this and he will
disappear fast enough. His Krueger is mechanical and drab. He
has the same punny one-liners as the original, only this time
without the self-awareness of how lame they are. Rather than
being creepy or chilling, Freddy is just relentlessly pops up
when you least expect it, meaning when you most expect it. The
movie's few thrills are all the weak "boo" kind. Nothing sticks
beyond leaving the theater.
Visually, A Nightmare on Elm Street uses the same boiler
room imagery as the original for its nightmares. The pipes are
bigger and lit better, but it doesn't conjure up any new dread.
The set designers copied, not innovated. The same could be said
for the writer and director. Some executive asked, "Don't do
too much, okay?"
When a movie sucks this hard and does this little, but has
an R rating, it owes us at least one simple thing: teenagers
played by hot actresses in their twenties who take off their
tops. A Nightmare on Elm Street doubly fails. First,
these actors are pasty, dopey and look vaguely Canadian. They
are humorless and exhausted. Second, the Fionas never get any
naughtier than wearing pushup bras under their pajamas. How
can such a shitty movie not even offer us a visceral reason
to watch it later on premium cable?