Deuce Bigalow: Sorry
"Suck my ass, it
Rob Schneider, you are one dead motherfucker. Don't you
ever stop for gas at the Ralston Amoco, if you want to stay alive.
Because you pushed me way too far this time. And, if you do happen
to stumble upon my gas station, bring some reasons why I shouldn't
beat you until you piss clotted blood, and you better spend more
time on them then you did on this piece of week-old, dried-out
dogshit. You, Mr. Schneider, are at the top of my "Men whose
dicks I have a moral right to remove" list.
Am I mad? Fuck yes. Did I expect "Deuce Bigalow"
to suck? You bet, but it's impossible to predict anything could
be this awful. Truth is, I went to this movie knowing it would
suck, but I figured "Forces of Nature" and "Superstar"
would need some company at the bottom of the barrel come year-end.
Deuce Bigalow's weak-ass story line revolves around Rob Schneider
getting mixed up with a cut-rate Fabio-looking male prostitute,
who charges $3,500 to bang the snot out of hot, rich poontang.
Schneider, an aquarium cleaner, finds himself in charge of the
gigolo's fish tank while the greasy lotharhio is on vacation
and, what do you know? He fucks it up. He only has three weeks
to fix everything or else the beefcake prostitute will return
to the mess in his apartment and ream Schneider's lumpy ass.
Of course, through a series of clunky and predictable events,
Schneider becomes a prostitute, raises the money, has "funny"
dates with a tall girl, fat girl, cursing girl, sleepy girl,
whose diabilities are the butts of jokes, and finally falls in
love with a wholesome one-legged girl. If anybody believes that
Schneider could con some hot piece of ass into even looking at
him, then the schools in this country are fucked beyond belief.
Judging from the kind of motherfuckers who are given permission
to approve movies in Hollywood, though, it looks we're already
screwed worse than a slut at a Muscular Dystrophy gang bang.
Because this is a Disney movie, Schneider never fuck his clients.
Also, not a single character acts like much more than a bad gag
machine, spitting out brain-numb jokes at the expense of something
grander, like plot or character. For example, there is the aquarium
builder whose talk is purely gay-sex euphemisms, or the cop who
keeps whipping out his weiner. These jokes are played by the
actors with embarrassment, as is most of the movie. Like they
just want to be through with it and get paid. And the movie looks
like it might actually have taken less time to film than it does
to watch. I mean, the continuity, shitty lighting, half-assed
action sequences and stiff stage directions are stunningly piss-poor.
It's technically incompetence is unparalleled.
"Deuce Bigalow" is the product of a massive collusion
between swell-headed dumbfuck Rob Schneider and his girlish pal
Adam "I'd suck my own cock if I could" Sandler, and
other Hollywood dipshits. They're all so lazy and stupid they
actually think people would like Schneider. Of course, for that
to happen, we'd have to be bludgeoned to near-death with ball-peen
hammers. It should be obvious to those of us still breathing
that Rob Schneider is an asshole so big he could pass a Buick
through himself. Like the entire cast of Saturday Night Live,
he's completely oblivious to how stool-softeningly unfunny he
is. I mean, this undeveloped pubic-region of a man actually believes
he's amusing without ever having to figure out what amusing requires.
So, the lazy pig-fucker just plows through deep piles of cliches
with the blithe assumption that we're too God-damned stupid to
This is exactly the kind of movie that pisses me off most
of all; one that doesn't give a rat's ass about those of us spending
two hours of wages to see it. I don't care if their brains were
fucked out of their melonheads, there is no way the cocksucking,motherfucking tea-baggers who made this ever, tried to
make this good. Good never even entered their minds. First, the
pricks want to scrape money off our sorry bones with the rusty
blade of shit cinema. They think we're so stupid we'll shell
out for anything, Second, they assume we don't deserve better
than Rob Schneider. That's how little they respect us.
Overall, "Deuce Bigalow" is too worthless to nitpick,
but a couple of things really shrunk my ballsack in shame. First,
why would the makers waste a perfect chance to introduce cuss
words to us? Among the walking cliches Schneider dates, a tourette's
syndrome lady fails to expand at all on the already broke-dick
lexicon of surprise swear jokes.Hell, if Hollywood were paying
me to put dirty words in a sweet girl's mouth, she'd be shouting
"Crotch-rot," "Pussy-scratcher" and "dad-humping
Also, where do they get off spending three quarters of the
movie using super-fat chicks and deformed broads for cheap laughs,
and then try to sell us on the idea that women should be loved,
even if they're missing a leg or something? Hell, a man in my
diminished position knows that ladies should be cherished, but
I sure don't need an insincere ass like Schneider telling me,
right after showing a fat lady farting.
The other characters in the movie are so flat and unimaginative,
it's like somebody force-fed horseshit to monkeys and then used
what came out their hairy little asses as a script. It's insultng
to the human race to suggest a person came up with this. The
level of effort put into this script matched that put into a
single Big Mac.
I'm getting sort of angry now and I don't want to put any
more holes in my wall, so, I'm gonna wrap this up with a call
to arms: let's beat the shit out of Schneider. One finger for
that dad-humping cheerfuck.