an art to outrageousness. Shocking people, but for no good reason,
gets old pretty damn fast. Trust me, I know this because of that
night I stuck my dick into cars' gas tanks at the Field Street
Conoco. Yes, I shocked people, and at the time I thought it was
for a just cause. But when the combination of Yoohoo and Nyquil
wore off, I could no longer remember what it was. I was just humping
I remembered that night while watching Team America, a
movie that plays like a really bad Hot Shots, but with
puppets to add that extra little bit of shittiness. After thirty
minutes Team America had already made every possible joke
about how clumsy and fey puppets are, but it keep telling them
for 75 more. Puppet jokes aren't nearly as funny as they are obvious.
Anyone who doesn't think 30 seconds into this piece of shit that
we'll see marionettes having sex has to have clotted dicks where
his brain should be. What you can't predict is how fucking long
the puppet boning goes on, or how long every gag takes.
Team America, a group of American superspies protect the
world from terrorists, led by a speech-impedimented Kim Jong Il.
Il uses liberal, know-it-all Hollywood stars like Sean Penn and
Tim Robbins to distract the world while he enacts his plan. New
recruit Gary Johnston, a theater actor, joins the team, seducing
the ladies and drawing the wrath of one of the men, who once had
a bad experience at "Cats." Johnston must overcome his own fears,
and give a blowjob to his boss, to save Team America and the world.
into Team America I had to turn around and ask the asshole
behind me to please only laugh hysterically at the jokes. And
if he could, then only at the funny ones. He wasn't alone. There
were about ten people among the hundred who were eager and willing
to laugh at anything that seemed naughty or outrageous. They weren't
amused, just thrilled that somebody else might be shocked. It
was their way of shouting "Look how cool I am!" Then there were
the people like me who were waiting for the parts that were not
only blatant attempts at outrageousness but also clever. We laughed
way less often. There are some funny jokes like a Broadway play
in which everyone has AIDS, a surgery to turn a white man into
an undercover Arab that goes horribly awry, and two man-eating
panthers played by black housecats.
the other 95 percent of the movie is supposed to be funny because
it adds the word "fag" to celebrity names, puppets projectile
vomit, is homophobic, makes fun of Asians inability to pronounce
the letter "L", mocks fat people, sings an entire song about Pearl
Harbor being a shitty movie, tiresomely emphasizes the point
that we're watching puppets, and is even more homophobic.
how fucking hard is it to make poop, gay and dick references?
It's pretty God damn easy. If it weren't, my reviews would be
about three sentences long. Obviously, I'm not opposed to them,
but I sure do like it better when they have a point, or the joke
isn't simply that a bodily function has been mentioned.
Trey Parker and his partner Matt Stone remind me a lot of myself
before I had sex for the first time: obsessed with some misconception
about it, and completely unable to mention it without giggling
uncontrollably. Come on, guys, you're in Hollywood. I'd think
you'd at least be able to pop your cherries with drew Barrymore.
America simultaneously mocks celebrities for complaining about
America's unilaterilism and international arrogance and bases
half its jokes on the same belief. I guess Parker thinks other
Hollywood types are assholes, but he's so fucking funny he's allowed
to make a statement. What a dick. Just because people say "fuck"
and couch their opinions as sixth-grade jokes doesn't make them
any more acceptable. Yeah, that includes me.
Fingers for Team America, a sweaty, desperate attempt
at shock, when a few more jokes would have been a lot funnier.
for jobs is shitty business. You want to embellish and exaggerate
your credentials to get your dream job, but there's an unseen
line you can't cross. If you cross it you'll end up qualifying
for jobs you don't want, or ones where the boss can pretty easily
figure out that you're full of shit. Like, did you know that people
really go to school to be veterinarians? I thought that shit was
all made up, but about two hours into my first shift at Arvada
Animal Hospital, I recommended we give a Schnauzer Pabst Blue
Ribbon and a pickle for its worms, and the techs were on to me.
You know what, though? That's what we use at the Tavern. It's
a holistic approach.
a few interviews here in Arvada, I had two solid job offers. Not
"offers" in the strictest sense of the word, where they gave me
a job. More like I wasn't banned from the premises. That's as
good as a job because if you show up the following Monday morning,
stand around like you belong there and make n annoying-pitched
constant drone, they'll put you to work. I'm pretty sure I read
that in "What Color is your Parachute?" Either there or in "Fourteen
Mindblowing Orgasms" from Mrs. Filthy's latest Cosmo. I don't
remember which, just that reading both gave me a profound sense
of inadequacy. Anyway, the point is, I embellished too much and
was offered a job re-glazing bathtubs. It took me all of two hours
to figure out that shit sucked. It took another week to get the
baked-on glaze off my leg. Look, if you ever take a job like that,
don't listen to your co-workers when they tell you to hold your
leg in the oversized oven.
second interview was as perfect as your wife going to her mother's
the same weekend the Spice Channel shows Candy Bottoms' "Anything
That Moves", Volumes 1-47 in order. Nobody can show initiative,
attentiveness and gumption like me. If there were gumption olympics,
I'd be the 100-yard champ because I can show it in short bursts
like nobody's business. I dazzled the shit right out of Glee at
the Hallmark Store. Seriously, I could smell it. She's about 200
years old and probably dumps in her pants anyway, but I was like
tar heroin for the senior set. Blue hairs want to roll me up into
a sticky dark ball, stuff me into their pipes and smoke the shit
out of me until their eyes roll back in their heads. I don't know
why, but I've always been more attractive to women who've all
lost interest in sex than I am to fertile, horny girls. That's
my gift, I guess.
said she's open to new ideas to improve her Hallmark and qualify
her as a Diamond Franchiser, so I didn't work long before I took
an extended lunch break and put some serious thought into how
I'd run a card shop. I came back to work and made some amazing
from observation I saw that the shop drew almost all its business
from weird women who could spend three hours admiring the pewter
dragonsholding crystal balls. But nobody ever buys that shit.
Men rarely shop for cards, and when they do, they grab whatever
is in their path. We get the ones featuring big-boobed women at
the liquor store or K-Mart. Glee can't simply carry the same ones,
because there's no reason for a guy to go out of his way to buy
what he can already get. She needs a higher quality product: either
offer bigger-boobs or even more obscene inscriptions. Just because
a card says "apeshit" and "cocksucker" doesn't mean a guy doesn't
love his mom. In fact, I don't know how to express my feelings
without using their words.
Glee store isn't even open when men are likely to buy cards. That
is, about two a.m. on a Friday or Saturday night, when my emotions
pour out until I'm dry-heaving "I love yous" and "I'm so fucking
sorry, I'm so sorries." Even if Hallmark was open, it doesn't
have cards that capture real feelings. Where are the Shoebox Greetings
cards saying "Wuzza, highm fight?" and "You and what army?"
don't waste so much God damn space on those creepy little porcelain
figurines of big-eyed kids peeing, playing baseball and smooching
that only perverts and lonely old ladies buy. You want to draw
men, put in some of those hilarious wind-up penises, vaginas-in-a-box
and gag lingerie from the Spencer Gifts in the Mall. That shit's
classy. And hire someone to keep the dicks wound. Nothing's more
depressing than a plastic dick with nothing to do.
sell pistols. It's not hard to get a seller's license to do that,
and everybody loves them. Plus, you'd corner the market on people
looking for a Saturday Night Special and the "365 Days of Marmaduke
Calendar. Diversify! After all, "Kittens and Things Like Rifles"
seems to be doing pretty damn well down the street.
got a future at Glee's, and that's good news, because I'm looking
forward to stealing a few of those Precious Moments.
Filthy || Want to tell Filthy