Wasn't the last Terminator
flick the one called Rise of the Machines? Why the fuck
is this one called Salvation? This turd should be the
Machines one because it was made by them. There can't
possibly be any human being that would say, "Yeah, I wrote (directed)
that! I'm the guy who didn't bother to give an audience a reason
to care about anyone in it." Some Lenovo Thinkpad somewhere
is responsible for the lameass plot, and some huge, fancy computer
somewhere else did all the directing and making up the Transformers'
leftovers special effects.
I'm one of about
eight people who liked Terminator 3. None of the other
seven speak English, three are blind and two died of stupidity
since. I hardly remember what it was about anymore, but I do
remember a really clever chase scene involving a big rig and
a firetruck. I probably wouldn't give it as high a review if
I watched it again, but it must be better than Salvation.
It is the year 2018
and the world is a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Not a very original
one. Mostly it's a lot of low light, blue filters and desertscapes
with burnt wisps of trees and toasted car carcasses, like every
other unimaginative futuristic wasteland movie. I bet T.S. Eliot
would be pissed. There aren't a lot of humans left in 2018 and
very few of them are interesting. The world has been taken over
by machines who do a hell of a good impression of monochromatic
Transformer knockoffs like you' find in the $1 bins at Big Lots.
They are actively trying to destroy the human race, much like
the beef jerky you find in those same bins.
Christian Bale plays
John Connor, a man ordained to stop the machines from taking
over the world. In previous versions, I think Connor was supposed
to be a reluctant hero. Now he's a cocky asshole who speaks
gravelly because that is Bale's only way to show he's tough.
Seriously, this Connor is the exact same dude as his Batman,
all gritted teeth and squinty eye bad boy bullshit.
Bale has to rescue
the boy (Anton Yelchin) who will travel backward in time to
be his father. If Bale doesn't save Yelchin, the kid won't be
able to drop a load of semen in Bale's mom, plus he will die
a future-time virgin instead of a past-time playah. Baby Bale
will never be and the machines will kick everyone's ass.
also a half-man, half-machine hybrid not referred to as a cyborg.
But, come on, let's call a spade a spade. He's a cyborg, 50s
style, but way fancier with piston and wiring under his skin.
This character, played with Sci-Fi Channel-Saturday-night badness
by Sam Worthington, is supposed to be the wild card in the script.
The movie wants the audience to wonder if he will side with
the machines that created him or the humans, whose womankind
he's like to stick his robot boner in. What a fucking crock.
There's no mystery to it, no matter how much time the movie
dedicates. Considering, it's supposed to be one of the "emotional"
hooks of the story, it's pretty fucking weak and uninvolving.
The movie's central
plot device is the stupid-ass time-travel nonsense. As though
we haven't had enough of that bullshit this summer. Maybe this
is shitty-screenwriter's new knock-on-the-head amnesia gimmick.
Whatever, it's nowhere near as clever as these hacks think it
is. It's just a lame device we've seen before.
is full of slick but generic special effects. Mostly, the machines
feel like director McG (still a really fucking lame, contrived
name) wanted to make a Transformers movie, but with worse
lighting. There are giant robots that stomp around and make
a lot of mechanical racket. One has motorcycles that pop out
of its thighs to chase the good guys. There is a giant robot
factory that looks and sounds like a place humans would work,
not a joint built and run by robots. There wasn't a single robot
or weapon in the movie that made me think, "That's sort of cool."
There wasn't anything that made me believe anyone involved had
tried to rethink the future.
The humans are powerfully
uninteresting. Christian Bale bugs the shit out of me with his
phony-baloney intensity. I've got a real strong urge to skip
anything else he's ever in now that I know his idea of serious
acting is a lot of growling and pretending he's really pissed
about something. The rest of the actors have very little to
do. There is dialog but it is almost entirely on-the-nose exposition
to set up a bunch of robots smashing shit up. Sam Worthington's
character has some scenes with Helena Bonham Carter that hit
the trifecta of being really poorly acted, made entirely of
exposition and not being interesting. The plot is convoluted,
and there ain't a single character worth giving a shit about.
Hell, they aren't even people, really, because humans tend to
be more complex than having a single need and doing only what
is needed to get that.
is bad for its mediocrity. Nowadays, any movie can look slick
and professional no matter how stupid and worthless. It's just
too damn bad that the grassfuckers think slick is good enough.
to tell Filthy Something?