beginning to think those grassfuckers in Hollywood aren't paying
attention to me. All this time, I thought they gave a shit.
Maybe not, though. I can't even count the number of times I've
told those assholes that we want to be entertained by movies.
Seriously, I can't. Not right now, not since I took those pills
I found in my neighbor's trash. They were blue. They make my
nipples tingle and me feel braver. I can't remember for sure
what comes after fourteen and I'm going to go see if she threw
anymore away because Mrs. Filthy isn't here and why is there
something growling in the hall closet?
want to be preached to at the movies. Save that for some emasculated
man on Sunday morning that we don't pay much attention to anyway.
Sometimes, though, those overearnest jackasses we pay to entertain
us get confused and decide to send a holy sermon down from Mount
is a well-made sermon, but it's not entertaining or subtle or
particularly thought-provoking. It's a fire-and-brimstone lecture,
all sour faces and misery. The last time I was around this many
unhappy people was in the audience of my retard cousin Larry's
home's production of "The Wiz". I'd say Larry's show felt more
real, though. Especially the flying monkeys. The shit-flinging
ensemble story--like a Robert Altman movie, even with the same
know-it-all pretension--where everyone's lives intersect in
unexpected ways. They're especially unexpected for the audience
because some feel as contrived as a bad episode of "Three's
Company". The Crash of the title is not so subtly both
the collisions of cars and lives in Los Angeles. See, everyone
has to get around by cars in Hollywood, and maybe being cocooned
in their cars prevents them from ever interacting. In the romantic
mind of a rich-ass white screenwriter, apparently we'd all be
better off if we rode the bus together. Hey, Paul Haggis, you
ride the 15 on Colfax at 1 a.m. and then tell us how much better
society would be with junkies puking on your shoes.
includes whites, Latinos, Iranians, Asians and blacks, none
of whom can think beyond color and stereotyping each other.
I won't cover all of them, but the highlights are: Sandra Bullock
plays the sort of one-dimensional harpy that I thought Julia
Roberts was trying to corner the market on. I guess Ms. Bullock
wants everyone to take her seriously, too, because being fucking
filthy rich isn't enough for a telentless, sausage-bodied ninny.
Jennifer Esposito plays a really hot Puerto Rican detective
with nothing to do in the story except briefly expose her tits.
Matt Dillon plays a racist cop who molests a black woman (Thandie
Newton) and later rescues her from her burning car in a scene
whose drama and corniness is worthy of any "ChiPs" episode.
"Look out, Ponch! She's gonna blow!" Don Cheadle is a detective
who is asked to withhold evidence about a case concerning a
white cop shooting a black cop in order to make District Attorney
Brendan Fraser look good.
We are given
some fairly interesting vignettes, and some very good performances.
A lot of them made me think of that scene in Short Cuts
where Julianne Moore gives a wordy, angry monologue while naked
from the waist down, though. You know, the kind of showy shit
that actors eat up. The dialog is generally pretty good. It's
direct, intelligent and only occasionally sounds like a white
guy pretending a black, Iranian or Latino. And writer-director
Haggis does a decent job of making everyone look like assholes.
Well, except the women. They are uniformly saints, except Bullock.
Who knows, though. Maybe her character was written saintly and
her shrewiness took over.
that, Crash is piss-poor entertainment. If they showed
it at a drive-in, there'd be a riot because it's so fucking
unpleasant and monotonous. Crash wants to be all gritty
and genuine, but if these are real people, why is every fucking
scene loaded with racial tension, and every conversation about
race? Not everyone is a racist, and not every racist spends
all his time thinking of ways to insult other people. But this
movie never gives us these characters as anything more than
walking/talking angry race-baiting assholes. There isn't much
beyond Haggis's preoccupation with racial tension to make us
feel much for these people. Not everyone sees everything as
a race issue, and not all problems are race-based. Some are
money, some are drugs, some are that that fucking asshole Worm
at the Tavern claims the high score on Deer Hunter II, initials
ASS, is his when it's mine. He uses the initials DIK, which
I think is just plain crass.
Crash feels like a trip to the chiropractor: meant to
make you feel better without actually helping solve the problem.
I guess the point is that the races would all get along better
if we got out of our cars and started interacting, but that's
just plain horseshit. It doesn't give many characters happy
endings, which is fine with me. But it doesn't even make the
journey much fun. You know, I don't get along with anyone who
doesn't give me money or keep me from sticking dirt in my mouth,
regardless of color. I think if everyone had the same skin,
we'd find other idiotic reasons to hate each other.
boiling the problems (overblown as the movie makes them) down
to us seeing each other for who we are would make a lot more
sense if the story didn't rely so heavily on stereotypes. Haggis's
characters all start out as Hollywood archetypes, like the black
carjacker, the uptight white housewife and the angry Persian
shop owner. They start out in a common place, and I think his
intention is to show us that behind these stereotypes are real
people. Two problems: first, most people aren't fucking stereotypes,
even to start. Second, with so many people in this movie, none
are fleshed out.
Crash is just another joyless example of how Hollywood
sees the rest of us: dirty-faced miscreants scrambling around
looking for their sense of enlightenment. Our lives have no
happiness, just struggle and sorrow, and Goddammit, the screenwriters
feel for us, without having to actually feel with us. Two
Fingers for the sermonizing Crash. It's got better
acting than church, but no free wine and bread.