know how those sandwiches from Subway look really good in the
commercials? They're so big and fat, so packed with meats and
cheeses that you can't wait to sink your teeth into one? So, you
wait until Mrs. Filthy falls asleep watching Mother May I Sleep
With Danger 2: The Nap on the Lifetime Channel, get down the
kitten-shaped glass jar she keeps the laundry quarters in, and
ride your bike to the Subway, hoping the entire time that that
kid with greasy hair who threw you in the dumpster once isn't
there this time.
God, he's not. So you park your bike where you can see it because
you lost the key to the lock, you think in a wishing well when
you wanted something really bad but didn't have any pennies. You
go in and drop a fistful of quarters on the counter and ask for
a sandwich called the Italian BMT, even if that's the same name
you mom used to give a bad case of the squirts. When they hand
it to you, it looks and feels as big and fat as the ones in the
commercial. Your mouth salivates to the point that a little spit
leaks from the corner of your mouth. You can't wait to taste all
that juicy goodness stuffed inside the "Rosemary Parmesan Artisan"
bread . How can something so heavy not be delicious? you think,
until you take a bite.
when you realize that, sure it's stuffed, but with cheap, flavorless
shit--like weird, slimy white cheese and way too much shredded
iceberg lettuce--piled one on top of the other until it gives
the illusion of being good by virtue of size without delivering
any goodness. Your hopes are dashed, but worse still is you've
got about 50 more bites of this crap before it's gone.
of the Caribbean 2 is like that sandwich: stuffed to the gills
at an ass-numbingly unnecessary 160 minutes, and looking good
enough that even a former lardass and current dumbass like Jared
could get you to try it. It's a bunch of nothing, though. Although,
if special effects are the equivalent of pepperoncinis, Disney
didn't skimp on those.
hard to figure out the plots of Pirates of the Caribbean 2,
but nobody involved in making it cares if you do. Just like you
aren't supposed to open up your Subway sandwich to find out that
only ten percent of all that weight is stuff you actually want
to eat. Just keep chomping down on that doughy bread; don't spend
a lot of time thinking about what's inside and you're fine.
Depp is back as soused pirate captain Jack Sparrow, who kicks
off the movie by escaping the gallows in an already occupied coffin
(an homage to The Count of Monte Cristo) to start the movie. Twin
dullards Kiera Knightley and Orlando Bloom, who helped Depp in
the first movie, are elsewhere, awaiting their deaths. The local
magistrate will have them executed if they don't hunt down Depp
and take his magic compass. Apparently, the compass points at
whatever the holder most desires, and it fits into the magistrate's
plans. Or whatever the fuck his job is. I never really figured
part of the movie mostly made sense to me, but things got a little
thick and silly after that. Depp owes his soul to Davy Jones (Bill
Nighy), the undead, part-octopus captain of the Flying Dutchman,
in exchange for letting him be captain of the Black Pearl for
13 years. But Depp doesn't want to die, so instead plots to find
a chest containing Jones' still-beating heart and hold it ransom.
To find that chest, he must use his compass.
a bunch of running around and slapsticky pratfalls, Depp, Knightley
and Bloom reunite in different couplings. The plot is also deeply
confused and convoluted plots by a rampaging sea monster, Knightley's
out-of-nowhere lust for Depp, Bloom reuniting with his dead father,
the return of many uninteresting and easily-forgotten characters
from the first Pirates, and Knightley pretending she's
a ghost. All of this leads nowhere important or interesting, but
helps to inflate the movie's running time, and keep the actors
at it's grueling two-hour-and-forty-miute length, though, the
story's heavy lifting is done in clumps of expository dialog.
First, there is a voodoo queen (Naomie Harris) who has nothing
to do but explain a ton of details meant to further confuse the
story, and give Depp devices to fight the new problems she introduces.
All the creepiness they surround Harris with in the swamp doesn't
hide the mechanical nature of her role. And, it's surely bad moviemaking
when a character is introduced only to complicate a story for
no good reason. These scenes have the feel of a drunk caught in
a liw who tells more and more ridiculous bullshit trying to save
second plot device is a dead sailor whose entire role is to literally
come out of the woodwork, tell Depp how to solve the movie's next
problem, and then disappear again. That is, to find the key to
the chest. I guess it was beyond the makers to have Depp figure
it out for himself.
movie so actively switches between special effects shit and the
heavy exposition that it has no core or sense of urgency. Not
only does it not build to an ending, it doesn't have an ending.
Instead of emotional and conflict resolution, you get a teaser
for Pirates 3.
action sequences are pretty damn good: plenty of swordfighting
and monsters from the deep, cannibals and carnage. The humor,
though, sucks balls. The simplicity of the pratfalls and puns
made me think of a 70s Disney live-action comedy, but with a bigger
budget. The gags and doubletakes would fit quite well in The
North Street Irregulars.
is very good, again. Bill Nighy makes a fine Davy Jones. But way
too much time is spent with the dimwitted, slowfooted duo of Knightley
and Bloom. Holy crap, are they boring. They should do print ads
for the Gap, because then they don't have to talk or emote. To
pile onto the misery of watching them, both are given stories
that are meant to involve us, but don't. In the beginning, we're
supposed to be sympathize that their wedding has been cancelled
by the mean, mean villain. Then, halfway through the movie, while
we're still supposed to be rooting for them to reunite, Knightley
gets an incurable case of lust for Depp. Any reason we had to
feel for Knightley goes down the shitter. Maybe that's part of
the setup for the third movie too.
damn bad, really. Pirates, the undead and cannibals should make
a great movie. Maybe Pirates of the Caribbean 3 will be
one. Pirates 2 is so sure it will be, it sacrifices itself
to prepare us. Two Fingers.
Want to tell Filthy Something?