Razzles? It was the transgendered treat you never bought but
sometimes got for Halloween. The one that didn't know whether
it wanted to be candy or gum. Sort of like how Robert thought
maybe he was really Tiffany. And like Robert/Tiffany, Razzles
were shitty before and after the transformation. Nobody wanted
to fuck Robert/Tiffany, and any teen experimentation that may
or may not have occurred with a bag of Razzles was very disappointing.
is the Razzles of movies: Is it a lousy comedy or a crap-ass
action flick? It's both! It sucks and it stinks! Holy shit,
what a nondescript, mealy mess.
the original Get Smart TV series was a staple of any
early 80s latchkey kid's summer vacation mornings. Somewhere
right before Love American Style and after Bewitched.
Created by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry, it was a slapticky spoof
of spy movies and the Cold War starring Don Adams as clueless
secret agent Maxwell Smart. Despite his incompetence, Adams
always topped the bad guys from KAOS, sometimes with the help
of Barbara Feldon. She was hot and competent. The show featured
loads of dumb gadgets, like a shoe phone and cone of silence
that made fun of the James Bond movies. If I remember correctly,
the show was actually pretty decent. It never pretended to be
an action show; it always went for gags. Of course, I was pretty
busy humping fun-size candies in those days, so my memory may
the new movie starring Steve Carrell has almost nothing of substance
in common with the old TV show, or its many weak-ass incarnations
(like the super-lame 1995 remake TV series). That'd be fine
with me, if they had bothered to replace it with something,
anything, that weren't so fucking boiler-plate lame and tired.
I mean, I find the whole idea of reviving old TV shows for movies
about as offensive as a stranger rubbing his own bloody diarrhea
in your eyes--without warning you, and without you having posted
an ad to craigslist asking specifically for someone to do this
to you. If you've done that, all bets are off.
lamer than just aping old TV shows, though, is taking their
names and appending them to piles of horseshit that they have
little in common with. Hell, if you're not using the good shit
from the original story, why not give the new movies brand new
names, like This Movie Sucks Your Ass? Get Smart
could be called that. Carrell's Maxwell Smart is no longer a
smug boob. Instead, he's an oversensitive, highly-competent
intelligence analyst who has always dreamed of being promoted
to agent. You can imagine the hilarity that ensues. But, the
director Peter Segal is too fucking dim to commit to Carrell
being competent, so the flick opens with him trying to pass
his agent test on the eighth attempt. Later, we learn he passed
with an excellent score. So, why'd this highly-detailed, very-prepared
person fail the first seven times? Because the movie is too
fucking lazy to play it one way or the other.
plot of the movie sucks the kernel off the corn. It's some bullshit
about KAOS getting nuclear weapons and planning to blow them
up unless they get a shitload of money. Why would an organization
with the wherewithal to build high-tech weapons need money?
The moviemakers never bother to explain that. Actually, the
villain, played by a Malcom-McDowelly Terence Stamp, is never
given any depth beyond that he isn't nice to underlings.
firends want to pretend they're making an action movie, they
don't want to spend any time thinking it through, though. There's
a double agent, of course. I won't tell you who it is, but just
maybe, if you have the ability to read--or breathe--you can
guess who it is. Is it the hot girl agent who tells Carrell
he shouldn't trust anyone? Or is it the handsome, top-notch
agent who nobody would ever suspect? Come on now, you've seen
Scooby Doo before, so you can get this one. Hell, that's
where the hack screenwriters Matt Embers and Tom J. Astle got
is that such a tired-ass plot with such obvious twists might
have worked as the premise for a satire. Get Smart isn't,
though. It's played as straight as a church-sponsored key party.
The makers think we're going to be surprised and delighted by
their weak-ass shit. They think we're going to be excited by
their aping the action sequences from the Christian Slater-John
Travolta trash-truck wreck of a movie Broken Arrow. And
then they think we're going to bust our humps laughing at cheap
shots, such as how the president says "nucular". Oh, man, I
hope these guys made zillions reusing Bruce Villanch's schtick.
board, the jokes are more worn out than a vibrator in a convent.
They're also thrown in haphazardly. It's like the makers sometimes
suddenly remembered they were making a comedy and tried to add
in some sort of punchline, no matter how weak or incongruous.
Smart has some sorry-ass backstory about how he used to be fat,
so he has lingering low self-esteem. I dated a really good-looking
girl once who revealed to me that she used to be overweight,
mainly because I hoped she had some lingering body images that
I could exploit. She didn't. What I learned is that when a girl
loses a lot of weight, she just might think I am a complete
idiot. Anyway, Carrell is very sensitive, very smart and not
particularly interesting. It's like someone had the dumb-ass
idea of putting the 40-year-old Virgin in a spy movie.
In a half-assed
way, Get Smart supposedly pays tribute to the old movie.
Bernie Koppel makes a cameo that isn't funny. And Carrell hops
in Don Adam's old Sunbeam convertible briefly. I'm not sure
if the gestures were meant lovingly or just rote. They feel
sucks. One Finger. I'm not gonna tell people to go rent
the original series, though, because it's probably held up to
time about as well as the roof the Tavern. So, skip the movie,
skip the TV series, and go find something new that, even if
it sucks, won't suck in a repeated way.
to tell Filthy Something?