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This week:

Scary Movie 2

Filthy says:
"They just don't care"

I know I'm going to hell. If it wasn't for the chromic masturbation or throwing eggs at the cops and blaming teenagers, I know that taking my retard cousin Larry to Scary Movie 2 is sending me straight to hell. And if there isn't a hell, someone will create one just for me. For now, I have to live with what I've done. Every time I see Larry for the rest of my life, I will see the sad, glossy faraway stare in his eyes and I'll know why. It's because I'm a fucking idiot.

FILTHY: Larry, will you please stop crying?

LARRY: I can't. It won't go away.

FILTHY: I said I was sorry.

LARRY: My eyeballs are burning, they burn, make it stop.

FILTHY: I can't. Only time will help.

LARRY: I want to die.

FILTHY: No, no, no, Larry.

LARRY: Why did you make me see that? Do you hate me?

FILTHY: Of course not. I love you. I'm sorry.

LARRY: Does the movie hate me?

FILTHY: Yes, Scary Movie 2 hates all moviegoers. Stop crying. Come here, come here and stop crying. It'll be okay. How could I have known it would be that bad? I didn't know that it was written by autistics and directed by a kindergartner with a $50 budget.

LARRY: But the poop and the peepee and the farting. It never stops. Make them stop. You know Gordie at the home; the one who drools?

FILTHY: Uh-huh?

LARRY: Even he gets sick of poopoo. And he's funnier. When he poops his pants and it makes stinky in the dining room, that doesn't make me as sad.

FILTHY: Scary Movie made you sad?

LARRY: I felt bad for the people in the movie. Mrs. Wilson says that I'm a retard but that doesn't mean I don't have dignity. She says I should never do things that make me feel bad or ashamed because someone asks me to. Even if they have candy. But these people are probably ashamed.

FILTHY: Well, that's supposed to be funny. All the stupid things, the constant pooping, peeing and farting, the throwing up, that's the comedy.

LARRY: That's not comedy.

FILTHY: What is it?

LARRY: It's sad.

FILTHY: Did you find anything funny?

LARRY: No. nothing.

FILTHY: Neither did I. Tell people the plot of the movie.

LARRY: There wasn't one.

FILTHY: If there was, what would it have been?

LARRY: Sad. It would make me cry even more.

FILTHY: Remember? There is a house and the kids go there.

LARRY: And there's a parrot and the parrot says dirty words. And all the kids go to the house because a scientist wants to do an experiment. And there is a guy with a cripple hand and he puts it in food and on people's heads. And he keeps doing this, and sometimes, remember, people laughed, but when he kept doing it, they stopped laughing.

FILTHY: Scary Movie 2 a spoof of the movie The Haunting. But it's not really a spoof because they don't mock that movie, they just rip off the plot because they're too fucking lazy to come up with their own. The kids are mostly the same as in the first, and s are any character-based jokes. Ha ha, Marlon Wayans is a stoner who can't get enough pot. Ha ha, Shawn Wayans is gay and he keeps putting his hands on men. Hee hee, Anna Farris is a shitty actress. And the rest of the movie is just a string of lame "spoofs" with no connection to the plot, no point and, worst of all, no laughs you can't see a mile away or that aren't botched by Keenen Ivory Wayans' shoddy direction. Spoofs can be funny if they have a point. But spoofs that only say "Hey, look, we saw that movie and can imitate it" are just lame. Even more pathetic is when the imitation looks cheap by comparison to the original.

LARRY: And boring. And sad. Do you think these people feel bad they made me cry?

FILTHY: No, they live in Hollywood. And in Hollywood you never have to say you're sorry.

LARRY: I want to live in Hollywood.

FILTHY: We all do. After all, there is no other business where you can care so little about quality. I mean, if a movie like Scary Movie 2 were a car, our highways would be littered with decapitated bodies and mangled wrecks. This piece of shit was written fast. The jokes are lazy and easy, and half the time there's a setup with no punchline. It's the kind of movie where the few potential laughs are killed by the shitty production and flat direction halfway through the gag.

LARRY: I wanted to see the Mouse and Dog.

FILTHY: Cats and Dogs. I'll take you to see that to show you how sorry I am.

LARRY: Mouse.


LARRY: Then I don't want to see it.

FILTHY: Let me do something to make it up to you.

LARRY: Make the hurt stop.

FILTHY: I can't.

LARRY: Then I want to die.

FILTHY: Do you want to have a sleep-over at my house? We can play with the slot cars?

LARRY: Can I sleep in the creepy room?


LARRY: And Mrs. Filthy will tell a funny story?

FILTHY: Maybe.

LARRY: (stops crying) Okay.

FILTHY: One Finger for Scary Movie 2.

LARRY: It's sad.


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