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This week:
You've Got Better Things to Do Than Endure the Zohan

Filthy says:
"Pure fucking torture."

Okay, here's what you do: you take all the illegal get-rich-quick scams, indoctrination materials for harmful cults and aspirin tablets spray-painted blue and labeled Viagra you can find. Then you head to the latest Adam Sandler movie and sell it to the gullible, illiterate jerkoffs that show up. Only the stupidest, most easily impressionable assholes will be there. That's because Sandler is the laziest, lamest, worst excuse for a comedian since Pontius Pilate. And that fucker wasn't trying to be funny.

You Don't Waste Time On the Zohan is even less funny and graceful than it's stupid-ass name. It's uglier and pastier than Sandler's stupid-ass face. Which, apparently, is being sold to us as sexy in this boiling pile of shit. What's remarkable is that Sandler hasn't grown up at all. He hasn't changed one bit. His first movie was as stupid and unfunny as a 40-pound tumor, and so is this. It is no more intelligent, no more original, has the same tired jokes that appeal to remedial high-school kids with head injuries and plotting that screams "I just don't fucking care!" louder than my mom used to on every Mother's Day.

Maybe Sandler is a severely retarded man. I thought acting that way was his unfunny schtick, but it's clear to me now that it is actually his unfunny existence. How else do you explain a man who is incapable of evolving or changing, who keeps laughing at the same fucking joke for 20 years? My retard cousin Larry still laughs when someone asks "Where's the Beef?", anyone gets hit in the nuts with a ball, yet he stopped smiling at Sandler.

Nobody, except the same morons who visit payday loan offices every fucking week, will laugh at the tragic cameos by all of Sandler's unemployable friends. Are we supposed to be thrilled to see Kevin Nealon and Rob Schneider? There is a reason these losers aren't in movies: because they aren't fucking funny or likable. I don't care who Sandler smokes dope with, and don't need to see Sandler's buddies rewarded for sticking around with tiresome guest appearances.

In What a Mess is the Zohan, the Sandler team of incompetent pals makes a half-assed attempt to add some substance to Sandler. They give us a third-grade homily about Israeli-Palestinian relations that boils down to "They should try harder to get along." It's not a dumbed down political message because of the target audience, it's as much thinking or trying as anyone in Sandler's circle feels like doing. I'm no political genius, but I found this crap-ass, lazy sermonizing was insulting and infantile. Someone involved with the movie should have listened to NPR for an hour. It would have doubled their knowledge base.

The movie sort of wants to convince us that Sandler's sexy. He's shirtless a lot, and looks like he spent two weeks doing twenty-minute-a-day workouts on a low-rent home gym. Once again, his attempt is half-assed. He does have a codpiece the size of a ling cod, though. Man, that's some funny shit. He has a hot-looking girlfriend and fucks about 100 women in the movie, all of whom we are told are highly satisfied and begging for more. At the beginning of You Don't Care About the Zohan, Sandler is an ace Israeli soldier. he starts out as one, despite the doughy body, so we never even get to see how someone who has no interest in fighting or exercising becomes the best counter-terrorist in the world.

What Sandler really wants is to be a hairdresser in Manhattan. I think that's supposed to be hilarious. It certainly leads to a buttload of lame hairdressers-are-gay punchlines, the worst of which are by old people. Sandler fakes his own death and disappears from Israel. he reappears in New York with an ancient hairstyling book and then, with the speed of a constipated man trying to jettison a Big Mac, he works his way up from hair sweeper to clipper. Mostly he fucks old women who, according to this movie, are all horny as shit to get screwed by an indiscriminate barber. Of course, his arch-enemy Palestinian tracks him down to kill him. Only, they have to work together to stop a greedy developer. Which they do. Maybe somewhere in all the trite Electric Boogaloo plot cliches there is supposed to be a satire of something: stereotypes, lame plots, bad dialog, hairdressing, Israeli-Palestinian conflict. If there is, it was lost on me because of the smell-ass acting, flat-as-a-teen-gymnast's-chest directing, and the onslaught of inane pre-pubescent jokes. Besides, I doubt it. This group of guys has shown absolutely no ability for effort, subtlety, originality or cleverness. They just suck cornhole.

And fuck Sandler for that, even if he is retarded. One Finger for You Don't Rent the Zohan.

Want to tell Filthy Something?



Dan Storey of MTV

The Happening is "A brilliant, nail-bitingly ferocious thriller. A welcome return to form for Shymalan. Fantastic, will have you hanging off the edge of your seat!"

Not sitting- hanging- off the edge of your seat. By your ass? Is that a prehensile ass?

Filthy's Reading
Edward Chupak - Silver

Listening to
Silver Jews - Tanglewood Numbers


The 400 Blows