here's what you do: you take all the illegal get-rich-quick
scams, indoctrination materials for harmful cults and aspirin
tablets spray-painted blue and labeled Viagra you can find.
Then you head to the latest Adam Sandler movie and sell it to
the gullible, illiterate jerkoffs that show up. Only the stupidest,
most easily impressionable assholes will be there. That's because
Sandler is the laziest, lamest, worst excuse for a comedian
since Pontius Pilate. And that fucker wasn't trying to be funny.
Waste Time On the Zohan is even less funny and graceful
than it's stupid-ass name. It's uglier and pastier than Sandler's
stupid-ass face. Which, apparently, is being sold to us as sexy
in this boiling pile of shit. What's remarkable is that Sandler
hasn't grown up at all. He hasn't changed one bit. His first
movie was as stupid and unfunny as a 40-pound tumor, and so
is this. It is no more intelligent, no more original, has the
same tired jokes that appeal to remedial high-school kids with
head injuries and plotting that screams "I just don't fucking
care!" louder than my mom used to on every Mother's Day.
is a severely retarded man. I thought acting that way was his
unfunny schtick, but it's clear to me now that it is actually
his unfunny existence. How else do you explain a man who is
incapable of evolving or changing, who keeps laughing at the
same fucking joke for 20 years? My retard cousin Larry still
laughs when someone asks "Where's the Beef?", anyone gets hit
in the nuts with a ball, yet he stopped smiling at Sandler.
except the same morons who visit payday loan offices every fucking
week, will laugh at the tragic cameos by all of Sandler's unemployable
friends. Are we supposed to be thrilled to see Kevin Nealon
and Rob Schneider? There is a reason these losers aren't in
movies: because they aren't fucking funny or likable. I don't
care who Sandler smokes dope with, and don't need to see Sandler's
buddies rewarded for sticking around with tiresome guest appearances.
a Mess is the Zohan, the Sandler team of incompetent pals
makes a half-assed attempt to add some substance to Sandler.
They give us a third-grade homily about Israeli-Palestinian
relations that boils down to "They should try harder to get
along." It's not a dumbed down political message because of
the target audience, it's as much thinking or trying as anyone
in Sandler's circle feels like doing. I'm no political genius,
but I found this crap-ass, lazy sermonizing was insulting and
infantile. Someone involved with the movie should have listened
to NPR for an hour. It would have doubled their knowledge base.
sort of wants to convince us that Sandler's sexy. He's shirtless
a lot, and looks like he spent two weeks doing twenty-minute-a-day
workouts on a low-rent home gym. Once again, his attempt is
half-assed. He does have a codpiece the size of a ling cod,
though. Man, that's some funny shit. He has a hot-looking girlfriend
and fucks about 100 women in the movie, all of whom we are told
are highly satisfied and begging for more. At the beginning
of You Don't Care About the Zohan, Sandler is an ace
Israeli soldier. he starts out as one, despite the doughy body,
so we never even get to see how someone who has no interest
in fighting or exercising becomes the best counter-terrorist
in the world.
really wants is to be a hairdresser in Manhattan. I think that's
supposed to be hilarious. It certainly leads to a buttload of
lame hairdressers-are-gay punchlines, the worst of which are
by old people. Sandler fakes his own death and disappears from
Israel. he reappears in New York with an ancient hairstyling
book and then, with the speed of a constipated man trying to
jettison a Big Mac, he works his way up from hair sweeper to
clipper. Mostly he fucks old women who, according to this movie,
are all horny as shit to get screwed by an indiscriminate barber.
Of course, his arch-enemy Palestinian tracks him down to kill
him. Only, they have to work together to stop a greedy developer.
Which they do. Maybe somewhere in all the trite Electric
Boogaloo plot cliches there is supposed to be a satire of
something: stereotypes, lame plots, bad dialog, hairdressing,
Israeli-Palestinian conflict. If there is, it was lost on me
because of the smell-ass acting, flat-as-a-teen-gymnast's-chest
directing, and the onslaught of inane pre-pubescent jokes. Besides,
I doubt it. This group of guys has shown absolutely no ability
for effort, subtlety, originality or cleverness. They just suck
Sandler for that, even if he is retarded. One Finger
for You Don't Rent the Zohan.
to tell Filthy Something?