for one, will welcome our alien overlords when they come. Maybe
they will enslave us all and strap the humans to machines that
continuously milk our prostates for the vital juices the extra-terrestrials
need to survive. Maybe they will scorch the earth and rend from
its soil all of the natural resources and riches. Maybe they'll
force us all to work in factories making frozen bean and cheese
burritos to be sold at 7-Eleven. Any of these would be better
than the way things are now. First, the enslavement would be
sweet. Have you ever seen how hot chicks look when they are
scantily clad and bound in chains? Even the skinny girls. I'd
take a chance that I might get shackled to one of the hot chicks
in the laundry dungeon. Second, scorching the earth wouldn't
be much worse than another Starbuck's on the corner. Actually,
I've never been in a Starbuck's, but I've noticed that the people
going in are assholes, and the people coming out are assholes.
So, whatever they sell isn't helping those people. Third, if
you've ever spent ten bucks on convenience store burritos, you
know it ain't hard to make them. Hell, sometimes they don't
even bother putting in beans or cheese, just rats and boogers
and short curly hairs. That can't be worse than working at the
Family Dollar. Finally, if alien overlords take over the world,
they're gonna make better movies than The Day the Earth Stood
Still. They couldn't possibly make them worse.
The only thing that
would make aliens suck ass is if they were as preachy and judgmental
as, say, my family. "You ruin everything!" "Don't bother now,
it's too late!" and "God dammit, Matt! You just drank Mom's
bone medicine!" Naggy, pompous aliens are exactly the kind that
come to visit in The Day the Earth Stood Still, a John
Tesh-sized pile of new age turd. It is a remake of a pretty
boring 1951 movie that was supposed to be a cold war message
about the race to nuclear annihilation.
In this new, more
boring version, Keanu Reeves plays Klaatu, a human-looking alien
from far, far away who has come to repossess the earth. Apparently,
humans aren't doing a good enough job with it, so we need to
be wiped out. Jennifer Connelly, whose hotness is as wasted
as the Harelip on the fifth of each month, plays an astrobiology
professor who, along with a nuclear physicist, and a civil engineer,
is abducted by the federal government,. The feds have spotted
a UFO approaching the earth and want help. First, professors
don't know jack shit about solving problems. All they know about
is finding them and then asking for money to study them. Second,
the only thing civil engineers know how to do is stick their
thumbs up their asses and declare themselves water-tight.
When the UFO lands,
Keanu Reeves pops out, along with a giant robot whose face lights
up like KITT from Knight Rider. Mostly, the giant robot
stands around, bored and sulking, like a teenager in a small
town. It's hard to tell which is a worse or more stiff actor
between Reeves and the robot, but I'm gonna have to go with
the dude. Somehow, he's found his perfect role: a flat-faced
dullard who shows no emotion and speaks in monotone.
Connelly, a lonely
widower, befriends him and tries to talk him out of his plan,
which is to kill off all the humans so the earth "can heal itself".
It's some new-agey bullshit like that mostly seen in the liner
notes of Enya records or in the homemade brochures of aromatherapists
in Sedona who will rent you time in their copper pyramids.
The bulk of the movie
is a slow-motion, uninteresting chase where Reeves, Connelly
and a sassy little boy ride around in a hybrid Honda Civic trying
to avoid the dimmest government agents outside of real government
agents. Reeves never even breaks a sweat or tries much to hide.
If they can't find a space alien not trying to hide along the
eastern seaboard, no wonder the pigs can't catch Osama bin Laden,
D. B. Cooper or the fucker who stole my Schwinn Sting Ray when
I was seven.
is supposed to be the product of a genetic sample the aliens
took 80 years ago. In the movie, he meets with another alien
in human form, an old Chinese man, who has been on earth for
decades. Where the fuck did his genetic code come from? How
many more are there? Is this supposedly advanced group of space
aliens basing their decision to wipe out the human race on the
data provided by a single old dude who likes McDonald's coffee
and needs his grandson to drive him around? Fuck, these space
aliens may be as bad at science as the makers of this movie
are at science fiction.
In the end, Reeves
decides that the human race can change enough to save the earth
themselves. Save it from what is never made clear. Probably
because the Hollywood grassfuckers who dumped this steamer are
a bunch of pussies. They're such big fucking babies that they
made a huge blockbuster "message" movie but pussed out on actually
stating a message. They're too fucking scared of AM radio talk
show hosts to say "save the earth from environmental destruction"
or "save the earth from our violent tendencies" or "save the
earth from Arena Football and NASCAR". God forbid, you wouldn't
want to fire up dumbfucks like Glenn Beck or Neal Boortz or
any of the other dickweeds whose job it is to feign self-righteous
outrage. Their wingnut listeners might just blog about it. Instead,
the movie just says the earth is dying and it's our fault. Fucking
Reeves, being the
advanced space race he is, sees Connelly and her stepson in
a weak plot contrivance, bawling their eyes out and promising
they'll be nicer to each other. He decides that, okay, he'll
spare the human race after all. This is supposed to trigger
the final act and the story's climax. There's not much to it,
though. The silly-looking robot shown earlier dissolves into
little metal-eating locusts who can eat anything in their path,
but only eat large objects suitable for special effects. Reeves
stops them by holding out his hands. The earth returns to normal.
The alien splits without even telling the humans how to fix
shit up. The end.
Besides the obvious
problem of the movie sucking so hard it could take the wiener
right out of a corn dog, it's absurd. We're supposed to feel
guilty just because some space alien says we're fucking up the
planet? That it's not our planet to fuck up? Fuck the
busybody from outer space. Why the fuck is everyone feeling
so guilty in this movie and just accepting the alien is right?
All the movie's characters say "we can change." Where is that
old American spirit of at least asking how and what does he
mean, and let's see some proof. And let's see what you did with
your planet that makes it so great? The Day the Earth Stood
Still is populated by people who have some deep-seated guilt
and are just waiting for some outsider to say "shame, shame."
That's not the earthlings I know. The ones I know tell busybodies
to go fuck themselves and are proud of themselves, regardless
of being right or wrong. Case in point: every fucker who bases
his global warming position on what he wants to believe, not
piece of fucking shit from a motherfucker's ass. This movie
is about as retarded as my cousin Larry, but without any of
the charm and with a hell of a lot more shit in its trousers.
The acting is stilted and dull. The action is almost non-existent.
The most exciting things that happen are a kid almost falls
off a bridge and a bunch of bugs eat a truck. The special effects
suck corn ass. I think they were going for some sort of update
of the original 1950's The Day the Earth Stood Still,
which you'll hear a lot of people rave about. Be careful, it's
a pretty damn boring and preachy movie too.
Beyond sucking every
orifice on a goat, the "science" in the science fiction is about
as reliable as the technology behind "Seen on TV" gas-saving
devices and anything Billy Mays sells. Connelly is an astrobiologist,
but somehow she also knows her way around a pharmacy and how
to give shots? Remind me to have an economics professor look
me over next time I have the flu. When faced with what is obviously
a space alien, the world's top scientists want to get his heart
rate. To compare to what? What fucking information would that
give, even assuming some extra-terrestrial life-form has a heart.
It just goes to show, once again, that bad writers and directors
can't create characters smarter than themselves.
Bring it on, space
aliens. Come to our planet, enslave us, kill us. Whatever you
need to do. Just don't make any more shitty movies. One Finger
for The Day the Earth Stood Still.
to tell Filthy Something?