I watched The Departed on Friday night.
It's a week old, but holy shit, the new releases all looked
unwatchable. And to go see The Grudge 2 would mean sitting
in a theater full of teenagers. I'd rather bust my teeth opening
bottles than do that.
Anyway, The Departed, based on Hong Kong's
Infernal Affairs is slick and cool and has more starpower
than Griffith's Observatory. If you're into the kinds of thriller
novels men buy in airports, you should see it. It's a thriller
filled with twists and turns, confused loyalties, hubris, pubris
and probably some lubris. To me, it was a little too slick and
a little too much story over character. It wavered between insanely
clever and just thinking it was being insanely clever. Loud
gunshots aren't heard when it's convenient for them not to be,
and heard when it's convenient for them to be. I didn't get
too terribly excited. Three Fingers.
What pissed me off, though, was a trailer. Rocky
VI. Did you know they were making that? I sure as hell didn't.
Why the fuck are they? What sort of fucking moron would want
to see it? The only reason I can think of is if Sylvester Stallone
really did get the shit kicked out of him. I'd pay $1.50, then,
but show up late and leave early.
Nobody who actually likes movies wants to see
it, and only one person wants to make it. Stallone's had a long-ass
career littered with more turds than the petting zoo at a bankrupt
amusement park. He's made exactly two critically acclaimed movie
in his thirty years, and of those only Death Race 2000
isn't schmaltzy feel-good crowd-pleasing donkey balls.
Yet, here he is, making an absolute fool of
himself in some dumb fucking story about how Rocky, somewhere
older than 60, is gonna get himself in shape to fight the new
world champion. Oh, here's the hook for the video-game generation:
he's inspired by an ESPN computer simulation that shows that
in his prime, he could have beaten the modern champ. Either
he wins or he loses, but either way, Rocky shows us he's got
heart and class.
Stallone sure as fuck doesn't. He's a washed-up
two-bit hack who keeps dredging the same God damn well over
and over for his ego's sake. Don't be confused: this fucking
movie has nothing to do with the characters. It has to do with
Stallone. Rocky VI is about Stallone showing us he';s
still got it. Which he doesn't. Clearly. Or else, why would
he be cranking out such a creatively bankrupt dogshit? Is a
Rambo sequel next? Is Stallone incapable of a) just shutting
the fuck up and fading away, or b) coming up with an original
Why is Hollywood bankrolling this crap? Because
this is how fucking scared they are. Unimaginative, cowardly
grassfuckers who would rather put their money into a known commodity,
no matter how shitty, than go out on a limb with a new writer
or a new idea. I guarantee there are 10,000 better stories out
there dying to be made, but oooo, it's scary trying something
new! Fucking pussies. Fuck 'em all. I hope nobody goes to see
Stallone's old, saggy ass body. Fuck him and fuck all the enablers
in the studios.
Hollywood, you suck way too often.