know that Fired Up was rated PG-13 until I got to the
theater. I figured that horny guys at cheerleader camp in what
billed as a raunchy comedy would be an automatic R-rating and
a cavalcade of boobs. That's the only reason I wanted to see
it. Knockers raining down, bouncing, jiggling, and swinging.
A sea of nipples pointed skyward, some small, some large, some
soft, some erect. A dip in an Olympic-sized pool of mammaries,
with every backstroke caressing the goose-pimpled flesh of young
women until exhaustion sets in and I was drowned and suffocated
in warm flesh.
think every movie must show women's breasts, although they are
enhancers like black truffles or sea salt is to a fine meal.
I think the only reason for a movie as crappy as Fired Up
to exist is as a boob-delivery device. Without them, it's like
opiate-free heroin or odorless mineral spirits. Without breasts,
you're left with a terrible plot, lousy actors, shitty direction
and unfunny jokes.
Up, which thinks the oversized FU in its advertising is
clever even though it's too pussified to say "fuck", shows no
nipples, no boobs and nearly no interest in them. Nobody sneaks
into the girls' showers, nobody's top gets blown off by the
wind or accidentally caught on a cactus. No scene of young ladies
sunning turns into a sweaty, slick erotic massage. There's a
skinny-dipping scene but the girls swim in their underwear.
That's about as lame as half the dicks at a VFW circle jerk.
Up is a fucking disgrace. It's a travesty. Maybe it's a
product of our complacency. Maybe it could have been stopped
if we had the courage to stand up and say, "We won't see bad
movies without tits." While in the theater, I was reminded of
the Holocaust. When the Nazis came for the Jews, the gypsies
said, "Well, at least it's not us," so they let the Jews get
hauled away. When they came for the gypsies, the people with
real jobs and homes shrugged with indifference. When it was
the commies' and gays' turns, the straight capitalists looked
away. When the stormtroopers started taking everyone else, it
finally seemed like a good idea to fight back. It was too late,
happening in Hollywood. First, the grassfuckers stop making
jokes at the expense of the handicapped. Then, drunkards are
no longer funny; they're sad victims of a disease. Now, they're
taking the perky nips and raunch out of teen sex comedies. But
I don't hear anyone standing up and shouting, "This is an outrage!
We want titties!" Well, other than me, and an asshole usher
told me to sit down or I'd have to leave. What's next? Propaganda
films? Pay It Forward 2? More Bette Midler weepies? When
will we, as a society, fight back and say enough? Even if you
don't care about seeing breasts, ladies and gentlemen, you need
to stand up and join the fight now.
I hope it's
not too late already. Because I absolutely love boobs.
Up, two macho high school jocks (Nicholas D'Agosto - 28
years old, and Eric Christian Olsen - 32 years old) decide they've
had all the sex they're gonna get with the cute girls at their
own school. They skip summer football training for cheerleader
camp. They've never cheered before and have no interest in it,
but they figure there will be loads of hot chicks itching to
get the old Turducken treatment. The plan is to have loads of
sex and then ditch the camp and all the girls.
these two cads get to camp and one falls in love with the only
girl who doesn't fall for their shit. Falling for her changes
him into a better person, but she discovers he came to camp
just to get laid. When she learns his ulterior motives, she
gets mad and sad, and he has to explain that, yes, he came to
get laid, but he has changed and he'll prove it by cheering.
Both guys discover they care about cheering and want their squad
to win, after all. They will put in the hard work, and give
the pep talks to make it happen. All the while, ladies' tops
should fall off, but don't.
Up is way worse than a shitty movie. All of the above happens,
except the nudity. It's like non-alcohol beer, or like the raunchy
teen sex comedy as rewritten by the people behind High School
Musical or one of those super crappy Christian-themed movies
like Fireproof. That is, movies that want to feel authentic
but have so many fucking rules to follow that they end up fake
and stiff. What the fuck? Why would anyone make this movie?
Why would some guy named Freedom Jones write it?
Freedom Jones is for two kinds of people: mid-80s action heroes
with mullets and Trans Ams, and pompous dicks. I'm pretty sure
this dude is the latter. The movie's two jocks sound exactly
alike: like a bad screenwriter who certain he's funny with no
evidence to prove it. The dialogue is rapid-fire and loaded
with puns and tired gags, sort of like a Wal-Mart version of
the annoying speechifying in Juno. One of the protagonists
is supposed to be smart, but I never figured out which because
they both jabber without saying anything. The other, I guess,
is just an asshole.
women are all about as dumb as concrete. They swoon for the
assholes, only taking time out to act like bitches or take part
in weak lesbian gags that go nowhere. Even the one girl who's
supposed to be hard to get puts up a fight as pathetic as the
Italians against the Ethiopians.
predictable premise there is a slew of characters so obvious
they can't possibly be funny. The cheer camp is run by a man
with a hot wife who everyone assumes is gay, and who keeps putting
his hands on naked boys. The jocks' roommates are both gay,
one flamboyant and always making air snaps and talking sassy.
The cute girl has a boyfriend who is such a douche that you
have to figure she must be one too to like him. Of course, he
gets his comeuppance. The one openly gay character is a condescending
stereotype. He's so fucking flamboyant as to be harmlessly asexual,
like a muppet or something. That's so you won't be scared of
him the way you are supposed to be of the other gay content.
Thee jokes in Fired Up take about as much effort to write
as it does to shit after eating at Wendy's. And they aren't
any funnier than when they appeared in Revenge of the Nerd
twenty years ago.
Up is terrible. It's just unbelievably bad, corny, tired
and sad. It's like a dirty syringe: you know it's a bad idea,
but the cravings are overpowering. Only, once you've plunged
it into your vein, you learn it's filled with harmless saline
solution. You get the hepatitis without the high. The shitty
movie without the tits. One Finger for Fired Up.
to tell Filthy Something?