Archives Ratings Mrs. Filthy Gooden Worsted

The votes are in. About 500 people were able to submit ballots, and probably another 100 had their ballots disappear into some vast Internet wasteland because I am too fucking stupid to figure out a really good way to do the voting. Six-hundred people is about 3% of the people who read the column each week, so where were the rest of you fuckers? Fuck you for reading these results if you didn't vote. Seriously, fuck you, you lazy assholes. You don't deserve to enjoy the work of other people.

So, here, in three parts are the results of your hard work and opinions. The first part is the actual voting totals. The second part is all of the fucking foul things you had to say. The last part is your comments with my responses wherever I could think of something to say that didn't make me look like an asshole or idiot.

1. You Suck - Worst Acting
Who, in your opinion were the worst actors in 2000. Who overacted, underacted, didn't try or couldn't act his or her way out of a paper bag? Whose performance pissed you off the most last year?

Adam Sandler - 144 votes
John Travolta - 90
Freddie Prinze, Jr.-74
Nicolas Cage -50

Charlize Theron - 104
Minnie Driver - 77
Julie Stiles - 64
Christine Baranski - 30
Connie Nielsen -24

No surprise here. Adam Sandler is just a fucking embarrassment to his type of people, wealthy retards. One person said he voted for Nicolas Cage because it was too easy to vote for Sandler. I disagree. I think if Sandler is the fucking worst every year, he should be voted the worst.

"Keep ripping Adam Sandler for the lazy unfunny asshole he is."

"Freddie Prinze, Jr. can't act, which is evident in the one character he repeatedly tries to play."

"Zorie Barber (Whipped) deserves the prize simply for standing but (in a horrible movie full of horrible acting and horrible scenes) as a REALLY shitty actor."

"I don't think you're hard enough on John Travolta considering what a fucking wanker he is."

"And a special thank for dumping loads of shit on Adam Sandler."

"Why didn't you include the porcupine-humping, hairy-humpback circus-midget Robin Williams?"

"Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Adam Sandler are both castrated fur-sniffing, swelling-diarrhea-soaked-nipple munches who deserve to have firecrackers inserted in their eyes."

"Freddie Prinze, Jr. epitomizes the notion that good-looking people have it easier than the rest of us. What a horrible fuck of an actor!"

"Can no one else see what a shitty actor Nicolas Cage is? Can no one else see how fucking ugly he is? Maybe his acting seems brilliant compared to how ugly he is."

It was refreshing to see Charlize "Miss Nondescript 1987" Theron top the shitty actresses list. She's an embarrassment, the kind of person who probably likes to talk about her shoes and kisses her dogs on the lips. Fucking boring hag. I doubt many people saw Minnie Driver in her two bombs this year but she's sort of like the Velvet Undergound. They say nobody ever bought VU records, but everyone who did went on to start a band. With Driver, not many people saw her, but those who did went on to scratch their eyeballs out. Julia Stiles bugs the shit out of me. God, I hate her ass-face (with apologies to christopher Guest). It should be noted that several people voted John Travolta worst actress. However, you people have some level of decorum, you're much less willing to badmouth the ladies as the men. Many of you want to rip Helen Hunt a new asshole, which I thought was a nice sentiment.

"Please, Filthy, it's imperative that you mention all the whoring Helen Hunt does."

"Helen Hunt, seriously, do you have to hog all the stupid, lame-ass broad parts in one year?"

2. You're Okay In My Book - Best Acting
Well, actors are a strange breed, and even great actors are probably weirdos. But, thank God some of them took up acting. Otherwise, we'd all get pretty fucking sick of watching animals in the movies. Here's your chance to send a few Wendy's gift certificates to your favorite performers.

Russell Crowe - 186 votes
Godzilla - 68
Tom Hanks - 50
Jon C. Reilly -41
Joaquin Phoenix - 36

Zhang Ziyi - 161
Julia Roberts - 75
Kate Winslet - 65
Catherine O'Hara - 46
Linda Blair -31

Russell Crowe is fucking amazing. So, why does he have such bad fucking tastein women? Meg Ryan, that flop-titted, button-nosed hag? Courtney Love, the human tick? Hey, Russell, I hear Liz Taylor is available. Godzilla turns in a fucking great performance in Godzilla 2000. It's both subtle and destructive.

"I'm glad someone noticed a great actor like John C. Reilly. He's my favorite actor and I hope he wins."

"It's time Godzilla got the recognition it deserves."


"I wish I could vote for both John C. Reilly and Godzilla simultaneously."

Now, Zhang Ziyi can kick my ass and ride me like the swayback nag I am any time she wants. Oh, crap, a hot chick with that much life in her eyes is, literally, wet dream fodder. I think Julia is a better actress, and that's not just because she and I are getting married. She's the only fucking actress in America that can make a "romantic comedy" both of those things. I would love to have her scramble my eggs. Kate Winslet deserves two trophies, one for each lip-quivering tit.

"Mrs. Filthy for faking her orgasms." Ha ha, buddy, but the joke's on you. She doesn't even bother faking them.

3. Most Fuckable
The actor or actress you most want to lay isn't necessarily the best at his or her job. It's the one who looks like he or she'd be the most fun in the sack. Big tits, big dicks, nice muscles, something in their eyes, etc... You may choose a male or a female you want to fuck, but not both. Only fill in one of these two categories (nobody is allowed to be greedy and take one of each).

Russell Crowe - 45 votes
Filthy Critic - 9
Harrison Ford - 8
Denzel Washington -8
Wes Bentley - 5
Tom Cruise - 5

Heather Graham - 85
Lucy Liu - 62
Cameron Diaz - 61
Rebecca Romijn - 35
Penelope Cruz -31

Well, you people are shit-for-brains when following directions. Bonus points for the handful of you who actually followed the instructions directly above in bold. I had to take away several votes for myself by men who want to screw me and some hot chick because I assumed they thought they had to choose one of each and I was the man who was least threatening to their manhood. One jackass entered "I'm not a fag, asshole." First, I may be an asshole but you can't follow directions for shit. Second, I bet you are gay if you protest that much at a form on a computer screen. There is nothing to be ashamed about, gay men get more action in general. So, my second place finish is just among the ladies and gay men, not these newly bi-sexual swingers. Godzilla got two votes, but I bet he would leave some killer stretch marks. I imagine he likes it doggy-style.

"What woman wouldn't fuck Harrison Ford? When you still look like bedcandy at his age you deserve a Goddamned medal." Bedcandy or bedpan?

"Ben Affleck is like one of those smarmy frat boys trying to trick you into thinking he's sensitive so he can get you back to his frat lair. Russell Crowe, on the other hand... hubba hubba."

"I had a hard time with my choice for Most Fuckable because Russell Crowe is definitely one of the hottest on the planet, but dammit Filthy, I love your mind." Yeah, right, put Russell and me on two beds and you walk in and you know exactly who you'd fuck --him. after all, I'm the scrawny lame one with the limp dick and no mind in the world makes up for that.

On the ladies' side, Miss Heather Graham was once again the most fuckable starlet in the land. Is it those big eyes, the lips, those unbelievably beautiful tits, the legs, or how she just always looks like she wants sex? Lucy Liu? Man, I'll pass on that cross-eyed mess and move right on to Penelope Cruz. She looks like she enjoys sex. Oh man, she's giving me a boner right now.

"Sandra Bullock gets most fuckable, because with a mouthful of cock she'll finally shut the fuck up."

"Heather Graham will always be at the top of my Most Fuckable list." Really? Always? I want to see you saying that 60 years from now when she's some hunched-over, flabby-titted senior who is still dumb as a rock and can't act.

"Jennifer Lopez is a hot pieces of ass."

"I am looking forward to Katie Holmes tits in The Gift. Will it be too much to ask to see Jennifer Love Hewitt in a very naked role? Kirsten Dunst?" No, I do not think that is too much to ask. I think you are being very reasonable.

"I want the girl from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon to spar with me--if you know what I mean."

"Angelina Jolie should have been on the Most Fuckable list. She has lips that could suck the chrome off a trailler hitch." Yeah, right, and have Billy Bob hunt me down and cut off my nuts?

4. Most Overrated Movie
This isn't necessarily the worst movie of the year, just the one that was the biggest disappointment. What movie got way more hype than it deserved? What movie wasn't very good, but the critics flocked to it like flies to shit?

Unbreakable - 120 votes
Charlie's Angels - 103
Almost Famous - 83
Quills - 18
Traffic - 18

So I'm not the only one that thought Unbreakable was a Goddamn scam. A few people came to that dogshit's defense, but they couldn't do it without mentioning comic books somehow. Those comic-book geeks just don't get it, do they? We don't want to live in your geeky little world. Others defended it by bringing up the (bogus) story that it's one part of a trilogy. Yes, that story is as phony as Denise Richards' tits.

"What was Bruce Willis thinking when he did M. Knight Shamalamadingdong's movie?" You have to be some kind of pathetic idiot to finally realize after some 35+ years that you have super-human strength."

"Charlie's Fucking Angels is a soft porn without the porn, and not even a good one, on drugs and metal music. If I want porn I'll watch Skinemax at 3 a.m." Yeah, well, some of us aren't rich enough for premium channels.

"I thought Cast Away sucked."

"Mission Impossible 2 has to be one of the shittiest movies of the year... What a steaming pile of shit."

"What the fuck is up with giving Charlie's Angels three stars?" I don't know, you'll have to tell me who it is that gives "stars."

"I hated Unbreakable the way garbagemen hate Christmas."

"Shaft really blew the big one, as did PU-571."

"I don't care about Cameron Crowe and his little adventure."

"I liked Gladiator, but I liked it better when it was called Braveheart."

5. Most Underrated Movie
What movie was better than you expected, better than you hoped? What did the critics bash, but you liked? It may not be the best, but the one you were dragged to by friends, and then had to grudgingly admit you were glad you went to.

Best In Show - 126 votes
Godzilla 2000 - 76
Almost Famous - 41
Wonder Boys -39
Battlefield Earth - 11

Best in Show is a funny flick. One person mentioned it was the only movie that made him laugh all year. Well, Meet the Parents made me laugh, too. But, it's skull-fuckingly lame how many"comedies" are geared toward people who laugh at "Garfield" and think Hallmark greeting cards represent their true feelings. This year I got a lot of hate mail from people who were pissed that I said classic-rock listeners were not allowed to e-mail me about that shitty flick Almost Famous. They thought I was violating their rights or somehow being unjust. Like the Filthy Critic web site is the fucking Hague. Well, fuck them. It's my web site and I can do whatever I want. There is no supreme code of behavior that dictates who I have to be nice to. If I had my choice, anyone that ever saw Phish live, owned a Pink Floyd record, or knew Mr. Spock's first name would not be granted access to it. And I don't give a whore's mouth full of come if that bothers you. And now some of you assholes will get offended again. But why? To be offended means you care what I think of you, and that's even more pathetic than collecting comic books. Fuck "classic" rock, except for Creedence and some Rolling Stones.

"I thought Nurse Betty was thought-provoking and funny as hell."

"Most often in recent years, the (good movies) have been from Asia: Godzilla, Crouching Tiger, Drunken Master."

"Please don't sell Crouching Tiger short by nominating it as an underrated movie. It made me happy... give it a break." Ummmm, Does someone want to tell this person what "underrated" means?

"Godzilla 2000 revitalized my belief in good cinema, and confirmed my belief that Japanese Society is on the Great Big Rocket Sled to HELL."

"Best in show was the funniest movie I saw since South Park."

"Why I liked Battlefield Earth: I thought John Travolta was wonderful as a bad motherfucker. And the movie looked really cool. Plus, I think you can add a Harrier Jump Jet to any movie and improve it by an order of magnitude; if they had put a Jump Jet in the trailer for Bounce, I would have gone to see it in a second!" Yeah, but you would have been pissed.

6. A Pox on Film History - Worst Movie of 2000
What was the worst disaster in the movies this year? There are so many worthy of being labeled worst, but you must narrow it down to one choice, one movie that you would like to see me take a big stinky dump on.

Shittiest Flick
Battlefield Earth - 98 votes
Grinch - 77
Mission to Mars - 60
Little Nicky -56
Blair Witch 2 - 52
Coyote Ugly - 33
Whipped - 14

This category was like a theology test. there were no wrong answers and an infinite number of correct ones. I'll let you guys do most of the talking here, because you all seemed to feel pretty strongly about the rimjobs Hollywood gave us. Let me say two things, though. First, I wish you all could have seen Whipped just so you'd know how brutally bad this movie was. It was beyond bad, beyond so bad it's funny, beyond so bad it's awful and into an area where it was so bad it was morally reprehensible and technically incompetent. It was amazing. Second, I fucking forgot to put Pay It forward on the list of worst and it truly was. It was Hollywood spending millions of dollars to cram their bullshit message down our throats.

"Oh, my holy God did Little Nicky ever suck. Suck doesn't even begin to describe it."

"Fuck you for giving away the ending to Pay It Forward, you inconsiderate fuck." Believe me, I feel no shame or remorse for that, and I never will. Hollywood didn't deserve to keep that bullshit ending from us.

"I bet you never thought wiping fresh human shit on the screen could make a movie more entertaining, then you didn't see Battlefield Earth." Sorry, that's one bet you'd lose. In fact, I have done some small-scale experiments on my TV at home.

"I thought I was going to Coyote Ugly to see Cocktail with big tits, but what I got was my local pub having amateur night."

"Fuck Down to You and fuck people who thought it was cute. Claire Forlani is hot." Yes, yes and yes.

"The Grinch deserves special honors just for taking something loved by all and smothering it under hideous makeup, fake snow, and glitz until it means the opposite of its origins."

"A big fuck you to Hollywood for being unable to come up with something that I couldn't predict the ending to by the time I was done watching the trailers."

"Jerry Bruckheimer should be shot before he strikes again. Every movie he makes sucks. They're like two hour beer ads. It's like he makes movies for the smallest demographic in the world: 26-year-old, never-gonna-have-an-original-thought, cheap-beer-drinking-whassup-saying, $35k-a-year, empty-headed-ex-frat-boys with thinning hair." I could not have said this any better. That's fucking beautiful.

"Down to You was the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. If I had to choose between watching that movie again and eating the corn out of my rank-nastiest, funktastic beer shits, I'd be chowin' the dirty corn." How about if it was between watching it again or eating my cornshit? I can arrange something.

"The Grinch was a disgusting, shit-riddled tribute to consumer stupidity and Jim Carrey's fucking ego."

"Personally, I feel Battlefield Earth is the worst movie ever made. Worse, even, than the debacle that was The Grinch."

While on a flight from Toronto to San Francisco, I was subjected to Mission to Mars. Despite the obvious danger, I almost walked out."

"The best actor in Mission to Mars was clearly the guy from Sliders. This is with that creepy prick Tim Robbins, Gary Sinise, Annette Bening and Don Cheadle (who really didn't suck as mightily as the others) all in the cast. Christ, what a turd that movie was." One correction, that wasn't Annette Bening, that was low-rent imitation Connie Nielsen.

"Missions to Mars was, by far and away, the worst fucking film I ever had the great displeasure of seeing."

"Missions to Mars was the only movie, ever, I have had the urge to walk out of."

"Boys and Girls was the biggest pile of shit I've seen in a long time (besides Blair Witch 2, Down to You, and any Affleck-Damon movie)."

"Boys and Girls pissed me off so much. Good God, I'd rather stab off my own testicles with a blunt pencil that see it again." Man, we need to get you together with the corn-eater. I'm sure you two could work out some kind of deal.

"Dungeons and Dragons sucked shit through a colostomy bag."

"I thought Here on Earth was the worst movie ever because nobody likes a sappy teen drama. And I fucking hate LeeLee Sobieski."

7. A Reason to Keep on Living - Best Movie of 2000
What movie did you see that was the best argument for why movies should be made? What movie made you happiest that Hollywood and the movie business exist?

Best Flick
Crouching Tiger - 156 votes
Magnolia - 84
Best in Show - 41
Exorcist -28
Gladiator - 24
Erin Brockovich - 21

First, I want to know who the fuck voted for Where the Heart Is and if he or she did this just to piss me off. If so, it worked. Second, I was glad to see my favorites are your favorites, although I feel strongly that I never want to eat a meal with the person who chose Highlander: Endgame as his favorite. Jesus Christ, man, you shouldn't be going out to theaters. You should be locked in a room with your action figures. There are two movies that I haven't seen that I want to. First is Requiem for a Dream, and second is You Can Count on Me. I'll get around to these two on my own time.

"Magnolia was quite simply a beautiful package."

"I hope Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon shoves it up the ass of Hollywood on how film-making should be."

"I'm going to see Crouching Tiger tonight, but without seeing that I'm saying Magnolia was the best movie of the year."

"Other than Best in Show, I can't think of a single 'funny' comedy."

"Godzilla 2000 kicked ass!"

"Hey, asshole, Magnolia isn't eligible. It came out in 1999." What the fuck? What, are you from some official movie awards company that dictates when movies can get honored? Can you tell me exactly what rule I violated? And fuck you for thinking I have to play by the same rules as those ass-fisters in Hollywood. Where I live, Magnolia came out in 2000, and that's what I go by. I'm not going to let the Hollywood Awards Factory tell me when a movie is eligible to be saluted, and neither should you.

"If it wasn't for a few gems like Best In Show and Nurse Betty buried deep in this huge pile of shit I just might have given up."

"I have a baby son, so I can't see many movies at this point. I will not sell him for medical experiments, though. Best In Show topped the movies I saw this year." Oh, really, won't sell? Everyone has a price...

"Magnolia is one of the greatest films of all time." Well, that's a little quote-whorish. Since you're talking about all-time, why not wait a few years before saying something like that?

"Best in Show was hands-down my movie of the year."

7. Your Foul Mouths
Okay, now's your chance to show me that filthy we all carry inside us. Tell me some foul, incredibly offensive phrase you'd like to hear me use in 2001.

Here are my ten favorites, the ones I can't wait to use:

Get your dick outta the peanut butter, cause you're fucking nuts.
Farty Pants
Fucking hotty finger puppets bouncing on my fingers
I'd get a blowjob from Abe Vigoda before I'd see that movie again.
It is like trying to stuff 10 lbs. of shit into a 9 lb. sack
Make up your own dirty shit Filthy, you lazy fuck.
Spicy peanut butt ball
That Eisenhower sure had a nice smile.
This movie smells worse than my grandfather's penis.
Teabagging, The Houdini, Angry Dragon, Dirty Sanchez, Hot Carl, Red Wings, or Zombie Mask

Go to the Foul Mouth page for the complete list of entries.
I removed some that were more mean, homophobic or violent than they were funny.

8. Your Comments
Well, what do you have to say for yourselves? Here is your chance to add comments about any of your choices. Tell me what you really think and why you made your choices. I'd like to know what the Filthy Readers think.

If you really want to read all of the comments, go here. They are unedited and uncorrected. I only removed comments that were racist, sexist in an unfunny way or so violent that the writer obviously didn't understand that this is a joke. I also threw in my snide asides among the comments.

9. When You wish Upon a Star
If you could change one thing about the Filthy Critic Web site, what would it be?

I want:
More Reviews - 243 votes
More Swearing - 62
Novel - 24
Nude Photos -20
Spell-check - 12
Palm files - 11
Nude Mrs. Filthy - 5

I swear to God I will try to do more reviews. Now that I am working at the First American, I should be able to sneak a few bucks out of the account and see more movies. Hell, I saw two this week, right? But, it's fucking hard writing reviews. It takes a full day to sit down, fuck around, jerk off, start writing, hate what I'm writing, come back to it, delete everything, start over, finish it, go back and throw in some more dirty words and then go back and make sure there are a few typos just for all the anal pricks who think I owe them good spelling (how much do you pay for this?).

You'll also notice that I fixed the archive so the list includes dates, synopses and my rating. Plus, I am reviewing older movies in the side bar. They are short reviews, but I'm at least saying something about them.

I don't think I will swear more because that's too easy. I will try to be filthy in more creative ways. More similes, more metaphors and more references to raunchy fucking.

Even if you don't want it, I am working on a novel titled Filthy: A Love Story and I hope some big shot publisher out there sees this and begs to see it. If they don't, it's going up on line soon in chapters and I will tell you where. It's so fucking romantic it'll have you jerking off like a rabid squirrel.

No nude photos of me, says Mrs. filthy. She says that if you want my bacon then you have to buy the pig. It's too bad because I got a whole shitload of nudey shots back from Target today. holy fuck do I look hot working on my radiator, crouched over with my ballsack swinging free.

A lot of you assholes said i can't spell for shit. That isn't true. i am a damn good speller, but I am a shitty typist. I can spell, but I'm too lazy to see if what was in my head got to paper. I'll try to do better.

Palm Files? Maybe. I got one of them things for free and I am trying to work it out. Although, I am sort of leery of anyone who has one of these devices. They're probably dot-com millionaires and I don't see why I should have to make their lives any easier.

Nude shots of Mrs. Filthy? i would gladly give those up, but Target fucking lost that roll, or so they say. how do you lose a roll of film at the one-hour booth, and why the fuck did all the guys have big cum stains on their pants?

To the person who requested faked lesbo shots of Katie holmes and Penelop Cruz: Why settle for fakes?

To the people who asked for a section for you to get your say: Fuck no. It's my site and what if you guys are funnier or more right than me? Seriously, though, there is a Filthy Critic club at Yahoo. You can shoot your mouth off there.

People requesting free T-shirts? No way in hell. I am already losing my ass on those things as it is.

More boobs? I think one big boob every week is enough, don't you?

Porn reviews? Mrs. Filthy would know my dirty secret then for sure.

The person who asked me to review Anime movies: Have you been paying attention at all? Do I sound like I want to watch Japanese porn with all the other lonely web masters of the world?

All the people who asked me to review better movies? Look, I'm a fucking critic, or pretenidng anyway. It's my job to see good and bad. I have to see the shitty movies just like any other critic because that's what people go to see. You think I enjoy seeing Freddie Prinze walk around like he's got a 2x4 up his ass? I don't. But I do love writing those reviews.

Want to tell Filthy something?

©2001 Big Empire Industries. All Fucking Rights Reserved.

 Big Empire  Post-it Theater  Las Vegas  The Gift ElectroniquÈ  Big Empire Buddies