The votes are in. About 500 people were
able to submit ballots, and probably another 100 had their ballots
disappear into some vast Internet wasteland because I am too
fucking stupid to figure out a really good way to do the voting.
Six-hundred people is about 3% of the people who read the column
each week, so where were the rest of you fuckers? Fuck you for
reading these results if you didn't vote. Seriously, fuck you,
you lazy assholes. You don't deserve to enjoy the work of other
So, here, in three parts are the results
of your hard work and opinions. The first part is the actual
voting totals. The second part is all of the fucking foul things
you had to say. The last part is your comments with my responses
wherever I could think of something to say that didn't make me
look like an asshole or idiot.
1. You Suck - Worst Acting
Who, in your opinion were the worst actors in 2000. Who overacted,
underacted, didn't try or couldn't act his or her way out of
a paper bag? Whose performance pissed you off the most last year?
Adam Sandler - 144 votes
John Travolta - 90
Freddie Prinze, Jr.-74
Nicolas Cage -50
Charlize Theron - 104
Minnie Driver - 77
Julie Stiles - 64
Christine Baranski - 30
Connie Nielsen -24
No surprise here. Adam Sandler is just
a fucking embarrassment to his type of people, wealthy retards.
One person said he voted for Nicolas Cage because it was too
easy to vote for Sandler. I disagree. I think if Sandler is the
fucking worst every year, he should be voted the worst.
"Keep ripping Adam
Sandler for the lazy unfunny asshole he is."
"Freddie Prinze, Jr.
can't act, which is evident in the one character he repeatedly
tries to play."
"Zorie Barber (Whipped)
deserves the prize simply for standing but (in a horrible movie
full of horrible acting and horrible scenes) as a REALLY shitty
"I don't think you're
hard enough on John Travolta considering what a fucking wanker
"And a special thank
for dumping loads of shit on Adam Sandler."
"Why didn't you include
the porcupine-humping, hairy-humpback circus-midget Robin Williams?"
"Freddie Prinze, Jr.
and Adam Sandler are both castrated fur-sniffing, swelling-diarrhea-soaked-nipple
munches who deserve to have firecrackers inserted in their eyes."
"Freddie Prinze, Jr.
epitomizes the notion that good-looking people have it easier
than the rest of us. What a horrible fuck of an actor!"
"Can no one else see
what a shitty actor Nicolas Cage is? Can no one else see how
fucking ugly he is? Maybe his acting seems brilliant compared
to how ugly he is."
It was refreshing to see Charlize "Miss
Nondescript 1987" Theron top the shitty actresses list.
She's an embarrassment, the kind of person who probably likes
to talk about her shoes and kisses her dogs on the lips. Fucking
boring hag. I doubt many people saw Minnie Driver in her two
bombs this year but she's sort of like the Velvet Undergound.
They say nobody ever bought VU records, but everyone who did
went on to start a band. With Driver, not many people saw her,
but those who did went on to scratch their eyeballs out. Julia
Stiles bugs the shit out of me. God, I hate her ass-face (with
apologies to christopher Guest). It should be noted that several
people voted John Travolta worst actress. However, you people
have some level of decorum, you're much less willing to badmouth
the ladies as the men. Many of you want to rip Helen Hunt a new
asshole, which I thought was a nice sentiment.
"Please, Filthy, it's
imperative that you mention all the whoring Helen Hunt does."
"Helen Hunt, seriously,
do you have to hog all the stupid, lame-ass broad parts in one
2. You're Okay In My Book - Best
Well, actors are a strange breed, and even great actors are probably
weirdos. But, thank God some of them took up acting. Otherwise,
we'd all get pretty fucking sick of watching animals in the movies.
Here's your chance to send a few Wendy's gift certificates to
your favorite performers.
Russell Crowe - 186 votes
Godzilla - 68
Tom Hanks - 50
Jon C. Reilly -41
Joaquin Phoenix - 36
Zhang Ziyi - 161
Julia Roberts - 75
Kate Winslet - 65
Catherine O'Hara - 46
Linda Blair -31
Russell Crowe is fucking amazing. So,
why does he have such bad fucking tastein women? Meg Ryan, that
flop-titted, button-nosed hag? Courtney Love, the human tick?
Hey, Russell, I hear Liz Taylor is available. Godzilla turns
in a fucking great performance in Godzilla 2000. It's
both subtle and destructive.
"I'm glad someone
noticed a great actor like John C. Reilly. He's my favorite actor
and I hope he wins."
"It's time Godzilla
got the recognition it deserves."
"I wish I could vote
for both John C. Reilly and Godzilla simultaneously."
Now, Zhang Ziyi can kick my ass and
ride me like the swayback nag I am any time she wants. Oh, crap,
a hot chick with that much life in her eyes is, literally, wet
dream fodder. I think Julia is a better actress, and that's not
just because she and I are getting married. She's the only fucking
actress in America that can make a "romantic comedy"
both of those things. I would love to have her scramble my eggs.
Kate Winslet deserves two trophies, one for each lip-quivering
"Mrs. Filthy for faking
her orgasms." Ha ha, buddy,
but the joke's on you. She doesn't even bother faking them.
3. Most Fuckable
The actor or actress you most want to lay isn't necessarily the
best at his or her job. It's the one who looks like he or she'd
be the most fun in the sack. Big tits, big dicks, nice muscles,
something in their eyes, etc... You may choose a male or a female
you want to fuck, but not both. Only fill in one of these
two categories (nobody is allowed to be greedy and take one of
Russell Crowe - 45 votes
Filthy Critic - 9
Harrison Ford - 8
Denzel Washington -8
Wes Bentley - 5
Tom Cruise - 5
Heather Graham - 85
Lucy Liu - 62
Cameron Diaz - 61
Rebecca Romijn - 35
Penelope Cruz -31
Well, you people are shit-for-brains
when following directions. Bonus points for the handful of you
who actually followed the instructions directly above in bold.
I had to take away several votes for myself by men who want to
screw me and some hot chick because I assumed they thought
they had to choose one of each and I was the man who was least
threatening to their manhood. One jackass entered "I'm not a fag, asshole." First, I
may be an asshole but you can't follow directions for shit. Second,
I bet you are gay if you protest that much at a form on a computer
screen. There is nothing to be ashamed about, gay men get more
action in general. So, my second place finish is just among the
ladies and gay men, not these newly bi-sexual swingers. Godzilla
got two votes, but I bet he would leave some killer stretch marks.
I imagine he likes it doggy-style.
"What woman wouldn't
fuck Harrison Ford? When you still look like bedcandy at his
age you deserve a Goddamned medal." Bedcandy
"Ben Affleck is like
one of those smarmy frat boys trying to trick you into thinking
he's sensitive so he can get you back to his frat lair. Russell
Crowe, on the other hand... hubba hubba."
"I had a hard time
with my choice for Most Fuckable because Russell Crowe is definitely
one of the hottest on the planet, but dammit Filthy, I love your
mind." Yeah, right, put Russell
and me on two beds and you walk in and you know exactly who you'd
fuck --him. after all, I'm the scrawny lame one with the limp
dick and no mind in the world makes up for that.
On the ladies' side, Miss Heather Graham
was once again the most fuckable starlet in the land. Is it those
big eyes, the lips, those unbelievably beautiful tits, the legs,
or how she just always looks like she wants sex? Lucy Liu? Man,
I'll pass on that cross-eyed mess and move right on to Penelope
Cruz. She looks like she enjoys sex. Oh man, she's giving me
a boner right now.
"Sandra Bullock gets
most fuckable, because with a mouthful of cock she'll finally
shut the fuck up."
"Heather Graham will
always be at the top of my Most Fuckable list." Really? Always? I want to see you
saying that 60 years from now when she's some hunched-over, flabby-titted
senior who is still dumb as a rock and can't act.
"Jennifer Lopez is
a hot pieces of ass."
"I am looking forward
to Katie Holmes tits in The Gift. Will it be too much
to ask to see Jennifer Love Hewitt in a very naked role? Kirsten
Dunst?" No, I do not think
that is too much to ask. I think you are being very reasonable.
"I want the girl from
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon to spar with me--if you
know what I mean."
"Angelina Jolie should
have been on the Most Fuckable list. She has lips that could
suck the chrome off a trailler hitch."
Yeah, right, and have Billy Bob hunt me down and cut off my
4. Most Overrated Movie
This isn't necessarily the worst movie of the year, just the
one that was the biggest disappointment. What movie got way more
hype than it deserved? What movie wasn't very good, but the critics
flocked to it like flies to shit?
Unbreakable - 120 votes
Charlie's Angels - 103
Almost Famous - 83
Quills - 18
Traffic - 18
So I'm not the only one that thought
Unbreakable was a Goddamn scam. A few people came to that
dogshit's defense, but they couldn't do it without mentioning
comic books somehow. Those comic-book geeks just don't get it,
do they? We don't want to live in your geeky little world. Others
defended it by bringing up the (bogus) story that it's one part
of a trilogy. Yes, that story is as phony as Denise Richards'
"What was Bruce Willis
thinking when he did M. Knight Shamalamadingdong's movie?"
You have to be some kind of pathetic idiot to finally realize
after some 35+ years that you have super-human strength."
Angels is a soft porn without the porn, and not even a good
one, on drugs and metal music. If I want porn I'll watch Skinemax
at 3 a.m." Yeah, well, some
of us aren't rich enough for premium channels.
"I thought Cast
2 has to be one of the shittiest movies of the year... What
a steaming pile of shit."
"What the fuck is
up with giving Charlie's Angels three stars?" I don't know, you'll have to tell me who it is
that gives "stars."
"I hated Unbreakable
the way garbagemen hate Christmas."
blew the big one, as did PU-571."
"I don't care about
Cameron Crowe and his little adventure."
"I liked Gladiator,
but I liked it better when it was called Braveheart."
5. Most Underrated Movie
What movie was better than you expected, better than you hoped?
What did the critics bash, but you liked? It may not be the best,
but the one you were dragged to by friends, and then had to grudgingly
admit you were glad you went to.
Best In Show - 126 votes
Godzilla 2000 - 76
Almost Famous - 41
Wonder Boys -39
Battlefield Earth - 11
Best in Show is a funny flick. One person mentioned it was
the only movie that made him laugh all year. Well, Meet the
Parents made me laugh, too. But, it's skull-fuckingly lame
how many"comedies" are geared toward people who laugh
at "Garfield" and think Hallmark greeting cards represent
their true feelings. This year I got a lot of hate mail from
people who were pissed that I said classic-rock listeners were
not allowed to e-mail me about that shitty flick Almost Famous.
They thought I was violating their rights or somehow being unjust.
Like the Filthy Critic web site is the fucking Hague. Well, fuck
them. It's my web site and I can do whatever I want. There is
no supreme code of behavior that dictates who I have to be nice
to. If I had my choice, anyone that ever saw Phish live, owned
a Pink Floyd record, or knew Mr. Spock's first name would not
be granted access to it. And I don't give a whore's mouth full
of come if that bothers you. And now some of you assholes will
get offended again. But why? To be offended means you care what
I think of you, and that's even more pathetic than collecting
comic books. Fuck "classic" rock, except for Creedence
and some Rolling Stones.
"I thought Nurse
Betty was thought-provoking and funny as hell."
"Most often in recent
years, the (good movies) have been from Asia: Godzilla,
Crouching Tiger, Drunken Master."
"Please don't sell
Crouching Tiger short by nominating it as an underrated
movie. It made me happy... give it a break." Ummmm, Does someone want to tell
this person what "underrated" means?
revitalized my belief in good cinema, and confirmed my belief
that Japanese Society is on the Great Big Rocket Sled to HELL."
"Best in show was
the funniest movie I saw since South Park."
"Why I liked Battlefield
Earth: I thought John Travolta was wonderful as a bad motherfucker.
And the movie looked really cool. Plus, I think you can add a
Harrier Jump Jet to any movie and improve it by an order of magnitude;
if they had put a Jump Jet in the trailer for Bounce,
I would have gone to see it in a second!" Yeah, but you would have been pissed.
6. A Pox on Film History - Worst
Movie of 2000
What was the worst disaster in the movies this year? There are
so many worthy of being labeled worst, but you must narrow it
down to one choice, one movie that you would like to see me take
a big stinky dump on.
Battlefield Earth - 98 votes
Grinch - 77
Mission to Mars - 60
Little Nicky -56
Blair Witch 2 - 52
Coyote Ugly - 33
Whipped - 14
This category was like a theology test.
there were no wrong answers and an infinite number of correct
ones. I'll let you guys do most of the talking here, because
you all seemed to feel pretty strongly about the rimjobs Hollywood
gave us. Let me say two things, though. First, I wish you all
could have seen Whipped just so you'd know how brutally
bad this movie was. It was beyond bad, beyond so bad it's funny,
beyond so bad it's awful and into an area where it was so bad
it was morally reprehensible and technically incompetent. It
was amazing. Second, I fucking forgot to put Pay It forward
on the list of worst and it truly was. It was Hollywood spending
millions of dollars to cram their bullshit message down our throats.
"Oh, my holy God did
Little Nicky ever suck. Suck doesn't even begin to describe
"Fuck you for giving
away the ending to Pay It Forward, you inconsiderate fuck."
Believe me, I feel no shame or remorse
for that, and I never will. Hollywood didn't deserve to keep
that bullshit ending from us.
"I bet you never thought
wiping fresh human shit on the screen could make a movie more
entertaining, then you didn't see Battlefield Earth."
Sorry, that's one bet you'd lose.
In fact, I have done some small-scale experiments on my TV at
"I thought I was going
to Coyote Ugly to see Cocktail with big tits, but
what I got was my local pub having amateur night."
"Fuck Down to You
and fuck people who thought it was cute. Claire Forlani is hot."
Yes, yes and yes.
deserves special honors just for taking something loved by all
and smothering it under hideous makeup, fake snow, and glitz
until it means the opposite of its origins."
"A big fuck you
to Hollywood for being unable to come up with something that
I couldn't predict the ending to by the time I was done watching
should be shot before he strikes again. Every movie he makes
sucks. They're like two hour beer ads. It's like he makes movies
for the smallest demographic in the world: 26-year-old, never-gonna-have-an-original-thought,
cheap-beer-drinking-whassup-saying, $35k-a-year, empty-headed-ex-frat-boys
with thinning hair." I could
not have said this any better. That's fucking beautiful.
"Down to You
was the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. If I
had to choose between watching that movie again and eating the
corn out of my rank-nastiest, funktastic beer shits, I'd be chowin'
the dirty corn." How about
if it was between watching it again or eating my cornshit? I
can arrange something.
was a disgusting, shit-riddled tribute to consumer stupidity
and Jim Carrey's fucking ego."
"Personally, I feel
Battlefield Earth is the worst movie ever made. Worse,
even, than the debacle that was The Grinch."
While on a flight from
Toronto to San Francisco, I was subjected to Mission to Mars.
Despite the obvious danger, I almost walked out."
"The best actor in
Mission to Mars was clearly the guy from Sliders.
This is with that creepy prick Tim Robbins, Gary Sinise, Annette
Bening and Don Cheadle (who really didn't suck as mightily as
the others) all in the cast. Christ, what a turd that movie was."
One correction, that wasn't Annette
Bening, that was low-rent imitation Connie Nielsen.
"Missions to Mars
was, by far and away, the worst fucking film I ever had the great
displeasure of seeing."
"Missions to Mars
was the only movie, ever, I have had the urge to walk out of."
"Boys and Girls
was the biggest pile of shit I've seen in a long time (besides
Blair Witch 2, Down to You, and any Affleck-Damon
"Boys and Girls
pissed me off so much. Good God, I'd rather stab off my own testicles
with a blunt pencil that see it again." Man, we need to get you together with the corn-eater.
I'm sure you two could work out some kind of deal.
"Dungeons and Dragons
sucked shit through a colostomy bag."
"I thought Here
on Earth was the worst movie ever because nobody likes a
sappy teen drama. And I fucking hate LeeLee Sobieski."
7. A Reason to Keep on Living - Best
Movie of 2000
What movie did you see that was the best argument for why movies
should be made? What movie made you happiest that Hollywood and
the movie business exist?
Crouching Tiger - 156 votes
Magnolia - 84
Best in Show - 41
Gladiator - 24
Erin Brockovich - 21
First, I want to know who the fuck voted
for Where the Heart Is and if he or she did this just
to piss me off. If so, it worked. Second, I was glad to see my
favorites are your favorites, although I feel strongly that I
never want to eat a meal with the person who chose Highlander:
Endgame as his favorite. Jesus Christ, man, you shouldn't
be going out to theaters. You should be locked in a room with
your action figures. There are two movies that I haven't seen
that I want to. First is Requiem for a Dream, and second
is You Can Count on Me. I'll get around to these two on
my own time.
quite simply a beautiful package."
"I hope Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon shoves it up the ass of Hollywood on
how film-making should be."
"I'm going to see
Crouching Tiger tonight, but without seeing that I'm saying
Magnolia was the best movie of the year."
"Other than Best
in Show, I can't think of a single 'funny' comedy."
"Hey, asshole, Magnolia
isn't eligible. It came out in 1999." What the fuck? What, are you from some official
movie awards company that dictates when movies can get honored?
Can you tell me exactly what rule I violated? And fuck you for
thinking I have to play by the same rules as those ass-fisters
in Hollywood. Where I live, Magnolia came out in 2000,
and that's what I go by. I'm not going to let the Hollywood Awards
Factory tell me when a movie is eligible to be saluted, and neither
"If it wasn't for
a few gems like Best In Show and Nurse Betty buried
deep in this huge pile of shit I just might have given up."
"I have a baby son,
so I can't see many movies at this point. I will not sell him
for medical experiments, though. Best In Show topped the
movies I saw this year." Oh,
really, won't sell? Everyone has a price...
one of the greatest films of all time." Well, that's a little quote-whorish. Since you're
talking about all-time, why not wait a few years before saying
something like that?
"Best in Show
was hands-down my movie of the year."
7. Your Foul Mouths
Here are my ten favorites, the
ones I can't wait to use:
Get your dick outta
the peanut butter, cause you're fucking nuts.
Okay, now's your chance to show me that filthy we all carry inside
us. Tell me some foul, incredibly offensive phrase you'd like
to hear me use in 2001.
Fucking hotty finger puppets bouncing on my fingers
I'd get a blowjob from Abe Vigoda before I'd see that movie again.
It is like trying to stuff 10 lbs. of shit into a 9 lb. sack
Make up your own dirty shit Filthy, you lazy fuck.
Spicy peanut butt ball
That Eisenhower sure had a nice smile.
This movie smells worse than my grandfather's penis.
Teabagging, The Houdini, Angry Dragon, Dirty Sanchez, Hot Carl,
Red Wings, or Zombie Mask
to the Foul Mouth page for the complete list of entries.
I removed some that were more mean, homophobic
or violent than they were funny.
8. Your Comments
you really want to read all of the comments, go here. They are
unedited and uncorrected. I only removed comments that were racist,
sexist in an unfunny way or so violent that the writer obviously
didn't understand that this is a joke. I also threw in my snide
asides among the comments.
Well, what do you have to say for yourselves? Here is your chance
to add comments about any of your choices. Tell me what you really
think and why you made your choices. I'd like to know what the
Filthy Readers think.
9. When You wish Upon a Star
If you could change one thing about the Filthy Critic Web site,
what would it be?
to tell Filthy something?
©2001 Big Empire
Industries. All Fucking Rights Reserved.
More Reviews - 243 votes
More Swearing - 62
Novel - 24
Nude Photos -20
Spell-check - 12
Palm files - 11
Nude Mrs. Filthy - 5
I swear to God I will try to do more
reviews. Now that I am working at the First American, I should
be able to sneak a few bucks out of the account and see more
movies. Hell, I saw two this week, right? But, it's fucking hard
writing reviews. It takes a full day to sit down, fuck around,
jerk off, start writing, hate what I'm writing, come back to
it, delete everything, start over, finish it, go back and throw
in some more dirty words and then go back and make sure there
are a few typos just for all the anal pricks who think I owe
them good spelling (how much do you pay for this?).
You'll also notice that I fixed the
archive so the list includes dates,
synopses and my rating. Plus, I am reviewing older movies in
the side bar. They are short reviews, but I'm at least saying
something about them.
I don't think I will swear more because
that's too easy. I will try to be filthy in more creative ways.
More similes, more metaphors and more references to raunchy fucking.
Even if you don't want it, I am working
on a novel titled Filthy: A Love Story and I hope some
big shot publisher out there sees this and begs to see it. If
they don't, it's going up on line soon in chapters and I will
tell you where. It's so fucking romantic it'll have you jerking
off like a rabid squirrel.
No nude photos of me, says Mrs. filthy.
She says that if you want my bacon then you have to buy the pig.
It's too bad because I got a whole shitload of nudey shots back
from Target today. holy fuck do I look hot working on my radiator,
crouched over with my ballsack swinging free.
A lot of you assholes said i can't spell
for shit. That isn't true. i am a damn good speller, but I am
a shitty typist. I can spell, but I'm too lazy to see if what
was in my head got to paper. I'll try to do better.
Palm Files? Maybe. I got one of them
things for free and I am trying to work it out. Although, I am
sort of leery of anyone who has one of these devices. They're
probably dot-com millionaires and I don't see why I should have
to make their lives any easier.
Nude shots of Mrs. Filthy? i would gladly
give those up, but Target fucking lost that roll, or so they
say. how do you lose a roll of film at the one-hour booth, and
why the fuck did all the guys have big cum stains on their pants?
To the person who requested faked lesbo
shots of Katie holmes and Penelop Cruz: Why settle for fakes?
To the people who asked for a section
for you to get your say: Fuck no. It's my site and what if you
guys are funnier or more right than me? Seriously, though, there
is a Filthy
Critic club at Yahoo. You can shoot your mouth off there.
People requesting free T-shirts? No
way in hell. I am already losing my ass on those things as it
More boobs? I think one big boob every
week is enough, don't you?
Porn reviews? Mrs. Filthy would know
my dirty secret then for sure.
The person who asked me to review Anime
movies: Have you been paying attention at all? Do I sound like
I want to watch Japanese porn with all the other lonely web masters
of the world?
All the people who asked me to review
better movies? Look, I'm a fucking critic, or pretenidng anyway.
It's my job to see good and bad. I have to see the shitty movies
just like any other critic because that's what people go to see.
You think I enjoy seeing Freddie Prinze walk around like he's
got a 2x4 up his ass? I don't. But I do love writing those reviews.