are people more in love with seeing their names in the paper
than honestly reviewing movies. According to this week's Quote
Man is "the
most beautiful movie of the millennium."
The Green Mile is "unquestionably the best
picture of the Year."
Fantasia 2000 is "A magical, musical animated
Mr. Ripley is "a
mesmerizing masterpiece of the unexpected! Acting performances
that have Oscar written all over them!"
Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights fucking reserved.
"It's not so
First, let me apologize for not seeing a new movie. I planned
to sit through "Supernova" for my fine readers, but
Stanley, the alert and pimply ticket-taker at the AMC Promenade
had other ideas.
As a frequent movie-goer, I earned a free pass that wasn't
good for "special engagements." I had to sit through
ten piles of Hollywood dogshit and they reward me with a cheap
ticket to a movie that's been playng for a while. I figured I'd
outsmart those smug bastards by buying a ticket to "Galaxy
Quest" and then sneaking in to "Supernova." Stanley
saw right through my plans and as I tried to slip into Supernova,
he caught me and redirected me to the "Galaxy Quest"
screen. Yes, I was pissed, but my hat goes off to Stanley, a
man doing a thankless job well. Good man, Stanley. A letter will
be sent to the AMC management.
I was not really looking forward to a Star Trek parody because:
a) I hate Star Trek, b) I hate Star Trek fanatics. In fact, the
only time the world of Star Trek geeks entertains me is when
I sell counterfeit Star Trek memorabilia on eBay. Those dipshits
will buy anything if you tell them it's got Leonard Nimoy's autograph
on it. "Galaxy Quest" turned out to be a bit of a guilty
pleasure, though, and I found it amusing. But, I bet the Star
Trek freaks will probably laugh their fucking Spock ears off.
"Galaxy Quest" is a TV series from the early eighties
whose stars make their living by dressing like their characters
at computer store openings and sci-fi conventions. They're all
bitter that they had no more success than the show, and they
bitterly hate the freaky fans who seemingly live for the tiny
details of the long-ago canceled show. They are portrayed as
lovable goofs, which we know is not true. In truth, obsessed
sci-fi nuts are the single most dangerous people on earth. They
also smell bad, have greasy hair, can't look people of the opposite
sex straight in the eyes and would rather argue about power sources
for the Starship Enterprise than fuck supermodels.
The crew of Galaxy Quest includes Tim Allen as the Captain,
Sigourney Weaver as the boobsy token woman, Tony Shalhoub as
the ship engineer and Alan Rickman as the deadly serious hyper-smart
A band of real space aliens have intercepted the old episodes
of Galaxy Quest and, being naïve, they don't realize it's
a drama. The space aliens look like kids at a Cure concert, all
dressed in black with white pancake makeup. These extraterrestrial
Goths think the old episodes are historical documents of the
best space crew ever. So, they come to earth and track down Allen
and company and ask their help in saving their civilization from
a vicious, Predator-looking bad ass who wears too much blue eye-shadow.
Bored out of their wits by the sci-fi conventions, teh crew goes
and quickly realizes that kicking ass in space is harder than
doing it on a set.
Unable to explain that they really aren't space travelers
and facing certain death, the crew take on the challenge and
battle with the space villain with the help of the geek fans
that they hated before, and that I still hate.
Even though I like the whole Star Trek culture about as much
as I do having pruning shears chop off my balls (it happens more
often than you would think), this movie was entertaining. Not
"laugh so hard I fall down and break my ankle" funny,
just mildly amusing. Unlike most of these broad comedies, this
one's jokes were original and nimble. There wasn't a single fart
or fat lady joke in the bunch.
The humor kept coming, too. A common problem in "Fish
out of water" comedies where the heroes have to rise to
the occasion is that the writers don't bother to make the last
thirty minutes funny because they are so full of themselves that
they think we give a rat's ass about the characters. So, they
make them sappy. Not here.
Director Dean Parisot manages to combine the salvation with
some decent jokes. Actually, he and writer David Howard keep
everything moving. We are spared any pretentious speeches or
dragging and uninteresting romantic interludes.
It's all played for laughs without the egos of the stars ever
really getting in the way. In fact, Allen, Weaver and Rickman
do an adequate job of bringing a very good script to life. They
aren't fantastic, but they don't need to be. Some characters
have little to do, like Sam Rockwell and Tony Shalhoub, and their
comedic potential is wasted.
Hating Star Trek, and especially hating the weirdos and geeks
who worship it, I was pissed at how well this movie treats them.
I mean, I can't think of a movie idea funnier than just showing
sci-fi geeks getting their shins ripped out and their eyeballs
gouged with hot pokers. Oh fuck, that would make me so happy.
I suppose "Galaxy Quest's" makers realize that the
people who refer to conventions as "cons" are the same
nuts who go back to watch the same movie over and over until
they've every line memorized and can repeat them to their Internet
buddies. So, maybe it's smart marketing, but it shits on the
fun. I say, beat the snot out of them. Expose how freakish and
bizarre these people are. Instead, the movie is afraid to sink
its teeth into them. It rewards these assholes for being unproductive,
overweight trenchcoat wearing members of society who write lists
of people who are "going to get it."
And that is an unforgivable crime. Three fingers for
the decent comedy.