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A Lucky Ned Incredi-system

Here I come, the GREATEST GAMBLER IN THE WORLD. Bob Stupak, the Polish Maverick, recently spotted me gambling. I was in the Keno lounge with fifteen tickets in my lap. Stupak just stared, his jaw hanging in the breeze like the welcome sign of a ghost town. He had to concede the title of GREATEST GAMBLER IN THE WORLD to me right there and then, because not even the big boys can handle the pressures of KENO.

For me, however, keno equals kolossal kwantities of kash! And soon, it will mean the same to you when you get a load of Lucky Ned's IncrediSystem for Winning Keno. As the old spiritual goes:

I'll sing you two, two lily-white boys clothed all in green-o
One is One and all alone, and now let's play some KENO!

Or something like that. Anyway, my point is that Keno is a SPIRITUAL kind of game. When trying to pick the winning numbers, you have to listen to your soul because IF YOU HEAR IT IN YOUR SPIRIT, THEN YOU MUST BET ON OR NEAR IT.

Now I know what you're saying right off the bat. You're saying, "Lucky Ned Plays Keno? I always thought Keno was a game for old ladies!" Well, don't get your panties in a bunch! Let me give you a few platitudes that explain this new turn of events.

  • You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.
  • If WOMENS' INTUITION says that keno is a winner, then who am I to disagree?
  • You have a choice of 80 numbers to bet on in Keno, 80! And what do I always say?

The more numbers there are in a game of luck, THE MORE WAYS THERE ARE TO WIN, by heck. But you are no mathematician, if I'm not mistaken. You want proof! Then brace yourself for enLUCKenment!

In Keno, you can choose anywhere between 2 and 10, or sometimes 2 and 20 numbers! That gives you 117 undecillion possible combinations to bet. Now let's say that only a conservative 43% of those combinations are winners- that's 50 undecillion numbers that are sure to pay off! As a number of winners, that ain't too shabby.

But it doesn't stop there! As we will see, there are four kinds of keno, so multiply that number by four-that gives you a 2 with 38 zeros after it ways to win. We can round that number up to INFINITY!

Q.E.D.: You should GET KEEN ON KENO!


There are four different ways to play keno. Each has its own je ne sais quoi.

  1. Parlor Keno
  3. Restaurant Keno
  4. State Lottery Keno


Your first clue that you are in a keno parlor is the chairs in rows all facing what first appears to be a hell of a lot of nothing. But sniff twice in a keno parlor, and you'll smell WINNING and smoking elders. Listen with your ears and you'll hear something bouncing around-little balls with numbers on them. Now look! There should be a lit up scoreboard with numbers 1 through 80. A clue! Look around and see if you can find betting windows. You can! Now you've solved the mystery-you're in a keno parlor, and YOU'RE IN FOR THE BIG WIN!

As I often say to friends:

If you are looking to bust the casino
Go straight to the parlor and bet on KENO!

Step 1: check the odds list. You can find these at the front of the parlor, where you place your bets. Look over it. Study it. Muster a bead of sweat and drop that bead into the middle of the odds sheet for good luck. What do the numbers mean, you ask? Well, don't ask now- IT'S TIME TO WAGER!

Step 2: Stroll confidently to the betting booth and get a keno card. This is a card that has numbers one through 80. It looks just like the scoreboard, except it's flat, doesn't glow in the dark, is made of paper, and is smaller.

Now comes step 3: 3 is a magic number! Pick your numbers. Check the odds card to see how many you can pick, then pick As Many As Possible (AMAP).

Good people, we've come to the keystone of my KENO INCREDI-SYSTEM: CHOOSE AMAP, ASAP!

Why "as many as possible"? Because that's more chances to win. Why "as soon as possible"? Because the sooner you start, the faster you'll get to the bank!

HINT!: I see you putting check marks in the boxes of your ten numbers. But why waste the chance to work a little magic? Instead of using checks or X's, I always use my personal symbol: d. It takes a little longer to fill in the squares, but the mystical energies called into play more than make up for the few minutes difference.

Step lively during step 4-right up to the window. Plunk down your card and asizable chuck of cash. Grunt confidently, then step back and watch the fun!

There will be a hopper in plain sight, like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, and in the hopper will be several numbered balls. Watch as they drop into the winning chute. As they do, the scoreboard will light up the corresponding numbers until



Like being in your own private keno parlor, these machines, now located throughout all major gambling venues, give you a computerized screen with the magic 80 for your enjoyment and winning. More than twenty people have heard me recite the wisdom:

You'll win riches galore playing video keno.
Please don't scream and make a scene, though.

Simply sit in front of the machine and drop in as much coinage as you can. Then the real magic begins-the magic of TECHNOLOGY. Dangling from the machine, there will typically by a pointer looking a little like a grease-pencil. Touch the business end to the video screen and your numbers will be magically selected. Some machines are even wackier- you simply touch the screen with your own finger to pick the numbers. This allows you to lick your fingers for luck!

Finally, when your guesses are all ready to win, press "GO" or "START" and watch the electronified fun! Then relax as your numbers get picked and



What could be better than waking on a Sunday morning at noon, sliding into your most comfortable trousers, and heading on down to the buffet where hot waffles, spicy sausages, sweet blintzes, excellent scrambled eggs, and fine champagne await?

What if you could enjoy all this without feeling the rush to pound it down and get to the casino while the action is still hot? What if you could gamble at your leisure while eating another pig-in-a-blanket with extra powdered sugar?

Friends, WITH KENO YOU CAN! As I always quip,

You can play Keno
Whilst you dine like Brian Eno!

Now you don't go to the parlor or the machine bank to play-no, the action COMES TO YOU- in a miniskirt no less. Simply flag down one of the friendly keno hostesses that will swarm through the establishment and hand her your bet.

Odds cards, tickets, and thick black crayons are on your table for the convenience of betting between big buttery bites of biscuits and bacon! As you go for seconds, the numbers light up on screens overhead and just as you get back to your seat with another heaping helping of hamburgers, you find



You can play keno in parlors, in casinos, and in restaurants. "But that's not enough!" you say. Fret not, my little kookenhaken! That's just the beginning. You can also play in:

  • Convenience Stores
  • Grocery Stores
  • Tobacconists
  • Liquor Stores

Anywhere you can buy a lottery ticket you can play keno because the lottery game is based on keno! As I've said, time and time again:

A big soda pop refreshes
and beef jerky is delicious!

This also applies to keno! Simply fill out the lottery form, hand it to the clerk, and



I know this is what you're waiting for: "How do I pick the winning numbers, Ned?" "What do I do now, Ned?" "Why do my legs hurt, Ned?" Well quit your whining! I'm getting to it. "A whining person NEVER learns to gamble!" That's rule number one!

There are many sources of lucky numbers, and you should use all of them:

  • Chinese Fortune Cookies.
  • Significant Dates in your Lifetime
  • Numbers That Start With The Same First Letter As Your First, Middle, Or Last Name.
  • The Ages of Loved Ones
  • Your Age, Mama, AND Your Shoe Size
  • The Name of the First Talking Heads Album
  • A Certain Sex Position
  • Numbers That Randomly Pass Through Your Field of Vision
  • The Numerological Equivalents of Important Words in Your Life
  • Your Address or Dress Size
  • Your Room Number At the Hotel
  • The Number of Shrimp Cocktails You Can Eat in One Sitting
  • Ask a Stranger for a Number Between 1 and 80, Inclusive
  • Numbers of Favorite Bible Verses
  • Combinations of Digits 0 through 9
  • Numbers that Turn Up on Scraps Of Paper In Your Pockets Or On Your Person
  • Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc.

When considering individual numbers, let your mind free-associate and get a hit off the number's LUCK FACTOR based on your gut reaction to your associations. Let me give you an example or two. The number 31 reminds me of Ice Cream in as many flavors as I could possibly desire. I'll pick 31 with a yummy feeling in my TUM TUM. (It's cute like a big teddy bear!)

What about 45? Well, that was the year we bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I think about 45 and start feeling an overwhelming despair take ahold of me for all those innocents that perished in the nuclear blast. But then I think about all my old 45 rpm records, and my favorite tunes like "The Wild Dogs Of Kentucky" So, I'll bet on 45.

A seemingly neutral number like 67 doesn't do much for me, but if I'm going for a run of prime numbers, you can bet my money is square on the only product of 1 times 67! So you see, it's all based on free-association and good fortune.


About individual numbers, well, I have not played them all. But I will give you a few TRIED AND TESTED HOT PICKS to get you started. Read them, memorize them, and INCREASE YOUR 'NED'-WORTH!

 The Number

 My Advice

 1 God is one; God is good; therefore one is always an excellent keno bet.
4 I've never won on a four. Let me tell you a story. When I was only eight or nine, my mother brought home a new washing machine. It was the kind that you load on top. I thought it would be fun to play in, so I started the thing up, watched it fill, then climbed in. Well, I can tell you that it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, and not only was I badly bruised, I completely wrecked the washer. Mother beat me worse than another ride in the washing machine, and to this day I still remember the whole thing like it was yesterday. She sure taught me a lesson!
6 Sounds like sex, which is an enjoyable activity. Associate sex with the number 6, and you're sure to want to bet it often.
15  I've yet to see someone else lose on a 15. It doesn't work for me, particularly, but as long as it works for everyone else, why not let 15 work for you?
21 Twenty-one, of course, is the winning combination in Blackjack. Does luck from one game count in another game? YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPIE! A 21 is just as powerful in Keno!
57 Like Heinz steak sauce, betting this number increase the flavor of your winnings.
80 It's critical to bet 80 often because it's the highest you can go, and you want to go high don't you?

Now my friends, tarry no longer! Get over to the Parlor, Video Machine, Restaurant, or Convenience Store of your choice! Meditate ever so briefly on your lucky numbers-or take the advice of a "luck consultant" to be found in newspapers, astrology books, and dark alley-ways. Then BET WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT-AND YOU JUST MIGHT WIN! With KENO!

Incredigaming to you and yours,

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