Here I come, the GREATEST
GAMBLER IN THE WORLD. Bob Stupak, the Polish Maverick, recently
spotted me gambling. I was in the Keno lounge with fifteen tickets
in my lap. Stupak just stared, his jaw hanging in the breeze like
the welcome sign of a ghost town. He had to concede the title
of GREATEST GAMBLER IN THE WORLD to me right there and
then, because not even the big boys can handle the pressures of
For me, however, keno
equals kolossal kwantities of kash! And soon, it will mean the
same to you when you get a load of Lucky Ned's IncrediSystem for
Winning Keno. As the old spiritual goes:
you two, two lily-white boys clothed all in green-o
One is One and all alone, and now let's play some KENO!
Or something like that.
Anyway, my point is that Keno is a SPIRITUAL kind of game.
When trying to pick the winning numbers, you have to listen to
your soul because IF YOU HEAR IT IN YOUR SPIRIT, THEN YOU MUST
BET ON OR NEAR IT.
Now I know what you're
saying right off the bat. You're saying, "Lucky Ned Plays
Keno? I always thought Keno was a game for old ladies!" Well,
don't get your panties in a bunch! Let me give you a few platitudes
that explain this new turn of events.
- You CAN teach
an old dog new tricks.
- If WOMENS' INTUITION
says that keno is a winner, then who am I to disagree?
- You have a choice
of 80 numbers to bet on in Keno, 80! And what do I always say?
The more numbers there
are in a game of luck, THE MORE WAYS THERE ARE TO WIN,
by heck. But you are no mathematician, if I'm not mistaken. You
want proof! Then brace yourself for enLUCKenment!
In Keno, you can choose
anywhere between 2 and 10, or sometimes 2 and 20 numbers! That
gives you 117 undecillion possible combinations to bet. Now let's
say that only a conservative 43% of those combinations are winners-
that's 50 undecillion numbers that are sure to pay off! As a number
of winners, that ain't too shabby.
But it doesn't stop
there! As we will see, there are four kinds of keno, so multiply
that number by four-that gives you a 2 with 38 zeros after it
ways to win. We can round that number up to INFINITY!
Q.E.D.: You should
GET KEEN ON KENO!
There are four different
ways to play keno. Each has its own je ne sais quoi.
- Parlor Keno
- VIDEO KENO
- Restaurant Keno
- State Lottery Keno
Your first clue that
you are in a keno parlor is the chairs in rows all facing what
first appears to be a hell of a lot of nothing. But sniff twice
in a keno parlor, and you'll smell WINNING and smoking elders.
Listen with your ears and you'll hear something bouncing around-little
balls with numbers on them. Now look! There should be a lit up
scoreboard with numbers 1 through 80. A clue! Look around and
see if you can find betting windows. You can! Now you've solved
the mystery-you're in a keno parlor, and YOU'RE IN FOR THE BIG
As I often say to friends:
are looking to bust the casino
Go straight to the parlor and bet on KENO!
Step 1: check
the odds list. You can find these at the front of the parlor,
where you place your bets. Look over it. Study it. Muster a bead
of sweat and drop that bead into the middle of the odds sheet
for good luck. What do the numbers mean, you ask? Well, don't
ask now- IT'S TIME TO WAGER!
Step 2: Stroll
confidently to the betting booth and get a keno card. This is
a card that has numbers one through 80. It looks just like the
scoreboard, except it's flat, doesn't glow in the dark, is made
of paper, and is smaller.
Now comes step 3:
3 is a magic number! Pick your numbers. Check the odds card to
see how many you can pick, then pick As Many As Possible (AMAP).
Good people, we've
come to the keystone of my KENO INCREDI-SYSTEM: CHOOSE AMAP,
Why "as many as
possible"? Because that's more chances to win. Why "as
soon as possible"? Because the sooner you start, the faster
you'll get to the bank!
HINT!: I see
you putting check marks in the boxes of your ten numbers. But
why waste the chance to work a little magic? Instead of using
checks or X's, I always use my personal symbol: d. It takes
a little longer to fill in the squares, but the mystical energies
called into play more than make up for the few minutes difference.
Step lively during
step 4-right up to the window. Plunk down your card and
asizable chuck of cash. Grunt confidently, then step back and
watch the fun!
There will be a hopper
in plain sight, like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, and in the
hopper will be several numbered balls. Watch as they drop into
the winning chute. As they do, the scoreboard will light up the
corresponding numbers until
Like being in your
own private keno parlor, these machines, now located throughout
all major gambling venues, give you a computerized screen with
the magic 80 for your enjoyment and winning. More than twenty
people have heard me recite the wisdom:
win riches galore playing video keno.
Please don't scream and make a scene, though.
Simply sit in front
of the machine and drop in as much coinage as you can. Then the
real magic begins-the magic of TECHNOLOGY. Dangling from
the machine, there will typically by a pointer looking a little
like a grease-pencil. Touch the business end to the video screen
and your numbers will be magically selected. Some machines are
even wackier- you simply touch the screen with your own finger
to pick the numbers. This allows you to lick your fingers for
Finally, when your
guesses are all ready to win, press "GO" or "START"
and watch the electronified fun! Then relax as your numbers get
COINS COME SLIDING INTO YOUR HANDS!
What could be better
than waking on a Sunday morning at noon, sliding into your most
comfortable trousers, and heading on down to the buffet where
hot waffles, spicy sausages, sweet blintzes, excellent scrambled
eggs, and fine champagne await?
What if you could enjoy
all this without feeling the rush to pound it down and get to
the casino while the action is still hot? What if you could gamble
at your leisure while eating another pig-in-a-blanket with extra
Friends, WITH KENO
YOU CAN! As I always quip,
Whilst you dine like Brian Eno!
Now you don't go to
the parlor or the machine bank to play-no, the action COMES
TO YOU- in a miniskirt no less. Simply flag down one of the
friendly keno hostesses that will swarm through the establishment
and hand her your bet.
Odds cards, tickets,
and thick black crayons are on your table for the convenience
of betting between big buttery bites of biscuits and bacon! As
you go for seconds, the numbers light up on screens overhead and
just as you get back to your seat with another heaping helping
of hamburgers, you find
NAME IS "WINNER"!
You can play keno in
parlors, in casinos, and in restaurants. "But that's not
enough!" you say. Fret not, my little kookenhaken! That's
just the beginning. You can also play in:
- Convenience Stores
- Grocery Stores
- Liquor Stores
Anywhere you can buy
a lottery ticket you can play keno because the lottery game is
based on keno! As I've said, time and time again:
soda pop refreshes
and beef jerky is delicious!
This also applies to
keno! Simply fill out the lottery form, hand it to the clerk,
WILL WIN THE $5,000,000+ JACKPOT!
I know this is what
you're waiting for: "How do I pick the winning numbers, Ned?"
"What do I do now, Ned?" "Why do my legs hurt,
Ned?" Well quit your whining! I'm getting to it. "A
whining person NEVER learns to gamble!" That's rule
There are many sources
of lucky numbers, and you should use all of them:
- Chinese Fortune
- Significant Dates
in your Lifetime
- Numbers That Start
With The Same First Letter As Your First, Middle, Or Last Name.
- The Ages of Loved
- Your Age, Mama,
AND Your Shoe Size
- The Name of the
First Talking Heads Album
- A Certain Sex Position
- Numbers That Randomly
Pass Through Your Field of Vision
- The Numerological
Equivalents of Important Words in Your Life
- Your Address or
- Your Room Number
At the Hotel
- The Number of Shrimp
Cocktails You Can Eat in One Sitting
- Ask a Stranger for
a Number Between 1 and 80, Inclusive
- Numbers of Favorite
- Combinations of
Digits 0 through 9
- Numbers that Turn
Up on Scraps Of Paper In Your Pockets Or On Your Person
- Etc., Etc., Etc.,
Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc.
When considering individual
numbers, let your mind free-associate and get a hit off the number's
LUCK FACTOR based on your gut reaction to your associations.
Let me give you an example or two. The number 31 reminds me of
Ice Cream in as many flavors as I could possibly desire. I'll
pick 31 with a yummy feeling in my TUM TUM. (It's cute
like a big teddy bear!)
What about 45? Well,
that was the year we bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I think about
45 and start feeling an overwhelming despair take ahold of me
for all those innocents that perished in the nuclear blast. But
then I think about all my old 45 rpm records, and my favorite
tunes like "The Wild Dogs Of Kentucky" So, I'll bet
A seemingly neutral
number like 67 doesn't do much for me, but if I'm going for a
run of prime numbers, you can bet my money is square on the only
product of 1 times 67! So you see, it's all based on free-association
and good fortune.
AND BY COINS YOU'LL BE ENCUMBERED.
About individual numbers,
well, I have not played them all. But I will give you a few TRIED
AND TESTED HOT PICKS to get you started. Read them, memorize
them, and INCREASE YOUR 'NED'-WORTH!
is one; God is good; therefore one is always an excellent
never won on a four. Let me tell you a story. When I was
only eight or nine, my mother brought home a new washing
machine. It was the kind that you load on top. I thought
it would be fun to play in, so I started the thing up, watched
it fill, then climbed in. Well, I can tell you that it hurt
like a son-of-a-bitch, and not only was I badly bruised,
I completely wrecked the washer. Mother beat me worse than
another ride in the washing machine, and to this day I still
remember the whole thing like it was yesterday. She sure
taught me a lesson!
like sex, which is an enjoyable activity. Associate sex
with the number 6, and you're sure to want to bet it often.
yet to see someone else lose on a 15. It doesn't work for
me, particularly, but as long as it works for everyone else,
why not let 15 work for you?
of course, is the winning combination in Blackjack. Does
luck from one game count in another game? YOU BET YOUR
SWEET BIPPIE! A 21 is just as powerful in Keno!
Heinz steak sauce, betting this number increase the flavor
of your winnings.
critical to bet 80 often because it's the highest you can
go, and you want to go high don't you?
Now my friends, tarry
no longer! Get over to the Parlor, Video Machine, Restaurant,
or Convenience Store of your choice! Meditate ever so briefly
on your lucky numbers-or take the advice of a "luck consultant"
to be found in newspapers, astrology books, and dark alley-ways.
Then BET WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT-AND YOU JUST MIGHT WIN! With
Incredigaming to you
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