On WINNING CRAPS
A Lucky Ned IncrediSystem

Hi, I'm "Lucky Ned" and I am the winningest guy on the strip! Why? Because I'm good! Yes, GOOD! When I sidle in the front door of many casinos, I hear the owners say, "Here comes trouble! They know it's time to pray that they aren't left penniless after they taste my lucky winning streaks.

Now I'll share with you some of my secrets for dicing. Now, don't get excited or nothing, and don't start gambling until you read what I have to say, then FORGET IT ALL AND GO CRAZY!

First, you gotta know how what to look for. The craps table is long and lean made of wood and felt--green felt. It's real easy on the eyes. Then there's the dice. They are red with white spots. I'm THINKING CHRISTMAS! Then there are the chips. Lots of them, all coming to me. Last but not least there are the people. You got two kinds of people -- the throwers and the workers. And there's two kinds of throwers -- winners and losers.

Be a winner! Your next step is to find the HOT table. As I often say, "To find the hot table, you got to spot the hot table! Look for these tell tale signs of HOT CRAP!

1. Lots of screaming and yelling. "PEOPLE WHO ARE LOSING DON'T MAKE A PEEP, BUT PEOPLE WHO ARE WINNING WILL WAKE A DEAD MAN FROM SLEEP!" (That's one of my best rhymes -- gotta be true!)
2. Good cloud of smoke above the table -- non-smokers don't win. And some of that smoke is coming from the STEAMING HOT ACTION.
3. Waitresses buzzing around -- they know where the tips are!
4. Reloading the table. If you see a bunch of official looking guys with slick-backed hair carrying stacks of chips TO the table (not AWAY FROM IT) then you know that table is SMOKIN' (refer to tip #2)!
5. Lots of women at the table. I'll explain more about this later. It's one of those mystical things.
6. Dice flying off the table in all directions. Woo! It's like damn nucular FUSION! The table is TOO HOT TO HOLD THE DICE.

Okay, you,ve found a hot table. Don't just stand there, LET THE WINNING BEGIN!

Plunk down yer money and your profits won't be funny!

BETTING TO WIN THE BIG BUCKS

Bet on the Pass Line. That's the way to start. If you do, you are a RIGHT BETTOR. Remember: A RIGHT BETTOR IS BETTER. Now, if the shooter rolls a seven--guess what?--YOU WIN! Eleven too, I think.

If you choose to LOSE, you can bet "Don't Pass," but then you are a WRONG BETTOR, and nobody will like you. They shouldn't even put it on the table, so never bet it under penalty of ostracism. A curse shall be laid upon your household that will last 7 years! Your dreams will turn sour! So never, ever, ever bet "Don't Pass." Unless of course, you really really feel you just have to. Then go ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you first.

Once the first roll happens, you're on a ROLL! Like I said a SEVEN pays big! And I think eleven.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not all wine and roses. If the player rolls a deuce, snake-eyes, boxcars, aces, a twelve, or a trey, or a three, or a two and a one, or two sixes then YOU LOSE! But do not despair, there's another roll where that one came from. And INTO EACH LIFE A LITTLE RAIN MUST FALL. Shakespeare said that, not me.

If anything else comes up, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, or 10, that's the POINT. (Do you get my point?) The dealer turns up the PUCK. No, no, I said PUCK--get your mind out of the gutter! This puck is the kind that's like an on-off switch. It's black and white like a popular rock singer. It's round and smooth like the puck in a men's room urinal.

When it's on, then the number it's on will be thrown by the shooter for A BIG WIN! If you get the point, you get the pesos! Now let,s say that the shooter goofs around for a long time shooting nine and four and twelve and such and never gets to that one measly five you're all waiting for--well, you can make it pay! THAT'S MORE TIME TO WIN -- MORE THROW MEANS MORE DOUGH!

But now if a seven comes up you lose! Tricky ol, seven! So the trick is knowing when the seven is going to come up and take appropriate steps! Here are some clear signs a seven is next:

• If the dice hit someone's hand.
• If the person next to you says, "I'm from Virgil, Texas" just as you notice your shoe is untied. (But if there is still ice in your cocktail, you may be okay.)
• If the dice hit fresh money that someone is laying on the table. Not only will the shooter crap out, but all that money that was hit by the dice will also lose. The fool didn't have any cause to be cashing in money then anyway, and it spoiled it for ALL OF US!
• If you hit the sequence 3-5-6-8-9-8-5-2 in a row, the next number is a SEVEN -- ALWAYS! Just try to prove me wrong!
• If a man says he is dicing for the first time.
• If a man is rolling the bones and calls for a mixed drink that involves milk. Seven ahead!
• If you hear someone even mention the number seven, as in, "I have seven children, then the next roll is a seven. If someone orders a 7&7, you,re going to crap out, but bet pass right away--because the next roll will also be seven!

So, get out while you can! Take all your money from the table! You will get hit by the dealer, so leave what he tells you you must leave, and get the rest OUT! SEVEN OUT--DID I TELL YOU? YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME!

MORE BETS? YOU BET!

There are at least 28 ways to bet on the cubes! And what do I always tell you? MORE BETS MEANS MORE CHANCES TO WIN! Now your eyes are turning in the right direction -- to all the other bets on the table. What do they mean? Just follow me as we leap onto the felt like two tumbling dice, and I'll show you the way! I have drawn a picture of a table below for your convenience. After that, I EXPLAIN the various ways to BET AND WIN!

The Bet	What I Say!
Pass	Here's where the winning begins!
Odds	Increase your winning (bring a calculator)!
Come	Like cloning yourself and betting again!
Don't Pass	EVIL! Stay away!
Don't Come	That's what she said!
Big Six	Big means BIG WINNNING! Bet heavy here and let it ride!
Big Eight	This is a sucker bet, do not wager here!
Field	Win on 7 numbers--sounds good to me!
Place bets	You can put money here if you want to increase your riches!

LAYING ODDS

Odds are an especially tricky thing that I am pretty sure I understand. If a POINT has been rolled, you may make an Odds bet on that point. At the Pass Line, here's my advice for every point.

The Point	What I Say
4	Pays 2 to 1, which is good!
5	I've always liked fives
6	NO NO NO! Well, maybe!
8	YES! Definitely, unless...
9	Don't touch with your hands--OUCH!
10	Think of Bo Derek! Hot-cha!

PROPOSITION BETS

Here's where the real money's made. Prop bets are where you GO WITH YOUR GUTS!

The Prop Bet	What I Say
Horn	Feeling horny? That's one of my little jokes.
2	Snake eyes. Get a gun!
3	Bet only on your birthday!
11	Bet with 7 and get a BIG GULP!
12	It pays 30 to 1 -- you'd be a fool not to bet this!
Hard 4 (two deuces)	It's all up to you. In the long run, a good pay-off.
Hard 6 (two threes)	Constantly fighting with seven! Can't lose!
Hard 8 (two fours)	Happens every other roll! Hence, bet it.
Hard 10 (two fives)	That's what she said! This is another of my jokes.
7	Never, unless you have a green chip.

Here are some other prop bets you should know about: Hop bet, Eighter from Decatur, World Bet, Yo, C & E. These bets are Las Vegas, best-kept secrets, kept even from me. I don't know what they mean but the really polished pros at the tables always play them. So if you find out, BET THEM HEAVILY BECAUSE THEY ARE BOUND AND DETEMINED TO PAYOFF! YOU'LL REAP THE BUCKS. Also, tell me what they mean if you get a chance.

NOT SUPERSTITIONS--FACTS!

Now I'll tell you the real good stuff. Take notes! If you keep betting come no matter what else happens, you increase your odds of winning by 17%! Women: When the shooter is a "virgin" (i.e.e.g. a woman who has never diced before), the table is in for the hottest roll it's had in months! IF the woman is a veteran dicer, don't bet on her rolls -- she's likely to crap out -- but DO bet exactly as she does because she likely knows what the hell she is doing. Alternating your strategy to constantly keep it fresh is the best thing you can do.

Don't wear argyle socks while gambling, you fool!

Fact: if you'd like to pull out all your bets but it's mid-throw, simply smack the stickman with your hand. They'll give you all your money back. Now's a good chance to find a fresh casino. To make the point come up, touch something beige to the back of your knee. Men who have never diced before shouldn't start -- their luck's always bad.

THROWING TECHNIQUES

Now the dice are in your hand. Are you just going to huck them? NO! WHEN YOU ARE THROWING, YOUR MOJO IS GOING! Get them dice filled with your hoodoo, Jackson! Use this routine to your benefit:

1. Rattle them bones.
2. While rattling them, blow on your rattling hand.
3. Use short puffs of air, not one continuous stream.
4. Say "Come on! Baby, come on!"
5. Now throw! - But you're not done yet!
6. Exactly as your release the dice, say "HO!"
7. When the dice hit the far bumper (and they'd better or you've lost the farm) you shout, "HOTCHA!"
8. Finally when the dice come to rest, you turn to the people around you and say, "What is it, what is it? What'd I get? Eh? Eh?"

There. That should do it. Eventually, you may develop your own style in dicing. Some people like to talk about shoes when they throw. I don't know why. Sometimes I hear people yelling "YO! What's that all about??"

Now, there's not only dicing technique, there's also the DIRECTION of the throw. "AIM 'EM RIGHT, AND YOUR LUCK'S AIR-TIGHT!"

Check out my diagram and color-coded table below. This should help your aiming strategy plenty, so get busy and memorize it! Now!

This is zone for throwing Sevens. Hit first just after the midpoint of the table, bounce at the end (the far left pink zone), and hard against the back wall. Winner Seven!

If a point is established, aim here to hit it. throw so the dice bounce behind the Passline, but DO NOT HIT THE WALL. Hit the back wall. You can never stand behind the this area. How could you ever throw points?

Always get a good hit off the backwall.

If one of the "bones" should bounce off the table, get a new one. The old one was tired. Avoid bouncing the dice into the corner.

If you don't want a seven but a point on the comeout roll, the first bounce goes here.

This is the ideal place to throw from. Other places are for suckers and advanced "Don't Pass" bettors.

A few other notes I have laying around: Shoot the dice HARD! Shoot the dice HIGH! See if you can smack someone at a blackjack table in the back of the head with one of the dice.

IN SUM

Let me tell you a legend of a man I know. This guy was an unassuming man, easy going, laid-back, liked his liquor. He was a ladies' man, though you might not guess it by looking at him. He was sauve but not in an obvious way. He had a subtlely handsome air. Anyway, this guy walks into the famous Four Queens Casino in the Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada. He was carrying only $20. He smoothly made his way, easily, to the craps table and without so much as batting an eye, threw down his one and only double sawback. They chipped it. Now, this man I know, he was so cool. HE put a single dollar on the pass line. The bet passed. He put another on the pass line. That bet passed. Let's fastforward for about an hour and a half. That man walked away from the craps table to the change booth. He gave the cashier a little smile. She looked away. He dropped the chips he had taken from the table onto her counter, and they rang musically. She stacked, counted, stacked some more. "Don't take any for yourself, now, he said, jokingly. She stifled a belly laugh. He collected his money and left the casino. Richer. Wiser. Sadder. Now, friends, I am not a man that boasts. I am not a man that doesn't know the fine art of MODESTY, HELLO! But, friends, I need to tell you: that man was none other--than me.

If I can do it, so can you. Heck, get dressed to the NINES, and have a good TIME. Get in there and strut your mess. CRAPS is the name of the game. I know it sounds a little silly, but CRAPS is the name anyway.

Incredigaming to you and yours,

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