Hi, I'm "Lucky
Ned" and I am the winningest guy on the strip! Why? Because
I'm good! Yes, GOOD! When I sidle in the front door of many casinos,
I hear the owners say, "Here comes trouble! They know it's
time to pray that they aren't left penniless after they taste
my lucky winning streaks.
Now I'll share with
you some of my secrets for dicing. Now, don't get excited or nothing,
and don't start gambling until you read what I have to say, then
FORGET IT ALL AND GO CRAZY!
First, you gotta know
how what to look for. The craps table is long and lean made of
wood and felt--green felt. It's real easy on the eyes. Then there's
the dice. They are red with white spots. I'm THINKING CHRISTMAS!
Then there are the chips. Lots of them, all coming to me. Last
but not least there are the people. You got two kinds of people
-- the throwers and the workers. And there's two kinds of throwers
-- winners and losers.
Be a winner! Your next
step is to find the HOT table. As I often say, "To
find the hot table, you got to spot the hot table! Look for these
tell tale signs of HOT CRAP!
- Lots of screaming
and yelling. "PEOPLE WHO ARE LOSING DON'T MAKE A PEEP,
BUT PEOPLE WHO ARE WINNING WILL WAKE A DEAD MAN FROM SLEEP!"
(That's one of my best rhymes -- gotta be true!)
- Good cloud of smoke
above the table -- non-smokers don't win. And some of that smoke
is coming from the STEAMING HOT ACTION.
- Waitresses buzzing
around -- they know where the tips are!
- Reloading the table.
If you see a bunch of official looking guys with slick-backed
hair carrying stacks of chips TO the table (not AWAY
FROM IT) then you know that table is SMOKIN' (refer
to tip #2)!
- Lots of women at
the table. I'll explain more about this later. It's one of those
- Dice flying off
the table in all directions. Woo! It's like damn nucular FUSION!
The table is TOO HOT TO HOLD THE DICE.
Okay, you,ve found
a hot table. Don't just stand there, LET THE WINNING BEGIN!
Plunk down yer money
and your profits won't be funny!
BETTING TO WIN
THE BIG BUCKS
Bet on the Pass Line.
That's the way to start. If you do, you are a RIGHT BETTOR.
Remember: A RIGHT BETTOR IS BETTER. Now, if the shooter
rolls a seven--guess what?--YOU WIN! Eleven too, I think.
If you choose to LOSE,
you can bet "Don't Pass," but then you are a WRONG
BETTOR, and nobody will like you. They shouldn't even put
it on the table, so never bet it under penalty of ostracism. A
curse shall be laid upon your household that will last 7 years!
Your dreams will turn sour! So never, ever, ever bet "Don't
Pass." Unless of course, you really really feel you just
have to. Then go ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you first.
Once the first roll
happens, you're on a ROLL! Like I said a SEVEN pays
big! And I think eleven.
Now don't get me wrong,
it's not all wine and roses. If the player rolls a deuce, snake-eyes,
boxcars, aces, a twelve, or a trey, or a three, or a two and a
one, or two sixes then YOU LOSE! But do not despair, there's
another roll where that one came from. And INTO EACH LIFE A
LITTLE RAIN MUST FALL. Shakespeare said that, not me.
If anything else comes
up, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, or 10, that's the POINT. (Do you get
my point?) The dealer turns up the PUCK. No, no, I said PUCK--get
your mind out of the gutter! This puck is the kind that's like
an on-off switch. It's black and white like a popular rock singer.
It's round and smooth like the puck in a men's room urinal.
When it's on, then
the number it's on will be thrown by the shooter for A BIG
WIN! If you get the point, you get the pesos! Now let,s say
that the shooter goofs around for a long time shooting nine and
four and twelve and such and never gets to that one measly five
you're all waiting for--well, you can make it pay! THAT'S MORE
TIME TO WIN -- MORE THROW MEANS MORE DOUGH!
But now if a seven
comes up you lose! Tricky ol, seven! So the trick is knowing when
the seven is going to come up and take appropriate steps! Here
are some clear signs a seven is next:
- If the dice hit
- If the person next
to you says, "I'm from Virgil, Texas" just as you
notice your shoe is untied. (But if there is still ice in your
cocktail, you may be okay.)
- If the dice hit
fresh money that someone is laying on the table. Not only will
the shooter crap out, but all that money that was hit by the
dice will also lose. The fool didn't have any cause to be cashing
in money then anyway, and it spoiled it for ALL OF US!
- If you hit the sequence
3-5-6-8-9-8-5-2 in a row, the next number is a SEVEN -- ALWAYS!
Just try to prove me wrong!
- If a man says he
is dicing for the first time.
- If a man is rolling
the bones and calls for a mixed drink that involves milk. Seven
- If you hear someone
even mention the number seven, as in, "I have seven children,
then the next roll is a seven. If someone orders a 7&7,
you,re going to crap out, but bet pass right away--because the
next roll will also be seven!
So, get out while you
can! Take all your money from the table! You will get hit by the
dealer, so leave what he tells you you must leave, and get the
rest OUT! SEVEN OUT--DID I TELL YOU? YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME!
MORE BETS? YOU
There are at least
28 ways to bet on the cubes! And what do I always tell you? MORE
BETS MEANS MORE CHANCES TO WIN! Now your eyes are turning
in the right direction -- to all the other bets on the table.
What do they mean? Just follow me as we leap onto the felt like
two tumbling dice, and I'll show you the way! I have drawn a picture
of a table below for your convenience. After that, I EXPLAIN
the various ways to BET AND WIN!
Here's where the winning begins!
Increase your winning (bring a calculator)!
Like cloning yourself and betting again!
EVIL! Stay away!
That's what she said!
Big means BIG WINNNING! Bet heavy here and let it ride!
This is a sucker bet, do not wager here!
Win on 7 numbers--sounds good to me!
You can put money here if you want to increase your riches!
Odds are an especially
tricky thing that I am pretty sure I understand. If a POINT has
been rolled, you may make an Odds bet on that point. At the Pass
Line, here's my advice for every point.
2 to 1, which is good!
always liked fives
NO NO! Well, maybe!
YES! Definitely, unless...
Don't touch with your hands--OUCH!
Think of Bo Derek! Hot-cha!
Here's where the real
money's made. Prop bets are where you GO WITH YOUR GUTS!
Feeling horny? That's one of my little jokes.
Snake eyes. Get a gun!
Bet only on your birthday!
Bet with 7 and get a BIG GULP!
It pays 30 to 1 -- you'd be a fool not to bet this!
4 (two deuces)
It's all up to you. In the long run, a good pay-off.
6 (two threes)
Constantly fighting with seven! Can't lose!
Hard 8 (two fours)
Happens every other roll! Hence, bet it.
10 (two fives)
That's what she said! This is another of my jokes.
Never, unless you have a green chip.
Here are some other
prop bets you should know about: Hop bet, Eighter from Decatur,
World Bet, Yo, C & E. These bets are Las Vegas, best-kept
secrets, kept even from me. I don't know what they mean but the
really polished pros at the tables always play them. So if you
find out, BET THEM HEAVILY BECAUSE THEY ARE BOUND AND DETEMINED
TO PAYOFF! YOU'LL REAP THE BUCKS. Also, tell me what they
mean if you get a chance.
Now I'll tell you the
real good stuff. Take notes! If you keep betting come no matter
what else happens, you increase your odds of winning by 17%! Women:
When the shooter is a "virgin" (i.e.e.g. a woman who
has never diced before), the table is in for the hottest roll
it's had in months! IF the woman is a veteran dicer, don't
bet on her rolls -- she's likely to crap out -- but DO
bet exactly as she does because she likely knows what the hell
she is doing. Alternating your strategy to constantly keep it
fresh is the best thing you can do.
Don't wear argyle socks
while gambling, you fool!
Fact: if you'd like
to pull out all your bets but it's mid-throw, simply smack the
stickman with your hand. They'll give you all your money back.
Now's a good chance to find a fresh casino. To make the point
come up, touch something beige to the back of your knee. Men who
have never diced before shouldn't start -- their luck's always
Now the dice are in
your hand. Are you just going to huck them? NO! WHEN YOU ARE
THROWING, YOUR MOJO IS GOING! Get them dice filled with your
hoodoo, Jackson! Use this routine to your benefit:
- Rattle them bones.
- While rattling them,
blow on your rattling hand.
- Use short puffs
of air, not one continuous stream.
- Say "Come on!
Baby, come on!"
- Now throw! - But
you're not done yet!
- Exactly as your
release the dice, say "HO!"
- When the dice hit
the far bumper (and they'd better or you've lost the farm) you
- Finally when the
dice come to rest, you turn to the people around you and say,
"What is it, what is it? What'd I get? Eh? Eh?"
There. That should
do it. Eventually, you may develop your own style in dicing. Some
people like to talk about shoes when they throw. I don't know
why. Sometimes I hear people yelling "YO! What's that all
Now, there's not only
dicing technique, there's also the DIRECTION of the throw. "AIM
'EM RIGHT, AND YOUR LUCK'S AIR-TIGHT!"
Check out my diagram
and color-coded table below. This should help your aiming strategy
plenty, so get busy and memorize it! Now!
is zone for throwing Sevens. Hit first just after the midpoint
of the table, bounce at the end (the far left pink zone),
and hard against the back wall. Winner Seven!
a point is established, aim here to hit it. throw so the
dice bounce behind the Passline, but DO NOT HIT THE WALL.
Hit the back wall. You can never stand behind the this area.
How could you ever throw points?
get a good hit off the backwall.
one of the "bones" should bounce off the table,
get a new one. The old one was tired. Avoid bouncing the
dice into the corner.
you don't want a seven but a point on the comeout roll,
the first bounce goes here.
is the ideal place to throw from. Other places are for suckers
and advanced "Don't Pass" bettors.
A few other notes I
have laying around: Shoot the dice HARD! Shoot the dice
HIGH! See if you can smack someone at a blackjack table
in the back of the head with one of the dice.
Let me tell you a legend
of a man I know. This guy was an unassuming man, easy going, laid-back,
liked his liquor. He was a ladies' man, though you might not guess
it by looking at him. He was sauve but not in an obvious way.
He had a subtlely handsome air. Anyway, this guy walks into the
famous Four Queens Casino in the Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada. He
was carrying only $20. He smoothly made his way, easily, to the
craps table and without so much as batting an eye, threw down
his one and only double sawback. They chipped it. Now, this man
I know, he was so cool. HE put a single dollar on the pass line.
The bet passed. He put another on the pass line. That bet passed.
Let's fastforward for about an hour and a half. That man walked
away from the craps table to the change booth. He gave the cashier
a little smile. She looked away. He dropped the chips he had taken
from the table onto her counter, and they rang musically. She
stacked, counted, stacked some more. "Don't take any for
yourself, now, he said, jokingly. She stifled a belly laugh. He
collected his money and left the casino. Richer. Wiser. Sadder.
Now, friends, I am not a man that boasts. I am not a man that
doesn't know the fine art of MODESTY, HELLO! But, friends,
I need to tell you: that man was none other--than me.
If I can do it, so
can you. Heck, get dressed to the NINES, and have a good
TIME. Get in there and strut your mess. CRAPS is
the name of the game. I know it sounds a little silly, but CRAPS
is the name anyway.
Incredigaming to you
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