On WINNING BLACKJACK
A Lucky Ned Incredi-system

Hello, I'm "Lucky" Ned and I practically own Las Vegas. It seems like every time I waltz into town, the casino owners shake with fear and when I waltz out, I know I've caused some hefty damage to their coffers. Why? Because I know how to play blackjack. I am just plain good. No gimmicks or tricks, just good, yes, GOOD! I'm so skilled at the game I call my own that even when I appear to be losing immense sums of cash, I am really cleaning out casino after casino. Heck, why else would I leave a casino except that I have drained them of all their moolah and good fortune?

In order to be a winner, you have to throw all those dumb theories, card counting tricks, and simple logic straight out the window. Let me tell you about my philosophy of the game and how to win. my philosophy is this: A THINKING BLACKJACK PLAYER IS A LOSING BLACKJACK PLAYER. You ever know someone who just plain thought too much? There's a bunch of people that do, and they're always working themselves into a frenzy because they use reason, probability, and something called "common sense". Those things just don't apply to playing the ol' blackjack. DON'T THINK TOO MUCH: GO WITH YOUR GUTS!! This inevitably leads to great success. Like I always say, IF YOU TRUST YOUR GUTS, YOU'LL SOON BE MAKING THE CASINO OWNERS NUTS!!

Before I get into the facts and figures, I want to tell you that if you are reading this article, you're already studying the game too much. What I suggest is to skim through it, stopping every once in a while for a beer break. Now would be a good time. Are you back? Good. When you finish with the article, think about something else for a while before you try to get into a game. Remember, if you are going to learn anything from this article you should try to forget it before you start playing because A THINKING BLACKJACK PLAYER IS A LOSING BLACKJACK PLAYER. I mean, if you're winning, what the hell do you need to think for?

Now it's time for some concrete data--facts and figures, if you will. The following chart should help out. After that, I will provide some bonus tips for advanced players.

Definitely Hit... unless you really think you should stay.

Double Down

Better stay... unless...

Splitting

I was sitting at a table once and got a five up and a five down. Naturally, I split. The guy next to me thought I was nuts. He said, "How could you split fives? You had ten and the dealer has a four!" This guy was obviously an amateur.

In the game called blackjack, two fives DO NOT add up to ten--they add up to TROUBLE! It doesn't matter if the dealer has a four or a ten or a slice of lemon pie--you ALWAYS SPLIT FIVES! You see, fives wish they were tens and when they get together, they like to take out their frustrations by summoning busting cards to the top of the deck. When I see two fives, I get me an aching in my gut that says GET THOSE FIVES APART! Remember GO WITH YOUR GUTS!!!

Unfortunately, both my fives busted. But that was my own fault because I failed to push the fives far enough away from each other on the table. Remember: GET THOSE FIVES FAR, FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!

But what about other pairs? Should you split those?

Yes, always. Any two of a kind is a rare occasion. You know that you got lucky just by getting a pair. Take advantage of it and turn one lucky hand into two!! Never, repeat, never underestimate the power of luck! Some people say you shouldn't split a pair of tens because it's a winning hand. Thought Alert!! Keep your brain out of the game and split those tens. Besides, if you got two tens, the odds are very much in your favor to get two more!! SPLIT AND WIN LICKETY SPLIT is what I say.

Also, lots of folks in Vegas never heard of splitting and if you split while they are watching, it makes you seem like you know the game inside and out. How does this help you, you wonder. Well, there you go thinking too much again.

Cocktails

Let's pretend that you've read this article and you are still losing. If you are playing in the right place YOU CAN NEVER LOSE! Pick a casino where they will serve you free drinks. Then, even if you happen to lose a few bucks, you can keep absorbing your losses by drinking their free booze and stealing the glasses. They don't keep track of them, trust me. It's easy!

Your Opponents

Even though you aren't actually playing against anybody but the dealer, the fact remains that every other person at the table wants to beat you at blackjack. They want to see you lose and they want you to see them win. In short, they are out to get you.

The dealer, likewise, is always out to do you dirt. After all, the dealer is only the pawn of the house, and the house wants to get baby some new shoes--with your money. So trust nobody.

What you can do to compensate for the air of hostility around you is win. When you win, you intimidate those around you. If you happen to lose a hand or two, act nonchalant--even laugh, yes, LAUGH! Keep drinking as much as you can since that will prove that you can hold your liquor. Never look mad or upset. Don't let them see you sweat. And play until every last cent you have is gone, because you can't have a miraculous comeback unless you set yourself up for one.

Cutting the Cards

So many people simply cut cards. What a waste of a perfect opportunity to shift the probability in your favor. So many players don't understand that a bad cut means that the guy next to you will get all the good hands. Just play your hunch, you'll see what I mean.

When I cut, I go with my instincts: sometimes I cut 'em low and sometimes I'll do'er high. But I always feel it first DEEP DOWN IN MY TUM-TUM!

It also helps lots and lots if you intimidate the card, the dealer, and your opponents by saying a little rhyme when you cut. Let me give some examples.

If I feel I gotta cut near the top I'll say, "Cut 'em high and fly!" Or if I cut near the bottom I'll cry, "Cut 'em low and go, go, go!" Cut the middle of the deck and say, "Cut 'em middlin' and you'll be fiddlin'."

This kind of activity is bound to bring you luck and bucks!

Tipping the dealer

Are you kidding? Look, when you start losing, does the dealer tip you? No! Tipping is invariably a sign of weakness. Also, don't tip the cocktail waitresses. If you do, then the free cocktails aren't really free, are they?

What if you lose money

Do not tell anyone. Say you lost a hundred bucks. Get over the grief quickly because when you're friends ask you how much you lost you had better be prepared to say LOST, MY FOOT! I WON OVER ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS IN THERE! And you better say it like you mean it. Remember A LOSER IS A PERSON WHO ACTS LIKE A LOSER. If you act like a winner, you can never really have lost. You'll always be a winner if you use creative accounting. Take how much you lost and then subtract a dollar value for the fun you had, the lesson you learned (the more you lose the more valuable the lesson), and the people you met. I have yet to lose!!

Now get out there and play. In a few short weeks, you'll be "owning" Las Vegas just like I do! And remember, if you have fun, you've made more than enough of a profit.

Incredigaming to you and yours,

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