Mrs. Filthy's Real World Review

November 5, 2002

Swing Vote

As we all know, dearies, Alton has been miserable about Melissa, and he's making everyone else miserable, too. One day, though, Alton announces to Frank that his moping days are over, "I will not be a crybaby over Melissa ever again!" Frank, unhelpful youngster, encourages Alton to continue his teary rampage into eternity. But, non! Alton has set his sights on another comely lass, and Melissa is old news, discarded like yesterday's keno card.

And who is this scintillating beauty? Did Alton search high and low, in every Vegas casino? Well, actually, no. Alton probably spotted her brushing her teeth in the bathroom or eating leftovers by the fridge, and yet he still calls Irulan a "classy lady." Irulan thinks Alton is pretty neat, too, but she has a boyfriend, Gabe, brooding back east somewhere.

But Gabe is not exactly fulfilling Irulan's romantic desires right now; darlings, he won't even send her a care package! And Alton is walking around au naturel. This makes quite an impression on all the females in the house. "It's like a third leg!" squeals Trishelle. Irulan likes what she sees, but is more conflicted."I am lonely. I am horny," she tells the confessional. What's a poor girl to do? Evidently, a poor girl must pin Alton to the sofa, all the while waxing poetic about her "connection" and "friendship" for him.

All this horseplay will have to come to an end, though, because Gabe is coming to Vegas in a few days. Irulan is worried that Gabe will be "overwhelmed" by the free and easy Real Worlders, but her housemates are the least of her worries. Irulan tells Alton that she lost her attraction to him after the Bikini Queen incident, but in her private moments, she contemplates leaving Gabe for him.

Irulan and Arissa then visit a male strip club, and the sight of all those teensy-weensy bow ties and baby oil whip her into a lustful frenzy. She runs to Alton's bedroom and begins grinding into him. It almost looks like she's trying to tenderize a steak, dearies! Anyway, Alton eventually tells Irulan that he won't fool around with her. "You're rejecting ME?" hisses Irulan in disbelief. She can't quite believe it. After all, she was so confident that she banished Frank from the room. (That Frank gets banished an awful lot, no?)

"You don't have to go," whimpers Alton, but it's too late. He can only hope that Gabe forgets to bring a present, or has a boil on his face, or something. But will Irulan mention her kissing banditry to her long-distance lover? And, my heavens, what will Arissa say? Because you know, darlings, that she will say something!

Those members of the household who do not have lovers have plenty of time to observe their housemates' eating habits. Arissa, for one, is very concerned about Trishelle's. Trishelle inhales cold leftovers in the wee hours of the morning. Or she doesn't eat at all. Or she eats little tiny pieces of something and compares her portion to everyone else's. Or she throws it all back up. Whatever she does, her behavior surely isn't found in Emily Post!

Trishelle claims she doesn't have a problem, that she has a "bad stomach" and that she's "only afraid of getting fat." One day after lunch, Trishelle gets up to use the restroom, and Arissa follows her- not exactly polite behavior, either! Of course, mes amis, she catches Trishelle in the purgative act and immediately corners her for a bit of girl talk. "I'm not judging you," she purrs, but Trishelle senses that, yes, Arissa is judging her and keeps mum. Arissa then goes on to describe all the disgusting things about eating disorders. I'm not judging you, Trishelle, but no one will like you when your teeth are brown and your hair falls out.

Who Cries? No one sheds a single tear this week. They're too busy puking, or fondling one another.

Most Annoying: Sure, Irulan tries to cheat on her boyfriend, but Arissa is quite the prude this week.

Beauty Tip of the Week: Be sure to check your teeth after tossing your lunch! It works for Trishelle.

Best Quote: "I am not Arissa!" forcefully declares Irulan. "We are not the same!"

Next Week: Gabe arrives in Las Vegas.

For those of you who missed last week's column, here it is!

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This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

Lapsing Into a Comma: A Curmudgeon's Guide to the Many Things That Can Go Wrong in Print--And How to Avoid Them by Bill Walsh