Mrs. Filthy's Real World Review

October 29, 2002

Alton, Fair in Love and War?

I'm a woman who takes a certain pride in her home, and when holidays roll around, I like to decorate. I can't do much with the outside of our apartment, since we don't have a balcony or even a sizable window. Inside, however, Filthy's and my abode is transformed into a wonderland of Easter bunnies, jack o'lanterns and jolly Santas, depending on the time of year.

My favorite holiday is Christmas, of course, but I have a fair amount of Halloween paraphernalia. I don't think my husband is too fond of it, though. The grinning skeletons and shrieking bats can provide an awful shock after an evening of beer and windshield wiper fluid. But, he's a good sport, and I love him for it.

This year, though, I wish he wasn't such a good sport. You see, dearies, I had just about retrieved all my Halloween goodies from the storage space, but there was one more box I had to get, and it was way up high. There was no way I wasn't going to get this box; it had my collection of rubber organs and the glow-in-the-dark skull I like to put on the coffee table. It's just not Halloween without rubber livers and pancreas, mes amis!

So, I got the stepladder and reached up high, but, dearies, I'm not too steady on my feet and sacre bleu! Before I knew it, I was buried beneath crate after crate of holiday centerpieces, ashtrays and assorted garland. Lucky for me, I found a few stale candy canes from last year, or I would've wasted away to nothing!

It took me a few days to dig my way out, but I'm fine now. Of course, I missed Halloween, but really, that's okay. I just may take a little break from holiday decorating, at least until Christmas. The real problem, sweeties, is that I missed my weekly column. I'm sorry, desolee, and I hope you forgive my absence.

Not that this episode was necessarily a pivotal one. This week, we learn that Alton loves the women. He also loves a particular woman, namely his raven-haired ex-girlfriend Melissa. As much as he enjoys chatting up the Vegas lasses, he never is too busy to call Melissa and snuffily announce, "I don't know. Maybe I love you, or something."

Is Melissa just as enchanted with Monsieur Romantique? Well, dearies, she seems to be hiding something. After Alton waxes poetic about his burning love for her, he makes sure to ask some probing questions about Melissa's sex life. Is she doing it? Has she done it? Does she plan to do it in the near future? How sweet! It's almost enough to make one forget that these kids are no longer a couple.

One magic evening, Alton meets the winner of the Ghetto Fabulous Bikini contest and sparks fly, trumpets sound and trains race through tunnels. It's like a fairy tale, darlings! Anyway, Alton brings the Bikini Queen back to the Real World pad, and they make thorough use of the communal tub. Let's just say that Bikini Woman just becomes plain ol' Woman in short order. Irulan and Arissa are shocked, shocked that a young man would do such a thing. "Where's her leash? Why are you letting her walk around free?" they snipe. Me-ow!

Arissa, in particular, gets her maidenly pajamas in a bunch over the whole situation. She cannot believe that there was a skank a mere two feet from her bedroom; she's forgetting, my lovelies, that in Las Vegas, it's hard to find a bedroom without a skank lurking skankily nearby. Alton knows that he's in hot water (and I'm not only talking about the fancy bathtub!) and plans to apologize, as soon as he fulfills his cravings. "Damn, I'm gonna get me something African!" he exults.

The next morning, Alton cleans out the bathtub and promises to behave like a gentleman, and it seems like everything has calmed down. But then, Alton calls Melissa and tells her about his exploit. When Melissa admits her own roving ways to Alton, it's enough to make him hang up on her. Alton spends the rest of the episode brooding over Melissa's betrayal to anyone who will stand still. "This guy is ugly! He's not even intelligent!" he yelps in disbelief and wounded pride.

Arissa urges him to be philosophical, to let the situation go, but Alton still has two million people in the Las Vegas metropolitan area to tell. He bends the ear of an equally inebriated fellow named Billy. Billy offers such sage insights as, "Women do all sorts of things" and "You'll never be able to figure out women." As Steven observes, "Alton wears his heart on his sleeve, and that bites you in the ass sometimes." Oooh, that sounds painful, not to mention anatomically impossible.

Alton pours his heart out to Irulan, too. Irulan isn't as blunt as Arissa, or as booze-drenched as Billy, and she tells him that someone else will soon come along. Guess who that someone is?

And you'll be relieved that Brynn has finally found her calling. After being humiliated by the Robo-Banker 3000's recitation of her microscopic bank balance, Brynn decides she needs another job. She auditions to be a go-go dancer at Rain, but has little hope that she'll achieve her go-go goals after seeing all the other aspirants. And then, magically, Jean calls her and asks her to fill in for a sick dancer (does she have a go-go goiter?). Brynn gets up on that platform and delivers all five of her moves with all the verve her sausage-shaped body can muster. Her housemates watch in awe. "She should be a go-go dancer for the rest of her life," suggests Frank. Eek, that sounds like a rough life sentence, doesn't it?

Who Cries? Some people are talkative drunks while others are angry drunks. Alton's a weepy drunk.

Most Annoying: I had no idea how needy Alton was until this episode.

Go-Go Tip of the Week: It's the boots, darlings!

Best Quote: "I am not comfortable with being uncomfortable in my own house!" declares Arissa.

Next Week: Alton and Irulan get to know each other a little better.

Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?

This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

Don't Tell the Grownups: Subversive Themes in Children's Literature by Alison Lurie