The Korean War was a hard fought and the U.S. government needed every man it could get, even if they were a bit stupid. Recruited out of the dregs of society came the greatest battling squadron of all time. Buckle your adventure belts because it's time for another action-packed tour of duty with:


by Dan

Jake Smasher - once a derelict in the streets of New york, now the sharp-shooting leader of the greatest battling heroes of all time.

Bulk Jiminy - an ex-con, drug addict who was released from prison to fight; a brave, strong, though catatonic man.

Anemic Lion - the alcoholic chieftain of the Zamboni Indian Tribe possessing a great knowledge of strategy and how to mix drinks.

Yummy Poofter - a homosexual boxer whose great pugilistic instincts make the other soldiers tolerate his presence (but not too close!).

Ux Pooka - a belgian merchant smitten with absolutely no taste in clothes. But, man, does he know his stuff when it comes to guns.

Barb Wyre - a woman that snuck into this man's army. Not a great fighter, but woo!woo!

Zeppo Marx - the only marx brother that wasn't funny. Now he fights in Korea where he doesn't need to get laughs.


When we last left the GREATEST BATTLING HEROES OF ALL TIME, they had been captured by the Korean soldiers outside of Chonju command post. The evil Korean Captain took their weapons and put them in an underground cell which was DARK and UGLY!

"Gee! What are we going to do now?" asked Zeppo.

"I suppose it's time for us to DIE," answered Jake Smasher, "I think that this time, we've no way out. This time we go to that GREAT BIG BATTLEFIELD IN THE SKY!"

"Oh, no," sobbed Barb Wyre, "It's just TOO awful. Besides, I'm too gorgeous to die. Woo!Woo!"

Bulk Jiminy, the catatonic soldier, sat in the corner saying nothing. He seemed to be brooding over his imminent fate, but probably wasn't.

"Ha!" came the Korean officer's voice throught the top of the underground cage. "We've got you light where we want you. In a few minutes, we are going to shoot you one by one. There is no escape for you now, so get leady to die. HAAHAAAHAAAAA!!"

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" asked Zeppo, "to get to the other side. Get it?"

"Quiet," commanded Jake, "This is no time for your FUNNY JOKES. Now we've got to think of a WAY OUT."

The seven super warriors sat brooding how to escape. What will they do? Is this really the final roll call? Is the GREATEST DAMN FIGHTING TEAM OF ALL TIME going to DIE like DOGS in the ENEMY CAMP????

"Wait," said Yummy Poofter, "I just remembered! I'm carrying a concealed MACHINE GUN up my nose! Quick! Help me pull it out! "Okay," said Zeppo and Ux, going toward Yummy's nose, "only, don't get too close because your SEXUALITY is SOMEWHAT in QUESTION."

"Great!" said Jake. "Now here's the plan..."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Ugh! Ugh! UGHH!" called Ux Pooka from within the cell. "I feel sick. I feel like I'm going to DIE!"

The Korean captain looked down into the hole. "Okay, I'll come down there and see if I can help you. But don't tly anything funny or we won't be able to execute you later!" As the Korean officer stepped down into the dark cell, Zeppo grabbed him and said, "HA! The JOKE'S on YOU!"

"What do you want flom me?" asked the SCARED officer. "We want you to take off your uniform..." began Jake.

"Yeah!" said Yummy Poofter, winking. (How that guy got into this man's army, I'LL never know!) "...and we want you to command your soldier's to throw down six more uniforms for the rest of us."

"Okay, vely good, just don't hurt me!" said the Korean captain. I guess Jake and his Rollin' Rebels took all the FIGHT out of THAT guy!!

* * * * * * * * * *

The ROLLIN' REBELS stepped from the cage wearing the commandeered uniforms, leaving the captain tied up and gagged IN the cell. The soldiers that were guarding the cell saw that they were wearing Korean uniforms and did not shoot. But one was suspicious.

"Why were the seven of you in the undelglound cell with those Amelican plisoners?"

"Yeah," said the other guard, "what were you doing?"

"Oh, nothing really." answered Jake in his best Korean accent.

"Okay. Go ahead." said the two Korean guards.

"Danka. Tank you for lettink us go." said Zeppo.

"Wait a second! You're not Koreans! Help!" yelled the guards.

"Zeppo, you idiot! We're really in for it now! All we have is one machine gun. Everybody RUN FOR IT!" yelled Jake.

They ran, bullets WHIZZZZING by their heads, within centimeters, as the brave seven ran for the forest. "Hold your fire!" yelled Anemic Lion, "I am a genius and can't run very fast!"

"I'm HIT!" screamed Ux Pooka.

"Oh NOOOO," cried Barb, who was secretly in love with Ux despite his TERRIBLE clothing.

"I'm not really hit!" yelled Ux, "I just always wanted to say that."

Chief Anemic Lion, who was near Ux, punched him in the FACE for that one.

The seven made it safely into the forest and the Korean soldiers stopped pursuing them. Bulk Jiminy had taken three bullets in his left soldier, but didn't seem to mind.

He just sat there a lot.

For the moment they were safe. The group talked calmly. Ux and Barb spent some time together, Bulk sat completely silent and motionless as if he were brooding the fact that war is hell. He wasn't really.

And the rest of the men ate and talked. All except Anemic Lion.

He had his ear to the ground, listening. "I hear airplanes approaching!" he yelled. "I think we should TAKE COVER!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Next time: AIRSTRIKE!!!

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