The Korean War was a hard fought one, and the U.S. government needed every man they could get, even if they were a bit stupid. Recruited out of the dregs of society came the greatest battling heroes of all time! Lock yourself into the strait-jacket of adventure, Dear Reader, because it's time to join the action already in progress with...
JAKE SMASHER AND HIS ROLLING REBELS
Jake Smasher - once a slimey bum on the streets of New York, now the sharp-shooting leader of the greatest battling heroes of all time.
Bulk Jiminy - an ex-con, drug addict who was released from prison to fight in the war; he's brave but lobotomized.
Anemic Lion - the alcoholic chieftain of the Zamboni Indian Tribe possessing a great knowledge of strategy and how to mix drinks.
Yummy Poofter - a homosexual boxer whose great pugilistic ability makes the other guys tolerate his presence (but just as friends!).
Ux Pooka - a Belgian merchant smitten with absolutely no taste in clothes, but he knows his stuff when it comes to guns and ammo.
Barb Wyre - a woman that snuck into this man's army. Not a great fighter, but woo-woo!
Zeppo Marx - the only Marx brother who was never funny. Now he fights in Korea where he doesn't need to get laughs.
TOGETHER THEY ARE JAKE SMASHER AND HIS ROLLING REBELS!!!
EEEEEEYYOWWWWW!!! VROOOOO!!! the Korean enemy fighters flew in great, angry circles above the heads of CAPTAIN JAKE SMASHER AND HIS ROLLING REBELS, THE GREATEST FIGHTING HEROES OF ALL TIME! POKA! POKA! CHUDDUDDUDDUDDOW! Bullets pelted the ground surrounding the seven heroes in a veritable hailstorm of leaden death.
"Run!!" called Jake Smasher.
"Where? They've got us surrounded!" shouted Anemic Lion.
"Looks like this time the joke's on US!" yelled Zeppo Marx.
Panic filled the air! The seven heroes huddles against the foliage, hoping to avoid the zinging bullets of evil that threatened to turn them into Swiss Cheese!
"Hey!" called Barb Wyre, "I think I found a safe cave where
we can hide! Look it's right over there!"
"Quickly!" said Jake. The heroes rushed into the cave as fast as they could. But in the excitement and amid the ROAR of the planes and the din of the machine-gun fire and ricocheting bullets nobody noticed that only six human figures collapsed in the cool, dark cave.
"Safe..." sighed Jake, and then all was black.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Jake awoke later to see his rolling rebels calmed down and just prearing some grub. Ux was opening cans of K-rations and handing them to Yummy Poofter who emptied them into a POT over a WOOD FIRE!
"Good morning, Captain," called Yummy, "We'll have some of this veal cordon bleu ready in a bit. Okay, honey?"
"Sounds good! Uncle Sam sure knows how to feed us right! And don't call me 'Honey', Soldier. You know how I feel threatened by your alternative lifestyle!"
"Sorry, Sweetie-Pie!" responded Yummy. The rest of the guys laughed.
Anemic Lion took drink orders and tossed back a few gallons of bourbon himself. Zeppo sat by himself pondering fate in general.
After relaxing a while, enjoying their food, smoking some good American tobacco, reading a little bit of Kafka, the guys decided to plan their strategy - they needed to get out of the cave and back to the American camp before the enemy could find and KILL them!
"Okay, men (and women: WOO! WOO!), what are our assets?"
"Well, I have a machine gun, but no ammo. Also, I have really uncoordinated clothes." said Ux.
"I have my keen Indian hunting and tracking shkills and a half bottle hof Suddern Comfert," slurred Anemic Lion.
"All I have is one standard Army issue Bowie knife and two breasts (woo! woo!)," said Barb.
"Hmmm...," said Jake. "How about you, Bulk?...Bulk?...Bulk!?! OH NO! WE'VE LOST BULK JIMINY, CATATONIC WARRIOR SUPREME!!!"
Jake and the heroes RUSHED from the cave. In the clearing sat Bulk Jiminy, staring off into space. He was bleeding from several BULLET wounds, but he didn't seem to mind very much. "BULK!! SPEAK TO ME!!" cried Jake. Bulk didn't. "We've got to help him right here, right now!"
"But what if the enemy returns?" asked Zeppo.
"It doesn't matter! We've got to PROTECT our OWN!!!"
"Well, I used to be a doctor." said Barb modestly, "I'll see what I can do."
Barb Wyre knit her brow and kneeled down over Bulk's hulking form. Anemic lion placed his ear to the ground.
"Ugh! Enemy planes are approaching NOW! We've got to GET OUT OF HERE OR WE'LL BE KILLED!!!"
"NO!" commanded Captian Jake Smasher, the bravest damn soldier on either side of the war. "We stay here until Bulk is safe!! Let the enemy fire RAIN DOWN!! We will not budge!!"
The enemy planes shot into the sky overhead, their machine guns shooting the ground ahead of them. RATTATTATATTAT!! SPAK! SPAK! SPAK! JUMP BACK! GET DOWN Y'ALL!
Barb, ignoring the bullets that seemed to storm down around her, carefully cut the bits of lead out of Bulk's flesh and cleaned and bandadged his wounds. Ux Pooka and Zeppo Marx attended her. Yummy Poofter paced back and forth saying "When already? When already?" Jake Samsher stood facing the planes like a lion. Anemic Lion was getting drunk.
In the cockpit of one of the Korean planes sat a Korean officer named Sam Crunchy Woo. He saw that our soldiers would not leave one of their own behind to die. He saw the LOYALTY and LOVE between all our soldiers (and not just the ones like Yummy Poofter).
A tear ran down his cheek and he decided to ACT! He spun around and shot at his ex-co-flyers. In flames, they crashed to the ground. One narrowly missed Anemic Lion, who laughed and then passed out. The planes that didn't crash hobbled slowly back to where they came from, and Sam Crunchy Woo landed his plane right next to the GREATEST FIGHTING FORCE OF ALL TIME just as Barb finished stitching up bulk Jiminy - WITHOUT ANESTHETIC!!
Sam hopped from his plane and ran over to Jake Smasher and his Rolling Rebels.
"You are safe now!" he said. "I can fly you all back to your base if you want. I want to join your side. You are so loyal to each other! I want to fight alongside you, Jake Smasher!"
"My friend, you are welcome with us," answered Jake.
"Good," said Sam, "because, to be perfectly honest, I never liked Korean food!"
Jake took a step back and saluted Sam Crunchy Woo, the newest member of the Rolling Rebels. A tear rolled down Sam's face. Bulk Jiminy drooled on himself. Anemic Lion threw up in the bushes.
Zeppo Marx approached and threw a banana cream pie in Sam's face. He went for his gun, but Jake assured him, "Don't be mad. That's just Zeppo's way of welcoming you aboard. Now, let's head back to camp!"
With smiling faces, the eight GREAT SOLDIERS headed off into the sunset...unaware of what tomorrow would bring.
Next time: BAPTISM OF HELLFIRE!!!